Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

I wouldn’t expect them to help either, they are on holiday. Holidays aren’t usually cheap so they want to enjoy it and do the things that interest them.

Unless they agreed in advance to do childcare for you, YABU to expect it. They were kind enough to offer a night even though they have their own children to supervise as well.

You and DP can take turns watching the children if you want to join in activities not suitable for them etc.

Been exactly where you are OP
My family readily accepted all sorts of help and favours from me over the years asking for things they knew would be difficult for me or really out me out but I was a yes person.
Then when I needed them .........
So I’m minimal contact now if any and did feel very down for a while but now we know it’s just me and dh and there’s no hope of help from elsewhere it’s netter as half the issue previously was the disappointment, we just know now they are selfish.

By all means tell them how you feel but these type of people rarely take it on board so don’t be surprised if things stay the same.
Def don’t go away with them again

I think YABU. Your siblings have their own kids to look after/entertain. Have you planned or suggested any day trips that everyone would enjoy? It's hard to find a day out to suit a toddler, a pre-schooler and older kids and teens. I have 3 DC (4, 2.5 & 1) and we have turned down family group holidays because our holiday set up wouldn't be compatible with everyone else's at the moment - early starts, early nights, naps, noisy kids, etc.
With regard to the sleep have you tried sleep training or sought any help? Sleep deprivation is tough so I can see why this seems like such a huge deal to you right now.

I do t want to look after my siblings kids on holiday. I don't mind taking them to the park for a couple of hours or for a swim but I do t want to spend my days as childcare.

It's harder when the kids are so different in age and quite honestly why should the teenagers want to look after your kids on holiday.

Go somewhere with a kids club / crèche next time.

The trip is a shuttle then to do on the last day.

To be fair, I’d not babysit either. With older kids, and on holiday I’d not offer. Done with young kids and I’d like to relax. Perhaps they are miffed with your kids being early risers, I would be TBH.

As others have said, don’t say anything as you possibly will hear something you’d rather not.

God, spelling, sorry, haven't got my glasses on!

Shitty thing to do...

It sounds as though you had no DC when you took their DC for day trips, etc. You're expecting them to reciprocate but they already have DC. They viewed it as you helping because you had no children yet, not as you helping because that's what aunts do.
You're tired and grumpy and forced proximity with family can always throw up issues with different expectations. For them to have helped you, they'd have had to sacrifice a day of their holiday and that means balancing their spouses and DCs' expectations.
Get your DH to watch your DCs today and go off on the day trip to the place you've always wanted to see. That's the sort of arrangement DH and I would have come to.

Yes I’ve experienced the baby-sitting issue. I used to babysit my niece who now babysits for my child - the only difference is I have to pay her and I did it for free. No offer from my sibling to repay in kind. I do have other siblings though who would chip in on a holiday and help for a little bit - even if it’s playing with them for an hour so you can have a coffee / glass of wine in peace. That’s surely what families do for each other, no?
As an aside - you need a carrier of some kind. It’s so much more portable than a buggy. We had one you wore on your back like a rucksack and was able to access lots of places otherwise inaccessible (eg up to waterfalls in the Atlas Mountains )

I'm sorry, it's definitely hurtful you haven't been able/invited to join in or help plan more of the daily activities. That's a bit rubbish. Obviously there's going to be times everyone chooses things that better suit teens / adults etc but not 100% of the time.

It is everyone's holiday, that each person has saved for, looked forward to, and probably arrived on their knees with tiredness. I think the family giving you one night of childcare is nice, and the right amount. You're there with DH so you do have another adult to share the hideous load of sleepless young children. I'm sure you're going home more tired than you started. As plenty of PPs have said, that's usual for taking small children away sadly. They will have had a fab time on the beach though!

Everyone's needs matter: yours, DH's, your kids, your siblings, their teens, other adults... Each of you is responsible for your own kids, and allowed to choose your own plans. It's disappointing there wasn't more communal activity, and the adults didn't communicate better about balancing everyone's needs, but I suspect that's part of a wider pattern of family dynamics that just feels more intense on holiday.

No don’t let rip, I don’t think it’ll help the situation. Just stop doing things for them, much more effective. You can’t change selfish people.

I think they're awful and really selfish. I would offer to have a friend's kids for a couple of hours in this situation, let alone family. I would also ensure my teens helped out a bit - even if under your supervision.

I really don't think it's kind to never go the beach with you or organise trips without consulting you. I bet they did offer to help before the holiday but then when the realities of looking after small children presented themselves, they were less keen.

You hinted that things were different when the siblings' children were younger. Do you usually get the short stick in the family.

You would be better in future going to a place with a kids club. At least you'd get a break then.

I would have to say something. Either at the time or later if it's easier to keep calm. Otherwise it will always fester.

They’ve been a bit thoughtless, yes. And I get that you’re exhausted, that sucks. But why couldn’t you just say, earlier in the week, “I really need help”?

If you’d done that and they’d refused, you’d be much more justified in getting angry with them. But instead you’ve let the anger and frustration build up silently to the point where you feel the only option is to “let rip”. That’s your issue, not theirs.

The fact that you never have lie-ins isn’t their problem (why can’t you and your husband take turns to give each other a lie-in?). And honestly, I never think of holidays with young children as holidays for me. It’s pretty much even harder work than being at home. That’s just the way it is.

I’d definitely say something about the current trip because that’s something you can do something about right now. But honestly OP, learn to speak up in the moment. People aren’t mind-readers.

It sounds like they've just left you to do whatever they want to which is really sad. I would have thought that if you went on holiday as a group you'd want to spend SOME time together?

My bil suggested we get a villa with his girlfriend and their 1year old. mine are near adult teenagers he probably saw lots of hands to help I saw a proposition that I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than do, maybe I’m like your sister sorry I’ve been there done that but unlike your sister I made it clear that id never go on holiday with little kids as I chose not to do big holiday with my own kids as to me holidays with small children are torture

“People aren’t mind-readers.“
I often agree with this.

But in these circumstances they don’t have to be mind readers! They just have to be not-dicks.

OP...your siblings know you’re struggling. They’re parents too and have been there. They just don’t want to help and tbh might be feeling a bit cagey about you asking teen kids to babysit/ offering to pay them when they clearly aren’t interested and just want to enjoy their own holiday- perhaps that’s why they’ve organised this day trip.

Have a go if you want to, you’re entitled to- but you may not be met with a thousand apologies and whilst you think ‘we’ll never holiday with you again!’ They May well think ‘GOOD!’

Helping out when you don’t have your own is a novelty - but even at the early teen stage parents are JUST starting to get their freedom back and frankly I’m not overly surprised your siblings have avoided helping out more! It’s not right but I understand it completely.

This happens in EVERY aspect of life though. First friends to get married everybody goes...last friends to get married - nobody can find childcare/afford to make the trip/ be bothered!
Hen parties, birthdays, christenings, baby showers, graduations - if you’re the first few in the family/friendship group to do it everyone will make an effort/fuss but if you’re late to the game the novelty will have worn off!

For example I’m the 5th/6th grandchild in my family to graduate ... neither grandparent is jumping off the walls with pride/excitement.

But I’m the first child (both on mine and DH’s side and ) to become pregnant and parents/siblings are OVER THE MOON!

As a grandchild I was late to everything but as a child I’m storming ahead

I actually think you are being a little hard. Family holidays tend to be incredibly precious to people. (They are to me) If there is a fabulous place that you all would like to go to it seems very mean spirited of you to want none of them to go simply because ye can't go this time. We travel with family on some holidays and as our kids are different ages we often do different activities . Baby pool versus water parks etc
I understand that you are a little jealous and it would be nice if they had offered to babysit for you but think you would be wrong to throw a strop over this.

We go on holiday every year, GPs, 4DCs plus partners and 7 children from 9-17 (but have been doing it for 7 years). Not once had anyone offered to have my DCs and I wouldn't dream of asking them, that's not what it's about. And I say this as someone who had at least one DC wake at 5am for a run of 6 years.

After about the day trip but again without context it's hard, did they discuss with you first? Do you have a sling for the younger one?

We actually have up holidays for a free years when DC's were v little (3 under 3.5) cos they're just relaxing in any way shape or form.

In a couple of years holidays will become so much easier, for now have a serious think about whether they're worth the hassle, especially with your family of you will end up feeling hurt again

Sounds like you all had different expectations of the holiday and that if you’d communicated this beforehand you’d have made the wise decision to not do a group holiday.

The lie ins I don’t think you can complain about. Yes it’s crap when babies wake you early but you need to alternate getting a lie in with your dh. When you’re on holiday and neither of you needing to do a days work then it’s fairest just to alternate.

I don’t think you can expect the families with older kids to want to do the same thing as you do... tbh at age 10 upwards my kids wouldn’t have wanted to be going at toddler pace.

Seeing as you collected your sister’s kids from the airport it would be nice if they ‘paid a favour back’ but maybe they feel they have, with the one night’s babysitting? Again, I don’t think you can complain that they only babysat after you’d got the kids to bed. That’s down to you and your dh.

I can see why you feel a bit pissed off but the problem is really that to expect a big family holiday where you’re all going to chip in, other people baby sitting so you can go off with your dh, while also having everyone do family activities which suit everyone from baby to over 10s, was probably just unrealistic. Go away with just your dh and your kids next time and then you can do it all on your terms

There's only one cure for small children and that's the passage of time. You can't have normal holidays until they're old enough to be much less demanding. It's rubbish when others with older kids bash on and enjoy life while you wrestle with buggies etc but it's just a different life stage.

What do your siblings think of your DPs contribution? Maybe they think he should do more and let you have some free time. He is their dad after all.

I think just do your own thing and forget about them and go on holiday by yourselves in future.

I think you'd be unreasonable to let rip, OP. If you've had two nights without sleep it is possible that the rest of the family have been disturbed as well!

With such a large age spread between the children it is hard to come up with an activity or a trip to suit them all. I really wouldn't expect teenagers to spend their holiday babysitting even for money.

Let your DH mind the children today and go on the trip. Have you been discussing the planned trips for the next day in advance the night before, is that how you found out about the trip today?

I am a cm but on holiday would only ever look after my own .

Holidays are not a holiday at that age . They are simply a change of location in fact can be worse as little ones are out of routine . I did Haven when Ds was little as it worked far better .

Now Ds is 12 I am getting to do things I have never done for many years on holiday .

I think your expectations are unrealistic. And I say that, because I had the same thoughts when my DC were a similar age to yours! We weren’t abroad, but all staying at PILs very regularly. Ours were the only grandchildren at the time and we got zero help from the grandparents or BIL, SIL and SIL. So DH and I were running around, never eating our own meals properly and waking up super early etc.

I’m remembering this now though, as we’re getting a bit more rest from the relentlessness of parenting young children. I have zero intention of helping out BIL, SIL and SIL with their DC. I’m happy to kick back with a hot coffee or a G&T and let them manage/balance their own tiny ones whilst we chill out and relax.

I may even add in a few comments like “oh, yes, it’s tough, I remember feeling like that, soon I’m sure you’ll get some sleep, they do grow up, enjoy it whilst they’re little” 😂

whose idea was the holiday? did the GP say "let's all go on a family holiday?" if so I'd expect at least some activities where everyone or most could be involved. If the "most being involved" always meant you weren't able to join in I'd be miffed too in your position.

Not sure about some of the families described on this thread but my extended family would definitely pitch in - eg the teenagers would take the little one to the pool for an our or so on most days at least.

Nights and mornings you have covered - they are always shit with small children and once you're out of that you want to stay out, your turn will come, OP.

But I'd definitely not bother doing that again. And I'd give my sister the bill for collecting her children from the airport.