To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

Just keep it simple "you are joking right? I'll dress my kids as I please. Please do not make an issue where there is, or at least shouldn't be, one. This is ridiculous, not up for discussion and it will happen again if my children decide to wear matching outfits"

If they like to dress the same then why not do it when you are not seeing MIL/nephew.I see where you are coming from .But with 3 children so close in age, having 2 dressed the same marks the other one as "different".This is not really your MIL being awkward ,she is just looking out for her grandchild IMO. A little boy of 4 who is presumably an only child, just wants to blend in with his cousins !.Just say to the boys "we wont dress the same today as" Tom" feels a bit left out if you guys are wearing the same outfits "!

That’s... odd. I suspect she has too much time on her hands. My own mother sometimes comes out with whack statements. It’s usually when she’s trying to stir some shit up for her own entertainment but doesn’t have enough genuine material to build from.

YANBU

Is this how kids grow up thinking they're the centre of the universe, and that the world will always turn itself inside out and in knots to accommodate them?

“nephew feeling left out is part of his development ”
Wow.

Call the SIL and ask. If nephew is feeling left out that is quite sad, but sure your SIL will tell you if there is a problem with it.

Couldn't agree more @mbosnz

nephew feeling left out is part of his development

well, like it or not, he's a cousin, not one of the brothers. Give them all the same everything when they are together by all means, but silly to try to pretend there's no difference

I'd pass the issue over to your DH. Let him deal with his mother or talk to his sibling about the issue.

I'd ask BIL or SIL first. It will probably turn out it was a 'oh, DS got home and said, I want to wear the same top, too!, Ha ha' - and SIL/BIL thought no more about it. If he is GENUINELY very upset, then I would probably say 'the DC are wearing green today, if DN wants to join in' - but I really don't see why DN's wishes trump DS2's wishes.

I live in the middle east and it's very common here to see families with all the boys or girls dressed the same. We also had lunch in a hotel restaurant recently where there was a family (Japanese, I think) who were all wearing blue jeans and identical white t shirts with a dinosaur picture and a Japanese caption. It was sort of cute but mostly cringey.

I don't think it's rude to point out that they pick the clothes themselves.

Fwiw, I took DS8 shopping for holiday clothes. He picked a few bits for himself and DS3 and they had a few matching bits. They both really like it when they wear similar things so I understand yours kids enjoying it and you not wanting to stop them.

I also understand trying to stop yourself saying something rude when your MIL has been so unreasonable!

I do feel bad for him but I don’t particularly like being dictated to. I’ve sent the message to my DH and I’ve told him that if the boys want to dress themselves the same then that’s their choice. I don’t mind if my SIL messages me to find out what the boys are wearing - I’ll tell her. The boys don’t dress the same all the time btw.

Can you check with bil or sil?

If your nephew is indeed upset, stop putting the boys in matching outfits but perhaps suggest they don't deal with issues via mil in future.

If he's not upset, crack on with the matching outfits.

You've said you don't really like matching clothes so I don't understand why this is bothering you so much. This all seems to be coming from your youngest 'wanting' to match which tbh seems very indulgent.
Buying an extra top for your nephew would be kind; saving the matching for the day you don't see them would also be kind but I think stopping pandering to your youngest would be best of all.

‘I’m afraid the boys choose their own outfits and the weekend and they like to match. If SIL wants to message me and find out what they have chosen to wear that day she is more than welcome to do so.’

If she pushes back, say you are not going to upset your boys to keep nephew happy.

I am definitely in the "All four of you dress the same" camp.

What utter bullshit.

That’s odd. How does MIL know this then? Presumably SIL has told her?

“If she pushes back, say you are not going to upset your boys to keep nephew happy.”

But she is prepared to upset her nephew to keep her boys happy?
This could be something mil has made up, but I know from experience that this can be a very upsetting thing for the left out one. Buy 3 t shirts so the can all match. They’ll love it and it’ll make for some cute pictures.

If you can do something really simple that makes someone else happy, why wouldn’t you?

Um, I think not baby puppy

Awesome cats and dogs reference mbosnz

The simple truth ought to work pretty well here.

Text mil: ds2 wants to dress in the same as ds1, it’s just a phase. Tell sil/nil to give me a text if she wants to ask where the t shirts are from.

Btw, mine are having this phase too, it’s embarrassing as I’m sure people must think we’ve dressed them the same. People can be so judgemental.

What a bizarre request

I'd contact BIL/SIL and say sorry that their DS has been upset and you can assure them it has been without intention, they've picked their clothes each time and you've thought nothing of it.

Bet they've not said anything.

@tremblingfanjo

Wonderful username, wonderful post!

Maybe she has picked up on the DN feeling left out.I can see how a 4 year old might. On the other hand, I can't for one minute think why your MIL (who is doing such a kind thing for you all), would want to say it without grounds? It just makes no sense. Just dress them differently whilst you're there.Can't see the issue