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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell MIL to wind her neck in

553 replies

senorasenora · 24/07/2019 11:30

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Hidingwhoiam · 24/07/2019 13:41

It's amazing how people wouldnt think to be kind to a child and either not do it or include him. And jump straight to 'let's escalate this because it came from a MIL'.

I wouldn't want to have my nieces upset, just because my child technically had the right to do something.

I am sure alot of mners are just letting their hatred of mils be the primary.

I bet not one of them would actually go and buy matching outfits for the whole family. And if my dp wanted to do something to upset my nieces further, I would tell him to grow up

LillithsFamiliar · 24/07/2019 13:41

You're upsetting a 4-yr-old and have two options that could stop that but you'd rather make this into a massive MIL issue and drag in DH and possibly DSIL.
Is it the heat that is making everyone cranky or is it that MN now seems to be populated with posters who could start a fight in an empty house?

Unihorn · 24/07/2019 13:41

This all seems to be coming from your youngest 'wanting' to match which tbh seems very indulgent.
What a strange definition of indulgence

RunningFeisty · 24/07/2019 13:44

Go round as a family all wearing matching pyjamas

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 24/07/2019 13:45

I am sure alot of mners are just letting their hatred of mils be the primary.

it's not really hatred, is it. It's a MIL dealing with what is absolutely none of her business.

No need for such drama. Some kids want to wear fancy dress outfits on a normal day, you just tell them no, and you all move on.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 13:46

I get what you're saying munemema, but it really doesn't sit well with me that a person, be it the MIL, or the nephew, feels they have the right to attempt to control what other people choose to wear, which is a fairly personal thing. (Obviously there are exceptions - school uniforms, don't wear your gardening clothes to your grandmothers funeral). I don't actually think that's a healthy message for a four year old to be given, or for the other children to be given either.

Which is why I would not be amenable to conforming to this request in this instance.

munemema · 24/07/2019 13:46

Or a MIL trying to deal with a very difficult DIL who seems to want to upset her GDC Magnums?

munemema · 24/07/2019 13:48

I don't see any difference in telling DS he can't wear something because it will upset his cousin to telling him what's appropriate to wear at a funeral TBH.

Sometimes it's worth just being nice.

Hidingwhoiam · 24/07/2019 13:49

It's a MIL dealing with what is absolutely none of her business.

Since you arent the mil, you have mo idea why she was the one that said it. And since this is one of mils grandkids, that's being upset, for some people that would be their business.

But let's not let sensible thinking and working out a way to make a 4 year old happy, get on the way of hating mils.

CassianAndor · 24/07/2019 13:50

I would speak to your SIL/BIL and find out if your DN is indeed feeling left out, and if he is, I would suggest to your boys that they don't do this, but they can do it at other times.

I wonder if your DN is feeling left out in other ways?

I agree it's not your MIL's business but perhaps she has noticed your DN looking left out and unhappy.

(Caveat: I am the mother of an only child and I can see her unhappiness sometimes about this. Most of the time she is absolutely fine but I can well imagine her saying firstly that she doesn't have a sibling and then that she's left out and 'different' because of the clothes.)

MartiniDry · 24/07/2019 13:50

"Why does the nephew get to dictate what other people do/don’t wear? It’s ok to be upset sometimes, it’s part of life. He’ll get over it."

This.

Why should senorasenora be dictated to by her MIL or a small child? This isn't her problem to manage. If her nephew is put out that's for his own parents to deal with, preferably by not making a big deal about it rather than indulging him and setting him up for a lifetime of entitlement.

LillithsFamiliar · 24/07/2019 13:51

Uni I think it is very indulgent to make your 5-yr-old change clothes before they go to MIL's because the 2-yr-old wants them to be dressed the same.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 13:51

I don't see any difference in telling DS he can't wear something because it will upset his cousin to telling him what's appropriate to wear at a funeral TBH.

I can. But it's fair enough that you can't.

Sometimes it's worth teaching our kids that they don't have to always 'be nice', that what they want matters too. Just like it's worth teaching our kids that other people are allowed to do things that are perfectly reasonable for them to do, even if we'd rather they didn't.

munemema · 24/07/2019 13:52

Of course it does mbosnz, but over a tshirt for one afternoon?

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 24/07/2019 13:53

Or a MIL trying to deal with a very difficult DIL who seems to want to upset her GDC

projecting much?
The OP was just minding her own business and letting her kids chose their clothes, MIL is interfering. It's rude and whilst not a big deal at all, it's unreasonable.

It wouldn't even occur to me to call my sister to let her know my daughter is upset because her cousin is allowed to wear a certain outfit/paint her nails/have a handbag, so the cousin should stop wearing that when we are coming!
it's ridiculous.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 13:54

but over a tshirt for one afternoon?

Yup. Because if it's that trivial a thing for someone to accede to it one way, it's that trivial the other.

Rock4please · 24/07/2019 13:55

Is July open season on MILs? There are so many of these types of posts. So many DILs seemingly can't wait to pick a fight with their MILs and there are so many posters who are so ready to egg them on. Some of the posters are funny, but others are downright spiteful.

Yes, it's trivial, but why are you dwelling on it so much? I don't know the history or how your relationship with MIL is generally but could it be that cooking lunch for her family is a highlight of her week and she just wants everyone to get on? Why would she raise the point if your nephew were not genuinely upset? Small children - and indeed adults - can be hurt by feeling left out. Is it so hard to believe that your nephew really does feel a bit left out in the circumstances?

For goodness sake, grow up, and show a bit of grace and kindness!

VivienneHolt · 24/07/2019 13:55

Just keep it simple "you are joking right? I'll dress my kids as I please. Please do not make an issue where there is, or at least shouldn't be, one. This is ridiculous, not up for discussion and it will happen again if my children decide to wear matching outfits"

I’m genuinely curious - in real life, do you actually think this is keeping it simple? Is it really not clear to you that this is a needlessly dramatic and hostile response to this particular situation?

I sometimes think MN is another planet. That or the world has far more people who have no idea how to behave in a normal and reasonable manner than I would have assumed.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 13:56

Having said that, I'm the kind of person who really doesn't get the tizz that people get in about people possibly going to the prom or a wedding in the same outfit they've chosen.

It's just bloody clothes ffs. If you want to wear something, wear it. If I want to wear something I'll wear it.

munemema · 24/07/2019 13:57

Yes, Magnums, we don't know the DIL/MIL dynamic, but DIL certainly hasn't approached this from the angle of wanting to help her DN.

I am not a MIL and I don't have a MIL, so I'm not sure what I'm projecting. It just seems a shame to take such a hard line against an upset 4yo, just becasue it's MIL who's tried to help him.

Halloumimuffin · 24/07/2019 13:57

Learning how to deal with things not going just the way we want them to is a part of life.

This is true. However, while being left out, disappointed and upset is a part of life, I wouldn't expect family members to do it to a child on purpose just so they can be stubborn and petty about their RIGHT to wear whatever they want.

As other PPs have said, this doesn't seem to be some grand statement about autonomy, but an excuse to pick a fight with MIL. It's easy for them to not match and not upset the child (if the child is upset) to not do so just to get one over on your MIL is nasty and spiteful. If the child cried in front of you for feeling isolated and left out would you just tell him to get over it? He's FOUR.

absofuckinglutley · 24/07/2019 13:58

Stop going for dinner in a Sunday. Tell her you no longer feel welcome as your DS's cannot dress the way they want.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 13:58

Well, I would have thought a normal reasonable person would tell a four year old that it's sad that they feel left out, but their two cousins are siblings, and they enjoy dressing the same sometimes, and that's all there is to it. Now how about we go to the park. . .

cuppycakey · 24/07/2019 13:58

Some of you appear to have missed the post where OP says she is happy to liaise with SIL and let her know what DC are wearing so DN can join in with the matchy matchy. She isn't trying to upset DN at all.

Kanga83 · 24/07/2019 13:59

You all need to match now . Nice Breton stripes all round for next Sunday!

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