To have a go at DH for being mins late

[Chickpea99]

So I was amongst unlucky train commuters today and spent 2,5 hours in three trains - overcrowden, insanely hot.
On last leg of journey called DH and told exact time to pick me up. Actually told to come few mins earlier.
I finally arrived - and surprise - DH is not there.
We live 3mins drive from station.
He artives 8mins after I arrived at station. On my question what took him so long I receive cold ‘sorry’ and he says he was vacuuming a car at petrol station.
So he decided that vacuuming car was the top priority and also he did not bother to notify me he is running late.
I had a go at him as it is not first time. He has no sense of urgency and although 8mins is not horribly long, what angers me is attitude.
He says if he wouldnt vacuum the car - theI would be angry. So basically pushing it back on me.
I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

I'd quit arguing with MathAnxiety if I was you, she doesn't believe women can do anything wrong.

Math do you think the husband had an obligation to collect op? What if he had just told her that he was too busy? So op had to wait for a bit. Standing waiting is surely less onerous than walking home with a bag and a suitcase so even though DH was slightly late he still made it easier on op than not going at all.

And sulking for 3 days is not a way for grown ups to behave.

Thank you for answering my question @mathanxiety, I disagree with you but I appreciate you replying.

Christ is this thread still rumbling along. You seem weirdly over invested in this mathanxiety.

...do you think the husband had an obligation to collect op?
If it's all boiled down, nobody has an actual obligation to do anything for anyone else, but that's not how life works. Doing things for our nearest and dearest is what makes the world go round, as they say.
Telling your nearest and dearest you will be there at a certain time and then not being there, and doing this habitually, is going to have the opposite effect on domestic harmony, as demonstrated.

He gave an assurance that he would be there at the requested time, and therefore he had an obligation to be there at the time he said he would be there.
He had the choice to say, 'Sorry, can't make it, I'm vacuuming the car right now, stay inside the station, buy a bottle of water, try to stay cool, I'll call you when the vacuuming is finished.' Or he could have phoned her to say the vacuuming was taking more time than anticipated if some problem arose. He chose instead to make her wait in the heat with no word as to when he would arrive.

Being late and withholding information about it to the person waiting is a power play. It's a means of communicating where the waiting person stands in the order of priorities.

What if he had just told her that he was too busy?
That would have been much better than making her wait. At least then she would have known she should walk, or she could have tried to get a taxi.
Telling someone what amounts to a lie (and then refusing to accept criticism for that) is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

It would have been the honest and grown up thing to do, as would saying sorry and then shutting up. Because keeping someone waiting on such a hot day after such a long train trip really was a shitty thing to do.

Standing waiting is surely less onerous than walking home with a bag and a suitcase so even though DH was slightly late he still made it easier on op than not going at all.
How long is too long to stand and wait when you have been told the person will be there with the car at a certain time?
5 minutes?
10?
15?
20?
Half an hour?
Does weather make a difference? Extreme heat? Extreme cold? Bucketing down?
Physical condition? Pregnant? Prolapsed uterus? Wait listed for a gallbladder operation? Prone to migraines? Kidney problems?
How long could she have been left waiting before she could have justifiably torn rashers off him?
Bear in mind that he didn't contact her to give an ETA when he knew he was running late, so she had no way of knowing when he would turn up, no way to decide whether she should try to hail a taxi, or set off on foot. Or go to get herself a cold drink.

To those attempting to make some point about 'women can do no wrong', you need to educate yourselves about abuse.

Say what you want about the OP (this is just a turn of phrase, btw) there was no failure to communicate on her part. She did what grown ups do.
She communicated the request to meet her at the station ahead of her arrival time (probably because of past experiences of being made to wait).

Then the OP clearly communicated her feelings about being made to wait.
Despite the horror expressed here, this is a perfectly acceptable thing to do, unless you believe the role of women is to always be agreeable and let people walk all over you.

The H clearly communicated that he wasn't interested in hearing about her feelings, nor did he accept that he had done anything wrong.
In fact, he asserted that he was the wronged one. This is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a way to inflict pain and destroy a relationship.

He effectively told her to shutup, and many here are howling about her decision to do just that.

Apparently, what she should have done over the weekend was to try to get over herself, or try to get her H to listen to her as she explained civil behaviour to him - the importance of being on time or letting someone know when you will be late, and the importance of meaning it when you say sorry - when this man had already told her very clearly that he had no interest in civility.

By the same token, op could have simply decided to get a taxi once she realised DH wasn't there to collect her. Why didn't she text him to say don't bother coming I'll get a cab?

Why did she need DH to say "wait in the station, buy some water" etc? She's an adult isn't she? Can she not figure these things for herself?

And no I don't think she has communicated like an adult - by her own admission she "told" him to pick her up and at what time and then became so angry with him that she pre planned to sulk for 3 days - what is adult about that? If I would like my DH to pick me up I always ask of it is convenient. I would never "tell" him to.

Yes, @mathanxiety we still get it. You support the OPs abuse.

We all know you think it’s acceptable for OP to give people the silent treatment and not have the apologise for being grumpy. And yo think it acceptable for her to blame her husband for ruining the thrive weekend.

We get it.

Stop bleating on.

Jesus Christ. She's like a dog with a bone

Ok math. You're right, ok

Doesn't look as though the OP is coming back.

Doesn't look as though the OP is coming back.

She's too busy planning her second marriage - she and mathanxiety will be very happy together

By the same token, op could have simply decided to get a taxi once she realised DH wasn't there to collect her. Why didn't she text him to say don't bother coming I'll get a cab?
DecomposingComposers

But how could she have known if he was 30 seconds away as she stepped into the taxi?

Would it have been safe for the H to read a text while in the car on his way to get her?

Would he have heard his phone announcing the text if he had been wielding a noisy car vacuum, or would he have been able to interrupt the hoover without having to put more money into the machine, assuming he was doing it at a filling station or car wash?

The problem with your neat solution is that the OP didn't know where her H was and couldn't be sure her H could read a text. She would have been stuck waiting around for an answer from him if she had texted. Not sure why the bleeding obvious doesn't smack you as forcefully in the face as it strikes me, DecomposingComposers, but there you are...

No doubt getting a taxi would have been called the height of rudeness and impatience by many here if he had been on the way or if she hadn't waited around to hear back from her H after texting him. The kind, patient, polite, put upon H said he was coming to get her after all...

Of course, getting a taxi would have been fine if her H had texted to say he was vacuuming the car and would be late, offering her the information she needed in order to make a considerate choice.

It's actually very polite to text if you are going to be late. Maybe not in the universe a good few of you seem to inhabit, granted. I have a sneaking suspicion that many of you are people who are habitually late - with cast iron excuses, of course. That makes it fine. God forbid that anyone should criticise someone for being late, or for not getting in touch to tell the person waiting for them so that they could make their own travel arrangements, or go ahead and order at a restaurant, etc.

Quite a few people seem to think I am the only one 'bleating on' here, yet I seem to be seeing the same usernames over and over again. Funny that. Is this a case of one rule for some and one rule for others (who coincidentally don't share your pov)?