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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance, brother wants to keep it quiet

173 replies

1strangerthings · 25/07/2019 23:32

My parents are selling one of their properties. They want to retain 50% and split the rest between myself and my brother.

I am on a ftc with the possibility of it becoming permanent. I've said to the wife that I am planning to keep it to one side, but to reinvest it in a new upgraded property if I get a permanent contract.

My brother in the meantime wants to keep it secret from his wife. I have said it's not my business, so won't actually tell his wife, but I will certainly be speaking to my wife.

My parents on the other hand are frustrated. They want to be open about the fact that they are being generous to both families, rather than pretending to keep all the money. They (and us) are also slightly peeved that none of us are addressing this in open terms.

OP posts:
sockatoe · 26/07/2019 20:20

Maybe your parents could gift 25% to your SiL? I assume he's planning on leaving her at some point though. A real shame for your parents and shame for you to feel compromised. Totally unfair of him.

73Sunglasslover · 26/07/2019 20:58

I know of a couple the wife of which thought their finances were quite tight. When he died she discovered many £1000s in the bank. Sounds like he was horribly controlling at first glance but actually she blew all the money very quickly on utter crap which is now making her house virtually uninhabitable - she's a hoarder and I don't think the husband knew any other way to contain it. Without knowing your brother's motivations we can't really judge though obviously hiding such a thing in a marriage is a massive deal.

RockinHippy · 27/07/2019 10:40

"YANBU but YABU for referring to your wife as “the wife”. Yuck"

& there goes a prime example of a greater spotted permanently offended bird.

Do you sit in front the of your mirror at home chatting to yourself about new ways to be offended. Hmm

Notcopingwellhere · 27/07/2019 10:43

Nope. I didn’t say it offended me, I said that I did not like it. Even my 2 year old knows what “Yuck” means.

mollpop · 27/07/2019 10:45

Just stay out of it. It’s odd that he doesn’t want to tell his wife, but it’s not your place to interfere

surreysnapper · 27/07/2019 10:48

Secrets like these eat away at families.
Your brother's finances are his own business but he's probably going to use it as his bolt fund

Passthecherrycoke · 27/07/2019 10:48

I don’t tell my husband about my bonus’. He is terrible with money and I don’t want him wasting it

alreadytaken · 27/07/2019 12:07

you and your wife obviously share finances. As you talk about his wife "bailing him out" it seems that your brother and his wife do not - perhaps she has discovered it's the only to stop him being spendrift.

Crucial question is whether they have children? If so and she is the financially sensible one but your brother is not then perhaps they should gift at least half of the money to her or at least discuss with her their desire to help the family and how they can best do so.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 27/07/2019 12:44

The parents should give a cheque in both their names and then it will have to go into a joint account

wafflyversatile · 27/07/2019 12:57

If the db wants to divorce his dw it would make more sense to tell the parents not to give him money right now. However he's not said that. Sounds like what's his is his and what's hers is theirs. He just wants to spend the money selfishly.

Has he given a reason for keeping it quiet?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 27/07/2019 13:05

My wife occasionally refers to me as 'me fella'. I thought it was just a term of endearment but after reading this thread I feel I should be offended.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 14:41

so he feels entitled to his wife's money but 'his' money is is just his?
i wouldn't enable him to shaft his wife.

StCharlotte · 27/07/2019 15:19

The parents should give a cheque in both their names and then it will have to go into a joint account

Brilliant!

EmeraldShamrock · 27/07/2019 15:26

It is shitty behaviour but not your business.
I recently discovered my Dad and his sister received 15,000 from a distant aunt, he said nothing to my DM or any of us, they are not well off at all, they live on a government pension.
My Dad has always been a snake with money, I didn't surprise me when my cousin mentioned the inheritance.

BuggersMuddle · 27/07/2019 17:39

I think your brother is being extremely unfair to you and the rest of your family. Imagine she finds out (she most likely will) and also discovers you all kept it from her?

He's now not just risking trouble in his marriage, but a huge family fall out impacting all of you and any children. If he won't tell his wife for the right reasons, he should at least think upon the potentially consequences if (when?) it all unravels.

That said, I'm not sure what else you can do but talk with him. Your parents OTOH are perfectly within their rights to tell who they like or even withhold the money if he's unwilling to be open and honest.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 27/07/2019 18:05

Parents want to give a gift - give it without ties - why do they feel the need to let everybody know - to bask in glory?
As for your brother wanting to keep it a secret from his wife - there are obviously Problems in the marriage - again, not your business unless he wants to share.

RaggeddeeAnn · 27/07/2019 18:13

Personally the parents should not care about public gratitude for their gift to the brothers. You don’t give gifts to get adulation in return. You do it to be nice. Second, we don’t know what the second brothers wife is like. I had a friend whose wife was abusive physically and controlling financially, it was only after he had secreted some running away money that he had the courage to leave her. Another friend of mine had a wife that would max out any credit card she could get her hands on. She even opened new ones in his name. He begged her to get help for being a shopaholic, and she refused. When he filed for divorce, she charged HER lawyer to HIS credit card. He ended up 50k in debt after divorce. We can’t say if it’s right or wrong for him to keep that money to himself without knowing more about his relationship.

Yesicancancan · 27/07/2019 18:21

the wife isn’t only his wife
She’s a dil and sil
H is bu.
I would not keep a secret if she asked me I’d tell her.

Yabbers · 27/07/2019 18:41

It is a colloquial dialect, perfectly acceptable.

No it isn’t. It’s demeaning and gives “the wife” a throwaway status.

My husband did it once, I pointed that out to him and he’s managed not to do it again.

fib88 · 27/07/2019 18:52

Gifts from parents of over £4,000 per year are taxable and you and your brother run the risk of being reported to the taxman by your banks - large amounts are automatically reported to HMRC to prevent proceeds of crime & money laundering. As for your brother he’s keeping his wife in the dark in case of divorce. I work in banking btw!

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 27/07/2019 19:29

By not being open about it, you and your parents are being deceitful to your SIL, so if you're happy being deceitful then keep his secret but otherwise you should be free to discuss the money in her presence.

If I were your DPs, I wouldn't give him the gift in these circumstances at all.

parentin · 27/07/2019 19:34

I am amazed at the number of people that think its okay to get invovled in peoples marriages. His mother is giving him a gift, what the hell has it got to do with anyone else apart from the parents and the son. I would be extremely angry at my family if they behaved in this way. Why would it even come up in conversation when talking to sil, do you reqularly share information about your financials. Incomings and outgoings.
My partner knows nothing of my inheritance or gifts i have recieved from my parents, he dose not even know how much im paid or what i have in savings. However he benefits from it. If we were to divorce he leaves with what he came with and so do i. We both work have 3 children together. My parents did not work hard all their lives to gift my husband anything. That money is for me and their grandchildren, and thats exactly how it will be used. It would not come to my parents mind to tell my partner anything

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/07/2019 19:39

I wouldn’t be gifting my children money if I thought their spouses automatically thought they were entitled to it too. A gift of money should be between parent and child, if they choose to share that’s fine but they should be under no obligation too.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 27/07/2019 19:41

If you're being asked to keep secrets, then you're involved, whether you want to be or not.

Plus, from the sounds of things, the DPs want their DIL to benefit also, whereas the son is making sure she won't. I also imagine that the parents don't want their DIL to think they have favourites if she finds out that they gave one son's family money but didn't to her husband (especially when that's not true!).

buey · 27/07/2019 20:07

Ok I never usually comment on these.. but I wonder if they are having marital problems? I am a family lawyer and can tell you that if inheritance if blended with the family finances it is available for sharing on divorce.. whereas if it is kept separate you are more likely to retain it for yourself... just wondering if this might be a factor?

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