Inheritance, brother wants to keep it quiet

[1strangerthings]

My parents are selling one of their properties. They want to retain 50% and split the rest between myself and my brother.

I am on a ftc with the possibility of it becoming permanent. I've said to the wife that I am planning to keep it to one side, but to reinvest it in a new upgraded property if I get a permanent contract.

My brother in the meantime wants to keep it secret from his wife. I have said it's not my business, so won't actually tell his wife, but I will certainly be speaking to my wife.

My parents on the other hand are frustrated. They want to be open about the fact that they are being generous to both families, rather than pretending to keep all the money. They (and us) are also slightly peeved that none of us are addressing this in open terms.

I think your parents need to speak to your brother & find out why he’s wants to keep it secret from his wife. It sounds like it’s because he owes her money & doesn’t want to give it back. Which isn’t a reason I would go along with.

The consequence is that DIL find out eventually that DB screwed her over. She blames PIL (because DB will certainly say it was their decision) & you for keeping quiet. It will ruin their relationship & may stop PIL from seeing any grandchildren.

YANBU but YABU for referring to your wife as “the wife”. Yuck.

It is a colloquial dialect, perfectly acceptable.

No it's not. Lots of men say it in London too. Everyday sexism (and patronising)

No it's not. Lots of men say it in London too. Everyday sexism (and patronising)

Exactly. No better than casual homophobia or racism. Just because it might be pretty common doesn't make it OK.

Nope, you are being a fucking snob. And clearly projecting. It’s a good job some of you don’t live round here - you’d be in a permanent state of apoplexy.

Nope. I'm pretty far from a snob in general. Projecting what exactly? Doesn't even make sense, that. And also no, I hear shit stuff all the time without going apoplectic thanks. Again, just because it's common doesn't mean it's OK though.

"No it's not. Lots of men say it in London too. Everyday sexism (and patronising)"

Yes, lots of men say it in London. It's a working class London colloquialism.

It's a working class London colloquialism
One that's casually misogynistic. Yes.

Please. I work in an investment bank. It may be a working class/London/North Eastern/Norfolk colloquialism but its also used by men that aren't working class or from a particular region as a patronising and dismissive way to refer to their wives (and girlfriends!)

I dont react or say anything or get apoplectic. I simply teach my sons not to talk about women like that as its no longer acceptable for their generation.

So she's had to bail him out of previous financial difficulties in the past? Then it is only fair and reasonable for him to tell her about this money.

Totally agree Boom25, I work in a similar environment to you, perhaps that’s why it grates on me so much.

Though the irony on this thread is that OP is in fact treating his own wife very well and calling out his brother’s bad attitude to his wife! So it was a bit of a silly point to make on this particular thread, I hold my hands up to that

National Anthem.

God Save our Queen and God Save the Queen appear in different verses.

Storm, may I introduce Teacup?

Yeah well I’d call out a man for calling his wife “Her Majesty” too @SlocombePooter.

And your point doesn't make much sense. She is The Queen. Everyone calls her that, nit just Prince Phillip and it doesnt have negative, old fashioned, proprietal connotation. Dumb point. And not a storm in a teacup, see the female pay gap and metoo.

May I introduce you to the Everday Sexism project. I hope you take the opportunity to educate yourself.
everydaysexism.com/about

Is anyone able to articulate what is wrong with saying "the wife"?
It's northern. It's common for people to moan about northern colloquialisms on here.

Are people from north of Watford even allowed on MN?? It's typical that the thrust of the original question gets hijacked on someone's petty peeve, how dare you not do as I say.

Well, it’s resisting the minimisation of such language to the status of a “petty peeve” that is kind of the whole point of the Everday Sexism project @LadyRannaldini

Gosh there's a lot of men calling their wives The Wife in a proprietal manner isnt there?

So far we've had North Eastern men, men from East Anglia, men from London, men working in investment banks, working class men, and now all Northern men! Can I add one? London black cab drivers. Lots of men for a regional colloquialism!

Well that’s the thread well and truly driven off the tracks. Well done all of you.

Ahem, to get back on track....

Either he doesn't want to pay her back OR he's gotten himself into another hole and wants to dig himself out without her knowing.

Either way, I wouldn't keep the secret. Again, I wouldn't run and tell, but I certainly wouldn't lie.

Yes, returning to OP I can certainly see your parents' point of view.

Over the years we have given money to our children as and when needed. It is more good to them at this stage in their lives than when we are gone. One thing we have been totally upfront about with them, though, is that we keep a mental tally of everything. They know we try very hard to give them fair shares, and I think any parent will recognise this impulse.

If the gift to your brother is a secret, would his wife think you had been unfairly favoured? Something else to consider.

I strongly recommend some professional estate planning.

You’ve got to love MN - people spectacularly missing the point of the original thread.
I don’t see how saying ‘the wife’ is any more proprietary than saying ‘his wife’ about someone else’s wife. Or ‘her husband’ for that matter - it doesn’t mean that the husband belongs to the woman any more than the wife belongs to the man!
What if you said “I paid the cleaner”
Or “the postman is late again”
Or “I don’t like the teacher”

Should we be saying ‘my cleaner, my postman... etc’ ??

Yes Ethel, hardly much help to OP!

@Cheeserton

No it's not. Lots of men say it in London too. Everyday sexism (and patronising)

Exactly. No better than casual homophobia or racism. Just because it might be pretty common doesn't make it OK.

What a bloody stupid statement to make - you are comparing using the term "the wife" to RACISM? Fuck off!

Classic MN right there - man asks if he's being unreasonable because he's told his wife, and discussed with her, what to do with 'their' money, whilst his brother wants to keep it a secret from his wife.

What gets focussed on? The fact he said 'the wife' .... slow hand clap to you MN, brilliant work insert eye roll

Oh give over, the OP had had multiple posts of advice on his question. I’m sure he’s intelligent enough to find the bits that are of use to him and ignore the collateral discussion. Real-life conversations go off on tangents, there is no rule that says that online conversations can’t do the same.

What a bloody stupid statement to make - you are comparing using the term "the wife" to RACISM? Fuck off!
Well no, I didn't do that directly, no. It's about the principle of using casual inappropriate language of various sorts, normalised by the likes of you, someone clearly too unintelligent to make points without abuse.

Are people really still going on about the use of the word 'the' as opposed to 'my'?

Reminds me of when I called a department at work 'my team'. It annoyed the department head as 'my' implied a presumption of ownership, of me 'owning' the team.

At the end of the day, people who want to be offended will find a way to be offended. Regardless of context.