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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please help me help my son...

172 replies

Sonia84 · 24/07/2019 03:59

My son is 7 and very lonely. He is kind, sensitive, polite and generous, but he’s always struggled to make friends and summer holidays are breaking my heart. He’s desperate to go out and play and meet up with friends, but he just has nobody. There are a couple of people in his class who live near us but they a bit too rough and boisterous for him. They’re also prone to being quite mean to him so he’s given up trying to be friends with them. Our neighbour’s children have bullied him in the past. I’ve tried to arrange play dates with other parents, but everyone is working or on holiday. His only friend from school is ignoring his messages.
I feel so sad for him not being able to go out and play.
I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position? I’ve posted on the local thread to see if anyone near me would like to meet up but I don’t know if it will work.
Or if not, does anyone have suggestions? He’s too shy for sports clubs and things like that. His self esteem and confidence are so low. I just want him to have fun and be happy. All he wants are some friends.

Sorry for the sob story, I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
MamaOfBothTeams · 24/07/2019 11:46

Oh bit far I'm in East Sussex hopefully someone on here is nearer

Pinktinker · 24/07/2019 11:47

My 9 year old is the same. Very kind, gentle and lovely. He loves gaming, hates sports (aside from swimming) and has always struggled to form friendships with boys who tend to be quite boisterous.

He goes to swimming lessons every week which have helped his confidence levels and he does a coding club at the local library (basically learning to be a hacker Wink) which has also helped.

You don’t need to have an abundance of friends in life but it’s obviously nice to at least have one. Have you thought about cubs? I have considered it for my DS that’s all.

Heymummee · 24/07/2019 11:52

My son always hated the idea of play schemes and summer clubs. We took him anyway, and at times it was awful seeing how worried he was about it, but once he had been for a day and made a friend the next day was so much easier, until he actually couldn’t wait to go. He made friends this way. Many of his school friends would be away for summer. With both parents working full time we had absolutely no choice but to use these outside provisions for care all summer.
He’s going to feel nervous and apprehensive, but it’s an important lesson for children to learn too. There’s no harm in him being out of his comfort zone, overcome those worries and see that it all works out ok in the end.
Like other posters have said, at that age it’s up to us as parents to arrange play dates and you can’t rely on a child to do this themselves.
I agree it’s heartbreaking if you feel he’s lonely, but at the same time you are in control here and there are things you can do about it.

Mintjulia · 24/07/2019 11:53

I work full time and don’t make friends at the school gate like others. Ds goes to a school 3 miles away so class mates are a bit scattered.
I made up some cards with my email address & phone number on, and told my ds if he wants to organise a play date, to give the other kid one of the cards for his mum, and I’ll ring her. It’s worked at school & holiday club, so maybe try that.

We do swimming lessons and a martial arts class at the weekend so he meets more people.

But I do need to act as social sectetary or my ds would never go anywhere.

Catsandchardonnay · 24/07/2019 11:56

You’re a teacher and you let your 7 year old son watch YouTube videos? Really?

Anyway, some good suggestions on here OP, my son is 16 and has never really played out much, and until fairly recently has relied on some involvement from me to organise his social life. You say other parents can’t meet up because they’re working, could you offer to have their DC for the day?

munemema · 24/07/2019 12:07

Cats, that's ridiculous. There's all sorts on You Tube, under supervision, it's an excellent way for DC to look things up. I'd almost guarantee your child's teacher is using it in class.

Hearthside · 24/07/2019 12:10

OP my DD is 3 yrs older and has always been a tomboy her closest friend is a boy , invites to meet up are always arranged between us parents so as others have said it may well be worth messaging one of the parents suggesting a meet up such as a park or swimming etc .I know you said he is shy but have you thought of a martial art like ju jitsu .Reason i say this my DD was crippling shy and would worry about any new situation. Fast forward 2yrs after starting ju jitsu her confidence has soared, even teachers say the change is amazing. For her to walk into her first grading into a room full of children she didn't know took her a lot but she did it and hasn't looked back since .Just a thought op .You have had some excellent suggestions on here .Good luck .

Snoopdogsbitch · 24/07/2019 12:21

As other pps have said, in my area there is Lego club,robotics club, reading club, nature club, outdoor activity club as well as the church mornings and usual sports camps.

The library usually has info on them all or get googling.

I know it's very hard - I have a 7 year old with additional needs and he finds making and keeping friends very difficult. I'm also a teacher so rarely get to the school gate to forge other parental contacts, but there is a Facebook group for his year which I find great, check if there's one.

Good luck.

Loudlady34 · 24/07/2019 12:39

Are you in your first week off school or have you been off longer?
I have an 8 year old, he's not seen any friends yet or played out. He'll probably see his friends maybe 2 or 3 times over the whole 6 weeks off.
The summer holidays are not like they used to be. Most parents are at work so the kids are at clubs or grandparents, or they are away on holiday. We live on a large housing estate and it's completely silent the kids just aren't here

thecatinthetwat · 24/07/2019 12:46

I would take him to things that parents can be there for. Then you help him engage with the other kids, chat to them yourself, point things out , like oh look at that boy there, he’s good at climbing isn’t he, like you etc.

Also, watch him in the park and see what he’s doing socially. Is he making some simple mistakes?

I sympathise, with the local kids we’ve met they are rough and don’t play very nicely. My son doesn’t like it and I think it’s gotten him off to a bad start. We visit the places where we tend to notice kids playing more similarly to my son eg events at local park and botanic gardens. Etc.

I think he’s going to need some extra help by the sounds of it, but you can do these things at weekends.

MauritiusNext · 24/07/2019 12:51

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hellodarkness · 24/07/2019 13:10

You've got loads of advice here op. Hopefully at least some of it will be useful.

FWIW the attitude of 'I'm doing everything right' really just gives the impression that you think that the other parents/children are at fault.

Your 'his friend ignored his texts' comment exacerbated this IMO.

If you really are doing everything then you just need to persevere and spend lots of time doing lovely things together.

GoFiguire · 24/07/2019 13:10

I’m so sorry I work full time and therefore am not like most parents.

Posted at 6.03am OP - so you didn’t say that you were like most parents.

AMAM8916 · 24/07/2019 13:52

Hi, I think if you try to make friends with another mum or dad and they have kids around the same age as your son, this is where he'll make bonds with children as you have a bond with their parents.

What about looking on Facebook and finding your local mum/community page and just writing a post like does anyone fancy meeting up at X place with their kids on X day for a game of rounders, football etc.

There will be a lot of people in the same boat as you and struggling to entertain their kids due to a lack of social connections. 7 is a hard age. They can't really keep in touch other than going to each others doors or having the parents arrange the meet ups.

If you get responses to your post, once it's arranged and you're there, be forward in saying is it ok if I add you on Facebook/take your number to arrange more activities? Since you're a teacher and have the holidays off, you're in a good position to say you can have a couple of kids round to play in your garden. Whack a paddling pool out and offer the parents to stay for coffee

AMAM8916 · 24/07/2019 13:56

I just wanted to add as well that losing sleep over it just shows you're a good mum and worried about your son. Him having a phone as well to use for games, YouTube and the odd message to a friend isn't out of the ordinary either

motherofcats81 · 24/07/2019 14:18

People aren't judging you for giving your child a phone OP, they are just suggesting that his friend may not be receiving the messages. It's something worth investigating if your son is upset by the lack of response.

Original poster
Sonia84 · 24/07/2019 16:00

@GoFiguire it was in direct response to someone telling me most parents swap numbers at the school gates. Clearly my response was sarcastic and absolutely not worth all the vitriol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sonia84 · 24/07/2019 16:01

@hellodarkness I never said I’m doing everything right. I said I’m doing everything I can think of and therefore I asked for advice as clearly I haven’t thought of everything. I have for some fantastic responses and ideas and I’m grateful for these.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sonia84 · 24/07/2019 16:04

@motherofcats81please read the messages I was sent again. People are clearly judging me for the fact my son has a phone.
Also, as I’m with my son, and check his phone constantly, I do feel I’m best placed to understand the situation with his friend and people should ask “why do you think he’s ignoring him?” (Which nobody did) rather than telling me he isn’t. It’s also completely irrelevant to the point of the post.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 24/07/2019 16:24

Good point op, why do you think he is ignoring him?

VanGoghsDog · 24/07/2019 16:56

And ditch his phone as a communication advice. Other parents won't like it.

If that's true then the other 7 year olds won't have phones either and he will have no-one to communicate with, so easy to deal with!

Geschwister4 · 24/07/2019 17:02

TBF It is the first week of the holidays for most, lots of families go away as soon as school finishes, but they will be coming back in a few weeks, so maybe some of his friends who are away now will be available for play dates in a few weeks.

I never saw my school friends during the holiday as I lived quite a way from the catchment of the school and most people hang around with others in the local area. It never affected my school friendships, we all just fell back in with each other once school started again. I spent a lot of the summer with my Mum and Grandparents, just pottering around. It was nice to get time to spend with my family with no school. I don't think your son will miss out on much (I am shy myself so can relate)

WomanLikeMeLM · 24/07/2019 20:14

Hmm And you are a teacher? Really?

You are extremely rude, Ott and over sensitive. I hope you are not this offended in the workplace or in real life. You asked for advice but have jumped on many posters who gave it.

And no a 7 year old does not need a mobile phone.

Original poster
Sonia84 · 24/07/2019 22:44

@WomanLikeMeLM yes. I am a teacher. And a very good one.
I haven’t jumped down anyone’s throat. I have defended myself against unnecessary and unfounded criticism.
It’s my business if my son has a phone. It’s not for anyone else to judge the choices I make as a parent.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 24/07/2019 22:46

OP please ignore some of the posters on here. They are being quite nasty. This type of behaviour is why some kids struggle. Grown ups judging a little boy who is shy & ganging up on you. It's honestly luck of the draw. I have 2 children who are completely different & I have done nothing different.