Please help me help my son...

[Sonia84]

My son is 7 and very lonely. He is kind, sensitive, polite and generous, but he’s always struggled to make friends and summer holidays are breaking my heart. He’s desperate to go out and play and meet up with friends, but he just has nobody. There are a couple of people in his class who live near us but they a bit too rough and boisterous for him. They’re also prone to being quite mean to him so he’s given up trying to be friends with them. Our neighbour’s children have bullied him in the past. I’ve tried to arrange play dates with other parents, but everyone is working or on holiday. His only friend from school is ignoring his messages.
I feel so sad for him not being able to go out and play.
I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position? I’ve posted on the local thread to see if anyone near me would like to meet up but I don’t know if it will work.
Or if not, does anyone have suggestions? He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low. I just want him to have fun and be happy. All he wants are some friends.

Sorry for the sob story, I don’t know what else to do.

Thank you for your kind response. I will definitely look into your suggestions :)

I have to be honest you sound very intense as if you see yourself as very hard done to during even very normal on line interaction and I can't see anyone being patronising or condescending on this thread. If you're behaving over your son and social life as you are on this thread then I think you really need to look at that in yourself and consider if your son may be absorbing your anxieties and stress.

Oh and lots of parents work full time.

Have you thought about a drama school? I know lots run summer activities and day courses that also teach about production and lighting for example, if he is not keen on the acting side? Great way to meet and make some friends. It's not easy working full time and not picking up from school as you don't get to meet the other parents. I totally sympathise.

Nobody has been rude to you, people have been trying to help.

It is true that most people do not give their children mobile phones until they are about 10/11 so it is rare for them to have one at 7. At that age they are not mature enough to remember to charge them or check them. The other family may well have removed them from the child as well.
It is nothing to do with iPads.

And the majority of families work full time so you are like most parents. I brought my son up on my own and work full time (he is older).

Re read the thread and have a think where people have been rude!

Unfortunately you are taking the advice as criticism, which is very unfortunate as that makes communication hard.

This is not criticism but I do think you should consider this point: If you're behaving over your son and social life as you are on this thread then I think you really need to look at that in yourself and consider if your son may be absorbing your anxieties and stress

It happens all the time in all kinds of parenting situations. My sister-in-law and her friends moved a lot with their children. I always understood that it was upsetting for children to be moved a lot, but they found that as long as they weren't stressed about the idea, the children didn't get stressed either.

I think a bit of tough love is required here. I work full time and have separated from 5yo DS’s dad. Because we both have to work, he has to go to holiday camps, usually where he knows no one to start with. Luckily because we are in a city, there is plenty of choice. I make him a packed lunch he will like, and send him with a favourite toy in his bag so he knows he has something familiar there. And he just has to get on with it.

Sometimes there has been a bit of a wobble when I have dropped him off, but he has always been absolutely fine when I have picked him up, has met different people and tried new things. He can be very shy, and he would prefer not to go to these things, but needs must, and he is clearly proud of himself for being a brave big boy to go all by himself. I think a lot depends on your attitude; if you tell him he is shy and nervous, he will be internalising that. A can do attitude and talking positively about the things he will do there goes a long way.

Local library often has a noticeboard showing what’s on in your area. Not sure if the Hoop app is used everywhere? That is also v good for holiday camps

As the parent of a 7 year old, our summer plans will involve a few play dates (arranged by me), and a couple of art/music camps. But other than that my dc will be hanging out me me (lucky them). We don’t live somewhere where kids “play out” and at any one time in the summer most of their friends will be away or at camp anyway.

Sounds like a good idea to encourage your son to go to a camp that he’s interested in, be really positive, don’t show him how worried you are and next term try to organise an after school play date once a week/fortnight.

I’m sorry you feel grilled about your son having a phone. I will admit that if a child at my dc’s school had a phone age 7 I would internally make some assumptions (sorry). I understand your reason, but we also have no tablets etc and I wouldn’t dream of giving my dc an old phone unless it was purely to play games at home. Very much not the norm for primary school age children to be messaging each other.

Have you tried asking his teacher who he plays with, who seems to really like him, who else might be a bit lonely and up for friendship, what club or activity is best attended?

The sad truth is that many parents will become friends from chatting at the school gates, from bumping into each other at after school clubs, from helping out on trips, providing reciprocal after school childcare/play dates. Sometimes these arrangements are made spontaneously, on the same day, as the kids walk out of class together.

You are unable to do that because you work full time. There are a great many parents in that same position. But it does not mean that the other parents or kids are being unkind (and your comment about ignoring messages does suggest some chippiness). It just means that you are 'out of sight, out of mind' and have to work a little bit harder.

A scattergun approach of random play dates is unlikely to work because you might be inviting kids who already have a tight group of mates and their mums cba with even more commitments.

Popping up in school holidays after being absent all term is unlikely to work - and I'm not suggesting you are doing this btw.

The trick imo is to identify who he plays with and invite them regularly. Do the fun things that other parents don't want to do - several friends at once, an exciting day out, a little party to celebrate the start of the holidays.

Keep doing it even if it isn't initially reciprocated, because your ds is enjoying himself and strengthening friendships through shared experiences.Chat to the other parents when they pick their kid up from your house, so that it's not weird to ask whether they fancy a park trip in the holidays.

And ditch his phone as a communication advice. Other parents won't like it.

A complete diversion but no 7 year old needs a phone.

My 7 year old has few summer play dates. I organised the ones she does have.

Working is tough when the dcs are at school. Are you a single parent? I understand as a teacher it’s difficult to do school runs unless you go part time, but what about his dad? By working 4 days a week I made a concerted effort to find out who my dcs friend’s parents were and gradually built up some contacts.

I did have the tendency to over worry about how popular ds was. But that was my own anxieties coming to the fore.

You mention friends who were too rough/mean. So he does have friends. In time he’ll adjust his friendship group and make better ones. Just try and avoid projecting your fears onto him.

What happens with the clubs you sign him up to? Does he go to them?

I don’t think anyone is being rude to you OP, or judging you. People are just offering the advice you specifically asked for. Just because you don’t agree with that advice, doesn’t mean it’s judgmental.

I’m another who agrees 7 is too young to be making social plans on his own phone. I’m not criticising you for the fact that he has a phone, I just think from a purely practical perspective, 7 year olds aren’t going to be the best at making these kinds of plans and you might get better results from calling the other child’s mum to arrange something.

Ok so I mean this with the utmost respect and compassion for you ... excellent variety of advice by previous posters .... my thoughts having gone through this myself and also being a full time working outside the home mother

1. 7 year old boys rarely have the social skills to successfully arrange a social life
2. You need to follow up with the parents almost always
3. He needs arranged activities outside school ... doesn't have to be sport ... art, drama, book club, chess, cooking ... whatever floats his boat

I can't stress this enough - the best way for him to make friends is to do things he actually likes doing and he will then meet others who like doing the same things - it requires you to engineer these opportunities

If you find he has trouble taking advantage of opportunities to make friends there are some excellent books where you role play with him about how to make friends - my son found this helpful as not everyone has those skills naturally - if you want me to suggest some books I'm happy to

Finally stop the self guilt on working - most people need to work - it's a fact of life - you are providing for you son - accept it and move on

I think you need to back off and leave this to resolve itself.

Take the summer as a welcome relief for both of you from these anxieties and make the most of having time that you can spend together.

If you're behaving over your son and social life as you are on this thread then I think you really need to look at that in yourself and consider if your son may be absorbing your anxieties and stress

This. You seem to be taking all sorts of offence at polite, constructive advice.

If you're behaving over your son and social life as you are on this thread then I think you really need to look at that in yourself and consider if your son may be absorbing your anxieties and stress

This. You seem to be taking all sorts of offence at polite, constructive advice.

I couldn't agree more.

It's utterly unrealistic to expect a 7&8 year old to organise their own social lives so I very much doubt your son is being "ignored".

More likely options are: the other boy doesn't even have a phone or he has simply not checked it and if he has the likelihood of your son saying "hi Fred want to come to play tomorrow" is low. Again, even f he had no mother is going to send an 8 year old over without an arrangement with the parents.

I'm afraid I agree with others that you sound very intense and unreasonably anxious.

You're not in the slightest bit unusual being a working mum, plenty of us manage and your responses to entirely reasonable feedback is odd.

Surely if you're a full time teacher you know a bit about how kids work?! I do not know a single 7 year old with a phone that they use for messaging - a few have them without SIM cards for games etc but there is no way I'd let a child that age communicate like that.

My DC is a similar age & I would not let them meet up with someone whose parents/carers I hadn't met or who has such different boundaries to mine.

Activities wise - spend time in your local park & kids gravitate together. Libraries have things on. Most holiday sports/art/music camps do half day sessions so worse case scenario is that he does a few hours & hates it. You need to push him a bit out if his comfort zone.

Also stop with the full time work self pity. A lot of us do it & that's just the way it is.

If you’re a teacher then think how you’d tackle this problem at school. Don’t let him see your emotions about this or like it’s a big deal, try and have the ‘pick yourself up and dust yourself off’ attitude.

You clearly feel very sorry for your son (which is understandable) but as pp said try not to let him know you feel like this.

Use the holidays to visit places, if possible get him into activities. My daughter can be reserved (as I was) but I try to gently but firmly push her into things as I see my life would have been easier if I hadn’t been so easily overwhelmed by others.

Then next term invite other children around to play or take them to the cinema or park with you. Work on getting him friends way in advance for next summer.

Surely, as a ‘teacher’, you will have come across children with similar temperaments to your son.
Don’t make him think he has/ is a problem.
Loads of good advice upthread for ideas. My DD copes well with organised (sometimes last minute so she doesn’t have to worry about it) home based play dates or outings with ONE friend at a time. More than that and she FEELS pushed out if they don’t all agree all the time.

Another vote for summer clubs/activities, they don't need to be sport (a lot seem to advertise as sport / outdoor), some art galleries have summer events.

Do you know any reliable teenagers? When you are 7 nothing feels better than being out with an older child. Perhaps a trip to a cinema with a couple of teens - you pay for the cinema and ice cream.

Is there an 'adopt a granny' scheme near you?

Geocaching? You would have to go with him but I'm sure there will be other children to run in to.

Is pokemon go still a thing?

I agree with the others - the friend probably doesn’t have access to his mobile phone during the holidays. And are most likely not allowed to text others who the parent hasn’t met.
my introvert 6 year old does beavers, so has met friends there , and athletics.
But its the parents who organize that (i work fulltime and don’t do pick up or drop off, so its hard!)

Library book club, drama classes, music classes, individual sports such as judo or athletics- loads of options for less extrovert kids

I don’t think the OP is coming back. Wonder why