To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

I was prepared to say: sod your MIL but actually, it's not her who's upset, it's your nephew.

You need to see past your MIL and make one of 3 choices:

1. stop dressing them the same and risk upsetting your boys.

2. buy matching tops for all boys to wear to dinner.

3. do as you please.

The choice is yours, go with whichever soothes your conscience.

There are more choices avaliable to the op and she's already used one, choice 25.5 section a. And she's come to compromise from sil.

choice 25.5 section a

🤣🤣

Could our mn t's be ethically sourced though please.

I know some mn are happy to buy cheap goods off the back of Poor labour and throw cash around in the process, spilling thier champagne, but I'd prefer second hand.

Thanks.

UGH!!!!!

CALM DOWN!! What a bunch of meanness is being shared today. No child under 5 is a freaking snowflake.

First. A 2yo can be taught empathy. I've done it. With pets, with stuffed animals with myself. "Oh, look at lovie. He feels bad. What does mummy do when your tummy hurts? That's right, (petting gently)."

Children imitate. They learn. They understand emotions. Hopefully the emotion that they've felt most is love. They will understand being left out also.

They aren't unreachable unteachable creatures, they are children.

And 2 boys who are close vs an only child?? Nobody gets that??

An only child knows half the social skills that siblings learn through living with one another. I grew up on a secluded farm, my brother was much younger. I remember wishing I understood the way to interact that came naturally to my cousins.

Ignoring any adult drama. If nephew is sad. I would say, "Let's give cousin this shirt! He thinks its so cool that you two wear matching clothes that he wants to also. Let's have a Cousin's Club today!"

There. You've taught your children how special they are to be brothers and also the importance of family. You've potentially made a singleton little boy feel included.

The world is what you make it sometimes mn. Most children aren't as cynical as the hard hearted posters today.

If you give in to this it will be a precedent and the thin end of the wedge. Dress the children the same for one more visit to prove your point and then drop it.

Be nice, be polite, don’t lose your temper or respond rudely but, remember, it is war, and you have to win it.

YABU for dressing your children the same.

If it was my dn id but a couple of matching tops for him, i do that with my grandson sometimes if we are going somewhere as he likes to wear the same as ds3&4 and is into the same stuff. Dsil also buys all 3 things that match occasionally

I wouldn’t tell mine they can’t , they’ve chosen to dress the same some days for years now

Dil even , not dsil I don’t have a dsil

Cats the interesting thing is that OP wasn't given the opportunity to discuss options she was issued with an edict that said she wasn't to dress the boys the same for the dinner. This is a very combative and strange approach from the MIL when the SIL could have bypassed all the drama from the beginning by employing any number of strategies that would have worked.

Dress the children the same for one more visit to prove your point and then drop it

And what point would that be then? That you can’t show any empathy, that you don’t like being told what to do, that you are inflexible.

I’m sidetracked by the purchasing of matching outfits - mine are just under 3yrs apart - the older one gets new clothes, the younger one gets new underwear but mainly his brothers old clothes.
However - back to MIL - do a sound of music and make all 4 of you matching outfits from the curtains👍🏼
Seriously I would get DH to call his brother and find out who this is coming from and if it is seriously an issue. It isn’t coming from a 4yr old, that’s for sure. Pathetic.

@BertrandRussell always wades I'm on MIL threads and unwaveringly backs the MIL regardless of what the issue is so I'd just ignore all of that emotive hyperbole.

The truth is that the children aren't being unkind by dressing the same. If something totally innocent upsets a child no one then has to reassess their behaviour, the child's parents should just explain that John and Oliver have chosen to dress the same and isn't that nice, just gloss over it it's a non issue. Pandering to every single emotion a 4 year old feels is how snowflakes are created. No one is being cruel, no one is doing anything wrong. This 4 year old is going to have a tough life if he is taught that people modify perfectly normal behaviour to suit his every passing fancy.

Just wondering why it is some of the 'be kind posters', who discuss this in the least kind manner?

Wait a couple of years, then perhaps it is the only child who gets more material stuff. Should only child's parents compensate op's dcs in that case, so they don't feel left out either .

YellowsAndPinks so you think the 4 year old will turn into a snowflake if his mum buys him the same T shirt as his cousins? Because he wants to feel included?

Why would you be so mean? It’s ok for the youngest child to want to be like his older brother but not the cousin, why is that?

And this isn’t pandering to every single emotion, it’s a fairly basic situation where many children in close families will no doubt find themselves in at some point or another.

NoSauce it's absolutely fine for the SiL to buy the nephew the same tops as his cousins. In fact, that's the best solution all round.

I think the four year old's parents are copping out a bit. It's far easier to get MIL to tell OP not to allow her kids to dress matchy matchy, than to really explore with four year old what they're feeling and why, and help them accept their life situation.

But I do get that for whatever reason, it's easier just to say that OP is just being mean, and ought to sort out her nephew's issue for him - and his parents. But it will be rather a superficial fix won't it? And what will the next edict be?

Don't respond. Daft woman.
Nephew will learn a lesson - that the world doesn't revolve around him all the time...

It’s an odd one that those who say MIL is wrong also have no compassion with for the child.

I am baffled now - I honestly thought that @senorasenora had dealt with this pretty well. Her text acknowledged that her nephew was upset, and offered cooperation with her SIL, to try to prevent the boy being upset again.

Exactly. I can't believe what's happened to this thread since I last read it. And yes, as someone else has said, it's the posters pushing the 'be kind' option who've been the rudest and the least empathetic.

The message from the MIL could easily have said "where did you get the boys' tees and shorts? Nephew idolises them and said he'd like to match with them too. Would you be okay with me or SIL buying him the same?"
But she didn't. She sent a message telling the OP not to allow her kids to dress the same when they visited her. That was neither kind nor reasonable. And any of us would respond with a WTF? to that instruction.
Sometimes this board is nuts.

Exactly I thought OP was more generous than I would have been! Hats off to her.

many children in close families

A family that deals with a non issue in this antagonistic way is not close. Families with individuals who think the world revolves around them usually fracture. Just read the boards here.

A few posters have ramped up the heat because they have had 'personal issues' with matching clothes in their dc childhood.

Understandable in this heat etc they have been triggered and now project on the op.

Sound of music and matching outfits have much to answer for .

Close families won't be close for much longer if people issue edicts to each other, without kindness, debate, solutions. In fact they probably were not close to begin with just held together by fear.

How has the OP been generous? She’s said that she’s going to continue to dress the boys the same even though she knows this has been upsetting the nephew and right of wrong she doesn’t seem to want to bend where this is concerned because she feels this child is dictating what happens in her house.

In her shoes I would have rang the SIL straight away to see what was going on and to see what I could do to make sure he wasn’t upset. I mean wouldn’t any of us do that for our family?