Am I expecting too much

[Greenplasticchairs]

Boyfriend of nearly a year has a good job , plenty of disposable income and a great lifestyle . I have a shit job, no money left over after rent and bills and a poor lifestyle. I just about get by. We meet twice a week , his decision as he has a very full and busy social life . I don’t. He doesn’t work in the summer and has lots of holidays going on. He will go on his third holiday at the weekend. All with his friends or family members . He has never invited me nor has he suggested we save or plan to do something In the future . He simply acknowledges that I have no disposable income so won’t be doing anything that costs a bit of money . He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc but when it comes to concerts, travel, festivals, he goes away with friends. Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join .both early 30’s

How long have you been with him? Are you expecting him to fund your holidays/outgoings.

Why should he pay for you for everything? You're not going to return the favour. He pays for some stuff & has taken you away. It doesn't sound like you've done anything for him. He still wants to do stuff so he does it with other people who can afford it. It sucks but ....

Hmm... Perhaps he feels like he is being considerate of your circumstances that he does things with you that don't cost money? That he doesn't want you to feel bad because you don't have the ability to fund the other things he does?

I don't say this to be horrible or as a get out, but this is exactly how my husband sees things, except I'm the higher earner.

In a different perspective, it doesn't sound like you are in a very committed relationship if you only see each other twice a week? Feels a bit distant, especially as the first couple of years are meant to be the honeymoon period and basically stuck to each other.

It may also be that these things he does are expensive, and actually paying for you as well isn't a cost he can absorb? Especially if you have no disposable income which means he would have to foot the bill for everything.

Meeting only twice a week is another issue but he is busy and likes his own space . I don’t expect him to fund everything but I would try to save if he suggested it but at the moment we only meet at this level and I don’t want to push it

This is a painful one

I do see how you feel left out of his holidays and perhaps concerts but this is coming across a little grabby. He shouldn’t really be expected to pay for you and it’s a slippery slope - if he pays for one holiday he could end up feeling obliged to pay for them all. Your finances are not his fault iyswim, and the fact he has more isn’t making him selfish if he does include you with most other things and he sounds generous

I know how you feel as I was with someone who earned more than me but we would tailor our trips to be able to pay half and for what I couldn’t afford he went without me.

You aren’t married to him, he’s your boyfriend not your husband supporting you so I think YABU to be expecting this

Is there no way you could look at your finances and make some changes? It’s not nice to feel left out but I don’t think the solution is ‘find someone else who will pay for me’

It sounds from your OP like you think he should really be spending that disposable income on YOU! TBH this isn't an equal relationship and while he seems to enjoy your company he is clearly not that keen to pay for two people each time you do anything and that's the reality, isn't it? You can't afford to do these things he goes off and does with his friends, so 'inviting you along' means paying for you. Do you see him as a keeper? Does he see you that way? After a year I'd expect your social lives to be quite entwined, but with the glaring inequality of funds that hasn't happened. I don't think I could live like that - sitting at home twiddling my skint thumbs while he was off on holiday with other people. Why do you have a shit job? Maybe this is your wake up call to try to improve your earning capacity so you have enjoy life a bit more.

It sounds like he pays his fair share. Paying for holidays is a bit much before you are in a serious relationship. It would be nice if he wanted to, but I wouldn’t expect it.

I have tried to look for other work but I am a carer in a facility so on minimum wage .and I only have the standard holidays whereas he is free all summer and other holidays during the year. My evenings are lonely .

There is absolutely no way you could get another job, no?

I don’t think this is the right relationship for you to be honest

What do you do? Any chance you can look around for a better paid job? Or study and qualify to do something better paid? If I was your age, I wouldn't settle for a shit job, a shit lifestyle and no spare cash. Go and do something exciting and glamorous - an air hostess maybe?

It doesn’t sound like your lifestyles are compatible and he can’t be expected to find your lifestyle too?! If you can’t pay your share of holidays and trips, he’s still entitled to go with his friends surely? If you’re not happy with this financially unequal relationship then perhaps leave and find someone with a similar income.

If I were you I would focus on building MY life into one I loved, not be reliant on a partner for this.
Otherwise it can be a bit much and suffocating for the other person. It’s also far
More attractive and desirable to date someone with their own life than one who just waits around for you.

There’s so much free advice / help out there. It’s an exciting world and anything is possible!

You could also suggest a break to him, think of something you’d like to do. That you can afford, and when you can do this. He probably doesn’t suggest anything as he thinks you can’t affoed it.

He is being considerate in a way, not embarrassing you by suggesting doing things you can't afford. Seeing each other twice a week sounds OK to me and he does take you away sometimes. How long have you been going out together?

Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join

That doesn't sound like this
I don’t expect him to fund everything but I would try to save if he suggested it

Also. Try to save...
If he invites you and you won't manage to save, he will end up paying. Simply because you will be sad and because he told people you are coming.

Why dont you just save up anyway and then when he is organising a trip, tell him you have saved up?

You dont need him to save up with you.

Its actually sounds like you mean, he can save to pay for both of you

I could perhaps study or do extra work but I work long hours as it is at the moment. We are crazy about eachother I think , at least when we are together .i think he sees a future but I get the impression that the money thing is an issue with him and our dates tend to revolve around sitting watching Netflix in his house, going for a drive, the odd coffee, walks etc. He has a rich and varied social life with his friends and family and I really Am Not part of that whatsoever

You have no money left over after Bill's.

What exactly will you be saving?

Tbh it doesn't sound like you like your job. Maybe a time to start sending out CVs?

But he has never even asked me to go . The only time he ever pays for me is If it’s a birthday or Christmas present and , as he says jokingly, so he can go too . It would take me at least a year to save 1k for a decently holiday and that would be living on the breadline

but I would try to save if he suggested it

Um, I don't understand why you are waiting for him to suggest saving before you either initiate the conversation with him or save anyway.

If you want to save, which sounds sensible anyway, then just save. Why do you need to wait for a man to suggest it first?

Then maybe he's just not the right person for you.

Sounds like you are incompatible. Talk to him about what you've said here and see what he says. If he has no solution (doesn't sound like you have one either other than 'give me money'), might be best to cut your losses.

I could cut back on food , basic grooming and electric and heating bills
Maybe but I am on the edge with those too . There’s little room for improvement

But he has never even asked me to go . The only time he ever pays for me is If it’s a birthday or Christmas present and , as he says jokingly, so he can go too . It would take me at least a year to save 1k for a decently holiday and that would be living on the breadline

Because you cant afford it. Why would he ask if he knows you cant go?

You have been together a year, have you saved anything yet?

It very much sounds like you are with him because you thought he work spend money on you and he may suspect that. Which is why he wont pay for you join him.

If you want more money, look at ways you can earn it.

But he has never even asked me to go

He didn't because
It would take me at least a year to save 1k for a decently holiday and that would be living on the breadline