To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

I booked a cleaner .... spoke to the agency owner and specifically asked would an oven clean be separate and cost extra or part of the general cost and incorporated into the clean . She said it would be part of it

So I booked.... cleaner came and we spoke, agreed she would do the kitchen and oven first then when done see how long was left and discuss what was the next priority.
She was 2.5 hrs in the kitchen so half the time. I had shown her the oven cleaning products etc. I heard her opening and closing it.
My baby then fell asleep on me so when she asked what to do in the remaining time I asked for the bathroom to be cleaned and upstairs hoovered and a set of bedding changed.

Baby stayed asleep and she case down at the end I had left the cash on the side and she said she didn’t have time to do all of upstairs i said ok well next time we can start up there it’s fine.
30 mins later baby woke and I checked what she had done
She HADNT cleaned the oven !!!!!!
I immediately contacted the agency owner she said she would call me back she then messaged me to tell me it had been impossible as my house was too dirty (it’s not!). I said even if it was I booked an oven clean ! I was then told no all clients understand it’s separate and extra cost ....and that if I bothered to clean my own house regularly I wouldn’t have had this problem and she then blocked me 🤣

I could see it that I’d lost £50 or saved hundreds as I’d booked 5 hours a week for 7 weeks ! Awful service though

I used to work answering phones at a water company. I have lots of stories to tell.

• A man called me querying his water bill and asking specifically what the sewerage charge was for. I explained it was for taking waste away from the home when he flushes his toilet. He asked for me to remove this charge from his account as he would be shitting in a carrier bag and burying it in his garden from now on

• I worked briefly on looking into cases where a neighbour had reported another one for their water use (e.g. where someone had a swimming pool but no water meter). I received a letter from someone saying their neighbour drank too much water with several photographs taken of this perfectly normal looking family drinking water in the garden

• One day I had to leave work through the backdoor because a customer that I'd been helping for a while on a specific issue turned up at work with a bouquet of flowers, and a huge teddy bear and got quite aggressive when he was asked to leave. Same man sent me an envelope full of pubes a couple of weeks later.

That's all in addition to the many, many threatening and sexual phone calls I received.

Worked at a vets. Lady phoned up wanting a quote for an x-ray. No size of animal, no sedation or anaesthetic please, just an x-ray. Why? She wanted to xray a chicken bone inside a melon.
She didn't book it in the end.

2 and a half hours cleaning a kitchen is extreme. It must have been sparkling! (Except the oven of course.)

It wasn’t !!!!!! I walked in and thought ‘shit I’ve been conned’
Can only assume it was opportunist as the baby had been crying then fell asleep for hours that she saw the opportunity she sounded like she was cleaning though and as she left baby was still asleep so I didn’t think to go and inspect her work I just said thanks
The bathroom wasn’t sparkling either ! It was awful
As soon as o sent a screenshot of the message confirming exactly what I’d asked for I just got a load of abuse I mean why would a cleaning agency owner tell people to clean their own houses !!!

Went to an all you eat buffet at a Chinese restaurant

Got something with chicken in it. Can’t remember what now it was a while ago

Bit into it and it was pink.

Complained to the manager who immediately became aggressive stating that the chicken was cooked!

Kept showing him it was pink, but he adamant it was cooked.

We then got up to leave despite not really eating anything and asked for a refund.

He refused that too as “there were other things you can eat! No refund”

Yeah...we wasn’t going to risk it

We just ended up leaving in the end

Funnily enough, they closed down not long after that

Oh my word!

I can't believe the guy who said he'll be shitting in a carrier bag from now on

@DirtyDennis 🤣 - you should write a book!

I worked in a pension company where my colleague took this call.

A family called to report the death of their mother and wanted to stop her (Not state) pension. Colleague said OK and asked for details, was given details of the previously deceased husband as she had a widows pension. Turns out that she didn't have a widows pension, the husband died in the 80's (2010 when I overhead this call) and she had just continued receiving and cashing his cheques as she had power of attorney (also hadn't informed bank of husbands death)! She had been overpaid many tens of thousands of pounds as it was quite a good pension.

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit The thing is he didn't say it an arsey way and he didn't swear. The most WTF part of it was how calm and rational he was about it. I can't remember exactly what he said but something like 'Thank you for clarifying. Can I get the charge removed from my account as I will start doing my business in a bag and burying it in my garden instead of requiring you to provide a sewerage service'.

Weird.

I suspect outing but who cares, I had one of those 'microsoft' phone calls, you know, the one where they phone you up and tell you you've been hacked or something, anyway the guy caught me on a really bad day, so after a couple of seconds I just shouted 'oh do piss off' and put the phone down. About 5 mins later the phone rang and although it was a withheld number (as is my docs and the local hospital) I politely answered 'hello' only to have a voice say 'don't tell me to piss off you bitch'. Obviously his day was going as well as mine

Stage two complaint response from Local Authority quotes a letter from CAMHS. I asked CAMHS for the letter that Local Authority is quoting from. CAMHS send all letters between them and CAMHS, the quote doesn't exist. Raised this with Local Authority and receive a very obviously doctored letter with the quote tagged on the bottom of a letter I have. Hope LGO are as unimpressed as I am by this.

@GummyGoddess What happened? Did the family have to pay it back?

Temping in the accounts opening department of a bank, entering information off the application forms into a database. We had to be on the look out for evidence of money laundering, as they were business accounts. One helpful applicant had written "MONEY LAUNDERING" in the "Purpose of this account" box

I think they had to pay about £20k back, not even half of it! It was a minewokers pension and they were pretty good, though that does give away where I worked at the time.

I am pretty sure the company didn't ask for it all back because there was no way the estate would cover it all. They would have worked out the difference between the overpayment and what she was actually entitled to I assume. That's what I would have done if it had been my case anyway.

progestermoan We had a cleaner and my OH, who works from home, would usually disappear when she turned up and come back when she had finished. One day he left and then remembered about half an hour later that he had to go back for something. He said when he walked in the music was blaring and she was sitting at the breakfast bar eating a Ginsters pasty. It just m,ade me laugh so much, I still smile when I think of him walking in on her and her Ginsters! (grin)

Some of these are hilarious. 'Money laundering'

@DirtyDennis, it probably made perfect sense to him At least he was polite.

Ordered a kabab and when it came the pitta was mouldy, rang very for a refund to be told ‘it’s only the pitta’ eat the rest you’re not having a refund for that’. He returned with my money minutes later after I told him I was going to ring the food safety agency if he didn’t.

I once had a customer call in in August to say his gas fire wasnt working. It was a company that has gas engineers to fix appliances and he paid us to maintain and fix the fire.

It was 12.10 and I had an engineer that could get to him in 20mins as it was quiet that day. It was 22c outside and started screaming hr would freeze to death. I asked if he had heating, he did but still was going to freeze a he was going to sue me when he froze to death.

Another customer wanted to know my office address because he was having me arrested as we had been to fix his boiler but it wasnt working. I could find the job on the system. He screamed for 20 minutes until his wife came in. There screamed at eachother for a bit, then she cane I and said it was the council not us that came out.

Another customer called from work to say she could smell gas in her house the last few days. I advised (as we are legally obliged) that a workman would have to attend with transco and if she wasnt in, there would have to turn the gas off for the street, if they felt there was a danger to property or neighbours lives.

She screamed at me too, apparantly I was being dramatic. We went out.The gas leak was horrendous and was infact a danger to her, her kids and possibly the neightbours had it had been ignited.

This happened to a friend of mine.....

A lady up the road is known for living in filth and neglecting her child.
Lets call the child B....B knocks on his friends door and says he is hungry,had no food that day and didnt know where his mam is.

My my friends daughter T says she will go back to his house with him and see if she can find something to cook....which she does.

B's mother knocks on friends door next day and asks if her daughter had been in her housing cooking.....my friend replied yes thinking she was going to get a thank you......no the mother came to complain that T hadnt washed the pots when she had finished.

Also do has a habit. When he orders a burger he always takes the top off and rearranged the burger toppings. Once at mcdonalds you could see someone had taken a but of of the burger. Like a proper bite teeth Mark's and all

I took it back and a teenage boy was blushing and denying it. I showed him and he kept saying 'no never happened'. Thats all he kept saying 'no, never happened' Then manager came over apologised gave me a refund and replaced it. As I walked off the manager said to the boy 'that's it, I told you last time. This isnt on and it's not funny. Go get changed'.

Never went back to that mcdonalds. Who the fuck knows a member of staff is eating food before serving it and gives more than one chance!

I'll sue you when I'm dead!

Many years ago I worked for Currys/PC World.

A man once rang up and demanded to speak to a manager because he wanted a biryani and was "disgusted" that we were called Currys but only sold white goods.

We put him on speakerphone 🤭

I once had a man swear at me because I wouldn't let him in a restaurant. The restaurant was flooded at the time, who would want to sit with their feet in 2 inches of water?