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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

509 replies

Belleende · 26/07/2019 07:14

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

OP posts:
Gatoadigrado · 28/07/2019 17:00

So really it was the environment that was the problem, not the other people. A pool, banisters and railings all over the villa with gaps that a toddler could fall through ... honestly, if it needed the two of you as parents supervising 24/7 it’s just ridiculous to think you could expect teenagers who aren’t familiar with looking after little ones, to take charge of them.

I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the holiday and at least you’ve learned not to attempt this sort of thing again. But honestly I don’t think anyone else is at fault here... it just sounds completely the wrong sort of holiday to go on with little children

Mascarponeandwine · 28/07/2019 17:02

Tempting though it is to keep the subject going now you're home, I wouldnt bother. They either won’t understand your resentment, or they’ll be defensive. Write the whole thing off (scream into a pillow if you have to Smile). I would focus all your energies on scouring the holiday companies for med resorts with good reviews and a crèche and get it booked ASAP so you have a positive holiday experience to focus on.

Original poster
Belleende · 28/07/2019 17:30

As I think I have said several times, I did not expect the older kids to look after mine. I offered one money to look after them for 2 hours in the morning, she said no, and that was fair enough. I did expect more help from my siblings and for my family to be more included.

I should have done the vote thing but it looks like a fairly even split between those who think I was expecting too much, those who think my family were inconsiderate and those who think I should have been more explicit in what I needed and maybe was a bit of a martyr.

I will talk to my sister about it at some point, and I think it will be really interesting to get her perspective.

I will not be doing a holiday like this again, and I will not be extending myself to my family quite as readily as I have been. Whilst I agree that offering help should not be conditional, I also don't want to be a mug, and I honestly feel like I have been. To be in tears due to tiredness and see my siblings offer nothing but sympathy was a bit of a shocker for me. I would never have done the same if the shoe was on the other foot. I would have helped.

And I think that is where I will leave the thread, I don't think there is much more to say. Thanks for all your input.

OP posts:
omafiet · 28/07/2019 17:38

It sounds exhausting and upsetting, OP. I'd feel the same as you.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 28/07/2019 18:01

OP can I recommend looking at kinder hotels for next time? I think they work as an accreditation type system rather than a chain/franchise thing, so can prob be quite variable (read reviews of individual hotels before booking!), but we’ve had some fab easy holidays avoiding exactly those sorts of things - gappy banisters etc.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 28/07/2019 18:23

Wanting/asking/expecting a teenager to look after 2 children for two hours in the environment described is really irresponsible.

Particularly when the adult parents can't manage it themselves.

SaraNade · 28/07/2019 18:25

@Belleende I know you said there really isn't much else to say, but I am wondering if you and your DH ever talked about while you were on the holiday, and how he felt about it? Because I think it would have been nice if he himself mentioned it to your sister/family and asked them if they could do him a favour and help you out for a day. I am a bit stunned tbh that your husband didn't even seem to think to stand up for you and speak to them, on your behalf? Or even on his behalf, for himself? My DH would have, and my father would have, too.

SaraNade · 28/07/2019 18:26

I do not think expecting teenagers to babysit children, which is what many teenagers do for a job for pocket money (anyone remember The Babysitters' Club?) is unreasonable. A 13 year old should have been able to manage.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 28/07/2019 18:31

@SaraNade - in normal circumstances no it wouldn't be, but in unfamiliar surroundings which are spectacularly child unfriendly and with children they are unused to I think it's very irresponsible.

The OP admitted herself that she couldn't do it on her own and it needed both her and her DH to watch them at all times.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 28/07/2019 18:34

I do not think expecting teenagers to babysit children, which is what many teenagers do for a job for pocket money (anyone remember The Babysitters' Club?) is unreasonable. A 13 year old should have been able to manage.

In an environment in which the parents are apparently needing to be fully 1:1 with their children to keep them safe? In an environment so risky that apparently one parent who knows their children inside out can’t look after both at once, no, I wouldn’t entrust them to a couple of teenagers, unless those teenagers were their own siblings and therefore similar expert.

(As a lone parent of a toddler plus older child, I’m slightly sceptical about this ‘needs two parents to two children’ thing, but I’m taking OP’s posts at face value here...)

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 28/07/2019 18:34

Cross posted because my children keep fucking expecting me to look after them instead of faffing about on my phone. Grin

Phineyj · 28/07/2019 18:39

On the off chance you come back to the thread, I wanted to recommend Tots to Travel to find safe holiday accommodation for the future. We had a wonderful holiday in one of their properties.

It does sound like the holiday from hell!

Original poster
Belleende · 28/07/2019 18:39

A clarification. My expectation was that the teen would have my two in the front room with screens/TV, not on the loose. Entirely manageable and safe for a 16 year old. A lie in isn't worth my kids safety.

OP posts:
Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 18:42

@SaraNade - in normal circumstances no it wouldn't be, but in unfamiliar surroundings which are spectacularly child unfriendly and with children they are unused to I think it's very irresponsible.

I agree. And many teens chose not to babysit for pocket money because they'd rather do something else. My teen doesn't care for small kids (her brother is a nightmare) and so prefers to watch and walk pets to babysitting children.

Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 18:43

Sorry, missed quotes:
@SaraNade - in normal circumstances no it wouldn't be, but in unfamiliar surroundings which are spectacularly child unfriendly and with children they are unused to I think it's very irresponsible.

Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 18:46

Honestly, it's a lesson learned. Stop extending yourself but again, I think your expectations were too high not just of your family but also of your kids. Long holidays abroad with kids that age just usually sucks unless there are kids clubs and/or professional childcare. Before we did cruises, we just did self-catering places in the UK. And NO other families or lodging all in one place with others. That is just a recipe for disaster.

KimchiLaLa · 28/07/2019 18:46

I'm torn here. Firstly because they're not obligated to offer. But also, I get it, it's knackering. They're probably glad that theirs are at an age where they don't need to parent as much as when they were toddlers, so they want an easy time of it. Do they know the kids aren't sleeping?

Fairenuff · 28/07/2019 18:46

My expectation was that the teen would have my two in the front room with screens/TV, not on the loose.

Why didn't your dh just do this then?

zonkin · 28/07/2019 18:49

It wasn't an ideal holiday setting for you. I get that. But it really doesn't need two parents to look after two young children regardless of pool, beach etc. Why couldn't your DH look after the kids whilst you went on the trip that you really wanted to go on?

Equally not sure why a teen would want to spend the day supervising young kids in front of screens inside?

If you accept that it needs both parents to look after the children full time, why would you think that a teenager would be able to cope with them?

Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 18:50

I think it's really unfair to have expectations that teens will provide childcare. I don't take my teen/preteen on holiday to provide childcare for toddlers and babies.

Original poster
Belleende · 28/07/2019 18:51

Because we wanted a lie in together, you know maybe have sex at least once on holiday.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/07/2019 18:53

I thought you were sleep deprived?

Drip, drip, drip...

Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 18:56

Because we wanted a lie in together, you know maybe have sex at least once on holiday.

Then you need to have hired a professional, not hint around or offer for teens to come in at 7 (personally, I wouldn't be impressed that you'd want a child my teen's age in there minding your kids on screens so you could shag in the next room, what if one of your kids just went charging into your bedroom before the teen could stop them). Sorry, but your expectations of both your siblings and your small children were just too high and you also didn't spell out what you wanted.

It's a tricky age, you kind of have to put up with not getting lie ins and morning fucks and such at that stage. It doesn't last forever, they grow up (if you're lucky and don't have one with SN who has a condition that makes their care needs high) and you sort of get your life back.

SaraNade · 28/07/2019 18:57

OP, but I ask again, why didn't your husband say anything to your sister and relatives?

zonkin · 28/07/2019 18:58

I wasn't aware one needed a lie in to have sex