To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

If my child was whining to me that they felt left out because their two cousins wore matching outfits, I don't know what I'd say. But it would most probably be along the lines of 'well, if that's your biggest issue in life so far, I think I'm going to give myself a big ol' pat on the back'! I certainly wouldn't be trying to get their cousins to modify their behaviours, that's ridiculous.

My daughter's cousins are extremely close. They have matching tattoos. I'm not going to request that my two girls are enabled to get matching tattoos (blech), or asking them to get them removed.

Also, I would think it more likely that the nephew just likes the outfit the 2 boys are wearing rather than feeling strongly about matching.

Or maybe nephew threw a backhanded remark "I wanna be the same, too" which is just a 4 yo being 4 rather than him feeling left out. Left out of what?

If she is a nice, caring person with whom you have a decent respectful relationship and who has asked you politely to think about your nephew then I would not take any offence to her text.
OTOH if she is a pita type of mil I'd tell her that the DC choose their own outfits and you are unwilling to stifle their choices.
Either way, I'd speak to sil because it's not nice to upset a 4 year old when you could avoid doing so

Speak to SIL/BIL. If nephew is genuinely upset see if you have some outfits that either match or almost match so he can also be part of the fun.

If he isn’t then it’s MIL who has the problem so see if you can persuade nephew to match your DSs anyway.

Buy three fairy dresses, send all the boys to MIL's matching

Some very clear examples on this thread of DILs who will get combative with MIL just for the sake of it. She hasn't done anything awful, she's mentioned that a very young cousin is feeling left out. So shoot the bitch! I'd buy my nephew a matching t shirt personally.

Not really sure why someone would go out of their way to upset a 4 year old, by coming up with ways to piss mil off more.

Personally, I would ask your dh to contact his sibling. If it upsetting the 4 year old, I wouldnt do it. Or maybe treat the 4 year old to the matching top or whatever.

At least the sibling can tell you what's going on.

I agree with pp. Is it better to be right or kind. And I don't mean kind to your mil. But to your nephew.

A 4 year old is upset that his cousins occasionally wear matching clothes, because they enjoy doing so, and therefore his cousins are expected to adjust their choices to accommodate this?

Women are really weird at times about what clothes kids wear. Creating and cultivating drama where no drama exists. As if working and raising kids isn’t hard enough already.

DH’s find this kid of shit utterly exasperating.

Wearing matching clothes is a fun novelty, for some children, while clearly some hate it.
If they like it, find a third out fit and let their cousin join in, perhaps?

Streetwise what a ridiculous thing to say DH’s find this kid of shit utterly exasperating.
We all find it exasperating, that's why the op made a post asking how she should respond.

😁

Either ignore or if it were me I would go and buy some random cheap silly fancy dress item - enough for everyone including MIL.
Rock up for dinner all smiles and dish them out whilst loudly saying 'look now we're all the same so no more tears'

I agree with speaking directly to Sil/Bil. Find out who really has the problem and is it as bad as Mil says!

If nephew really is upset, then tel Sil/Bil that your boys are choosing what to wear and enjoying their wardrobe planning, if you feel generous maybe get a coup,e of matching tops in his size so he can join in but DON’T stop your kids expressing themselves because someone else doesn’t like it.

I had a childhood where one cousin was favoured over every other child. We ate what they wanted, played what they wanted, listened to what they wanted. None of the other kids enjoyed being around that child. It’s not surprising that child grew into an entirely dysfunctional adult with a massive sense of entitlement and a failure to launch.

Don’t let Mil set up that kind of dysfunction.

Hope it’s all just a misunderstanding and it works out fine

Surely the normal reaction to this (if the child is actually upset, which I highly doubt) would be to ask if he can match the boys too?

Because if a child is feeling left out, the normal adult reaction is to join them in, not stop the behaviour they’re missing out on.

It depends how she put it. My dd has two cousins who used to dress identically deliberately to leave her out. (I kid you not!) “We’re in the flowery shorts club and you can’t join” With hindsight, I wonder whether a quiet word with their mother could have stopped it. So I’m a bit in two minds about this one.

Matching family outfits are almost expected where I come from. My girls love wearing the same and if it's a special occasion like a Wedding, all four of us wear outfits made with the same material!

@Naijamama Can you post pictures?

Dress DH and yourself to match the kids next time you go.

I'd hazard the guess that the OP's 2 year old is at that stage of development where he's recognising that her 5 year old is his big brother... and he likes to wear, say, a blue dinosaur tee-shirt - so the 2 year old wants to wear exactly the same. Because he's recognised that they're brothers... and their 4 year old cousin (who perhaps the 5 year old plays a bit more with every Sunday, given that they're far closer in age than the 5 and 2 year old brothers are) and... yeah. It's normal. Tell your MIL this, OP. It's not throwing your 2 year old "under the bus" - but if his own grandmother can't recognise that perhaps her youngest grandson feels a bit left out by the play antics of the two older ones...? Well.

My grandmother tried to tell her DIL (my mother) to put me in dresses whenever we went to visit. I lived in jeans and tee-shirts, but because I was a girl... in my grandmother's eyes, I ought to be in pretty little dresses. She'd also take me shopping and spend hours in department stores, almost in tears because I refused to try the flouncy 1980s summer dresses on. My mother blithely ignored her MIL. We still all got along together, and after a while my grandmother either got used to having a tom-boy for her eldest granddaughter, or gave up wishing my mother would force me to wear flouncy excuses for dresses!

It'll get easier. But it's probably just your little one's way of communicating his relationship to his older brother, loud and clear, so that everyone knows that he's the brother and not the 4 year old cousin, I'm afraid.

What a joke ! What's her problem it's the weekend the boys should choose whatever they want to wear within reason. I have two girls who enjoy wearing the same T-shirt sometimes it's sweet they are kids nephew feeling left out is part of his development and as long as they are all playing together and not being left out in that way then grandma needs to get a grip!

Even William wears ties to match Kate's dresses, and the kids are colour-coordinated.

You can have a lot of fun.

Half the fun of having more than one child is the opportunity to dress them the same Actually, half the fun of having kids is to dress them up in outfits they’ll cringe about when they’re older

I’d ignore the message but just text your SIL and check if he’s genuinely upset and if so, compromise by saying you’ll let her know what they’re wearing if he wants to join in

When you go to her house you should follow her rules. She doesn’t want them dressing the same so honour that wish or stop your free meals.

House rules shouldn't extend to parental choices. I doubt the OP is eating at the in-laws to save money on food, surely both sides enjoy the arrangement if its regular.

The real question is, is MIL raising a legitimate concern or is she being batshit?

I'd check with SIL whether or not he was actually upset, assuming you have a good relationship with SIL.

Hahahaha.... please get Googling!