Is this a pisstake?

[probablyneedmoresleep]

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

What's the point of him except to divorce him for all the money you can get? He's not a partner, you may as well be single.

There is a lot here that feels wrong. He's bored and scared and has trapped you to free himself.

But - you only get what you tolerate. You need to stop being a martyr and start doing things for yourself. Just do it, don't ask. At one year, your baby doesn't need constant feeds.

But most importantly - if you're planning baby no.2 please put it on hold til you've worked through this stuff. Getting pregnant again before you've both got your acts together will make everything harder for all of you.

STOP describing what he does as “helping” or “watching” your son! When he is at home at the tines you have agreed a 50/50 split this means he is actively caring for him and parenting him- not just doing the bare minimum to make sure he stays alive. This could be active games, planning DS’ meal, taking him swimming and, as DS gets older, talking and interacting with him, reading, etc etc. By using this sort of language you are minimising his responsibilities as a father.

I bet he didn’t take paternity leave did he?

I’m bemused at your reluctance to put “financial pressure” on him. You say he is earning big bucks in corporate finance- there will be plenty of money around for babysitting, or a few days for DS in nursery, or an au pair- probably even a full time nanny would not make much of a dent- seriously, people with much more modest incomes still manage to find all these things if they decide it is worth it to make their lives a bit easier. Your use of this phrase suggests that you have only a sketchy understanding of what he earns, what assets you have and what your joint outgoings are. Or he is hugely financially controlling.

If it helps, on the assumption that he is in his early thirties, I’d expect someone doing the job you describe to be earning c300k pa plus bonus of at least another 100k. Even with a house worth a couple of million still plenty after mortgage to pay a nanny and hardly notice it, and more than enough for a few riding lessons.

God I feel so sad now.

The thing is, contrary to what I am saying, DH is a very funny, intelligent and kind person. I love spending time with him. The issue is that we do not have much time to spend together, and therefore when things go badly or there is resentment, it really festers and there is none of the happy good time together feeling there because it’s so seldom. It’s tricky.

I am sad for my son though as DH has a shocking relationship with his own father and I don’t want that for DS (or DH). He says he isn’t the same but it’s hard to differentiate when, as some of you correctly pointed out, he seems to think him parenting DS is helping me somehow; rather than just parenting his own child.

As others and you have said, the status quo is unfair and cannot be maintained. However, hopefully he will accept things need to change and become a better partner and parent. There must be something that made you want to marry him so hopefully these better points can re-emerge and he can step up. There have been good suggestions, like the coming home for dinner then restarting work, as well as a set evening for him to go to the gym- and a set evening for you to do what you want, even if that starts

He's lying he isn't working till midnight.
Don't let him treat you as a fool .

Oops, starts with you going for a walk or having a long bath. Getting a nanny or au pair sounds sensible as does putting our foot down about your hobby as it sounds like you can afford it and need that time quite frankly.

OP, did your DH want to have a child?

Needing a nanny does not = a shit father, just a bloody hard working one perhaps

It does when the father is denying his wife a nanny and then refuses to parent his own child.

OP, did your DH want to have a child?

It’s an interesting question. Obviously DS was planned as I said before, but we were told it would take years or may never happen. Instead it took 2 months and his reaction to the pregnancy was deeply upsetting.

It sounds like he may be quite unevolved in his attitude to family life, probably as a result of what you describe as a not particularly happy or healthy childhood himself? I wonder if that made him scared of being a father on some level. He may have convinced himself that working hard IS his way of being a good father, as that is easier than facing reality and also addressing whatever issues about family he has. So he may be quite entrenched in this world view. But hopefully you can get through to him everything you have expressed on here, and hopefully he can be brave and take it on board.

I have read the full thread
I’ve just jumped on to say I’m really sorry op .i can’t see your dh changing ,and he’s got no respect for you ,or women in general it seems.
I really hope he hasn’t had sex with you while you were asleep as that’s rape

His reaction to the pregnancy was upsetting in what way? It sounds like that may be at the root of your problems.

CraftyYankee

In that he wasn’t happy at first. He was acting like it was a surprise despite us having being TTC. He completely spoilt the moment for me and reacted appallingly and was upset about it. He only really came around once we had scans etc. It’s horrible.

I’ve asked him to read the thread. God knows if he actually will, and god know if he will take it seriously but I think it would be good for him to see just how I view it, how other people view it. And perhaps he can get some perspective or think of some of these points some people have made about why he is like this.

This man doesn't respect you. It doesn't even sound like he likes you.

All the money will not make a nice childhood for your son when his father acts like a single man and his mother is downtrodden and powerless in her own home.

He’ll probably get one of his analysts to read it and provide him with a two paragraph summary!

Not only would I be extremely hurt & suspicious about the whole thing in terms of the state of my marriage, but what about his utter lack of relationship with his child - at least from Mn-Fri anyway?? THAT would be the thing that bothered me the most, I think.

jonslow

Thanks for making me laugh!

Have you already asked him to look at the thread? While I am all for people asking for advice online, it might not go down too well for him to see you discussing your sex life etc and there’s a risk he’ll focus on that and lose sight of the real issues. You l ow him best though.

Yes and he needs to just deal with that - it’s an anonymous forum and if he doesn’t like the responses to his behaviour, sexual or otherwise, he needs to change it!

And his response?

He just said he would read it, that’s it. Haven’t heard since so I guess he hasn’t

Good for you OP. Hello OP’s DH.

To give you a benchmark, at the weekend we were at a 3rd birthday party. The fathers there included a partner in a Big 4 accountancy firm, a senior operations manager at an investment bank, two lawyers and the CEO of a civil engineering consultancy. Every single one of them was able to talk specifics about their child’s favourite bedtime books, food preferences and recount anecdotes about how they had jointly tackled potty training with their partners. Three of them do regular early finishes to collect their child from nursery a couple of days a week. And they were all happy, contented Dads. That’s pretty much how fathers are these Don’t repeat the mistakes of your family’s past. Oh and it does change when they are a bit older and more interactive- more exhausting than a 1 year old but you get a lot more back.

I agree with . I think it’d be more effective to take key points from the thread than showing it to him. Anyone would be defensive when presented with a thread outlining their failings, and if the result you want is open dialogue and to affect change in your relationship dynamic, I think you should be careful not to give him a chance to veer off to another issue. The thread is a smokescreen and I imagine he would use it. Keep it straight if your goal is cooperation and openness.

I haven't read every post so apologies if I am off the mark or repeating someone but here are my 2 pennies worth.

Tackle it like he would. Dont ask for his help. Try not to moan or lecture him and dont get emotional. Tell him what's happening. It's what he does. Play his parenting avoidance games.

Fake a crisis where you have to leave in a hurry at the weekend and pass your DS to him 'Oh gosh, my friend Jo has been in an accident and needs me to sort out her 6 kids.' Then jump in your car and go to a spa. Ideally empty the fridge before you go, put all your childs clothes in the laundry and hide the nappies.

Think of imaginative reasons to be out which he can not argue with. 8 weeks of physio for your back, damaged by a year of carting a child around? And they finally have a slot for you at the weekend!

When you are out, turn your phone off and do not thank him when you return. if he moans, look genuinely confused, 'dont you want to be with your son? Why didnt you just go to the shops?' Etc. Also, when returning do not rush to take the baby off him. 'I need a long shower after looking after those 6 tears aways. Could you get dinner ready?'

One last tip, be a bit less good at parenting. 'I cant be bothered with the whole bath bedtime routine. Shall we just keep him up? Well if you want to put him to bed that's fine. I'm watching this.'

His behaviour needs addressing but first I think you should try to turn the tables. For your own amusement if nothing else. If you could recreate a situation hes put you in , that would be even better.