Please help me help my son...

[Sonia84]

My son is 7 and very lonely. He is kind, sensitive, polite and generous, but he’s always struggled to make friends and summer holidays are breaking my heart. He’s desperate to go out and play and meet up with friends, but he just has nobody. There are a couple of people in his class who live near us but they a bit too rough and boisterous for him. They’re also prone to being quite mean to him so he’s given up trying to be friends with them. Our neighbour’s children have bullied him in the past. I’ve tried to arrange play dates with other parents, but everyone is working or on holiday. His only friend from school is ignoring his messages.
I feel so sad for him not being able to go out and play.
I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position? I’ve posted on the local thread to see if anyone near me would like to meet up but I don’t know if it will work.
Or if not, does anyone have suggestions? He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low. I just want him to have fun and be happy. All he wants are some friends.

Sorry for the sob story, I don’t know what else to do.

Tbh I think we all focus way to much on socialising and friendships for kids - he’s 7, not 27! Focus on the things he likes doing and enjoy the time just the two of you. If he’s shy and sensitive he will probably enjoy a bit of decompression time/reading/playing/watching movies/drawing and colouring. There’s plenty of time for him to develop the (quite complex) skills needed for making friends as he grows up. School also offers ample opportunity for socialising - it’s perfectly fine for holidays just to be about down time and having fun with you.
Oh and yes a 7 year old should not have own phone - it’s a safeguarding question if it has internet connection. The fact you can’t afford an iPad is irrelevant - kids don’t “need” an apple device!

You said that you considered moving house so he could get a fresh start, but he wasn't keen to move. He's seven, seems to me you're not only unconsciously passing on your worries to him, you're outright telling him how worried you are.

What does he do while you're at work, if he's in childcare, surely theres other children there? So hopefully hes not sitting miserably wishing he'd someone to play with? Maybe he just wants to chill out at home and enjoy being home?

Finally when u say neighbours kids bullied him, what actually happened? Any chance they just didnt get on? You on this thread anyway, seem to over react to perceived criticism , when there isnt any, so is there any possibility that
he came in saying so and so was mean to him and you made it into more than it was? Probably not.

It is really hard, but as posters have said, when hes back in school make more effort to arrange playdates if you can, get him into some activity he likes, and be v v positive about it.

My dd was like this. What happened to her was, she was put in a class where a lot of the parents were friends. They all hung out together, so she felt isolated. I remember one of her parties where hardly anyone came.

It got better as she got older, but summer holidays are always a pain. People are away or busy, l just used to find stuff for her and me to do together.

She’s in Year 8 now and has a million friend

My son had no school friends around that age, he's very gentle and didn't like football so was excluded.

He was then really lucky - a new boy moved to school and decided my boy was great - the new boy was popular so my boy gained new friends that way. But I recognise that might not always happen. But things changed for him gradually through the years (the new boy left again) and he found other boys more like himself (only 2 but better than none).

He loved our local scout group and that was good for summer and holiday camping trips. He also loved drama / youth theatre clubs, and anything to do with nature (seem to be a lot of holiday activities in our area like going to ponds to hunt for bugs etc).

He's now 16 with a HUGE group of friends - I didn't think this would happen for him but it has. He's well-liked.

I know it sounds a bit mean but have you tried signing him up for holiday clubs, taking him and just leaving him there?

Some kids are always a bit shy, less confident at first but the more he goes the more confident he will become and will make new friends.

I second the library idea. Our library has Lego club for a couple of hours at weekends (big range of ages but definitely a few 7 year olds there). Always some parents around so you could chat to parents while the kids do Lego and see if there is scope to organise anything in the week if there's somebody he hits it off with. They also have kids movie afternoons once a month.

Similarly a summer holiday club may be good even if you don't need the childcare: would give you an opportunity to do the "school gate" thing outside school holidays. A lot of them allow you to just do a few days so you don't have to give up too much time with DS. Local church and community centre notice boards or online message boards are a good place to look.

And as PP said, local museums should be organising activities that you could do together and keep an eye out for potential kindred spirits: bug hunting, science experiments, history walks, etc.

Ok, I have a seven year old.
Most kids her age don’t play out yet and we live in a very safe rural village.
Dd just doesn’t have the road sense or good judgement for her to be able to play out.

Have you tried messaging a friend’s parent to say ‘we’re going to x attraction, would little Johnny like to join us?’ then picking their child up to take them somewhere.

But honestly, at 7, most kids are hanging out with their parents during the holiday. Make the most of it because it’s a giant pita in a couple of years when they don’t want to join you and want to play out with their friends instead.

Just engage him in activities with you. And invite friends for a couple of play dates.

If my seven year old received an invitation from a friend I wouldn’t respond until I’d heard from the parent. Even at 9 or 10 I’d expect the invitation to come from the other parent. It’s only secondary age, maybe top primary that they start messaging each other directly really.

I mean this really really kindly but is there something about your son that makes it hard for him to make/keep friends?

If it is something that can be worked on without letting on to him that that is what you are doing I suggest trying to do that alongside trying to organise things between parents rather than between kids.

7 is quite young TBH. He has along time to come out of his shell as it were.Why not take him to Beavers and maybe offer to stay and help?.Likewise Sunday School.These activities often attract a more well balanced child whose parents are more engaged with them .Try not to worry about him too much ( doesnt come easily I know!)or he may pick up on it .If you are off for the Summer, go on picnics /walks together as well) find out what he may wish to get involved with?.If he is not forthcoming then try not to push it too much, and just take time to relax together .

Activity clubs and sessions where the focus is not social but friendships can perhaps be made gently along the way. Church play schemes are usually well supervised with some small group/ team activities- where a quiet word with leaders to help him integrate might be beneficial. You don't have to be religious-though obviously there is usually a religious theme and perhaps religious music / prayers...
No too many options - you need to have a chat with him about how he might need to go out of his comfort zone just a little if he wants to have friends.
What are his interests? He needs to find somebody a bit like himself.

I think you need to contact his friends Mum and arrange a play date there's no way that young boys are capable of doing this in my view and you two will have to check with each other to ensure the details are OK anyway so you might as well bite the bullet

7 and he had a phone sorry but being ignored etc is only going to feel worse if he has a phone that's madness who does he call if he has no friends ? ...my 7 year old wouldn't know what to do with a bloody phone....anyway my advice would be get him involved in any clubs etc keep him busy with trips out even just to the park...it is sad I'm lucky my boys are 7 and 8 and have each other does he not have any cousins or other family you could arrange stuff with?

Gosh - you are pretty intense - lots of parents are single parents working full time who do not make it to pick up time. But are still able to contact other parents using normal methods. You seem very stressed - don't make it worse for your son by him seeing you like this.

I would suggest riding lessons, drama school, tennis lessons etc.

And agree it should be YOU arranging things I'd be a bit 😳 if a 7 year old was contacting my child off their own back...

People are saying you seem a little intense about this and your 7 identical posts today add weight to that.

Take a deep breath and join well staffed activities. Where staff organise small groups, drama etc would be great.

You're a teacher so you have another few weeks of holidays with him. Check your local Facebook for kids' summer activities. My local shopping centre has a "town beach" starting this week. Go to the park with him, take a picnic, a football and some other toys (e.g. kite, frisbee, cricket set) and spend a few hours there. Other kids will want to join in, and will want him to join in with their games. Take him to the pub with the best kids' play area one evening, eat there and let him play, in this weather there will be loads of other kids there.

You sound very intense; my concern is that the other friendships your son had (boisterous kid etc) have been vetoed by you. I'm sorry if that's not the case but you sound very emotional and over invested in this. If you're a teacher, you are on summer hols now; do you have any friends with children? 7 year olds will generally play with anyone! If you took him to the park / swings etc, he would doubtless chat to other children.

Try local youth clubs? Very affordable

@Sonia84 wrf? With due respect you come on here asking for help then have an attitude when posters offer advice.

My god i think your anxiety needs addressing. Get yourself to your GP and get some help. How dare you be so dam rude to posters trying to help. And your not like any other parent because you work full time? Oh please. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Lots of woman on here work full time, me included, and my son is 8. Yabu

@Sonia84 where abouts do you live? I have a son around the same age as yours

@WomanLikeMeLM read all my posts. I’ve clearly said I’m like many parents because I work full time.

@MamaOfBothTeams Yorkshire