Inheritance, brother wants to keep it quiet

[1strangerthings]

My parents are selling one of their properties. They want to retain 50% and split the rest between myself and my brother.

I am on a ftc with the possibility of it becoming permanent. I've said to the wife that I am planning to keep it to one side, but to reinvest it in a new upgraded property if I get a permanent contract.

My brother in the meantime wants to keep it secret from his wife. I have said it's not my business, so won't actually tell his wife, but I will certainly be speaking to my wife.

My parents on the other hand are frustrated. They want to be open about the fact that they are being generous to both families, rather than pretending to keep all the money. They (and us) are also slightly peeved that none of us are addressing this in open terms.

This is straightforward from your point of view, OP. As you've said, you won't mention it directly to his wife, but you refuse to keep it a secret from your own wife.

Ditto your parents (unless they feel strongly enough to withhold the gift).

Then it's up to your brother whether he wants to take the risk that his wife will find out anyway and be very pissed off that he didn't tell her.

Perhaps remind your brother of his vows.....

I would be devastated if my husband kept this from me. In fact my dh did get some inheritance and I told him it was his money but he wanted to share it with me and helped to pay my debts with it. Very generous but he said to me... he didn't say for richer for poorer as a joke

I don't think there's much point in second-guessing why your brother wants to keep this secret from his wife. The dilemma is whether all of you accede to his request or whether you don't. Either way, it is causing unhappiness now and will certainly cause more trouble further on down the line.

In your shoes, my starting point would be to get together with parents and brother to point out the unhappiness and difficulties it is causing, the future trouble it will lead to, and ask him why he believes you should put your obvious discomfort to one side and lie for him. What's the betting he won't have a coherent answer and hasn't really thought this through? If he's been in trouble financially and had to be bailed out by his wife, it sounds as though he doesn't think things through anyway.

Personally, I would not lie. My own birth family are secretive beyond belief and I long ago realised that secrets within a family are corrosive because you have to invent more lies to cover up the first lie. It always ends in tears so I simply refuse to play that game.

Why doesn't your brother want his wife to know about this windfall? Is their marriage perhaps not as happy as it might be, and he is thinking of a split? If so, then presumably he wouldn't want her to get half of it in any divorce settlement.

I thought that as soon as I read it.

OP, I'm afraid your brother sounds like a bit of a shit.

He may be financially abusive as much as planning to leave her.

Either way it’s a straight up piece of financial abuse.

The problem is your brother can’t keep it a secret from his wife without all of you keeping quiet too.
Personally I wouldn’t do it, it sounds like he owes her money & doesn’t want to pay her back, that makes him a lowlife. Trying to cheat his own family, nice.
Your parents have every right to be open about their gift.
We are in a similar position, about to gift some money to our dcs, if either of them wanted us to keep it a secret from their, very decent, partners they wouldn’t be getting it.
Don’t collide in his deception.

collude not collide.

I think the daughter in law will feel terribly sad when she inevitably finds out this. Sad because she is basically being lied to by all of you, as you will all be complicit in the lie. When you are married you hopefully gain extra family, and it seems your parents and you see her as family, therefore unless you/your parents are happy to irrevocably damage your relationship with her don't do this. Your parents need to say no! It is their money and their decision and it is unfair that he is even asking them to do it. Believe me she will find out, this is too big a secret to keep.

Your brother is a shit. His intention is to keep his wife in the dark that he has been gifted this money - why? He may be intent on leaving her. Or maybe to piss it up the wall - do you know what "stretched" his finances in the past? Regardless, he could whistle Dixie for expecting me to keep his grubby little secret. You say that " it's not my business, so won't actually tell his wife". But actually it is your 'business' since he is effectively making you his accomplice in his deceit. Are you really saying you're comfortable with being his accomplice? Forcing your wife to be his accomplice too? How is she likely to feel about that?

"My parents on the other hand are frustrated. They want to be open about the fact that they are being generous to both families, rather than pretending to keep all the money."
Then they should be open, since that's what they want to be. Your brother has requested secrecy, but he cannot enforce it. I would suggest that either your parents include his wife in the discussions, or as I believe someone upthread suggested, split their gift four ways not two. They could say something along the lines of it being symbolic, they wanted to make it clear to their daughter-in-law how highly they regard them blah blah blah.

Your brother's a shit. Don't enable him, or you'll be one too.

If your parents are intending to give a sum of money to a couple, they should say so to the couple, so that your SIL hears it from them, the donors. If it is being given to them both then your brother doesn't have the right to keep it from his wife, as 50% of it is supposed to be hers.

It's up to your parents and depends on what their intentions are.

FWIW, DH and I refer to our DS as THE BOY (referencing the Simpsons episode where Homer had a list of aggravations on which Bart featured under this term). It's affectionate and humorous, not intended in any disrespectful way.

It is not perfectly acceptable to refer to a spouse as "the wife.

Don't be such a fucking snob. This is perfectly normal and reasonable in various dialects in this country. Your particular manner of speaking is not the only correct one

OP, I totally understand your sentiment and I would be pushing your brother hard to tell his wife. Remind him that he is in a partnership and that keeping secrets of this nature is inappropriate and unfair.

I think you should also tell him that you are under no obligation to lie to his wife, and that if he doesn't tell her she will inevitably find out from someone else.

Surely the answer Is to split the money 4 ways and give a quarter each to you, brother, your wife and his.

They probably don't want their daughter in law thinking that they favour one son over the other and have to deal with fallout and resentment
It sounds from OPs second post that the sister in law is not daft and will realise immediately that one brother hasnt been favoured over another. The family should not keep the secret obviously. On the other hand its not their job to tell her either. She will work it out very quickly.

Don't be such a fucking snob.

Er, no. It's not a matter of dialect, it's disrespectful and misogynistic. It's a shit and dehumanising way to talk about someone who should be your equal life partner.

Surely the answer Is to split the money 4 ways and give a quarter each to you, brother, your wife and his

There’s no way I would do that. My children and grandchildren yes, but not their spouses.

I’d be worried if my child needed to keep some money secret in a marriage and would abide by their decision and ask if there was anything else I could do to help.

Not sure why the DIL would be unhappy at someone else’s parents gifting their children money. It’s nothing to do with her.

He’s being very unfair and I would refuse to keep it a secret

Er, no. It's not a matter of dialect, it's disrespectful and misogynistic. It's a shit and dehumanising way to talk about someone who should be your equal life partner.

Nope, you are being a fucking snob. And clearly projecting.

It’s a good job some of you don’t live round here - you’d be in a permanent state of apoplexy.

Cheeseton - Er no . Sorry you are talking complete bollocks. If YOU don't like 'the wife' then ask YOUR DH not to use it. Do not presume and police other people's language between each other. I LOVE being referred to as 'the wife' . It's my DHs way of speaking and no ones business but his and mine. Get a grip and stop wasting time policing people's terms of endearment for each other !

I think that you have to stick with your original stance OP. Tell him you won't tell her directly but you will be telling your wife. That you will not be colluding with him in asking anyone to keep it secret.
So he has a choice .. tell her himself, or wait for your wife to tell her. I know which one would give him an easier life.

He can't hide it anyway if he's thinking of divorce because there is a legal obligation to disclose. If he isn't planning to divorce then does he really believe his smart, clued up wife wouldn't notice his improved financial situation.
He is screwed either way !

As for your parents . Too bloody right they want to be acknowledged for their generosity. In what weird world should they not ??

It sounds like your brother isn't good with money. Whether that's incompetence or because he's a selfish bell end, we don't know. But it is starting to feel like his attitude is what's his is his, and what's hers is his too.

Somebody -preferably your parents - has to sit him down and find out why he doesn't want his wife to know. I think if I were your parents I'd do a family meal where each brother is presented with a cheque in front of their wives.

So she bailed him out and now he wants to hide money from her rather than pay her back. That’s shit beyond words. Really don’t let him drag you into his awful behaviour. Be open and honest, don’t lie, don’t hide. Tell him that you won’t be part of this and get your parents to say the same. Its not right.He can still refuse to repay her and then she’ll know what sort of person she is really married to.

Why is it anybody else’s business whether he tells his wife about the money? If it’s a gift to him, he’s entitled to do what he wants with it. It’s a shame he said anything about it.

Strange how an earlier thread on MN was about every woman having a 'Running away fund' but the thought never occurred to anyone on here that that might be HIS running away fund. Men can be abused too you know! Not everything is as it seems. Just sayin'....

Not sure why the DIL would be unhappy at someone else’s parents gifting their children money. It’s nothing to do with her.

Perhaps because her husband owes her money which he should be repaying out of that gift? Except he wants to hide it instead.

I wouldn't lie for him, he sounds like he has issues with money and isn't so trustworthy.

Your parents have all the power.
Invite them / all of over fork inch and say how happy they are they've been bale to give you this money and they hope the Xk will make a difference to all of your lives.

That's all it'll take.

B who is intending to spend it all or leave his wife can sulk all he wabts

The simple solution is not to get involved. There is no need to discuss your financial position, or lifestyle choices so don't. Keep it between yourself, your parents, and "the wife" 😏😁.

You've no reason to discuss with anyone else where the money for a particular investment came from. If anyone's rude enough to ask once you've received the money and used it for whatever purpose you see fit just brush the question aside.

Bluntly, yours is not DB & SIL money so it's not their business, and theirs is not your marriage so it's not your business.