To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

Used to work on the customer service line of a well-known luxury department store. 2 immortal complaints:

'(Crying) have purchased 3 gowns and they all have at least one crease in them. I shall need a steamer and steam operator taxi-d to my home immediately.'

'There are too many Arabs in Cartier'

One more from the same hotel: we had a large extended family staying for a week, more than 20 people of all ages taking up half a floor. On the night before check out the father of the family came down to settle the bill to make check out quicker. When the room bills were printed one of the rooms had a significant amount on it for pay-per-view movies. When they looked into it they found that someone was watching porn every morning from 5am. The room had two boys staying in it, 12 & 14 years old (not allowed normally, but they just all swapped around after check in).
The father was furious and said that our system is wrong. The boys were called and of course said they didn't watch any movies. The other family members started coming up, all swearing that the kids are practically angels and would never do such a thing. Eventually the whole family collected in the lobby, all shouting and shaming the hotel in general and the manager in particular for daring to suggest such a horrible thing. The manager was amazing - didn't even flinch when the father was shouting in his face, beetroot red : "THESE ARE CHILDREN! THEY CANNOT WATCH SEX MOVIE!!!!"
When he stopped to take a breath the manager offered to half the bill. The father accepted.

Oh and also I'd sent a followup email to a customer complaint, and they doctored it (badly) to read things like 'I am not sorry at all to hear of your experience', 'please don't contact me again as I won't help' and 'Worst Regards' then forwarded it to my manager. That one went down in history!

@wheresthewine36

Ha! I knew it!

Ha! KNEW it would be Lulu.

Just a trivial example-
I was chatting to a Halford's employee recently, where they sell cans of spray paint. Every week or so, a customer will ask if they have "Ford black", or "Renault black" paint, or something like that. Some take convincing that "Black" is "Black".

Had a client who swore blind she had never ever been in trouble with the police before. never ever. Never ever ever ever.

Failed to recall the 3 separate convictions and resulting prison sentences. When challenged on this, protested that those had been 'too far back' for her to even remember them.

had gotten out of jail for the most recent conviction 6 weerks earlier.

I work in higher Education. We once received a job application for a Head of Department in Biblical Studies from someone listing their application name as God. They' d gone into great detail about their achievements including creating the world in 7 days. Referees listed as angel gabriel and the devil. We kept a copy it in a drawer for years it was that funny. Needless to say he didn't get an interview..

Some take convincing that "Black" is "Black".

But it isn’t. I’m sure everyone here has put on a black top and black trousers to find that they are different.

@wheresthewine36

I knew it too. Saw a picture of her last week and she looked like a slightly melted waxwork. She always comes across as very 'don't you know who I am'.

@OnlyaMan

Go to Halfords and look at their spray paint collection

There is clearly marked Ford black and saab yellow

I worked in a benefit office.......where do I start.....

Midwife here. Man phones up delivery suite in April to let us know that his wife is 3 weeks pregnant and could we tell him when our Christmas party was so that he could arrange for the baby to be born on another day.

I used to work for a company that carried out repossessions on behalf of banks and building societies.. one was particularly memorable. The owner over a period of time following us taking possession of his home:
-Faked heart attacks at the house and a at the estate agent selling the home on multiple occasions
-Wired up his gates so that they were electric

• camped out in his own garden and would jump out of bushes and terrorise viewers
• bought a goat and put it on his land in the middle of the foot and mouth outbreak
• superglued all the locks and windows shut daily
• accused me personally of going to his house and stealing a full salmon and a mink coat ( I live and work at the other end of the country - no where near his house)

The list goes on... Absolute nutter but I grew quite fond of him 😂

Worked for an electrical equipment company. I worked on the helpdesk for some of the products.

Lovely old lady phones me on wednesday asking how she could record off off the radio onto tape so I explained it.

She then asked me if I knew the station for radio 4 (I was 16) cause she wanted to record a classical violin show, I didn't know but said I would stay on the line to try and help. All she kept finding was a piano piece... after 30 mins she asked me what day it was, I told her wednesday... she chuckled and said then thing she wanted was on Thursday.... bless her.

Had a guy turn up with a de commissioned shot gun in reception cause he wasnt happy with a service he was getting.

Onlyaman...black is not black when it comes to spray paint for cars! I've been with DP in Halfords many a time when he's asked for 'Ford Blue' for example. Then to be told 'No, we don't have Ford Blue but we do have Vauxhall Blue'.

Not one employee has realised that different brands make different shades of the same colour.

It doesn't surprise me though, there is far too much information to remember if you work in such a store!

Not another poo one but I just remembered that a few weeks ago I went to someone's door (I'm a postie) and a woman answered holding a baby OWL! This is a house in the middle of a housing estate. I was just like erm ok then.

I ordered a sandwich in a cafe. After eating half, I picked the other half up to see the underneath full of mould! When I took it to the till the lady, and subsequently her manager told me I was only getting half the price of the sandwich back as I had happily eaten the first half! Ended up on social media and was harassed massively for it!

Years ago I worked in a sexshop ( Ann Summers style ) and a very scruffy man came in to return a used vibrator (boxed but clearly used and put back) .
I explained nicely that I couldn’t refund the item due to health and hygiene.
He screamed and shouted at me and then threw the boxed ( thank fuck ) vibrator at my face which smacked me full on the eye .
He stormed out and I had to call the police , the police officer turned up and it was an old school friend . I had to explain I’d been assaulted with a sex toy . She just about kept a straight face .
He was later arrested as apparently he had form so things like that , and barred from the shop .

I was working a part time job whilst at university, and we received a bomb threat. Being on customer services I had to announce ‘this is a customer announcement, please can you leave you items where they are and evacuate immediately, as we have received a bomb threat’

I expected ‘agghhhhhhh’ and running for the exits. Instead I got ‘well can I just pay for these 10 items?’ Off approx 15 customers. I was not professional because I replied ‘you can do what you want with them, but I’m going’. Thankfully it was a hoax.

I was working in a pub, man at the bar having a drink is complaining that the traffic wardens are victimising him as they are actually waiting for him to park on double yellow lines and when they see him do that they give him s ticket, the other day he parked on the zebra crossing and they gave him a ticket. This chap has had enough so he went to the council to complain about this victimisation & they refuse point blank to stop it.....

When I was younger, we went to a restaurant to celebrate my grandad’s birthday. For dessert I had some sort of peach melba/creamy dessert. I took a few spoonfuls and declared that I wasn’t going to finish it as the cream tasted off. When the waitress came over to collect the dishes, she asked if we enjoyed our food. My dad mentioned that I thought the cream was off on my peach melba. With that she picked up a spoon and took several mouthfuls of my half eaten dessert. She then proclaimed I was being fussy and there was nothing wrong with it!!

This didn't happen to me, but friend of DD's worked in an upmarket department store. They had a male customer who came in and asked to use the women's changing rooms to try on an expensive silk dress. Staff said fine as it was individual cubicles etc (this was about 8 years ago). Later found that this person had w**d on the dress. They were banned from the store.

Also loads of incidents of customers trying to walk out carrying a designer bag or sunglasses, complete with security tag. If they were challenged they would say they were just trying and forgot.

I work with young people some of whom are on the wrong side of the law. I had one young man tell me all about his foolproof method of shoplifting from the local convenience store. In order to make friends at his new college he taught several of his tutor group this brilliant method. A couple of weeks later he complained that the security guards at the shop were unfairly following him and his mates when they entered the store.

Another young man was outlining his plans to make a load of money by hotwiring and stealing motorbikes. He earnestly told me that the only drawbacks were that he didn’t know how to hotwire a motorbike, he didn’t know how to ride a motorbike and he didn’t know anyone who would buy a stolen motorbike. Apart from these minor flaws it was money in the bank.
I pointed out that another flaw was that he could well end up back in prison if he got caught stealing motorbikes. He looked at me with immense scorn and told me ‘I ain’t no stupid criminal. I don’t steal bikes from 5 minutes away, I steal bikes from 10 minutes away because I is a smart criminal.’