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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a go at DH for being mins late

488 replies

Chickpea99 · 25/07/2019 21:04

So I was amongst unlucky train commuters today and spent 2,5 hours in three trains - overcrowden, insanely hot.
On last leg of journey called DH and told exact time to pick me up. Actually told to come few mins earlier.
I finally arrived - and surprise - DH is not there.
We live 3mins drive from station.
He artives 8mins after I arrived at station. On my question what took him so long I receive cold ‘sorry’ and he says he was vacuuming a car at petrol station.
So he decided that vacuuming car was the top priority and also he did not bother to notify me he is running late.
I had a go at him as it is not first time. He has no sense of urgency and although 8mins is not horribly long, what angers me is attitude.
He says if he wouldnt vacuum the car - theI would be angry. So basically pushing it back on me.
I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

OP posts:
Elle2019 · 26/07/2019 00:43

Wow OP he was 8 minutes late and this is going to ruin your weekend and you are not speaking to him... I’m going to tell you what I would tell a good friend..get a grip!

Do you treat your partner like this regularly?
He was cleaning the car not sitting at home doing nothing. I’m sorry but the whole it’s hot and I was on a train doesn’t cut it. I live in Queensland and have been pregnant twice in crazy heat on public transport. Does not excuse me speaking to my husband that way.

You owe him an apology.

RLOU30 · 26/07/2019 00:51

There's a lady on the active threads who has had her fiancé rob her of £24k in inheritance for gambling.

YABU

LillithsFamiliar · 26/07/2019 00:57

He could have texted you and it could have taken over 8 minutes for the text to arrive.
You owe him an apology and a thank you for coming to collect you in the first place.
If someone being 8 minutes late ruins your weekend, I think you need to consider if you have anxiety or an anger management issue. It's not an usual response.

bettydaviseyes1 · 26/07/2019 00:58

It's not the 8 minutes late you're annoyed about, its more, you need to figure it out

Chocolatepeanuts · 26/07/2019 01:01

If you were my OH and you lit on me like that after doing you a favour I would have put you back out of the car!!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/07/2019 01:09

Another that would have left you at the station if you had a go at me for doing something nice and collecting you when you could have easily walked.

skybluee · 26/07/2019 01:13

It's the principle though isn't it - if my partner had gotten in contact and asked for a lift, and I knew they'd been stuck on a train for 2 and a half hours and it was the hottest day of the year, I'd make damn sure I was there on time or before when they arrived - so that when they came out of the station, I was there. There's nothing more annoying than someone who is always late as it's disrespectful and for all we know this has been happening for years. Yes it's great he gave her a lift but honestly I'd rather not have a lift than arrange a lift and someone always be late. I'd rather just get home myself.

Also, today wasn't really normal circumstances and I can imagine the relief at finally getting to the station and tbh being desperate to get home and then seeing someone isn't there.

I'm pretty chill about a lot of things but... I don't think this is OK. It's pointless - if there had been a reason like being stuck behind a tractor then fair enough but choosing to vacuum doesn't make much sense. That's not more important than making sure you're there on time, as you said, for your partner.

skybluee · 26/07/2019 01:15

Having said that it wouldn't wreck my weekend and I wouldn't be angry, but would I think it was OK? No, not really. I wouldn't prioritise vacuuming above picking someone up under those circumstances.

DontTalkBloodyDaft · 26/07/2019 02:02

I would have driven off without you and made you walk.
I would have been sat in the garden with an ice cold beer by the time you got home.
Any complaints would have been met with a fuck off princess.

Isatis · 26/07/2019 03:04

I would also be annoyed. Sorry you're getting such a hard time on here. Unless I've read it wrong, he knew when to collect you, and in order to get there at the same time as you he had to leave home 3 minutes before your train got in.

He only knew when to collect OP when OP phoned him and issued her summons. He may well have been in the middle of something else, including vacuuming the car. It's quite arrogant to issue an order and expect your spouse to drop everything to obey when it doesn't hurt you to wait a few minutes.

mathanxiety · 26/07/2019 03:27

Considering that some trains were stopped today and passengers taken off by ambulance because they were overwhelmed by the heat, and that this was on the news, your H is an inconsiderate dick.

mathanxiety · 26/07/2019 03:33

We are not told when the OP called her H to ask him to pick her up.

She says she called 'on the last leg of the journey' but that doesn't mean she demanded he drop everything and 'obey' when she was five minutes from the home station.

If she mentioned that she had already spent at least two hours on sweltering trains when she called him and he still kept on vacuuming, then he deserves to sleep in the doghouse tonight and for many future nights.

If she didn't mention it, she should have.

If he was in the middle of vacuuming the car when she called, then he should have warned her that he might be late.

IamWaggingBrenda · 26/07/2019 05:27

I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.. Ruin your weekend?! Wow, you sound like an absolute treasure. He’s probably thrilled you aren’t talking to him. Get something real to be pissed about. YABVU.

00100001 · 26/07/2019 05:41

@maloofhoof

But ITS NOT RUDE TO BE LATE WHEN ITS NOT YOUR FAULT l.

Was I being ride the time I had to stop the car, run out and help an old lady who had fallen down in the road, helped her, waited for the ambulance with her...and then carried on my way....

No. I wasn't

So, what are you not understanding? You don't understand how sometimes being late is not rude Confused

you are telling Porkie Pies if you are saying you have never been late to ANYTHING in your life.

Because shit happens. I never intend to be late for anything. But life happens and occasionally I am late, because other people hold me up, for whatever reason.

I can't believe that you haven't once ever been stuck in a train, in a traffic jam, held up by someone.... Ever in your entire life...

Surfingtheweb · 26/07/2019 05:44

If he's always late tell him an earlier time then you need him. Then he can be 5 mins late but really he's on time 😀

DecomposingComposers · 26/07/2019 05:56

but choosing to vacuum doesn't make much sense. That's not more important than making sure you're there on time, as you said, for your partner.

He didn't choose to vacuum though did he? He was already vacuuming the car and just finished up and went to pick up OP.

Should he have just stopped what he was doing and driven to the station immediately? Even though he was using the vacuum at the petrol station, which you have to pay for. So, you would expect him to abandon it, drive to pick up OP, and then what, drive back to garage, pay again in order to finish the vacuuming, rather than just spend 5 minutes finishing up before going to get OP? Is he her skivvy or something, having to jump to it on her command?

Why didn't she text him 20 minutes before her ETA, asking if he was free to pick her up? That's what we do if one of us wants a lift - we text when we are about 5 stops from home, so the other person has a chance to finish what they're doing. I wouldn't text when I was a few minutes away and demand that my DH drops everything and rushes to pick me up.

mathanxiety · 26/07/2019 06:05

He didn't choose to vacuum though did he? He was already vacuuming the car and just finished up and went to pick up OP.

Where does the OP say that?

She does not say when she called the H to ask for the lift. It was some time during the last leg of her three-train journey. She may well have texted him 20 minutes before her eta. 'Last leg' in the context of a three train journey means 'last train', not last five minutes of train trip.

Regardless of the fact that there is nothing to support their assertions, it has been confidently stated by many posters here that the OP called and gave her H almost no notice to demand the lift.

Lovelydovey · 26/07/2019 06:13

A considerate partner would have been there on time, with a cold bottle of something to drink. A hot 2.5 hr journey is horrendous.

While DH and I don’t pick each other up from the station, I this weather whoever has got home first has made made sure there is a cold drink ready for the others arrival (and kids have done this too).

It’s about consideration of the others needs. An 8 min wait in this heat is unbearable, let alone on top of a sweaty train journey.

That said, I would be the bigger person, apologise for your reaction and put it all down to the heat. If DH is sensible he will apologise for being late.

00100001 · 26/07/2019 06:16

“A considerate partner would have been there on time, with a cold bottle of something to drink. A hot 2.5 hr journey is horrendous. ”

A considerate person wouldn’t demand an exact pick up time, nor would they be angry for the picker up not having hoovered the car.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 26/07/2019 06:18

There’s a long running series of threads on here from a lady who was forced to constantly walk on eggshells for years around her controlling husband. She was punished for any perceived slight wrong with days of huffing and silent treatment.

She’s since left him and he has had a complete breakdown.

I suggest you find those threads and read them carefully.

Your poor husband.

PeonyTruffle · 26/07/2019 06:23

Your whole weekend is ruined?

Jeez let's hope you're never faced with actual problems, v OTT reaction

00100001 · 26/07/2019 06:32

Imagine this situation from the other POV with roles reversed

“My husband was stuck on a 2.5hr train journey in this heat. He rang me and told me to pick him up at exactly 17:17. WE live 3 minutes from the station, Andy he won’t walk the 10 minutes because he had a suitcase and bag. I got to the car and realised it needed petrol and hoovering. He gets angry with me info the car isn’t clean. So I nipped the garage on the way and cleaned the car. I got to the station at 17:25. He’s now angry with me. He asked me why he wasn’t my top priority... I said sorry and explained why I was late. But now he is angry with me and giving me the silent treatment after telling me Ive ruined his entire weekend. What should I do?”

raspberrycordial · 26/07/2019 06:33

He sounds frightened of you, the fact that he had to vacuum the car or you'd be angry. Are you emotionally Abusive to him?

Shoxfordian · 26/07/2019 06:37

Yabu op
Let it go and enjoy the weekend

maloofhoof · 26/07/2019 06:45

@00100001 you're seriously not reading anything I've put are you. How many times. HE WAS NOT stuck in traffic, helping a fallen old lady, in an accident. He was VACUUMING Hmm

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