Please help me help my son...

[Sonia84]

My son is 7 and very lonely. He is kind, sensitive, polite and generous, but he’s always struggled to make friends and summer holidays are breaking my heart. He’s desperate to go out and play and meet up with friends, but he just has nobody. There are a couple of people in his class who live near us but they a bit too rough and boisterous for him. They’re also prone to being quite mean to him so he’s given up trying to be friends with them. Our neighbour’s children have bullied him in the past. I’ve tried to arrange play dates with other parents, but everyone is working or on holiday. His only friend from school is ignoring his messages.
I feel so sad for him not being able to go out and play.
I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position? I’ve posted on the local thread to see if anyone near me would like to meet up but I don’t know if it will work.
Or if not, does anyone have suggestions? He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low. I just want him to have fun and be happy. All he wants are some friends.

Sorry for the sob story, I don’t know what else to do.

I’m a single parent teacher OP.

7 year olds having a phone with with internet and messaging access is a terrible idea. I hope he’s very closely supervised whilst on it.

I’d second encouraging joining clubs - even if he’s a bit anxious at first, pushing through that and enjoying it will boost his confidence. If there’s a local junior park run near you, they are a great way to come into contact with other kids (you can run with him) and many of them end with lots of kids all playing in the local playpark.

Re school pick up - I know it’s hard, but if this is affecting your child as much as you describe, arrange with your own school to finish early a couple of days so you can pick him up, and approach parents of kids you know he likes at school. Exchange numbers. You literally only have to be there a few times. That’s what I had to do - I do understand it’s tricky when you work in schools though!

The one thing I learnt quickly: children will take the lead from you, and if you are happy and upbeat, indifferent. They will be the same.
If you are hand wringing, sleepless nights and feeling anxious, your child will be very worried too.

He has you, he is seven, he sounds very loved and cared for. Accept the things we can not change, and move on with a fun list of things he would love to do ☀️

OP I think you're getting a hard time on here. You just wanted some advice not a critique of your parenting choices.
My DD has come out of primary with few proper friendships. I have done all those things people are suggesting. I stopped making an effort a couple of years back as none of the invites were reciprocated.
DD is by nature quiet and happy to spend time alone. She never has any nastiness directed towards her. It's more a case of being overlooked. She is I would say an introvert. DS is 2 years younger and I have not made as much effort for him and he's pretty popular with everyone. So I don't think you have done anything wrong, it's down to personality.
Boys are rough so sporty boys do better initially. But I do think quieter boys find their thing as they mature.
Good ideas mentioned - camping is great fun, YHA have things going on over the summer, National Trust have activity days for free once you're a member. What about a drama club? We have cheap one in our village. Also try to find things with kids not from school.
Don't take comments about resilience to heart. It's easy to make those comments if your child is confident.

I think the phone thing has been a miscommunication, by saying his friend ignored his messages most posters thought he must be attempting to organise his own social life. These comments were based on this, not attacks.

Things you can try: a play date with multiple children, or an email/WhatsApp/FB message to the whole class suggesting a picnic or "I saw x was on, shall we try and get a group together?" When there, talk about next week, " we wanted to see the lion king too, how about Tuesday?" Nail things down, take the lead. In my DCs class, one parent posted about a great deal at the trampoline place, lots of class bought pass and there are a couple of "I'm going today at 5pm," style messages each week. Approx 5 kids have been every time we've been.

If your son is shy and play dates are hard going for both kids, take a little control, set them up painting or a treasure hunt or something. Free play will come later, but he needs to have fun/be less anxious first. My shy DD is a little older and only starting to get it now, it's been hard work but it's paid off.

If you have young engineers or an Apple shop near you, you could try robotics camp. Look at set activities at museums and libraries. If you see the same child at two things, then you can chat to them/the parent (obvs this is an unwritten rule I've observed!)

Just getting out each day will really help, it gives him more conversation when he does make friends and pushes him out his comfort zone a little. Good luck!!

Does your son have any cousins local he can meet up with? I also agree in signing him up for clubs. My oldest was like yours and we signed him up for beavers and he's now 8 and loves it. Made some new friends and he even plays out with some of the neighbours now.

Hi op. I'm older and my DC are adults now. I feel for you. I was on my own until DS1 was 8/9 and I worked full time which wasn't quite so common then, at least I felt in a minority. He was ok socially, but we had a bad year around year 3, when for a number of reasons there was a falling out amongst the friendship group and DS1 became isolated. We just accepted that it was me and him for a the foreseeable, and did lots together when I was around. Also, at the time, neighbours kids really came into their own...I'm not sure if you have any nearby? There was one particular lad from the next block, younger than DS1 by a year but they formed a bond and played in his or my place without me having to make specific arrangements. Weekends were really difficult though, and I used to get hurt by the remark, (from playground Mums), "We like to do things as a family at the weekend" when I tried to arrange Sat or Sun playdates (this, even before the falling out), so we just did stuff together and he went to an ice skating club on Saturday mornings. Also, now I think of it, I used to socialise a little with work colleagues who had DC and that was a source of time to spend with other children.
DS2, had a personality much more like your DS...kind, sensitive, gentle and disliked football. He played a lot with girls but around year 2, there was a polarisation which is probably normal, and the girls wanted just to be with the girls and the boys were into football and play fighting. DS2 was ever so lonely at that point even though he had a sister and they played together at home. I really do endorse PPs suggestions of joining a children's theatre group. It was the making of DS2 and he stayed and performed with them until he left school and went away to university. It was highly inclusive and had a zero tolerance for teasing and bullying. He discovered music as well as other aspects of performance and playing in ensembles was really social and fun. Nearer to year 6 things did get so much better as he and the other boys matured, and he established more friendships.There were opportunities such as running the class newspaper and sitting on the school council which he was good at and this helped form friendships on the basis of shared activity in school. Secondary school again opened loads more opportunities for friendships as it was bigger. He got involved in the things he liked...music, choir, volunteering in the library, film club etc. and made new friends based on a shared interest.
Take heart.

My DS 10 frequently ignores messages from best friends and his dad sometimes, he’s just not interested in typing messages so I wouldn’t take that personally, maybe ask the little boy to get his mums number so you can invite him over?

Do you teach at the same school as your son OP?

Hi @Sonia84
when at a playground / at a beach does your son ever get swept into games or playing with other children or would you say he hangs back from the crowd.
I know some children seem to always 'make friends' in these situations and for others it's harder. It is a learning process though, a balance between being interesting and fun but also being interested and open to others' games.
It's difficult when you're shy and don't feel able to say "can I join in." Maybe you could see some seeds of how he can get better at this just casually over dinner. Just mentioning how most children love it when others join in with them etc.
An alternative would be to buy a really cool toy or accessory which will draw children to wanting to play with him at the park etc. Something like a stomp rocket. Again you can subtly suggest how others might want to join in and if they do it's nice to offer them a turn.
Just helping him learn how to reach out really.
Having said that, try to not make him feel under pressure to make friends in case it doesn't work out.

I was also wondering if there are any bush craft camps running near you over the summer. It might be something he enjoys? Then going forward making send in the woods could be something he enjoys on his own but also an activity you could specifically invite a friend to do together. You might even be lucky enough to grab the number of a couple of the parents there and organise an outing to the woods.
Good luck OP he will get there!

My DD is the same op.

She's actually quite popular at school and has friends but the mums are cliquey bitches and their children only socialize with the children of their friends.

I'm sending her to sports camp...she is shy too but luckily is going with her big brother who will look after her.

I can relate. My DS was like this. We did a lot of stuff together, I'm a TA so also get the school holidays. I now look back with very fond memories of those summers, we actually had some great times together. I think its fab you have the holidays with him, shoving him into a summer camp would probably do more harm than good if he's anything like my DS used to be.
It will happen in its own time, mine is 15 now and has a wide circle of friends. He's still not out all day every day with them and spends a fair amount of time at home with us, but he's happy and well adjusted. They all get there OP, sometimes you just have to make the best of what you have in the moment

former it has been the same for DD. It was the parents who dictated who they wanted their kids to hang out with. We apparently aren't cool enough!
Luckily the year 4 parents aren't like that. I think it's luck of the draw sometimes.

He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low.

I would think this is a chicken and egg situation. If you sign him up to clubs and then let him not go/ drop out it will confirm in his mind that he is too shy/ useless to do it.

In your shoes I'd choose him an activity you are pretty sure will suit him eventually and then support him through the anxious phase. His confidence will only improve if you help him to master his nerves and see that he can actually cope.

I’d be the first to defend anyone who is being bullied on aibu. You’re not. You’re very defensive though. This won’t help you or your son to grow as a people. Other people have different opinions and that’s ok isn’t it. Just chill out a bit. I’ll be honest your posts read so angry and defensive to me.

Just an idea (I know it’s too late for the holidays) but ask your son to pass your number to a friend at school to arrange play dates. My daughter is in year 5 and she took my number in for a girl who wanted her to come round after school. Her mum messaged me, worked well.

Sounds like you have some good ideas on here, good luck with them!

@converseandjeans

Yep, luck of the draw completely. Ds is in a,lovely class were I get on with all the parents.

Dd is the opposite. The other mums seem to loathe me...I'm pretty normal and friendly...I don't drown puppies in my spare time or flirt with their husband's so God knows what its about?!

@Sonia84 I recognise your worries. I really don’t like the school holidays because I find them really quite lonely. Everybody else seems to be off having fabulous days out with millions of friends and I just don’t have that. BUT if I ever did get invited to something I would spend the build up in a torment of anxiety.

I’ve now realised I’m an introvert and find the company of others quite hard work and am far happier with one-to-one situations.

I used to worry so much about my DCs being lonely over the holidays but I’ve come to the conclusion that they are probably introverted too and that is absolutely fine. They have got a couple of things lined up and DC1 is now 13 and arranging for one or two friends to come round (often without bothering to check if it’s convenient first!) but I still worry that he is being left out when I see groups of kids from his school out and about and he’s sat at home. They both like being at home and I’ve realised there’s no point in forcing them to do activities etc because they get nothing out of it.

He plays pokemon go and you are a teacher so you have the holidays off right?
There is your summer sorted right there. Get it on your phone as well if you don't already have it and join the local discord pokemon group (you not him) Then you can go to raids and join in raid hours etc he should meet some other pokemon friendly kids and you can spend your time walking them around the local area whilst they spin stops and catch pokemon.
Plus there is also a team rocket thing this summer thats going on so lots to do and hopefully he can meet some friends.

Have you been to the library yet? They will do a summer challenge and ours is doing crafts a different one each week. Lots of kids at these
What else is on at your local places our museum has got other bits on and you can get chatting to other mums at these places maybe some will be in a similar situation.

Can you take him to the local park or soft play?

Take a book and let him make friends. If he likes them you could smile at the parent and say something like, it's great to see them getting on so well, do you come to this park often? I'm coming back on x day if your DS/DD is around to come back then?

Would that work?

Would he go to Beavers? It's great for making friends and building confidence

Throw a whole class party. Collect contact numbers of parents before they leave the DC with you At this age, if you want them to meet up outside of school, you do need to do the arranging via the parents.

What are you childcare arrangements? Are there other children there he could meet up with or at other out of school activities? But really, just relax and enjoy being together for a few weeks.

Sports centre activity weeks
National Trust events
Church activity camps like this one www.kingscamps.org/

In the kindest possible way no one was rude to you that I could see. In fact even when you were a bit abrasive the poster calmly explained why they said what they did.

You need to think about your own social skills and sensitivity and whether they are a part of the problem? Again not meant in an unkind way. Is it possible people are avoiding dealing with you rather than your son. This is all something that can be fixed. Playground and class politics can be tricky to navigate as I'm sure you're aware as a teacher.

He doesn’t need to be great in sport to join a holiday club. DS joined a MultiSports holiday club at that age, when he was the same age. He was rubbish in team sport but he was ok on individual ones and being one of the youngest he was fussed by everyone. It really lifted his self esteem.

By the way, my son was rubbish in sports that involved teams (nobody would pass him the ball) but he is great in badminton, diving and climbing, so it may be a matter of trying other sports.

I feel for you op. I have an autistic dd who's 10, she can struggle socially.

What helped dd was I sent her outside to play on her scooter for a while, she saw a few kids out who live nearby and plucked the courage to talk to them.

She now has a few lovely friends , she had one over for tea the other day.