Please help me help my son...

[Sonia84]

My son is 7 and very lonely. He is kind, sensitive, polite and generous, but he’s always struggled to make friends and summer holidays are breaking my heart. He’s desperate to go out and play and meet up with friends, but he just has nobody. There are a couple of people in his class who live near us but they a bit too rough and boisterous for him. They’re also prone to being quite mean to him so he’s given up trying to be friends with them. Our neighbour’s children have bullied him in the past. I’ve tried to arrange play dates with other parents, but everyone is working or on holiday. His only friend from school is ignoring his messages.
I feel so sad for him not being able to go out and play.
I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position? I’ve posted on the local thread to see if anyone near me would like to meet up but I don’t know if it will work.
Or if not, does anyone have suggestions? He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low. I just want him to have fun and be happy. All he wants are some friends.

Sorry for the sob story, I don’t know what else to do.

Thank you @converseandjeans

I wouldn’t rule out sport, I didn’t like the mentality at football where I live but have found other sports much more inclusive of abilities. To be honest most 7 year olds aren’t skilled at any sport.

I work so my kids have had to go to summer activities -all sorts attend. Check out the Facebook and websites of local clubs and the council. Is the library doing anything? Bookshops often have craft days etc

In the longer term what about scouts or BBs or drama?

"It’s my business if my son has a phone. It’s not for anyone else to judge the choices I make as a parent."

Lots of posters think it's unwise to allow a 7yo unsupervised access to the internet, or to use a phone for communication at that age.

Even if you disagree, there may be parents of children in your son's class who feel the same. If he is 'the boy who is allowed to have a phone' - and it really is unusual at that age - then it might be one of the reasons they are not falling over themselves to encourage friendships.

In my class, it's the child who's allowed to play a 12-cert x box game. He is quite proud of it and talks about it a lot and that seems to have filtered through to the parents.

You've had loads of other, good advice though. Did you manage to talk to his teacher? Parents ask me quite often to encourage particular friendships, or to identify budding friendships that they can foster at home.

Yes it's your business if your DS has a phone but you are foolish if you assume that being an outlier in that respect won't get you judged and impact on your DS.

Honestly I wouldn't want my DC hanging out with a child who had unfettered access to a phone. I don't think it's age appropriate and would make me question whether there were other areas where boundaries lacked and therefore if my DC would be safe on a play date.

It's fine for you to dismiss my perspective OP but you may find it's shared by many and if you're looking to understand why your DS is feeling isolated then it'd be a good starting point.

Honestly I wouldn't want my DC hanging out with a child who had unfettered access to a phone. I don't think it's age appropriate and would make me question whether there were other areas where boundaries lacked and therefore if my DC would be safe on a play date.

Well articulated. There was a child in ds's class who was allowed to play age inappropriate Play Station games and I didn't encourage that friendship or allow play dates. It made me uncomfortable and I didn't want my child in a household where this was acceptable. I'd be very suspicious of a 7 year old texting and making their own social arrangements and that friendship would not be encouraged.

When did I say my child has “unfettered” or “unsupervised” access to a phone or the internet? You really all do need to get a grip and stop twisting everything so you have something to feel superior about.
Firstly, he uses it to play Pokemon go and watch YouTube videos (supervised!!!!). And he uses FaceTime or sends messages when he’s staying with me or his dad so he can contact with the other whenever he wants. It helps him feel that he’s in control of that as his access to the absent parent isn’t controlled by the one he’s staying with. This works really well for us. And we check his phone every single day several times.
He does not use his phone constantly and he definitely does not take it to school or even outside the house unsupervised. The amount you’re all twisting this is honestly ridiculous.
The friend he messaged is in an older year group and has his own phone. Therefore, I’m not sure what issue that child’s parents would have with my son having a phone.
Furthermore, my son is not unique in having a phone. Several children in his class have one.
Also, as I’ve also said, the phone is in lieu of an iPad as if was a cheaper alternative.
I really think you all need to stick your judgements up your sanctimonious arses tbh. Judging a parent and a child for something so trivial is honestly pathetic.

I have committed the MN sin of not RTFT but I gather it's rather gone away from your initial question @sonia!

I came on to say that I volunteer for a children's charity, and we speak to lots of young people who have low self-esteem and low confidence, which is what you said in your initial post. I'd recommend looking at the Childline website, with your boy perhaps, and thinking about how you might be able to help him to be more confident, because that can have a really positive effect on his interests and his friendships. At the moment he;s too shy to try new things/clubs, so the aim would be to change that. Often finding things he likes about himself leads to things he likes, leads to increasing the number of people he hangs out with, who have similar interests. I know it's not a quick fix, but it might help long term.

I really think you all need to stick your judgements up your sanctimonious arses tbh. Judging a parent and a child for something so trivial is honestly pathetic

OP - um..you asked for opinions. You’ve had some really helpful stuff. You’ve also had several people quite gently suggesting that tech can be an issue.

I ran an internet safety session for a group of year 7s (so 11/12 ish) last year - they had all accessed really, really hardcore porn on their phones. Really damaging, potentially. And that’s just one group - most of the parents had no idea until we spoke to them and then suggested the group. Smart phones are a massive, massive safeguarding risk. That’s why people have picked up on it. It’s not sanctimonious.

Anyone else hoping that the OP isn’t their child’s teacher?

Just a thought OP, could your DS message his friend with your number to pass on to his mum to organise a playdate or meetup?

My 8 year old couldn't organise his own social life just yet, he has to fit in with what's going on with our family.

As to why friend hasn't replied; hasn't got access to his phone, is just spending the first week chilling, is on holiday, visiting relatives, is at organised summer activity, at Cub camp, isn't very well, has run out of credit, has forgotten about the message, doesn't know how to respond because it's beyond his control to organise meeting etc etc... There are a myriad of perfectly plausible reasons.

Another option is the class or school parents Facebook or WhatsApp group. Could you put a message on there? We've already had a few posts along the lines of, "going to X park on Thursday at 10am, anybody who wants to meet up to play?"

Your ds' friends parents will only know he has a phone not the explanation of why.
I judged my children's friends if they were allowed to watch or do age in appropriate things. So I think you should take charge of his arrangements rather than leave them to him. I'd have found it quite odd at that age.
As others have said, you've asked and you've been given good information.

Try your local church for holiday clubs. My kids used to go there when they were small no overtly religious overtone just painting, making things and playing. Most of the local children used to go there during the summer hols😊

My DS now 10 was like this... he was the child who would not join in or interact at parties/events...

Age 5/6 I decided that I needed to use a little bit of tough love...

Signed him up to swimming lessons, football (training and skills sessions initially). Also signed him up for after school club a day or two a week just so he could mix without me being there and build friendships.

Looking back I am so pleased I did as he has grown to be a more confident boy as he has grown older.

He will now join in activities, speak to people at the park etc.

Also... I arranged some playdates via other school Mum's, parents within my friendship group and signed him up for multi activity camps now and again at our local leisure centre

Meh. My youngest had his own ipad from age 4 as wanted my tv back and not watch endless peppa pig.

Op all I can say is keep trying different clubs and activities. My boys love beavers/cubs. All you can do is keep trying different things. Also ask him if there are any only children in his class then contact their parents

Also op check out craft style clubs as he may like those.

Do any of your work mates have children same sort of age? You could ask of they would like to meet in park.

Also you could try online gaming but it would have to be carefully supervised and with age appropriate game. My friends who have only children talk to their friends a lot while gaming though they are slightly older.

If that’s a reason for you to judge me as a parent, do bore off

Nice 🙄

I really think you all need to stick your judgements up your sanctimonious arses tbh.

😂

The first things anyone who wants to make friends needs to be is likable. It's not an entitlement.

If your son sees this is how you deal with people, is he doing the same?

^this

"When did I say my child has “unfettered” or “unsupervised” access to a phone or the internet? You really all do need to get a grip and stop twisting everything so you have something to feel superior about."

I don't doubt that you supervise him but the other parents don't know that do they?

They'll be making the same judgements and assumptions as some people on here.

Do you think he tells his friends that he's only allowed to watch videos with his mum and play Pokemon Go?

You asked for advice but seem determined that the other parents at school can't possibly be judging you for that decision, and that they all completely understand that it's used responsibly.

He won't be saying that. The parents won't be thinking that. I have some experience as I teach a similar age group. I am not saying it to upset you because I don't know you I'm just trying to respond to your original question.

I really think you all need to stick your judgements up your sanctimonious arses tbh. Judging a parent and a child for something so trivial is honestly pathetic

I don't think your DS is getting the opportunity to model interpersonal relationships is he?! 😂

This is how we worked it and nothing isn’t meant as a criticism:-

1. they didn’t have phones until year 6, only an old one which they took out on a bike ride where we lived in case something happened. So please don’t rely on another child picking up messages. It may have been taken off them, not charged or have no credit:- My kids were given bricks- so no smart phones until high school.

2. I would drop them off at 7:30am for breakfast club and would be lucky to pick them up once a month either at normal time or after school club at 5:40-6:00pm. So I would give them a ‘note’ to give to friends parents with my number and ‘hi is it okay if Johnny comes to our house after tea Wednesday and I will drop him home?’. We done this from reception, so by year 3, you had a bank of numbers. However their friends also change!

3. school holidays many people are a) away on holiday b) visiting family c) having days out d) spending time with their family as it’s the best opportunity. Summer holidays we hardly ever seen a ‘school friend’ unless I or them done emergency childminding. Just because as a teacher you have 6 weeks off, other parents are still working- so kids are with grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighbours and friends, it’s how parents have or juggle child care. So kids are rarely at home the whole holiday, if both parents are working.

4. Many kids go away on camp etc, so aren’t at home.

You say the kids near by are ‘rough’, is that an assumption made from this weeks, .org last year? You know yourself how much kids change.

I have RTFT and I am speechless.

You’ve had some good advice on this thread op, I hope you take some of it rather than just digging your heals in and being defensive. 7 is very young for proper social skills, but a lot of them need proper organising and a good push.

OP, my 9 year son sounds very like yours. I also work FT and, because of maternity leave, have very little annual leave this summer so I've had to send my son to a formal holiday club once / twice a week from 8am. He hated it yesterday, 6.5 out of 10 apparently, but we have no family childcare so I have no choice in this. He got some exercise and out in the fresh air and spoke to someone about pokemon cards, so I take what solace I can from that. My son often plays better with girls or slightly younger children, so maybe factor that in when looking at possible activites for your boy. My son does weekly swimming lessons, and we're keeping these going in the summer, and does a martial art twice a week where he meets both children and adults and they help. Where my son loves the activities he's often happy but he doesn't want to get stuck in if it's something his heart's not in. Roughly whereabouts in the country are you, in case other posters can suggest activities he could do to that might be suitable (thinking county / rough area). I know our local town has a medieval kids event on today, for example, which may be more of his bag and you could chat to parents there with children he's talking to.