To have a go at DH for being mins late

[Chickpea99]

So I was amongst unlucky train commuters today and spent 2,5 hours in three trains - overcrowden, insanely hot.
On last leg of journey called DH and told exact time to pick me up. Actually told to come few mins earlier.
I finally arrived - and surprise - DH is not there.
We live 3mins drive from station.
He artives 8mins after I arrived at station. On my question what took him so long I receive cold ‘sorry’ and he says he was vacuuming a car at petrol station.
So he decided that vacuuming car was the top priority and also he did not bother to notify me he is running late.
I had a go at him as it is not first time. He has no sense of urgency and although 8mins is not horribly long, what angers me is attitude.
He says if he wouldnt vacuum the car - theI would be angry. So basically pushing it back on me.
I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

Not just callous.
I read numerous times on MN that silent treatment is a form of abuse

I’d be pissed off too, but I think it’s one thing that needs to be forgotten about. Own the fact that you’re hot and pissed off (or were - hope you calmed down) and make it up with your husband. Life is too short to stay pissed off when the main culprit for your misery was the weather and public transport.

NeckPainChairSearch
We've all commuted. We've all known hot, long days. We've all known irritation. We've all been pissed off.

You are even minimising the weather conditions and the length of the journey now.

Actually, there has only been one other day hotter than Thursday in the UK, so while you may have experienced 'long, hot summer days' you have only seen one hotter.

And this was a heck of a commute, involving three trains and 2.5 hours of travel.
Don't forget a backpack on her back and a suitcase to maneuver on and off trains and along platforms..
Is that what you do daily in extraordinary heat?

It's not the first time he was late. You can choose not to believe that if you wish. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Women are entitled to be hopping mad when their spouses or partners let them down.

Oh and gaslighting encompasses throwing something unrelated into a conversation in order to attack someone making a valid point about being let down or abused.

In this case, 'I was vacuuming the car because otherwise you would have been mad at me for not doing that'.
In other words, 'You are always angry so none of your anger is justified'.
The woman can't win for losing.

The woman can't win for losing.

Or maybe she just frequently subjects her partner to the silent treatment for the whole weekend when he gets something wrong

The main thing I’ve taken from this thread is that I’ve never in my entire life heard that you’re meant to be intentionally late for a dinner party

If I was invited to a friend’s for 7.30, I’d aim to arrive at 7.30. Likewise, if I asked people to come over to mine for dinner at 7.30, I’d expect them to arrive anytime from then onwards. I’d probably be late though because I’m the kind of perennially late person the OP hates. I really don’t care if other people are late either.

lyralalala

Maybe we could just believe her when she says he has form for being late and pulling a stunt like the excuse/attack instead of making stuff up about her?

We’re not making up anything about her - she’s the one that declared her whole weekend ruined because she wouldn’t be able to talk to him because he was a few minutes late.

If it’s acceptable to jump to conclusions about him then we can read between the lines with her as well.

Actually, there has only been one other day hotter than Thursday in the UK, so while you may have experienced 'long, hot summer days' you have only seen one hotter

Have I? Tell me more about my life in the various places I've lived around the world.

Then, feel free to answer the question above that both you and Vivienne have dodged. I'll help:

Which you would also do to a woman, picking up her husband and running 8 minutes later because she was vacuuming the car to avoid him getting annoyed about it; and was then told that her DH would ruin the weekend by still being angry 3 days later that she picked him up a few minutes late? You would accuse her of gaslighting and being potentially abusive?

This woman is gaslighting, yes? ^^. Picking up her fuming, too-angry-to- speak husband, after she vacuumed the car? You're calling 'gaslighting' right?

In your own time.

You are making up the 'frequently subjects her partner to the silent treatment' bit.

She has stated that her H has form for turning criticism back on her (i.e. not accepting that the criticism is valid) and for being late. That is not me jumping to conclusions. It's me demonstrating that I can read.

As I said, you can choose to believe that or not.

If you won't believe it, then I have to wonder about your agenda here.

It's me demonstrating that I can read

Marvellous. In which case, you've read the repeated question from me and several other posters asking whether you'd accuse a woman of 'gaslighting' her DH by doing precisely the same things the DH did here.

You know...This woman is gaslighting, yes? ^^. Picking up her fuming, too-angry-to- speak husband, after she vacuumed the car? You're calling 'gaslighting' right?

You would make the same call if it was the DH on the train, yes? Angry and demanding? Ruining 'his weekend' etc.? The DW would be gaslighting him by being 8 minutes late and vacuuming the car?

It's interesting that neither you nor Vivienne has replied to this fairly salient point. It would genuinely help to comprehend your viewpoint if you could shed a little light.

If you won't believe it, then I have to wonder about your agenda here

Why are you so determined to put the OP in the position of victim here? What is YOUR agenda? Sometimes, women are wrong. They behave badly. We are all accountable for our actions.

Your determination to paint the OP as a victim is odd.

NeckPainChairSearch
I tend to focus on the OP's posts, and not on material I have already dealt with which pushes a certain very obvious agenda.

You can look up what I have said about the vacuuming yourself. Also passive aggressive behaviour. Also the corrosive effect of chronic lateness.

And you can look up the meaning of 'gaslighting' while you're at it. In this context it's the attempt to turn the criticism back onto the OP herself by a man who won't accept criticism of lateness.

This woman is gaslighting, yes? ^^. Picking up her fuming, too-angry-to- speak husband, after she vacuumed the car? You're calling 'gaslighting' right?
This is drivel.
Not a 'fairly salient point'.

Fwiw, I have also lived in hotter places than the UK, but trains tend to have AC in them, and so do platforms and stations, and people are better conditioned to the heat. Even in places where AC is a rarity, trains in hotter places tend to run according to schedule in the heat, and there are no headlines about passengers being taken to hospital, rails buckling, or massive delays, and journeys don't turn into 2.5 hour horror stories.

wgntv.com/2019/01/30/when-its-this-cold-chicago-sets-its-train-tracks-on-fire/ Cold is no object either, in some places.

It doesn't matter how hot you have been elsewhere though, or even that you may have experienced rail delays due to heat. Unless you have a H who said he would pick you up and then made you wait, then tried to gaslight you when you called him on the delay (i.e make the conversation all about how he was the victim and you were at fault), and this was a habit of his, then your experience of hotter days is irrelevant.

I love how on this website given enough tone even the craziest of OPs wil find enough people to support their view

AIBU is an enabler of unreasonable behaviour

I think we actually all agree on some points and that agreement is getting lost. If the OP had said "it was so hot and the journey was so rough that I lost my temper because he's always late and he was late AGAIN", I think we'd all have supported her. Tempers get frayed and it was a rough journey. We really do all know how it feels to be hot, tired, delayed and to have people late to meet us. I suspect most of us have also had more serious irritations to deal with in our relationships, but regardless we all know how it is to think "FFS, AGAIN?" about our own partner's favourite flaws. Nobody's perfect, everyone gets irritated and being persistently late is a bit irritating.

Now, on to what happened next. OP says she is PLANNING a 3.5 day silent treatment sulk (still going on presumably?); that is unreasonable at the best of times, but the words used to blame it on the ignored party are even more troubling; HE ruined HER weekend because SHE has decided to enter into this lengthy sulk. That this is all over less than 10 minutes delay is flat-out ridiculous. She wasn't left stuck in a hot train, she was able to stroll about enjoying the fresh air and sunshine for a few minutes, instead she chose to use that time to build herself up into an unreasonable and coldly controlled rage. I've no issue with her being slightly irritated that he's "always" late, but the level of aggression shown by the OP's stated plans are unhealthy and irrational. I believe she needs to be clear on that, because if she really has followed through on this sulk then she needs to really to someone to develop better coping strategies. I mean that both for her own sake in managing adversity with lower blood pressure and for the sake of those around her, who shouldn't be subjected to the excessive aggression she planned.

Does that make a bit more sense?

The posters turning it around so the man is at fault should be ashamed of themselves.

This is drivel. Not a 'fairly salient point'

You haven't answered it though? You would accuse a woman of gaslighting her DH in this situation? I don't see where you've answered this, and it is quite central to your belief that the DH's actions were so terrible.

Yes or no would be helpful, rather than a little lecture about hot days in other countries. Most people don't lose their shit because of a hot day, to this extent. Period.

I think that you think that you're striking a blow for women here. That you're the only person who is standing up for the poor REAL victim here and we're all addled of brain and don't get it. Your 'explanation' of passive-aggressive behavior and gaslighting is unnecessary - I've spoken about it a lot in my posts on MN.

I think you're completely misguided. To want to paint a woman - whose own behaviour was arguably bullying and abusive (specifically the threat to let her anger spread over 3.5 days) - as the 'victim does NOT help women.

It does not advance - for example - a feminist agenda, to excuse women their own poor behavior.

To say that all women must be victims of men in some way, to bend the facts, and to accept on face value SOME of what the OP says - but only that which fits your skewed 'truth' - is a foolish thing to do and does not help TRUE victims one single jot.

mathanxiety

Delusional!

Neck absolutely spot on, agree with everything you've said.

Unless you have a H who said he would pick you up and then made you wait

Where does OP say her husband had agreed to pick her up? She simply says she told him when to do so.

Even if he did, it really is ludicrous to be unspeakably angry several hours after an 8 minute wait, let alone to announce that it is going to ruin the weekend.

NeckPainChairSearch

Agree with everything that you've said.

Some people are so keen to defend women at all costs that they end up defending the indefensible.

You are even minimising the weather conditions and the length of the journey now. Actually, there has only been one other day hotter than Thursday in the UK, so while you may have experienced 'long, hot summer days' you have only seen one hotter. And this was a heck of a commute, involving three trains and 2.5 hours of travel.

So why is it an extra eight minutes, not spent on a hot crowded train, that ‘ruins her weekend’? Why are YOU minimising the weather conditions by not accepting THAT was what have should have put her in a bad mood, not a minimal wait outside.

Blimey StillCoughingandLaughing - you must have missed the bit about the man being habitually late and letting her down.

Maybe she had hopes that on this day of all days he would surely make the effort to pick her up at the time she needed him?

(That is me taking into account the weather conditions as well as the context of being let down, both details that the OP mentioned, btw, but it seems many of you are only capable of dealing with one detail at a time.)

Yes or no would be helpful, rather than a little lecture about hot days in other countries. Most people don't lose their shit because of a hot day, to this extent.

Prime example of only dealing with one element of what happened.

(You were the one who brought up hot days in other countries where you have allegedly lived as a means of reprimanding the OP about her failure in the stiff upper lip department - I responded to your comment by reminding you that places that are normally hot usually have AC and don't suffer the crazy weather-related issues the UK does).

Looks like tempers are rising again, and it's not even hot.

Responses to issues should be proportionate to the issues. If this was a proportionate response to an 8 minute delay, then what are appropriate escalations when there are real issues like spilled turps on the newly (previously) lacquered wood floors? Asking for a friend? Because at this escalation level GBH with possible lots of a limb looks appropriate, rather than a sympathetic pat and a "that was silly, but I'm sure you can fix it" despite irritation that he's never careful enough.

Anyway, OP's sulk should be finished today, whoop!"