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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance, brother wants to keep it quiet

173 replies

1strangerthings · 25/07/2019 23:32

My parents are selling one of their properties. They want to retain 50% and split the rest between myself and my brother.

I am on a ftc with the possibility of it becoming permanent. I've said to the wife that I am planning to keep it to one side, but to reinvest it in a new upgraded property if I get a permanent contract.

My brother in the meantime wants to keep it secret from his wife. I have said it's not my business, so won't actually tell his wife, but I will certainly be speaking to my wife.

My parents on the other hand are frustrated. They want to be open about the fact that they are being generous to both families, rather than pretending to keep all the money. They (and us) are also slightly peeved that none of us are addressing this in open terms.

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 26/07/2019 01:04

Or.....perhaps he wants to book a holiday of a life time for the 2 of them and he wants it to be a surprise.

I am a cup half full type though.

stucknoue · 26/07/2019 01:14

I suppose you don't know what to s happening in his home, we certainly haven't discussed our marital woes with parents. But I would suggest talking to him in private and telling him how upset your parents are

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/07/2019 01:16

So they only want to gift the money if they can make a big fuss of how generous they are being?

There could be many reasons he doesn’t want to tell his wife. His marriage is his own and no one truly knows the state of a couples marriage bar them.

EdtheBear · 26/07/2019 01:16

I think its a keep your nose out.

He might think the wife will want to blow it on handbags and shoes. Maybe she is wanting to leave him.

Maybe its the other way round and he's looking for his way out.

It's his business. And if he wants to keep quiet that's his business.
If it becomes family knowledge and they split how would your parents feel about her getting half the cash ?

CrumpetyTea · 26/07/2019 01:28

But she'd still have the same rights to the money in a divorce even if he didn't tell her - if she went the legal approach - I think there is a requirement to disclose then.
I think you need to understand why he wants to keep it from her. It could cause problems between your families if she sees you happily spending your money and being open that your parents have given it to her- she may think that your parents have been favouring you and this could breed resentment

notangelinajolie · 26/07/2019 01:32

It is not perfectly acceptable to refer to a spouse as "the wife."

Well that really depends on where you come from. It's fine really. My DH has me as 'the wife' on his phone. I don't see any problem with that as I am the wife Hmm I think it is a regional thing.

To the OP - if your brother doesn't want to broadcast his good fortune then it isn't for you or your parents to tell. It is his business.

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2019 01:35

I’d ask him why and pretty much unless he disclosed she’s a gambling addict or abusive give him the choice of not receiving it or receiving it and parents being quite open about it.

SeaEagle21 · 26/07/2019 02:01

Maybe his wife has a gambling / shopping / drug addiction and he doesn't want her to know they've come into some money ? Who'd know. My humble opinion is that you should take this generous gift, and let your parents deal with the gift to your brother. Who he tells about it is up to him, and not your business or the business of anyone on a forum.

NB My husband sometimes calls me "my missus". It doesn't bother me and it's said in a loving / endearing way. Nothing to get one's knickers in a knot about, I'd have thought.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2019 02:47

Do you have any idea why he wants to keep it from her? If she had, say, a gambling problem or was threatening to leave him I'd understand and keep his secret. Otherwise, I'd tell him that I wouldn't specifically tell her but if she asked I wouldn't lie.

Either way, it's not fair of him to put you and your parents in this situation. If he doesn't want his wife to know about the money, then he should tell your parents to keep it set aside for him as part of his inheritance or until he asks for it.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2019 02:50

On the other thing, 'the wife' or 'the husband' is commonly used here and has no negative connotation unless one says 'the little wife'. DH and I usually use 'the spousal unit'.

StoppinBy · 26/07/2019 02:50

I think it's not your place to say anything, your parents could though if they wished.

His poor wife, if she were to find out that he kept this a secret but that you all knew not only would she feel incredibly hurt and understandably angry with your brother I imagine that she will be very embarrassed and feel like a right fool knowing that you all have this secret that only she has been kept in the dark about.

expat101 · 26/07/2019 03:01

I think your Brother is making extra work and troubles for you and M & D and its not your or their place to lie on his behalf.

Can you imagine how she will feel about you and your family when you receive ''your'' share but her Hubby doesn't? There have been enough threads on this forum dealing with unequal treatment by parents of adult siblings.

I think he is making a rod for your own back!

ReanimatedSGB · 26/07/2019 03:15

Maybe your brother's wife is the one with the gambling addiction/huge debts/completely irresponsible attitude to money. Maybe getting a chunk of money will help him leave her: she might be abusive. (Yes, women can be seriously abusive, too - and someone in an abusive relationship might well spend years pretending everything is fine when it isn't. And a sudden change - like a big chunk of money, or meeting someone else who makes you realise that you're not actually worthless - can be the boost you need to dump the abuser.) It's up to him, not the rest of you, whether he tells his wife or not.

LovePoppy · 26/07/2019 03:16

Side note
Why do your parents need to brag about how generous they are?

Yuck

Durgasarrow · 26/07/2019 03:28

"the wife" could be ironic, too. And the intent to be equal partners is clear. So I don't have a problem with it.

LostInNorfolk · 26/07/2019 04:39

It is not perfectly acceptable to refer to a spouse as "the wife."

So regional variation is unacceptable?

Even the BBC no longer have received pronunciation

NameChange92 · 26/07/2019 05:34

@FiddlesticksAkimbo ‘my wife’ is a perfectly factual description explaining the relationship between you and another person in a situation where the other person is unknown to the audience (and, here on on mn, where anonymity is desired)

‘The wife’ reduces a person who is also many other things to solely their role as your wife, it denies them independent personhood and instead you’re referring to them as you would an object.

HTH.

ivykaty44 · 26/07/2019 06:00

Asking 4 people to be deceitful is unacceptable apart from being unrealistic.

Your sil is going to eventually realise that money was distributed and someone will say something that the penny will drop

Tell brother that you’ll not be part of his deception as it’ll never work

Pikapikachooo · 26/07/2019 06:03

Stay well out of it ! It’s not fair you have to get involved and mediate . And not really your responsibility . I know it feels like it is , but it really is down to them discussing 1:1 with your snake brother

Teacher22 · 26/07/2019 06:08

What a tangled web we weave,
When we first practice to deceive.

Unless the brother’s wife is a spendthrift, potentially about to divorce the DB or an addict she deserves to be told.

Think about her sense of betrayal at the hands of everyone in the family into which she married she will feel if she ever find sour.

I think the OP should use every means of persuasion he can to convince the his DB and DP to make the generous gift an open issue.

Teacher22 · 26/07/2019 06:09

Finds out, not finds sour. Sorr.

donquixotedelamancha · 26/07/2019 06:10

Is anyone able to articulate what is wrong with saying "the wife"?

It's northern. It's common for people to moan about northern colloquialisms on here.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 26/07/2019 06:12

There is nothing wrong with saying ‘the wife’ or ‘the husband’. My northern Mums relatives would use this term rather than ‘my wife’ or ‘my husband’ which they would think was a posh way of talking. Also they’d use ‘him/her indoors’.

Soontobe60 · 26/07/2019 06:13

If, as lots here are suggesting, your BIl is planning to leave his wife and doesn't want her to get her hands in a share I feel this money, then the simplest solution is for his to tell your PILs this and ask them to keep hold of his share until such time as that happens. They may agree, or they matey think that's a terrible idea and give half of his share directly to her anyway!
The other alternative is for BIL to put his share into an cpaccount in his name only so she can't touch it if she is a spender.
Both men will have to pay tax in the money as it stands, unless it's used directly as a 'gift' to put a large deposit on a new home. Yo can't just hide large transfers of cash these days. Even deposits into banks are scrutinised.

tashac89 · 26/07/2019 06:13

Would depend entirely if it's just a gift for you and DB or if it is a family gift. I know with my dad and my in laws, gifts of that magnitude are joint family gifts for the both of us and our children. If it is just for you and DB it's not really anyone else's business.

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