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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a go at DH for being mins late

488 replies

Chickpea99 · 25/07/2019 21:04

So I was amongst unlucky train commuters today and spent 2,5 hours in three trains - overcrowden, insanely hot.
On last leg of journey called DH and told exact time to pick me up. Actually told to come few mins earlier.
I finally arrived - and surprise - DH is not there.
We live 3mins drive from station.
He artives 8mins after I arrived at station. On my question what took him so long I receive cold ‘sorry’ and he says he was vacuuming a car at petrol station.
So he decided that vacuuming car was the top priority and also he did not bother to notify me he is running late.
I had a go at him as it is not first time. He has no sense of urgency and although 8mins is not horribly long, what angers me is attitude.
He says if he wouldnt vacuum the car - theI would be angry. So basically pushing it back on me.
I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

OP posts:

Carthage · 26/07/2019 08:36

Blimey, if you're not speaking to him over something so trivial, I'd call that abusive,, yes. I can't bear sulking and the cold shoulder. Be an adult and say, I was upset you weren't on time but sorry for overreacting. I'd just had an awful journey. Ot I feel uncared for/disrespected when someone turns up late. Or whatever it is that genuinely upsets you.

Unless it's because you like being in charge, and you think he should always step up to your expectations, in which case, get some help - you're not his boss, and you chose to many him. Many things about married life should be negotiated, not presecribed.

If you want the car vacuumed, do it yourself if it's that important to you.

glueandstick · 26/07/2019 08:54

I was an hour late picking my husband up from a conference on Monday-I’d stopped with the 4 year old for something to eat and we were having fun.

He didn’t even batt an eyelid.

If it had been say our wedding or an appointment I’d have been furious. But the train station? Nah.

Isatis · 26/07/2019 08:54

I disagree with almost everyone! The 8 minutes late, plus the fact you'd asked him to come early. So, quarter of an hour. More importantly it's a lack of respect.

It's not as if this is a carefully worked-out agreement: OP didn't ask if he could collect her, she just told him to, at short notice. If anything, it's issuing orders to your partner to meet you regardless of their own plans that shows a lack of respect.

siring1 · 26/07/2019 08:57

The more he's late, the less time he spends with you. Seems sensible of him.

RadishesAndLentils · 26/07/2019 09:01

DP wasn't late. The OP was.

It would have been silly to wait for her at the station before she got there because even once the train had started its journey, there was still the likelihood of delays en route. When all the train schedules are messed up, it's not unusual for a train to have to wait for 10 minutes outside the station for a platform to be free.

DP wasn't going to wait around for hours so he could poised to jump in the car the second OP stepped off the train.

He got on with his usual activities, eg hoovering the car. He got the call, finished a five minute job and then went to collect her. Seems entirely reasonable to me.

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 26/07/2019 09:07

I disagree with almost everyone too. She told him to be there a bit earlier, which suggests he is habitually late. From his POV he was actually more like 15 mins late. He stopped on the way there to hoover the car, which could have waited. I wouldn't let it ruin my weekend but I'd definitely be a bit cheesed off.

siring1 · 26/07/2019 09:16

She 'told' him to.be there.

If my DH 'told' me to there I wouldn't turn up at all.

If a man said this MN would explode with accusations of coercive control.

proudestofmums · 26/07/2019 09:29

What saddens me is the posters describing OP’s DH picking her up as a favour. Personally I wouldn’t describe anything DH and I do for each other as a favour - which to me at least implies an action above and beyond normal social interaction. DH brought me coffee in bed this morning - it wasn’t a favour just an expression of love. And I used to pick,him up from the station every day for 25 years (and drop him in the morning) - I never saw that as doing him a favour, exactly. Picking up a neighbour from the station would be a favour. I don’t know if I’m expressing this well because, you know, it’s hot!

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 26/07/2019 09:34

If you live 3 mn drive from the station, it would make more sense to call when you are in the last train to ask for a lift, and call again when you are reaching the station to ask to come and pick you up now.

A more reasonable request would bring a more reasonable reply...

Jizzle · 26/07/2019 09:37

You've got a screw loose OP

justasking111 · 26/07/2019 09:43

If my DH TOLD me anything he would be walking.

omione · 26/07/2019 09:43

What did your last slave die of ? Your DH needs to grow a pair

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 26/07/2019 09:46

Grow up .

AnneKipanki · 26/07/2019 09:50

I get where you are coming from @Chickpea99.

Not read the whole thread but my husband is ALWAYS late . If I am late...it is not nice.

00100001 · 26/07/2019 09:54

@BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour "He stopped on the way there to hoover the car, which could have waited."

But the only reason he stopped to hoover was because he thought OP would be angry with him for the messy car...

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 26/07/2019 10:02

I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

You’re planning to be mad at him all weekend and punish him for it? That’s abusive behaviour right there. I get that you were fed up and has had a bad day but you’re way out of order.

DecomposingComposers · 26/07/2019 10:08

He stopped on the way there to hoover the car,

Where does it say that? Maybe he was already hoovering the car when he received the summons request.

Abhann · 26/07/2019 10:09

Fucking hell how many cans of I'm dramatic did you drink today?

AryaStarkWolf · 26/07/2019 10:10

So you told him to come a few minutes earlier so he could sit around waiting for you but you don't like it when it's the other way round, interesting

poppet31 · 26/07/2019 10:12

I've not read the whole thread but I think you are being incredibly entitled. If you live a 3 minute drive from station then you are close enough to walk home and should be grateful for the lift. To let this ruin your whole weekend is just ridiculous.

tisonlymeagain · 26/07/2019 10:15

If you live 3 mins drive from the station what on earth are you doing being picked up?! Walk!

llangennith · 26/07/2019 10:20

@tisonlymeagain
Oh do RTFT 🙄 op has already said she had a rucksack and other luggage.

Nautiloid · 26/07/2019 10:24

Sorry, YABVU.

tisonlymeagain · 26/07/2019 10:26

@llangennith I did read, thank you. But a rucksack and one other bag does not incapacitate your legs.

If you don't want to walk and you're expecting a lift, then be grateful that someone comes to help you at all.

SlothMama · 26/07/2019 10:33

OP You need to calm down, if my partner spoke to me the way you did and got the hump when I was late he'd be walking home. Which you say is a 3 minute drive away so I wouldn't feel guilty at all about forcing him to walk.

I get that it's hot but lighten up.

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