Please help me help my son...

[Sonia84]

My son is 7 and very lonely. He is kind, sensitive, polite and generous, but he’s always struggled to make friends and summer holidays are breaking my heart. He’s desperate to go out and play and meet up with friends, but he just has nobody. There are a couple of people in his class who live near us but they a bit too rough and boisterous for him. They’re also prone to being quite mean to him so he’s given up trying to be friends with them. Our neighbour’s children have bullied him in the past. I’ve tried to arrange play dates with other parents, but everyone is working or on holiday. His only friend from school is ignoring his messages.
I feel so sad for him not being able to go out and play.
I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position? I’ve posted on the local thread to see if anyone near me would like to meet up but I don’t know if it will work.
Or if not, does anyone have suggestions? He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low. I just want him to have fun and be happy. All he wants are some friends.

Sorry for the sob story, I don’t know what else to do.

I think we can all see the problem here...

Op i dont have a 7 year old child, but when me neice was that age, the phone was very kuch a fad she would pick and choose when to use. This could be what his friend is doing or the parent (quite rightly imo) has said no phone over the summer hols.
I think you need to work on building up your sons confidence and resilience. If you take advice to heart as much as you have this thread, he has no chance of being resilient of throw away comments from kids.

A drama group has really brought my dd9 out of her shell, she absolutely resists any kind of club, but some I insist she’s going - trampolining, rounders, art - she’s loved everyone of them. Ready made friends there too. I think you should push clubs a bit more.
My local council does free play sessions in local parks for 2 hrs a day, is there anything like this on? Reading clubs in libraries?
Take a ball to the park and start a game of footie, my DS (now teens) could get a game of football started anywhere- instantly attracted more kids. Good luck.

If my 7yo received a message from his friend (rather than a parent) trying to arrange a play date, I'd probably assume that the parent knew nothing about it.

Like when they come home saying they've been invited to a party but there's no actual invitation - it's all very uncomfortable not knowing how/whether to get in touch with the parent.

A 7yo "ignoring" messages has either no means to check them/doesn't check very often or parents are saying you can only go if I hear from his mum. If a 7yo was being mean and had access to social media/messaging, they'd be overtly mean, not just ignore.

At least you have school holidays off some of us don't even have that

Hi I have a little boy just turned six he's a lovley sensitive boy aswell. I think when you have an only child you have to make more of an effort in a way as if the child has siblings they automatically have some one to play with and the parents might not be as bothered about meeting up . I also don't want to meet up with others all the time I like to spend sometime alone with my son but this is what I am doing. Message other parents and ask to do things ( I do not like doing this ) but have successfully arranged a few play dates for the holidays already. It feels like im always the one who suggests first but then once i do they often ask us to do things aswell. Go to lots of days out/ events/ activities that other children will be at then he sort of socialise anyway. On Monday we went to an organised event at an art gallery he played with a little girl and told me he made a new friend, I praised this and if we are at the park making sandcastles ECT and other children come over to ask if they can help I always say yes and refer to them as friends. I'm also being as proactive as I can with getting to know neighbours with children. We had our neighbours little boy around yesterday to play. I would try and see if any other children local you might be able to try and get to know the parents and arrange things. I don't think his friend is ignoring him I think it's more likely he just hasn't seen message/ doesn't really use phone ECT . I think as you are now off all summer you can be a regular presence at local park and chat to all other parents, go to events at your local libary and play outside with your son in street/ field ECT. We usually play in the back garden but I am going to play out the front more as you do see people passing and my neighbour saw us and cane over. Have you seen the initiative about setting up play street were you close the street once a month with neighbours and parents chat whilst children play would you think about try to arrange something like this ? I am also meeting us with family friends when they are looking after their grandchildren a few times in the holidays( he does know them but only tends to see how and again). Lastly there is an app called mush you can join and mums arrange meet ups you came contact local mums aswell. Personally when I tried in our areas it seemed to work better for younger children but as its the summer holidays there might be older ones about. I personally would not force camps ECT if he doesn't like that and you don't need to For child care but would offer the option but I know my son would refuse. Good luck and try to enjoy your holidays with your little boy.

I also work full time time. Many parents do!! I’d say a good 50% of the families my dc go to school with have 2 full time working parents, and the majority of the rest have 2 parents who work at least part time.

My DC are 7 and 10. Their long-standing friends are the children they see at afterschool club and out of school activities - swimming, cricket and Scouts/Cubs/Beavers mostly. It is an absolute PITA sometimes to take them out to these activities as soon as I get back from work, but I love that they do them.

DS has recently joined an archery club in a town about 10 miles away, and is making friends there at weekends. At nearly 11, he is only just now gaining the social skills to organise his own social life.

School is not the only source of making friends, but the friendships made through out of school activities do require significant effort from both the parent and child. DS joined Beavers when he was 6. He’s now a scout, dd is a beaver and I am a Cub leader.
Our family have made some fabulous friendships through scouting - all out of school hours.

As a teacher, you have a resource that many working parents would envy - you are not at work during the school holidays. Can you play that to your advantage? Either ask children over, or sign your child up for clubs that only run 10-3 - there seem to be many near me, but they don’t work around working hours.

Hi, just read this.
I don't think anyone is being mean or patronising.
Many parents have to work full time. I always did when dd was young. Taking her to holiday clubs used to break my heart when she cried when I left but I had no choice. When I went back for her in the evening she had made things, played with new children and had a good time. It still didn't stop the tears the next day and the guilt I felt.
Check out if there are any fun days coming up in local parks, try to befriend local mums, speak to teachers.
You need to show your little one that you are not stressed as this will definitely make him stressed and more introverted.
Enjoy the time that you can spend with him over the summer and let him see your fun side. Doesn't have to cost much, make kites, go swimming so when he goes back to school he can tell people what he did over the summer.
Think about organising a mini Halloween party for the October break, this will give the kids something to talk about. Even if you end up with 20 kids for an hour you're a teacher, you can do this.
Take care. Let me know how you get on.

Our local council arranges day time activities that are free , maybe yours does too ? My previous council had a play bus that went around all the local villages giving each a day or 1/2 day through the summer of arranged free activities so it seems to be a common thing that they do for kids
I would not want to send a 7 yo that's quiet and sensitive away to a summer camp , I can remember going away to brownie camp when I was slightly older and it being hell to cope with
Maybe try your local riding school they might do own a pony days ? There might be some nice kids there
Hope you find a solution

You need to work on his confidence something drama based has really helped mine

Others are right st that age it tends to be parents who arrange mine had a handful of play dates but all but one involves me and his sister too socialising together (and the one that doesn’t is because I am looking after a friend and his sister for the day for a friend)

The common denominator though is me and my friends I wonder if you finding a friend with a similar age child is a way forward too

Have you thought about a drama school?

This was great for my own nephew. He really blossomed and made loads of friend. My niece also loved it.

At that age you still have to arrange play dates for them. My Dd will talk to friends about coming over here / going to them but it doesn't count until I hear it from the parent. I have to put myself out there to get to know the parents before arranging the playdate. Worst case scenario send a note in school bag. Over the holidays people are busy. Do the odd holiday club day, the council runs loads of events near us and maybe spend the time building his resilience. Next year you get in touch with his classmates patents and invite one friend over every few weeks. He'll soon make friends.

Have you any colleagues with similar age children? I have quite a few friends who also work in schools, we meet up with DC in the holidays and barely see each other when we're all back to work.

I just want to clarify, I am NOT saying most parents don’t work full time. Nor do I begrudge working full time. I love my job. I was, in fact, responding to someone telling me that most parents arrange play dates at school pick up at the school gates. Implying most people have that opportunity. In my own haphazard way I was saying that that isn’t the case and it’s unfair to assume most parents can. I think the phrase “most parents” and other sweeping generalisations should be avoided.
Furthermore, people need to get over the phone thing. He uses it to watch YouTube videos and play Pokemon. If that’s a reason for you to judge me as a parent, do bore off. It says nothing about me as a parent or him as a child. He certainly isn’t unique in having a phone. Many children in his class do. He uses it at home. It’s not like he’s sat in lessons snapchatting.
I also never said I expect my son to organise his social life. It was one example of him messaging a friend. I have signed him up for numerous clubs and regularly take him on days out. I message other parents and offer to take their children out with us or have them round for tea. I really am doing all I can think of.
I do appreciate the kind, constructive responses. I’ve been given lots of ideas and I’ve already emailed our local library about setting up a club based around a game my son really loves.

Im sorry OP, but that's another post that rather suggest what the problem may be. The first things anyone who wants to make friends needs to be is likable. It's not an entitlement.

If your son sees this is how you deal with people, is he doing the same?

No idea where you are but how about finding a choir for him. Church choirs (smaller cathedrals, abbeys and larger parish churches) start at 7 and require no previous experience, are really welcoming and whilst you have to not mind singing in church, they don't require them to be religious (one of my DD's is a sworn atheist but was a chorister until university). They are free and sometimes pay the kids to sing (a small amount). The kids have a great social life, even go on holiday (so called tour) each year.

Alternatively there's lots of community choirs but find one that's got a children's choir rather than just allows them.

op, I think people have mentioned the phone thing because it sounds as though the only contact that has been made with (who you say is) his only/best friend is via his phone. People have quite rightly pointed out that there are lots of reasons his friend may not have replied and it's worth you trying to make contact with this child's parent.

I know you've said you have no contact info for them, so that's something to rectify when you get the chance.

I don't think anyone has been anything other than helpful on this thread. You are obviously at the end of your tether and incredibly sensitive and upset about it so please understand you are misjudging some of th comments.

Try a church summer club, they’re usually great fun (and free).

At 7, my kids didn’t really meet friends over the summer. I find most people do their own thing with families. 7 yr olds are quite happy to hang out with their mums.
Just relax about the holidays and plan things to do for you and him. Do you have family you can visit?
Go on day trips, parks, swimming, bike rides, picnics.
There are things like a butterfly count you can get involved in.

I would also suggest to sign him up for cubs/scouts. He’ll make friends there and learn some fab skills.

Are you lonely op?

Seeing my own ds, I would want to be sure

• doe she REALLY want friends around or does he like the idea of having friends around (aka does he feel he is missing out because he thinks thats what is supposed to happen or does he genuinely want to hve friends round)

• Are you sure its him and not you who sees that as an issue? I remember feeling gutted that dc2 didnt have friends round. However, HE didnt really want friends. He is happy in his own company so it wasnt as much of an issue as it appeared to ME.

• Not all children have friends during the holidays for the reasons you mentioned. parents working, being away in hols etc... My dcs have never had friends coming durig the school hols because they are always away. Usually to their grandparents or with us. As a result, they have some very exciting holidays that dot involve friends from school. But exciting and enjoyable nevertherless. They didnt miss out iyswim

My advice would be to stop concentrating on the what isnt going well (the friends round) and make it an enjoyable times in other ways. Clubs are a god idea bt also doing things with him, going to see family etc... All the things you cant do during term times and that are still really exciting for a 7yo

Op I mean this kindly, relax a little.
Not being able to sleep because of this is excessive, and suggests you are focusing too much on this.

Ds will be fine, he is seven! Most children have stages in life where they have lots of friends or very few. This is how it is.
You don’t need to fix it. Simply arrange some fun days out, and let him enjoy being at home. It is supposed to be a break from school etc.
People are busy/tired in the holidays, it’s not personal.
Next academic year ask children over regularly, every fortnight or so. Then as the holidays approach you can arrange a few get together in advance. I suggest you write off this summer if you have done all you can, and focus on evolving a small group of friends next term.

Don’t take it personally, and definitely don’t teach your son that he has anything to worry about. Just make some plans now that will naturally involve other children re adventure parks/play parks/lidos etc, and then he is at least mixing with other children.

OP, have you considered that these parents might be avoiding you because you seem very highly strung?

Take him to the park.

I know lots of 7 year olds with a phone. Don't worry about that. But, yeah, you do need to kind of facilitate the meet ups more. After school clubs can be good.

Who picks him up?

Ps my dc actively don’t want tons of play dates. They want to spend time with family and hang out at home. Many children need a proper break from school.

I think a lot of your anxiety is rubbing off onto your son.

Behave how you would want him to behave. A more positive mindset, and watch the effects with glee.

Does he like LEGO or stem activities? There are often LEGO or coding clubs in local communities. My little boy loves LEGO club, he is not shy but a lot of the wee kids there are and love LEGO club because it’s not Rugby or something more sporty or extroverted