To have ordered a takeaway after promising to cook for guests?

[HuniThos]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and haven't really had visitors except for my parents and DP's mum. DP's father (lives 3 hours away) arranged with us to come down to ours with his wife (DP's stepmum) and their DD (16) to meet baby etc yesterday. On a whim I said "Oooh I'll cook us all a big roast." The morning before they arrived I went to Asda and spent quite a bit on ingredients and a big pudding for us all. But DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.

I said "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted and can't cook. I'll order a takeaway." DP's dad exclaimed he'd been looking foward to the roast, knew I responded that I knew he'd driven a long way and we'd pay for the takeaway. We ordered stuff from the chicken shop and then all went to bed around half 12, with DP's family on the sofa. They left around lunch that morning and were getting food on the way home so didn't have breakfast or lunch with us. As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook. We had quite a big row.

I didn't see it that way. I have a newborn FFS and he wouldn't help cook. And his family came to meet DD, not for the meal. We're not a bloody restaraunt ffs! AIBU to think DP is being a prick or was I really that rude?

I think your DP and his dad are being asses. If your DD had been quite all day I am sure you and DP would have got the roast cooked, but DP knew as well as you did that DD didn't have a good day and that neither of you had time to cook.

I am pregnant at the min and the thoughts of cooking a roast scare me, so I can only imagine what it will be like when the baby comes along. Luckily both my mother and DPs mother (and most of the families too) are the kind of people you invite over for dinner and they will offer to help, as I would do at any of their homes so I know this most likely will not be an issue for us! fingers crossed

Your husband is a dick.
His father is a dick.

There is ZERO reason you husband shouldn't have learned to cook a decent meal all by himself by now. He's a grown man. He can (presumably) hold down a job. Which means he can follow instructions and cook a meal.

He doesn't WANT to cook.

Don't let him make you be the default for all things babycare/housecare/cooking care/shopping care because he 'can't. He can. He doesn't want to. But that shouldn't be your problem.

And it is irrelevant that he wanted to spend time with his sister playing Mario Kart. You were wrangling the baby; he was playing. He should have immediately packed it inand gotten on with the hosting and cooking for HIS family.

He doesn't want to be part of your team. HE wants a maid. Don't be the maid.

Your partner and sister should have started the roast about 4-5 ish. He could have done the prep like peel spuds before their arrival. 6 is too late to start cooking a roast surely?

Your DP and sister could have had a terrific bonding session by preparing the roast together rather than playing Mario Kart. Loads of online info on how to do it if none of them usually cook.

Fuck that shit! You bought all the stuff for a roast and then paid for a take away - you have nothing to feel sorry for!

And a strong word with your DP about helping cook for his family and not leaving you do do everything after a long day with a screaming baby. You have been very considerate to him and by my reckoning you have a big, heartfelt apology due from him at the very least.

So if your husband doesn't learn to cook, every single meal that he eats for the rest of his life will have to be cooked by you.
Think about that.
His dad obviously thinks that even when he's visiting his new grandchild that it's all about HIM.

He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook.
Fucking hell. Your DP is appalling, so is his family. At 3 weeks postpartum we were living off previously batch-cooked freezer food and stuff brought round by friends. My DD is 13 weeks now and visitors STILL bring food (aside from my dreadful aunt but that's another story) and I've yet to cook anything more complex than beans on toast/pizza/fish fingers.

Your FIL should have dismissed the offer of a roast dinner as soon as you made it and said, "Don't be silly, we'll bring fish and chips/order a takeaway/stock your freezer for you".

I'm furious for you! What a shower of twats.

Adults with families don't get to be 'shit cooks'

^^ this

What else is he shit at?

It’s straight from the learned hopelessness handbook.

He’s shit at cleaning so I do it
He’s shit at ironing and I don’t want my clothes ruined
He shrunk my jumper so I do all the washing
I change the baby because the nappies just fall off when he does it
I get her dressed. You should see the state of her when he does it
He gets frustrated when she eats so I feed her, then I have mine
He just doesn’t see mess

All said by my ground down SIL who married BIL at 30, 10 years after he left home, cooked, cleaned, ironed for himself. I haven’t once seen him sit next to one of his 3 dcs at a meal and feed them or help them cut up his food. She thinks he’s shit at everything. I’ve known him pre her and know he’s a lazy arse.

Wow, your fil and your partner sound horrible. Your partner could have cooked with his sister whilst they catch up. Anyone in their right mind would understand that you were exhausted.

That said, why on earth were you offering to cook a roast dinner for your in-laws at this time? You need to think about that, because without that crucial element, none of this would have been possible. I remember doing similar myself and still feel pressurised to do it now, but I don't. IS it people pleasing? You have to stop yourself.

If I had been a visitor in this situation I'd have rolled up my sleeves and said 'Right, what can I do for you, just show me where everything is'.

^ this. Nobody in their right mind expects a woman who gave birth 3 weeks ago to cook a fucking meal.

They're all wankers

YANBU.

tbh it sounds like your FIL is giving your DP grief and your DP has reverted to acting like a petulant child so is passing the grief on to you.

If I'd said there was going to be a roast dinner and then felt I couldn't do it, I'd have roped everyone in. There's no reason why your DP and his DSIS couldn't have bonded over peeling potatoes or making gravy.

YANBU. I'm agog at this TBH. Fucking men!

You poor thing! Everyone except you was unreasonable here. I’m assuming that all the ingredients for the roast are still around? I would suggest that you tell your dp to use them to cook YOU a nice roast

I disagree that it takes 5 minutes to prepare a roast dinner though.

Takes less than 2 minutes to pop them out of the cardboard, and piece the sellophane on top.

PIERCE the sellophane on top (not piece!!!)

Sorry your DP and in-laws are such arseholes OP. Shockingly unfair behaviour from them, and unfortunately very telling of what kind of people they are.

He sounds just like his dad - both are equally horrible. I'm so sorry they had to visit you and stay so long.

What a rude, selfish bunch they are! I wouldn't be letting DP get away with that. He's got some serious apologising to do, and he needs to tell his dad he was rude too.

Also agree that he needs to learn to cook immediately!

That would definitely remain an only child!

5 minute roast.

Leg of lamb / beef joint and unpeeled baby potatoes drizzled in oil all bunged in the oven for 1-1.5 hours at 170-180. Frozen veg in boiling water extra 5 mins before serving or bagged salad.

2 options.

1. It is this easy and actually YABU not to have bunged the meat and potatoes in the oven while everyone was playing pass the parcel with the baby

OR

2. An "acceptable" roast is a very complicated thing which only highly trained individuals can prepare. The day had already gone pear shaped BEFORE visitors arrived so alternative plan should have been worked on arrival or ideally agreed between you and DP before visitors arrived.

Either way YABU but so are ALL the other adults for only thinking of their stomachs 5 minutes before feeding time and just assuming food would magically appear.

Also YABVVVU for not having sent DP to the shop with a list to get the ingredients in the first place.

Well he sounds like a peach doesn't he? Don't dwell on it OP, you did the right thing. I can't believe anyone expected you to cook!

This is absurd! When my parents came to visit me three weeks postpartum, they did all the cooking and left meals for the freezer! If they wanted the roast so much, they could have made it themselves.

Omg how ridiculous. No WAY would I expect a new mother to cook a roast for a group, and he tells you you're lazy when he was too busy playing games to help? What an awful, old fashioned, misogynistic group of people, him being the worst one.

Also my DP isn't a great cook but he did all the housework and cooking for the first month and still does most of it five months on. It wasn't haute cuisine but it was fine. He made an effort to learn how to make some things for us, because he wanted to do what he could!