To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

He definitely deserved that then the sleezy bastard

@cleanasawhistle that’s so sad. I hope your friend reported it all to ss?

Sadly not. It was a ladies clothing store in Canada during a gap year. It would seem that having a shite in a changing cubicle and wiping one's arse upon merchandise is much more common place (and International) than I had thought!

I was once unlocking my bicycle outside a row of tiny chic shops in a generally regarded to be nice area of London when a fairly old man ambled over and warned me to be careful of saddle sniffers before tootling off on his way.

I worked at Edinburgh Woollen Mill in Edinburgh, as a student. A customer wanted to buy woollen jumpers for this kids, but he wanted them to match. They were pure wool of the cream/sheepy coloured sort and obviously had natural variations. He insisted we had a quality control problem, and could not be made to understand that this was a natural product with natural variations...

Eventually, exasperated, I told him that the reason each jumper was slightly different was because each jumper came from a different sheep, he nodded thoughtfully, and accepted that!

For a wedding, there was a no children policy but the contact details of various vetted nannies who could look after the child in the hotel, were provided.

Just as the groom was doing the interview with the Registrar, about to go into the ceremony, a guest who had brought his child and arranged a nanny, phoned the groom on his mobile, and insisted that he act as a go between with the nanny (who the groom had never met)!

Boiler packed up, pissing water everywhere. Eventually, the three separate stories about repairs, spares and more ridiculous excuses coalesced into 'we're fitting a new one'. But the person who told me that first said I shouldn't say anything because she'd get into trouble for telling and I was supposed to wait in for the two repair appointments that had already been wiped off their end of the system because there was going to be an installation instead.

Got it installed. Brilliant. They hardwired a second CO detector into the kitchen, as whole six inches nearer than the last (which is still connected). Twenty minutes after they left, it started beeping. I checked the instructions and the beeps were the ones that said the backup battery wasn't charged and to switch it on required a tiny switch to be flicked. Unfortunately, the tiny switch was on the side of the permanent live feed, so I wasn't about to start screwing around with it.

I phoned the company and explained it wasn't charging. Who phoned Transco because the alarm was going off to say it needed switching on to charge.

Transco disconnected everything. No heat, no hot water, no hob - in six inches of snow. Because there was nothing wrong with the boiler but they had to, because they'd been called for a CO alert.

Four days later, the original company decided to turn up. They sent a plumber. Not a gas fitter who could switch the gas back on. The alarm is still fucking beeping every 27 minutes day and night.

I eventually got back to the first woman who had said she wasn't allowed to tell me that I didn't need to take 2 days off work because they weren't coming. I carefully and politely explained that I needed somebody to come and switch the CO alarm charging circuit on and could I please have some heating now.

The boss of the company turned up and started telling me that I had to listen to the professionals because gas was very dangerous and Transco were on their way.

I flipped, informed the bloke of my fairly extensive technical qualifications, repeated that he just needed to switch the wretched charging circuit on and give me my gas supply back.

He sent somebody else. A gas fitter. Great. He wasn't allowed to switch the charging circuit on because he was a gas fitter. And couldn't put the gas on because the alarm was bleeping.

Eventually, the sparks came in. And explained to poor, stupid, vagina-owning me that all they'd needed to do was flick a tiny switch on the underside and I was making a fuss about nothing. And now he'd need to contact them to get the gas turned on because my being Such a Silly Woman meant I had panicked and got it cut off when it was only the battery charging alert.

I have never experienced quite that level of patronisation anywhere before - all workmen have been fine previously - but I was ready to screech down the phone like a woman possessed by that point.

I’ve had to name change.

A woman rung my school, from her car, to complain the lollipop man was holding up traffic again. He did it all the time apparently and made her late. She was raging. (He really was pretty reasonable managing the flow of children, but he did often stop cars with a lollipop...). She swore this complaint was going the whole way.

I go the Deputy Headteacher who dealt with it on speakerphone while trying not to laugh. She very seriously then called him in after his shift to ask him if he’d been holding up the traffic, his face until he realised she found it funny was a picture.

She called again a few weeks later to complain he’d helped across an imaginary child as she approached, he’d apparently chatted and waved at the invisible child and asked her to mind her language in front of the child. Apparently he was also waving at her each morning ‘really cheerfully’. It was war for a while!

She called again a few weeks later to complain he’d helped across an imaginary child as she approached, he’d apparently chatted and waved at the invisible child and asked her to mind her language in front of the child. Apparently he was also waving at her each morning ‘really cheerfully’. It was war for a while!

That's what I would do. I would get enjoyment out of that.

Once worked in a clothing shop. Elderly Lady of crutches goes into changing room. Awful smell. She leaves shops clothes on the floor in a pile. Pick them up and she's wiped her arse on them! But no sign on a turd. Our manager sends us all on a game of hunt the turd. Eventually it was found rolled up in a t shirt shoved at the back of a shelf.

I heard from my sister who was shopping with another family member that they had been heading for the supermarket toilet when a poo fell out of other FM trousers. He apparently kicked it under the shelves and carried on shopping!!

I am a doctor - once had an older homeless guy come in “feeling sick”. He told me he had been sitting on a bench in the park and 4 young guys had come up to him and shoved a dog shit in his face and it had gone in his teeth and mouth. He had managed to get a glass of water from a pub, but we gave him a toothbrush and some antacids - I have seen some terrible things in my time but that one made me really sad at what people think is funny.

A few years ago a sickness bug of epic proportions was going round dcs school. One class only had 6 of the 30 in school, and the school was closed for deep cleaning. Both DH and I had it, all 3 DC and my mil who lives with us. It was a week of constant vomit. I came downstairs on one of peak vom days, to find Sil sat in the sofa. She was pissed off we were all spending so much time with mil without her, she didn't want to be left out. Never mind mil was at home with her head in the loo. Sil promptly caught it too.

I used to do volunteer tutoring for primary kids. I'd been assigned a new kid and went with the project coordinator to meet him and his mum. Turned up at his flat and they weren't there. A group of kids were outside. Turned out they were kids cousins and they said that all the family were at another flat down the road.

We went to the other flat and mum and wee boy were there, as were about 40 other relatives. Not an exaggeration - could have been more! The Mum was very apologetic and took us into the living room. When we were talking about a start date for the tutoring she said that it might need to be delayed as her dad was very ill and she'd need to accompany his body back to his home country when he died. She kept nipping in and out and when we got the chance to ask her how her dad was and, as nicely as possible, how long he had left (so we could plan the tutoring) she said 'any minute now'. Then, as if perfectly timed, the whole house erupted in a mass wailing. The mum rushed out the room. Someone else came in and told us the dad had died. We started to make our excuses to let them leave to go to the hospital to pay their respects etc. Turned out he was in the next room and had died while we were there. We made a hasty exit.

One day I was passing a field where horses are kept. I noticed a young horse has somehow managed to get out of the field and was trapped between the fence and some trees. As it was quite close to a main road I decided to call 101. I did so and the operator said they would send someone out.
I waited and shortly afterwards a police officer arrived. The conversation went:

Where's the chicken?

Eh, what chicken?

We had a report of a chicken in the road

No, it's a horse

Not a chicken

No a horse

Oh, did you specify a horse to the call handler

Yes I did

Are you sure?

Yes I'm sure

Maybe you said foal and the operator thought you said fowl

No I definitely said it was a horse

Are you sure?

Of course I'm bloody sure

Well I suppose I'd better call the fire brigade I thought I was dealing with a chicken I don't like horses.

At that point I left him to it.

I used to work in Ravel. One day a man comes in, walks the length of the store and asks us at the till 'is this Radio Rentals?'
For those not old enough to know either shop, Ravel was a shoe shop. The walls either side were covered in shoes! Radio Rentals was the Brighthouse of its day

🤣This reminded me of the time when I worked in a pharmacy and someone came in and asked where we kept the bags of cement!

.

I lived on a house where all the front was paved for parking. Our gate was a big farmhouse one.

I hear what sounded like horses running through the house. Ran to the front door opened it and there were 2 horses, someone shut the gate on them, locking them in, right next to my brand new car I had picked up 2 days before. Whoever did had fucked off.

I called 101 as I am half a mile from the local police stables. The police turned up. First one was a bit arsey and assumed they were mine, as there had been a report of them on the road. I pointed out they were my horses and I had no idea where they had come from. But the conversation was similar to pp

"Are you sure they arent your horses?'

"No, they arent mine"

"Do you own horses?"

"No"

"Are you sure they arent yours?"

"For the last time, they arent mine. Are you gonna help get them away from my car or just carry on the same converstation?"

Then out of 8 of them that turned up non of them dare approach the biggest one to put a head collar on. I grew up with horses, so 6 longs pregnant told them all to move and I put the head collar on. We found where the horses were from and I had to walk the big one, with my 6 year old, while the bravest of the officers walked the pony. Was ridiculous!

I've probably said this one before but :

Many years ago, I was doing some agency NHS work . I got to the Health Centre and saw the whole street in darkness with alarms activated .

Clinic Manager found out a cable had been cut and we had no electrics for the foreseeable . She asked me to sit on the Reception to explain and send people away ( and like a mug , I agreed ).
One man comes in and I explain situation 'power outage , no phones, no electrics, can he phone back later'
"Why can't you phone me"
'No phone-line going out but can take incoming'
"How do you know its a power cut"
(What does the lack of power in the whole street not give a tiny clue?)
'Clinic manager phoned the Electricity Board ..on her mobile'
"Well we can't she phone me" ?
It was her own mobile back in the day when very few people had them She would've been charged ££ for calls ..

No-one said "Oh poor you lot , in the dark, in Winter , no tea or coffee "

Then two women come in.. "Aren't you doing the clinic today"
'There's no light, no raising chair , no steriliser , no sterile instruments....so no

"Well can't you work here "? she asked indicating waiting room ..."Its light enough" (It wasn't and its an open waiting room not a clinic)

Erm , given the no light/no chair/no steriliser then I going for "No"

Okay, just a few from our revered Council:

Mayor was "retired" 7 months into his term, after being caught out in housing fraud. 5 years later they made him mayor again, obviously hoping folk would have forgotten

The maintenance department have a major backhander situation with outside contractors, which is no doubt how they came to pay £12,000 for an internal community centre door - and the door wouldn't open once fitted

They also insisted we couldn't change our own lightb bulbs; again the contractor had to do it. So when we ordered several 100w bulbs, explaining we needed BC fittings, we were surprised when they sent a gardener instead. 100 watt tulips, anyone?

Social Services Director for Children Looked After tried to appoint a full time PA. Only there was practically no work - she only wanted a full timer because "every other Director has one"

Council are paying "partner" charity £200,000 pa to oversee running of new Community Managed Libraries. Only 15 months later they're not being community managed because they've not sorted out GDPR requirements

Council commissioned local sculptor to create a sandstone figure of a local "mascot" at a cost of £125,000. Only someone wrote "sand" instead of "sandstone" on the job spec, so the finished figure lasted about as long as a sandcastle on the beach

The new Council swimming pool was opened among much fanfare, especially as it was of "Olympic standard specs". Perhaps the bare hole would have been big enough, but they fogot to allow for the thickness of the tiling, so it's never been used as intended

Needless to say, they're another Council who whine constantly about the "savage cuts" and how they don't have any "resources" ...

@sundaylast

You win the retail poo story!
My crapping lady also had the audacity the next day to return a t shirt that she had panic bought the day before in order to appear as a normal customer!

There was a time before our evening netball game, the teams and the umpires were sitting around chatting, as you do. A nearby tennis player approached, racket in hand, and said in a stage whisper: "could you be quiet please? You're disturbing our game," and walked off. There was a stunned silence, and the umpire said "I don't know what she's going to do when I start blowing the whistle, and you all start shouting". This was in a public park, with lots of tennis and netball courts, and all the noises that go on in a park on a warm evening. I've heard of Wimbledon tennis players being told to tone down the grunting, but still...

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit I'm pretty sure DH used to work for the man in the phone in your OP.

I thought DH was exaggerating the crazy nonsense until I met him. There is much more crazy in his life, as you can imagine, and DH is very happy he doesn't work for him anymore

These are brilliant

Mine isnt work related but about 11 years ago I was with a guy who I adored but he treat me like shit and the young, foolish me accepted it over and over. He had left me again so he could go off shagging and doing his thing when i had began going out with my mates to cheer myself up. I met a DJ on a night out who was lovely we had an instant connection. We texted for about two weeks before he told me he was going skiing with his family in boverets. Weirdly, my ex was going skiing there with his squaddie mates. They didnt know each other or of eachother and I didnt think anything else of it, until... the new guy uploaded a photo to fb of him and some family members playing poker with my ex and his mates in this ski lodge thing. I messaged him to tell him that the guy in the photo was my on/off boyfriend and he was so shocked. That night they went out drinking and new guy told my ex that he knew me and had being getting to know me over the last few weeks. Ex was giving it big licks and told new guy to shag me if he ever got the chance cos i was good in bed but a total nightmare as a gf. However, ex must have sobered up the next day when he realised what he said, meanwhile new guy has realised ex is a potential threat. They came back on the same flight, took separate cars from the airport. Ex arrived at mine with wine and very apologetic only for new guy to knock on my door 10 minutes later with wine. I could not fucking believe it. Definitely the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. It's so far fetched but totally true.

Christmas time at a retail store - everything from furniture, toys and homeware.

Customers can be a tad overdramtic with "you've ruined Christmas!" at the best of times. The ones that come to mind though...

I "ruined" Christmas because I couldn't supply a replacement branch for a year old christmas tree.

Another had ordered a table and chair set, cutting it fine for Christmas anyway....The chairs arrived with a different carrier before the table, and the customer refused delivery. The table then arrived without the chairs, and customer was enraged we were struggling to get the chairs back out in time for the day...I don't think we managed it and they complained for months.

Received an emailed regarding a store complaint. I dealt with online purchases so fortunately got to forward it on. I expect the store was very busy and all the store staff were a little stressed. Not excusing the rudeness...long story short, the customer had apparently asked a staff member - dressed as an elf and sorting a christmas tree - a question. Was met with a fairly rude response of "we're quite busy ya'know"

This allegedly TRAMATISED the chrildren in tow, so much they hate christmas. Customer wanted a written apology, a £100 gift card, and to know what was to be done about the elf...