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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ordered a takeaway after promising to cook for guests?

364 replies

HuniThos · 24/07/2019 00:43

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and haven't really had visitors except for my parents and DP's mum. DP's father (lives 3 hours away) arranged with us to come down to ours with his wife (DP's stepmum) and their DD (16) to meet baby etc yesterday. On a whim I said "Oooh I'll cook us all a big roast." The morning before they arrived I went to Asda and spent quite a bit on ingredients and a big pudding for us all. But DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.

I said "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted and can't cook. I'll order a takeaway." DP's dad exclaimed he'd been looking foward to the roast, knew I responded that I knew he'd driven a long way and we'd pay for the takeaway. We ordered stuff from the chicken shop and then all went to bed around half 12, with DP's family on the sofa. They left around lunch that morning and were getting food on the way home so didn't have breakfast or lunch with us. As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook. We had quite a big row.

I didn't see it that way. I have a newborn FFS and he wouldn't help cook. And his family came to meet DD, not for the meal. We're not a bloody restaraunt ffs! AIBU to think DP is being a prick or was I really that rude?

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 24/07/2019 12:22

If he is so close to his sister they could have cooked tea together!

You have a newborn baby. You have a newborn baby! Your only "job" for now is to rest and feed. Your lazy arsed baby daddy (if he wants to be a father and partner then he needs to step up) needs to get off the bloody screen and do the rest.

Ninkaninus · 24/07/2019 12:25

I am actually speechless.

SagAloojah · 24/07/2019 12:27

Who are the 2% that voted YABU? Dicks.

coconutpie · 24/07/2019 12:29

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at this. Your partner is a prick. Your PIL are pricks.

He is the fucking lazy selfish dick. You're lazy? Who was the one sitting down playing video games!!! As for he can't cook - nobody can cook until they learn how. He chooses not to. I would refuse to cook anything for him from now on, he won't be long learning how to do so if he can't eat a dinner in the evening.

coconutpie · 24/07/2019 12:30

And by the way - NEVER wake or disturb your baby for visitors!!! It doesn't matter who they are. You say the baby is settled now, you can have a cuddle later when they wake up. And if the baby hasn't woken up by the time visitors visit is over, well tough shit.

Aprillygirl · 24/07/2019 12:32

Who are the 2% that voted YABU? Dicks.

I think I clicked on YABU by mistake. The heat has made me half blind due to sweaty eyeballs. Sorry Blush

mussolini9 · 24/07/2019 12:35

As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook

DP's dad is an entitled pillock who obviously gave his son no role-modelling in taking a fair share of kitchen duties.

DP is an outstanding hypocrite. You had looked after fractious kids all day. Why was HE not in the kitchen prepping a roast?

sweetiepie1979 · 24/07/2019 12:35

Unfucking believable! What a bunch of arse holes you need to have a conversation with all of them to put them straight about a mothers priority when she has a newborn.
They really should have cooked for you I'm sorry they didn't.

harrypotterfan1604 · 24/07/2019 12:36

My dd is 6 months old and I still hardly ever cook 😂 the only time I manage to cook is if it’s a stew or something that can be prepared during the day when she’s napping. Otherwise dp cooks every night.
YANBU at all!!! His family could have cooked 🤔

pictish · 24/07/2019 12:37

I’m on the OP’s side in that she WNBU.
However I’m find all this hand-wringing over a women three weeks post labour being expected to cook a meal a bit ridiculous. Life goes on regardless.

pictish · 24/07/2019 12:39

*finding
*woman

Bloody iPad.

LillithsFamiliar · 24/07/2019 12:42

pictish yy I'm a bit confused by that too.

Dieu · 24/07/2019 12:43

@pictish

Agreed.

SagAloojah · 24/07/2019 12:48

@pictish I don’t think people are hand wringing over a woman cooking a meal 3 weeks after having a baby, people are understandably agree that when it was patently obvious that OP had a shit day trying to calm a baby and only manages to settle her at 6.30pm, then the people around her should have the sense not to expect a 3 weeks post labour woman to cook a full roast and should happily eat their free takeaway!

And DP knew Op had a shit day, HE was the one should be suggesting a takeaway, not OP!

timeandtimeagain42 · 24/07/2019 12:57

I’m on the OP’s side in that she WNBU.
However I’m find all this hand-wringing over a women three weeks post labour being expected to cook a meal a bit ridiculous. Life goes on regardless.

I don't think that's the case though, op offered to cook and felt fine to do so, until her dd had a terrible day and screamed all day.
The "handwringing" is about the fact that several close family members plus her dh sat on their entitled bottoms and expected her to run around after them and settle dd at the same time.
I may be missing something but I haven't read "then dh and the in-laws took dd on an hour's walk around the park so I could start the cooking in peace" or similar. Neither did they offer any help, in fact they refused to help then criticised her. That's The problem, not the fact that she was expected to cook at all.

BarbariansMum · 24/07/2019 13:00

Well life didn't "go on" for me when either of mine were 3 weeks old. I pretty much sat on the sofa in pyjamas drinking cups of tea and breastfeeding. When ds2 was born I did similar but watching cbeebies and reading story books. Life didn't resume til week 5 or 6 and even then cooking meals for large groups of people didn't happen.

Beautiful3 · 24/07/2019 13:02

I think you should stop offering to cook dinner for visitors. So that you never end up in that situation again. He behaved like an arse. Your partner's an arse too. Why didnt he help cook too?! My husband told me last weekend, "I've done the washing up for you". I asked him whos plates/mugs/cutlery were in the washing up bowl. "Everyones" he replied. That's right, I told him., "it's everyone's mess you've washed up, not just mine!!!" Men are divs!

M3lon · 24/07/2019 13:04

yep this one is simple - if he wanted a roast to be cooked he should have done it himself.

pikapikachu · 24/07/2019 13:09

@pictish The problem is that there were2 other adults (including one playing fucking Mario Kart) who could have helped cook. Roasts aren't hard to cook but are time consuming so need an early start.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 24/07/2019 13:13

If that had been my family, the6 would have offered to bring food in the first place. It’s not about women being physically incapable of cooking 3 weeks post partum, it’s about life being a team effort and team jobs being divided fairly among the players.if you were my family, i would want to make your life as a new mum as easy as possible. I’d bring food/drink, insist you rest, look after you. I’d love to see the baby too but you would be my priority. Because happy mum means happy baby.

The world is full of selfish fuckers. Grandad sounds like one of them and would have got extremely short shrift from me. Your partner also sounds like behaved really badly - what’s with th regression to playing games with his sister, seriously wtaf?

My only thought is that he may be as tired as you and isn’t thinking straight. When you are both calm I would have a chat about your expectations when family come. His family, he organises food. Make it clear that he is now a parent and host, not a child. If he can’t buy into that, then all the problems with grandad are th least of your worries.

Not being a lazy bastard apologiser but my husband acted like very little changed when he had kids. His activities continued. He went skiing with friends a few months after my second, I had two under two at the time. I think I was in such a haze that it never struck me that this was totally unreasonable - my life had almost entirel stopped whereas his went on. For some men, they’ll make this changes themsselves. For others, those more selfish perhaps, you really need to spell it out. My partner is an otherwise wonderful person, but he really does need the occasioNal ‘you’re a parent too’ talk. Being the primary carer doesn’t help that perception, and I do resent having to have these talks ten years after we had our first. But alas we do. Don’t swerve it. Face it head on.

Mix56 · 24/07/2019 13:25

Your P is a jerk,

Baddit · 24/07/2019 13:33

It should never have got as late as it did before it was clear the roast wasn't going to happen. They should have offered to either take you out for lunch or bring lunch to you at the invitation stage. Sounds like you have form for looking after everyone and they (including DP who sounds useless) are likely to take the piss. You are going to have to know your limits and ask for help sooner to avoid this sort of thing happening again.

Derbee · 24/07/2019 13:40

Sounds like a case of like father like son.

Your DP sounds like a total arse, which he obviously gets from his father. Anyone who expects a new mother to single handedly cook a roast dinner for 5, and tend to their newborn so that he can play video games needs to seriously grow the fuck up.

And anyone who comes to meet a new baby and expects the new mother to cook a roast for 5, and pander to all of their adult needs as a family guest is an arse as well.

It’s not you, it’s them. Good luck and hope things improve.

twilightcafe · 24/07/2019 13:57

I was the 'dick' who voted YABU.

OP - I will explain why. I hope this is a life lesson to you.
You are going to need to learn sharpish that you must speak up and say when you have too much on your plate.
We all know that expecting a woman who has just had a baby to cook up a roast dinner is ridiculous.
Your DP and FIL either don't or were pretending not to see how knackered you are.
Set your boundaries now or spend the rest of your life running around after your in-laws.

HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 14:27

But she did do that, @twilightcafe. She told them she wanted to get a takeaway, and they did get a takeaway.