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Original poster

To have a go at DH for being mins late

488 replies

Chickpea99 · 25/07/2019 21:04

So I was amongst unlucky train commuters today and spent 2,5 hours in three trains - overcrowden, insanely hot.
On last leg of journey called DH and told exact time to pick me up. Actually told to come few mins earlier.
I finally arrived - and surprise - DH is not there.
We live 3mins drive from station.
He artives 8mins after I arrived at station. On my question what took him so long I receive cold ‘sorry’ and he says he was vacuuming a car at petrol station.
So he decided that vacuuming car was the top priority and also he did not bother to notify me he is running late.
I had a go at him as it is not first time. He has no sense of urgency and although 8mins is not horribly long, what angers me is attitude.
He says if he wouldnt vacuum the car - theI would be angry. So basically pushing it back on me.
I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/07/2019 02:42

If that's what you call logic, then I have the explanation I need for your posts on this thread, NeckPain.

00100001 Tue 30-Jul-19 08:51:02
@mathanxiety
"It's all there"

Yep.

And so is the OPs silent treatment. And her informing us that she will be angry for three entire days. So is her having a go at him. So is her telling rather than asking. So is her lack of response to fair questions.

LOL - find out your misplaced assumption is wrong and change the subject.

Then disparage the OP for not answering your questions.
Sheer petulance. She owes you nothing.

There is nothing wrong with her having a go at him. Habitual lateness might be forgivable on a day when your commute takes the normal amount of time and the weather is nothing out of the usual.

But when your commute has taken 2.5 hours and has involved three trains on the second hottest day ever recorded in the UK, and your H won't just say sorry when taken to task about his lateness then anger is perfectly justified.

If you are so concerned about this poor put-upon diddums of a husband, maybe you should all be very thankful that this OP has decided not to talk to her H for the whole weekend.

mathanxiety · 31/07/2019 02:47

TheFridgeRaider Tue 30-Jul-19 08:27:42
@mathanxiety
You forgot the reason he gave for hoovering the car.

The reason he gave for hoovering the car was classic passive aggression, the tactic of someone who shuts their partner down and never admits wrong, at all, ever, no matter how wrong he is, no matter how obvious the fault is, and no matter how easy it might be to simply say, 'I am sorry'.

Some of you need to hang out on the Relationships board and broaden your education. There is a lot of wide eyed naivete on this thread.

mathanxiety · 31/07/2019 02:52

Why have you decided the OP gave the DH 20 minutes notice @mathanxiety? That's quite specific and yet you're concerned about the "evidence" that others have.

I haven't 'decided' that MRex.

I have suggested it.

She does not say when she called the H to ask for the lift. It was some time during the last leg of her three-train journey. She may well have texted him 20 minutes before her eta. 'Last leg' in the context of a three train journey means 'last train', not last five minutes of train trip.

Maybe read a little more closely?

MRex · 31/07/2019 06:36

20 minutes is no more nor less plausible than 3 minutes, 25 minutes etc. Perhaps you could read more clearly to the end of that post @mathanxiety, then you can see why it doesn't matter and answer my question about proportionality. (I appreciate and apologise for the irony in the maths!)

I sincerely hope you aren't the OP, because I hoped once she'd calmed down she would have sorted things out with her DH later that same evening. Your level of investment in defending her argument is strange if you don't know any more than the rest of us responding here.

Isatis · 31/07/2019 08:09

It's all there. All you have to do is read the words, people

No, it isn't, mathanxiety. "Not the first time" does not mean "habitual". As you say, read the words, but don't try to make them mean what you want them to mean.

Isatis · 31/07/2019 08:14

But when your commute has taken 2.5 hours and has involved three trains on the second hottest day ever recorded in the UK, and your H won't just say sorry when taken to task about his lateness then anger is perfectly justified

Again, it's all there - he did say sorry.

And is unspeakable fury and a ruined weekend really justified?

TheFridgeRaider · 31/07/2019 08:40

😮 Is this STILL going?

Just let this thread die.
It's fucking shameful tbh

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/07/2019 11:36

😮 Is this STILL going? Just let this thread die. It's fucking shameful tbh

You do realise no one forces you to read or post, right?

And ‘shameful’? What is it with the ridiculous over-the-top language on here lately?

mathanxiety · 01/08/2019 02:06

20 minutes is no more nor less plausible than 3 minutes, 25 minutes etc

I am not using 20 minutes as a tool to bash the OP over the head with, whereas those insisting - with no evidence at all - that she gave her husband virtually no notice are, MRex.

Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 02:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mathanxiety · 01/08/2019 02:10

Isatis, he gave a half hearted sorry (in the OP's words 'a cold sorry') and then blamed her for his lateness by telling her she would have been angry if he hadn't vacuumed the car.

That's 'Sorry not sorry. It's your fault'.

mathanxiety · 01/08/2019 02:15

MRex
Your level of investment in defending her argument is strange if you don't know any more than the rest of us responding here.

The level of investment in accusing her of being a controlling harridan is strange unless there is an agenda involving how 'women are just as bad as men when it comes to controlling behaviour'.

I know what the OP herself has posted here, which is something most other posters are determined to ignore.

MRex · 01/08/2019 08:08

I haven't "accused her of being a controlling harridan", I've said her aggressive response is out of proportion to the issue. Why do you still comment on everything but that? A 3.5 day sulk over an 8 minute delay is in no way proportionate.

DocusDiplo · 01/08/2019 08:09

This cannot be real.

m00rfarm · 01/08/2019 08:12

Actually I’d have been a bit fed up to have didn’t do long on the train and then oh was late. Not enough to ruin the weekend but I would have said something.

wheretoyougonow · 01/08/2019 08:16

I think the Op is giving this thread the silent treatment to .... She must lead a very quiet life 😂

mathanxiety · 01/08/2019 08:24

Maybe you don't mind people being late and leaving you waiting, MRex.

At the risk of boring you to death, I think it's worth reminding you that the OP states this wasn't the first time her H had left her waiting. On top of that, Thursday was the second hottest day the UK has seen and she had been on a trip for 2.5 hours involving 3 trains in that heat, followed by what was obviously an agreement to meet her at the station with no mention of the car vacuuming plan (or she wouldn't have been disappointed and angered when her H didn't show up) followed by a wait, followed by a 'cold' sorry and an attempt to turn the situation into a criticism of her.

I hope when she is done with her sulk that she takes the time to think about the relationship and whether there is a future for it.

MRex · 01/08/2019 08:50

At the risk of being equally boring, I'll ask again @mathanxiety. Planning a 3.5 day silent sulk is the problem; that is a very aggressive response and I do not think it is proportionate, are you happy that was a proportionate response? It isn't about being cross that he was late; it's fine and understandable to be grumpy with him in the moment, but that isn't what she said was happening. I agree with you that their relationship needs to be reevaluated, it doesn't sound healthy.

00100001 · 01/08/2019 08:57

Okay, okay @mathanxiety - we get it, you're totally on board with the OP and you think it's absolutely fine and not abusive for her to give her DH the silent treatment for over three days... we get it!

00100001 · 01/08/2019 08:59

@MRex ... but don't you see math's logic? He's been late before.... so naturally he should expect to be abused by his wife...how else will he learn??? Honestly if he just stopped being late, she wouldn't have to do this to him, would she? It's for his own good....

Guavaf1sh · 01/08/2019 09:19

I think your husband should LTB

Isatis · 01/08/2019 09:34

he gave a half hearted sorry (in the OP's words 'a cold sorry)

But this is the OP who was planning to ruin the entire weekend over 8 minutes. It's inevitable that she's going to minimise his apology in those circumstances.

And, to be honest, if I was doing someone a favour and they went ape over waiting 8 minutes, I'm not sure how abject my apologies would be.

Glad to see you've abandoned the "habitual lateness" allegation.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2019 00:18

Planning a 3.5 day silent sulk is the problem; that is a very aggressive response and I do not think it is proportionate, are you happy that was a proportionate response? It isn't about being cross that he was late; it's fine and understandable to be grumpy with him in the moment, but that isn't what she said was happening.

You are right, that wasn't what she said was happening, MRex.

Here is what happened:
He made her wait and it wasn't the first time.
When tackled on being late he turned it around on her - implying she is a bitch and therefore his conduct is unimpeachable, certainly establishing that his lateness (on such a hot day, after such a long trip, when she had no reason to believe that he had any plans that would delay him) and failure to communicate that he was delayed won't be discussed.

Yes - completely proportionate.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2019 00:24

I haven't abandoned the 'habitual lateness' allegation Isatis.

This is something the OP said, and unlike you, I have decided to take the entirety of the OP's version of events both on Thursday and before then into account when posting here.

But this is the OP who was planning to ruin the entire weekend over 8 minutes. It's inevitable that she's going to minimise his apology in those circumstances.
You have decided that she is making things up after the fact (the 'cold sorry') to suit alleged her plan of sulking for the weekend. Because apparently it is reasonable to believe a woman would decide to sulk for no reason and then make up things her H did or said as an ex post facto excuse.

Quite a feat of twisting the OP's account there on your part.

Isatis · 02/08/2019 00:55

She really didn't say that, mathanxiety. All she said was that this was not the first time. That simply does not equate to habitual lateness.

My point about the "cold sorry" arises precisely because I'm reading the entirety of OP's version. This is someone who told her husband to pick her up and then became unspeakably angry and was planning to allow the next 3+ days to be ruined because he was 8 minutes late - not because he couldn't be bothered to collect her, not because he was doing something to please himself, but because he was vacuuming the car. Sure, if I were met with that level of anger despite doing my DH a favour, my apology might well be less than fulsome and grovelling - but it's still an apology, and it's very mean-spirited to try to dismiss it. Frankly, I'm not sure that he needed to apologise at all.