To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

This is my son's story, not mine, but I think it deserves a wider audience. At the time he was working in a ten pin bowling centre.

(It’s been an uneventful day at work…that is, until a young lady comes in asking if she can make a request.)

Customer: “It’s coming up to my father’s birthday, and he never knows what to do.”

Me: “Okay, so what can I help you with?”

Customer: “So, I’m going around various attractions and places we could have a day out. I’m having my photo taken at each one to turn into a big poster so he has an idea of where we can go.”

(I nod while she’s explaining this, as it sounds very reasonable.)

Customer: “So, would you be able to take a photo of me pretending to bowl?”

Me: “Yeah, sure! We’re not too busy, so I can do that for you.”

Customer: “Great. Now, one more thing…”

Me: “Sure, fire away.”

Customer: “Can I do it dressed in a tiger costume?”

Me: laughing “Sure, go ahead!”

(She wasn’t pulling my leg: I took the picture of her dressed as a tiger, leaving me smiling for the rest of the night.)

My DD used to work as a customer advisor in a bank in a very rough area of London. One day the elderly woman who ran the local pie and mash shop came in and my DD sorted out a long and very complicated problem with her account. Mrs X got up to leave, but before she did she leaned over and whispered to my DD, "you're a very nice girl, and youve been very helpful to me darling. So if you ever get any aggravation from anyone just let me know and I'll get it sorted for you." My daughter was a bit ??? But laughingly mentioned it to her manager who calmly said, "She means it too, she's related to half the bad guys north of the Thames."

@Hidingwhoiam YAVU for posting that story. I want a Domino's now

Ive worked in travel my entire working life so have come across some pretty odd people...but my favourite was a woman kicking off after receiving her confirmation that her outbound flight was only 7 hours but the return was 13 hours. She was raging and wanted to know why on earth we would book her on a flight home that clearly goes 'the long way round' when her friend has flown this route before with another airline and it took the same amount of time as the outbound. After about 20 minutes she finally understood time zone differences and that her flight times were 'local time' taking into account the time difference.

@DirtyDennis I always want dominos.

My mother used to* go into Asda, pick up The Times newspaper and ask customer services to photocopy the crossword- which they always did. Then she’d put the paper back and shop somewhere else

(*16 years she’s been gone, seems like only yesterday)

The man who phoned our shop asking how big the 4x6 photo frames were in comparison to his hand stands out...he was really quite angry when I couldn't help him visualise it! I'm sure at one point I even said "I can tell you how it compares against MY hand but your hand isn't here so I don't know how big it is!"

@Tennesseewhiskey - I thought you were going to end on '.. turned out Susan had a full-on meth lab in the stationery cupboard..'

Parent comes into school on INSET day with DC, in high dudgeon because they hadn’t been told (school calendar since beginning of year, newsletter reminders, verbal reminder from teacher day before etc). Gets cross that the office staff won’t look after her DC for the day.

Charley50 to be honest that would make more sense.

Cut out of kids feet for measuring! That's genius.

I was teaching a Year 1 class, as a supply teacher.
Neat the end of the school day, the secretary came in, looking slightly embarrassed. One of the mums had called in to let us know that she had just managed to get the younger sibling off to sleep, and didn't want to disturb him by transferring him to his pushchair, so could I drop his brother off home?
As I said, I wasn't even the class teacher, but a supply that the mum had never met.
To be honest, part of my astonishment was that the secretary even bothered to try passing on the request.

I've told this story before.

My DS had a birthday party at lazerquest.
All his cousins and home pals plus four school pals.
I worked FT so never did school run and didn't know school pals.
My sil was in attendance with her perfect parenting just waiting for me to fuck up.
18.55 and it was going like clockwork. Everyone was happy and in attendance, except one school pal James.
I was feeling pretty smug, it was going great. The kids all put their guns and vests on and lined up, I decided to nip out for a fag.
Off I go downstairs to smoke. Stood at the door is a young lad, ah I think and ask him if he's James. He nods.
I grab his hand and excitedly drag him up the stairs, blithering on about the fun he's going to have. Rush him to the outfitter fella and shove him in to catch up with the gang.
I'm ecstatic now, give SIL a cheesy grin on my way out, go for my fag.
There were a group of deaf people at the door, gesturing excitedly, I lit up a way down from them feeling all happy.
After a few minutes a car pulled up, young lad gets out and spots me. Are you DS mum? He asks. I'm James he said.
It fully dawned on me slowly and painfully as I climbed the stairs with Real James, at the lazerquest I just shoved Real James at my best mate and growled at her to get the wrong James out and swap them.
I could hardly stand as I skulked off down the stairs

Another of mine was I was walking though town with my toddler. A very small lovely old lady walked past me and called me a stupid slag. I said 'excuse me?' She looked at me looked at my hands and started apologising profusely. She said 'I thought you were smoking'.

I pointed out that some smoking wasnt really and excuse to swear and at them. She told me she would do what she wanted and only been slapped twice doing it and that was ok.

I was 😱😱😱

Just remembered this one! When I worked in a shop (big chain now but they were just starting) we had 3 levels in the shop and one day all the computers and TVs etc (ALL electrics) blew and started smoking and some caught a light! (Was basically too many things plugged in without one of those defuser things) we rushed everyone out (I was heavily pregnant and the shop was a furniture shop with wood and lacquer everywhere!
One family on the top floor refused to leave saying they had traveled an hour to get there! I said the shop is on fire you either leave now with your two children or the firemen can come find you!
The children and dad cane down with me but the woman carried on looking until one of the TVs blew ! Everyone outside couldn't believe she had stayed in there so long and she got a good telling off by the fireman!

@TheQueef

That's the first one to make me laugh our loud. I just love That you sent your friend to swap wrong James for the right one!

When I worked for a utility company a woman called sounding out if breath and explained that gas meter exploded and started a fire. I advised her, assuming the fire was out, that I needed to transfer her to our metering team. She then said 'but ky husband said to call you because you look after the boiler'. I was in the middle of explaining we didnt look after her boiler, but the boiler couldnt be checked until our meter engineers and the gas mains had been checked when she started screaming that he husband has gone back in.

I asked he to clarify when this happened she said 5 minutes ago and if we didnt go out, how would she put the fire out. So I said 'did you call the fire brigade'and she screamed at me 'no because you cover our boiler my husband said to call you first', I replied that yes we looked after her boiler but she needed the fire service first. She wouldnr have it. Kept insisting we went out.

My manager had to call the fire brigade for her. I dont know if it was panic or what. But she fully expected the gas engineer to put the fire out and sort it out.

@CorBlimeyGovenor

Was it in a then-well-known department store in the North West?

I ordered a pot of tea in a cafe. Waiter brought tea - very nicely presented. China teapot. Nice cup and saucer. I poured that tea after a couple of minutes. Very weak. Tea stone cold. Obviously made with cold water. I nicely pointed out to the waiter that the tea was cold and she gave a small shrug and said “yes sorry about that the water heater is broken”. When I replied “so you knew it was cold when you served it to me” she just shrugged and smiled again. Then she called the manager over and he went out and bought a kettle from the nearby Tesco and came back and made me another pot of tea.

We owned a pub with a separate, knackered, accommodation block. On the day when the bulldozers were outside the window actually knocking down the building a customer repeatedly insisted he wanted to book a room.

We told him he could, in 6 months, when the new block was finished.

He said, No. We need one tonight.

In spite of repeatedly gesturing at the bulldozers he got very angry when we couldn't offer him a room.

I used to work for a local authority and used to deal with complaints.

One guy complained about the fact that the bin men had rolled his wheelie bin back to the boundary of his house and it CRASHED into his garden wall, knocking out 4 bricks and demanded we pay for an entirely new front wall. We declined, citing that a plastic wheelie bin couldn’t possibly cause that amount of damage.

He then refused to allow the bin men onto his property in case they ‘destroyed any more of his house’, chasing them off with a large dog.

We got a complaint that his bins smelled because nobody had collected them and was convinced we were trying to cause a rat problem out of spite.

He then put them on the street on a neighbour’s disabled parking space. We had them removed back to his front boundary at which point yet another brick fell out of his wall

He called four times a week for six months. One day, he told me he was going to come to the council offices and sit in until he got his new wall. I briefed security, he didn’t turn up. Wall saga continues. LGO rejects his complaint.

We received security cam footage from the neighbours with the disabled space showing him knocking bits of his own wall to pieces

He was still calling when I left.

I used to work in a bank in a village and on one occasion the owner of a local motorcycle shop came to pay in his takings. He gave us a load of cash, amongst which were many £20 notes. Hmmm, I thought, looking at them. Some were all right, but there were also quite a lot which looked a bit dodgy. I called our manager out to have a look and they were checked and pronounced duds. The customer wanted them back and was both incredulous and enraged when we told him that we couldn't return them because they were forgeries.

The customer was so angry that we refused to give his forged notes back that he wrote to our head office to complain.

Head office sent us a letter congratulating us for detecting so many forged notes. We framed it and the manager hung it on the wall in his office. They replied to his letter suggesting that he asked the police for his money as that's where we'd sent it

This will put me to anyone that knows me.

I used to have a dog, a stupid but loveable staffy cross, he was useless off the lead so I used to walk him on a really thick retractable line.
No matter how long his lead he'd always be on the end of it and still choking himself.

I walked him near my house down a lane. There were odd pull ins down the wooded lane and no pavements.
Mutt as usual was at the end of what felt like 3 miles of lead when all of a sudden he shot around a corner and the lead started quivering. I was yelling him (he's on a lead because of zero recall! Like he was going to listen!) and I could hear someone shouting.
I ran as fast as I could to be confronted with a guy with his boxers and jeans around his waist, leaning into the back of a mini where a woman was trying to cover her modesty and fend of my dog who thinks this is all a great fucking game.
In the process of this he's wrapped his lead around this guys ankles several times.
I did debate just leaving him and telling them his dinner time was at 3pm.
Instead I had to practically disentangle my dog from this guys ankles whilst trying not to get an eyeful of ass or sausage.
We walked the long way home.

Boxers and jeans around his ankles. Not his waist!

@Ratbagcatbag
That's not really a funny story. If your dog was so out of control then it shouldn't have had that much length. Imagine the dog had got tangled around a child and knocked it out. But even as an adult, I would be pretty fucking angry if some idiot owner let their out of control dog have far too much lead so that it could get out of sight and behave like that.