Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance, brother wants to keep it quiet

173 replies

1strangerthings · 25/07/2019 23:32

My parents are selling one of their properties. They want to retain 50% and split the rest between myself and my brother.

I am on a ftc with the possibility of it becoming permanent. I've said to the wife that I am planning to keep it to one side, but to reinvest it in a new upgraded property if I get a permanent contract.

My brother in the meantime wants to keep it secret from his wife. I have said it's not my business, so won't actually tell his wife, but I will certainly be speaking to my wife.

My parents on the other hand are frustrated. They want to be open about the fact that they are being generous to both families, rather than pretending to keep all the money. They (and us) are also slightly peeved that none of us are addressing this in open terms.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/07/2019 23:33

What's an ftc?

Won't your wife say thank you to your parents?

Why is your brother keeping it quiet? Is he usually a bastard?

Bookworm4 · 25/07/2019 23:33

Has he said why he wants to keep it secret?

WhoWants2Know · 25/07/2019 23:35

Aren't there rules about reporting inheritances?

inlectorecumbit · 25/07/2019 23:35

ftc= fixed term contract l think

Notcopingwellhere · 25/07/2019 23:38

YANBU but YABU for referring to your wife as “the wife”. Yuck.

wijjjy · 25/07/2019 23:41

Aren't there rules about reporting inheritances?

This isn't an inheritance, it is a gift. Need to report is the giver dies within 7 years.

HeddaGarbled · 25/07/2019 23:41

I think your brother is behaving disgustingly and I would not agree to keep this secret.

StCharlotte · 25/07/2019 23:41

Perhaps your parents could talk about it in front of your brother's wife?

HollowTalk · 25/07/2019 23:41

If I were your parents I wouldn't give your brother a penny, given his appalling attitude.

Drogosnextwife · 25/07/2019 23:44

He sounds like a brilliant husband.

LostInNorfolk · 25/07/2019 23:45

YANBU but YABU for referring to your wife as “the wife”. Yuck.

It is a colloquial dialect, perfectly acceptable.

nikkylou · 25/07/2019 23:46

How your brother manages his finances and relationship is up to him. Personally I'd be upset and annoyed if my partner kept something like that from me, so advising him not to keep it from his wife is okay, but you cannot make him tell her.

Unless there is a particular reason he is not keen to tell her?

Your parents however, if they are wanting to discuss it openly, perhaps can force his hand, for a lack of better phrase, by "announcing" their gift to your families. Although a little underhand, considering as you both already know, and your brother has expressed a wish not to share....

She'll no doubt find out / work it out...when you buy this new house and someone lets slip where the extra funds came from...

Crunched · 25/07/2019 23:49

I guess it is down to your parents. If they feel strongly enough about making sure it is a generous gift to both of you and your wives then they split the proceeds in 4 rather than two. Otherwise, despicable as it would seem, it is solely in your brothers name and his to do with as he wishes.
It would be unreasonable for you and your DW to keep the situation a secret but how likely is it to be discussed openly in front of your SIL? Financial arrangements are usually treated tactfully and not asked about.

31RueCambon · 25/07/2019 23:54

I can see how that spoils it for your parents! they want to WITNESS the fruits of their generosity so to speak. Is your brother planning a divorce?
It puts your wife in an awkward situation as well. You are both bound to have to lie at some point about where the money you got to pay for something came from. It'd be less stressful to be open about it.
Your brother is spoiling it for your parents and for you and your wife.
It'd be nice to enjoy the money.

Jemima232 · 25/07/2019 23:54

It is not perfectly acceptable to refer to a spouse as "the wife."

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 26/07/2019 00:04

Notcopingwellhere

I have been referred to for years as "me missus". It doesn't bother me as it is colloquial to the area DH comes from. I won't bother telling you what I call him in return, but he doesn't mind either.

OP what your brother is planning is sneaky and it will come back and bite him up the a* when she eventually finds out.

Lucked · 26/07/2019 00:13

Just say no, what is he going to do about it.

Your parents could gift it to both of them if they think he is a dick.

K1ssIt · 26/07/2019 00:15

Depends on context as to wether "the wife" is a derogatory term or not.

I'm north east and it's commonly used here as a term of endearment, in a similar way to "pet" is and women also say "the husband" or "the hubby"

"Our lass" and "our lad" are another common one. Especaillay when talking to people who've never met or know the spouse.

As in "our lass just got a new job, we're all so proud of her" or "last night the husband and I went out for a meal at the new Italians, you and your lad should go one time".

I've heard it used it a shit sexist way too but you can usually tell which way it's being used by the whole sentence.

K1ssIt · 26/07/2019 00:24

I'd be angry if my husband kept a large chunk of money like that secret from me. I'd be equally hurt if the rest of his family lied to me too.

He also wouldn't come home and just tell me what's happening with it, we'd discuss it jointly and I think when you said "I told the wife I'm planning....." that can come across as you not discussing it jointly and planning best way to use it with your wife and why "the wife" comment has been called out. Maybe...,

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2019 00:28

It’s up to your parents so if he won’t accept it without being honest about it they should sit on his share.

Do you think he’s planning his exit and that’s why he doesn’t want her to know?

Imagine to potential resentment if she thinks her PIL are funding a new house for you and her husband got nothing!

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 26/07/2019 00:33

Addressing the secondary theme here:

Is anyone able to articulate what is wrong with saying "the wife"?

Is "my wife" OK? That sounds rather proprietorial to me.

Or are you objecting to the word "wife" as some sort of feudal term??

Just curious!

KylieKoKo · 26/07/2019 00:38

I refer to DP as my bit of crumpet. I'm the worst.

On the face of it your brother is being a shit but if my sister told me to keep something like this from from my bil I would absolutely do it because she's my sister. Maybe your brother has his reasons.

LillithsFamiliar · 26/07/2019 00:41

He can't make any of you lie so just refuse.
An unintended consequence of lying is that your wife will realise that your brother and parents would lie to her if you asked.

ithinkiammelting · 26/07/2019 00:43

We have got a bit sidetracked here with the 'wife' thing. Leaving that aside for the moment...

Why doesn't your brother want his wife to know about this windfall? Is their marriage perhaps not as happy as it might be, and he is thinking of a split? If so, then presumably he wouldn't want her to get half of it in any divorce settlement. Maybe he has huge debts that she doesn't know about and this would enable him to pay them off without her finding out. Might he have a gambling addiction, who knows?

Perhaps either your or your parents need to have a candid chat with him and find out.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/07/2019 00:58

I think your brother mus be considering leaving his wife.

Your conscience is your own OP. Only you can decide if you think his behaviour warrants you going over his head and letting his wife know about the inheritance.

If they have children together, you should certainly tell her.