Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

They all sound pretty selfish.
Between 3 siblings plus parents I would think that they could spare a few hours to give you some time alone with DH.

I know my older DGD absolutely adore looking after the little ones. Plus at family gatherings most of the adults end up with DC who aren't their own.

I’ve just come back from holiday, I have a 2 and 3 year old and my parents came to join us for the last week. They babysat 1 night. I’d never expect anyone to have my children on their holiday, I think you are being a little ridiculous. Going on holiday with small children is just the same shit different location! You don’t actually get to “holiday” with small children and you certainly shouldn’t expect other people to spend their holiday watching your children for you.

Just a thought, if your baby and toddler are not sleeping and waking early. Are they waking everyone else up as well? Maybe not a good idea to let rip, you may hear some home truths you don’t like about holidays and lie ins being ruined.

I don't know how you've held it in so long. Let them have it.

You shouldn't have to ask family, and you should also expect to be included in, at least some of, the daily outings.

Yes, they've had their turn but you're not expecting them to get up at silly o'clock or look after them all day so YANBU. If my sisters had treated me like this on our family holidays we'd have only ever gone on one together.

I think you should say something but calmly if possible. You’ve helped them out and they should help you. I had a terrible holiday this year with my toddler and baby. My family were actually very helpful but it made me realise that holidays aren’t actually necessary and when children are small can be more bother than they’re worth. We won’t be going away next year - just spending some time together at home, days out etc, and will go away in uk for couple of years after that then try a foreign family holiday again in due course but no time soon

I’m with those who say they should have offered. This is the whole point of family and family holidays. You all pitch in to make it as enjoyable as possible for everyone. If one person or couple is in a tougher stage everyone helps and that support moves around for whoever needs it.

It's an awkward one, it partly depends on who instigated and paid for the holiday - it's their holiday too and they had things they wanted to do. my situation is different because I'm the only one with kids and my brothers and parents doted on them, it was way too child centred!

YANBU to feel fed up. We were the last in our family on both sides to have kids and used to take older nieces and nephews out for beach/park etc when we were all away but no one is able/willing to do that for us now!

However I wouldn't let rip now. I would wait til you are home and more rested and see how you feel then about bringing it up.

It's a shame the teens aren't up for a bit of helping out.

YANBU in that they are not really treating your family very well. I wouldn't necessarily expect "babysitting" but a bit more of an effort from them so you can relax and all spend time together would be nice. I would probably mention to them that you have found it stressful and they've been unsupportive, but do it in a calm way, they've probably forgotten how difficult young kids can be.
I think you are possibly being a little unreasonable to flat out refuse to go on the day trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go, just because you can't rake a buggy. I would expect that a typical 20 month would manage well walking and being carried (in a sling if you have one, otherwise adults take turns carrying in arms). Certainly my DD and most of her friends have been fine on days out buggy-free since about 18 months (earlier in a lot of cases due to sling use).

I just know for sure that if the shoe was on the other foot there is no way we would be leaving here with one family feeling so excluded.

@Fontofnoknowledge

Agreed in many respects
But fact that we would help doesn’t make “letting rip” the right approach if disappointed help not forthcoming

I can understand why people don't want to chase toddlers around on holiday especially as your siblings have already done this. I would ask explicitly if anyone would mind them for an evening so you and husband can go out. Sometimes people genuinely dont realise what you are going through and I am sure that they would not plan a day out purposely to exclude you. Sometimes extreme sleeplessness can make us feel more tearful and prone to wanting to let rip. If you were my sister I would have offered it's kind of what families do. I would talk to them about the trip and tell them you cant manage with the buggy rather than just presuming they are aware. If they are not willing to budge if you your husband and children can find somewhere low key where you can sit and they can play or do it shifts and rest for half the day each. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. If you still feel the same way when you get home tell them but I wouldn't end your holiday this way.

seeing as you havent been invited to join them on any outings, or really included at all, it sounds like you have been invited so you can help cover the costs of the villa, you could have holidayed alone for cheaper, or stayed at home and done what you have on holiday... just say no next time, and if they ask why tell them honestly about what a wanky holiday this one was and that you will holiday alone from now on

This is why I never have and never would go on an extended family holiday. Once you've passed the stressful stage of wrangling babies and toddlers, with buggies, nappies, tantrums etc, you certainly don't ever want to go back there. Particularly on holiday. And completely unfair to expect teenagers to pick up the slack. Any help you gave previously was your choice and presumably wouldn't have been given if you didn't enjoy it.
The trip thin however, sounds a bit off.
What expectations were discussed before you went?

I think when your kids get older it's easy to forget what it's like to have young children. When children are the ages yours are everything revolves around them and you think others recognise that, but when you get to 5+ life just isn't like that any more for many people so it's very easy to forget. Rather than let rip can you speak to them all, explain how you feel and the support you'd like.

Really depends on the discussions and planning that went on before the holiday - what was agreed re daily activities?

They might be clueless as to how you're feeling

Where is the trip to? You might get MNers that have been that can give you some tips to go with kids your DCs age

I don't do big group/family holidays and one of the reasons is that you can't please everyone. I'm not great at compromising and certainly wouldn't want to not be able to do the things I want to on holiday because of other people. I'd be much happier going off and doing what my family and I wanted most of the time with perhaps a few bigger group outings or meals from time to time.
Have they all been doing activities together but leaving you out or do different groups go off and do their own thing?
With such different ages the kids (and adults) are going to want to do different things.
My children are older now and I really wouldn't want to spend much of my holiday doing toddler activities or getting up early to watch them. I'm past all that stage.
Presumably though if you are holidaying together you are a close family. Could you not have asked someone to perhaps have your kids for an hour or so one morning to have a lie in? Have you suggested any other activities that you could all do other than the beach? It sounds like they did babysit one evening for you.
What's the activity they are all doing? I'm assuming it's something they all really want to do. You can't really expect them to not do things because your children aren't old enough - their children are.
Maybe big group holidays aren't right for you at this stage in your life.

“And completely unfair to expect teenagers to pick up the slack.”

Yep. Perish the thought that a teenager might actually be involved in family life!

This is crap, sorry op I feel bad for you. I've had similar experience but thankfully only over a weekend. In my experience when children get older parents do tend to forget what the early years are like and the new freedom the start relish and enjoy (quite rightly) does make them a bit selfish.
I think people imagine family holidays as having extra pairs of hands to help muck in but it's never that way. We have found holidays on our own so much more restful and enjoyable.

Op let it slide. You've had an evening out.

Not their fault your children aren't sleeping. Chalk it up to experience that teenagers don't really want to hang out with tots or do the same stuff as them.

Have a good think about what you want to do next year.

It’s everyone’s holiday. Picking a child up from the airport is one thing looking after and trying to settle a crying baby is another thing entirely. I would keep quiet enjoy the peace while they are on the day trip and don’t holiday with them again.

I wouldn’t let rip, they’re on holiday too. I absolutely wouldn’t expect - or let - 15/16 yo’s give up their time on holiday to look after little ones! I do think they should have done things with you in the day etc. As for the person who said they havent even offered once for op to have a drink with her partner - they did, they offered to babysit for evening! I think one evening out on holiday alone is enough for them to offer. The daytime stuff is what I would be annoyed about, and you should explain that to them (not letting RIP - just talk.) Lack of sleep will really not be helpig either

I wouldn't let rip but I would ask why they wanted you on holiday only to exclude you.

If you were my sister I would take the kids so you could go back to bed because I know how tough sleep deprivation is and i would do what I could to help. MN is so different to my real life, people seem to think asking for support is cheeky and entitled... I personally think it takes a village!

I would try enjoy your last day but make your point without blowing up and causing a row.

Going on holiday with kids of that age is not a holiday. You just take the work with you.

We did a holiday with DH's family when ours were similar ages and had a very similar experience. I feel asleep once on a sun lounger having got up at 5am for the nth morning in a row plus late nights because I was trying to be sociable. I wasn't even trying to sunbathe I just sat down for a nano second and fell asleep for 5 seconds until SIL yelled to tell me ds2 needed a drink.

People were happy to play with mine while I was there and basically in charge but no offers of any other kind of break and I didn't really expect any.

Kids of that age are just plain hard work end of. And the kind of families that really do know when to step in and provide real support and help are rare in my opinion. And they are my kids so...

I suspect there might have been a bit of feeling from your siblings that they had "been there done that" when there's were small and had no desire to do it again!

I have two teenagers. They're massively involved in our family life. But I wouldn't expect them to babysit nephews and nieces on holiday. Their enjoyment would trump my siblings I'm afraid, who chose to take two very young DC on holiday, presumably without any prior discussion of expectations.
Just don't do it again OP.