Am I expecting too much

[Greenplasticchairs]

Boyfriend of nearly a year has a good job , plenty of disposable income and a great lifestyle . I have a shit job, no money left over after rent and bills and a poor lifestyle. I just about get by. We meet twice a week , his decision as he has a very full and busy social life . I don’t. He doesn’t work in the summer and has lots of holidays going on. He will go on his third holiday at the weekend. All with his friends or family members . He has never invited me nor has he suggested we save or plan to do something In the future . He simply acknowledges that I have no disposable income so won’t be doing anything that costs a bit of money . He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc but when it comes to concerts, travel, festivals, he goes away with friends. Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join .both early 30’s

He sounds selfish and this doesn't sound like a promising relationship. That being said I think you need to find someone more at your level.

When I first started seeing DH I was in the same position as you. Earning very little as I was studying while he was on a decent salary. I never, ever expected him to fund things like holidays or anything other than maybe cinema tickets, an odd meal or pay for lunch once a month. We tended to do things which didn't cost much such as chilling watching a movie, going for walks etc. and he went to things like concerts without me when I couldn't afford to go.
And it never seemed unfair to me in any way. When I started earning more we started going on holidays and nights away.

It would bother me that if he only fitted me in 2 nights per week. If there was no flexibility that is as you want to feel like a priority at this early stage in the relationship.

Make the change for yourself OP. You can do it. Don't let the unknown intimidate you, just focus on the the goal that is to better your situation.

This man clearly doesn't treat you badly and you are both enjoying one another. Stop resenting him over his lifestyle but take it as a motivation to make things better for you, with or without him.

There's no shame in asking for help either when it comes to making decisions, if he has contacts to help you finding a better role - ask him.

Good luck!

If I was early 20s I wouldn’t mind this so much but early 30s I would want to be more of a team. For me, love is wanting to bring each other into the lives of friends and family. It’s not ideal if one person earns less but love beats money. I guess I mean that even though you say this is about him going on trips you can’t afford, it seems more like he doesn’t want to change his life at all to be in this relationship. Sorry OP but you don’t deserve to be left out of his life.

I agree with this. From his point of view, maybe he doesn't want to be paying for everything all the time (at the moment he hardly does that - I wouldn't dream of asking a boyfriend to pay a share of the accomodation to go along and share my room on my family reunion so no idea why this is regarded as him being generous to the OP) but the reality is, if he was hugely into the OP and desperately wanted to spend time with her and advance the relationship, he would suggest a weekend away with her - even a cheap one. He would prefer to spend time with her than spending all his breaks with his friend.

I think he is just not that into her.

Love all the tories on this thread telling the OP to improve her lot/earn more/save money so she can be worthy of this man and pay her share. The world needs people who work in care homes too. How will you all manage when they have all "improved" themselves and there is no one left to help mind your elderly mother or disabled sister?

I think he sees you a little as a golddigger tbh.

Myself and Dh were in similar situations at the beginning. He knew within a couple of months that I was broke but if he wanted me to go somewhere with him I couldn't afford then he used to pay for me. He brought me to a weekend festival around 8/9 months, weekend away at 3 months etc. Our first holiday was around the 7 month mark. No way could I let him pay so I got a small loan.

I think he thinks you expect him to pay and so he won't. I don't think this relationship will work out op

@pallisers

Nothing wrong with being a carer or a low paid job but OP wants to join holidays, concerts etc to keep up with her BF and she can’t do this on such a low wage. She is also miserable and lonely.

Many people are happy doing different things and I myself accept I don’t have holidays as I can’t afford them - and I’m not resentful about it, moping or miserable or lonely. Low wage or struggle with outgoings doesn’t automatically make people unhappy so she has 2 choices which everyone has pointed out: change your own life or accept that they are not compatible and perhaps meet someone who wants different things. The 3rd option OP was looking for why he isn’t paying for her

Love all the tories on this thread telling the OP to improve her lot/earn more/save money so she can be worthy of this man and pay her share. The world needs people who work in care homes too. How will you all manage when they have all "improved" themselves and there is no one left to help mind your elderly mother or disabled sister?

Fuck off with the Tories nonsense.

I work NMW in retail and haven't been abroad in 10 years, I don't expect anyone to pay to take me on holiday either. Nobody is telling her she needs to be worthy but she does need to pay her share and not expect him to pay for everything.

Are you saying nobody should try to improve themselves (or "improve" with the cute quotes) or strive to get a better job?

Love all the tories on this thread telling the OP to improve her lot/earn more/save money so she can be worthy of this man and pay her share. The world needs people who work in care homes too. How will you all manage when they have all "improved" themselves and there is no one left to help mind your elderly mother or disabled sister?

I ma no tory. I can't even vote in GM🤷
However, even I understand that OP can get a better job and her position will be taken up by someone who is starting or needs something like that or enjoys it. Op said it's a shit job hence we can safely assume she doesn't like it. So why not move to a different one.

Op, also look at your living situation. It sounds like you are paying quite a lot on rent and bills if you have nothing left over. I don't know when your contract finishes, but moving into a cheaper accomodation after that can free up good money. There are even really nice shared houses with ensuites which cost considerably less than a studio flat.

Bring brutally honest. I'd be very slow to enter any kind of a relationship with someone in their 30s who wasn't able to afford a standard enough social life. Especially as he is lucky enough to be able to afford a decent one. Pre kids eating out at weekends, a nice holiday was important to me and sounds like it is to your boyfriend too.

I think you need a very frank discussion with him as to where he sees this relationship going. If your earnings are a problem for him then you are as well off knowing it now rather than a few years down the tracks if you would like kids etc

Well if you lack motivation what do you expect? Surely you'd motivation should be to better yourself so that YOU can afford things regardless of what he can provide.

When I was single I probably wouldn't have dated someone who earned a lot less than I did and didn't seem to have the motivation to strive for anything better.

Op I think seeing you twice a week is pretty good for a year old relationship. You have to have your own lives too.

I get that because you don't have a lot to do due to finances some times after from work that it's lonely. The sort of situation is more going to be resolved by a living together type arrangement, which doesn't mean he will stay in every night with you either.

I think it comes down to would you be a social as him with your friends / family if you had the money or are you just wanting him to do everything with you ?

I've been the poor one in a relationship with a totally stingy wealthy boyfriend. And I mean he would ask do you want anything from the petrol station when going in. I once asked for some crisps and he wanted the money before he'd go to buy them for me. This guy honestly had so much money and I was on NMW. We met at the gym ( I worked there) We didn't last long after the crisps thing. I think you're doing better than me. I don't think your a gold digger, it's not your after a designer bag, just to enjoy some of things he does when you do see each other.

I’d happily spend every moment with him. He is the one who lets me know his plans, because he has so many of them .

OP do you ever do things without him? Go out with friends? Have other people over to your house?

I’d happily spend every moment with him. He is the one who lets me know his plans, because he has so many of them

These are the plans that dont involve you yes, because you have no money? How kind of him.

Sorry OP - i think he's just not that into you. You are incompatible
on the financial side and there is no give and take whatsoever, his life revolves around his friends, family, whereas yours just revolves around him, so you wait, like a faithful puppy for him to throw you a bone now and then, an invite here and there? . And tbh, it does come across that you expect him to financially somewhat support you (and his lifestyle) - why do you think this? Find someone who you are compatible with and will have some give and take, or at least willing to talk about it.

I can’t tell from your posts if you have actually arranged cheap / free activities for the two of you to do.
If you have, had he turned it down? If he had then I would assume that he’s just not that keen on spending time with you.
If you haven’t suggested cheap/ free stuff why not get your thinking cap on and find stuff that’s in your price range, rather than waiting for him to pay for you to do stuff or just hang out at home, where’s the fun in that?
In my small city we have museums, an art gallery a botanical garden all free. There is Opera in the Park on a big screen. I like to go to event cinema which screens Opera, ballet, theatre shows live for a fraction of the cost to go to the theatre. We have student art and jewellery exhibitions which are very low cost. Free talks and walks on all topics, a very low cost science festival,free light festival, very low cost literary festival. Beautiful historical parts of the city to walk arround, our council produces leaflets on local themed walks. Sometimes there is free street theatre in the summer. We have a lovely coastline and river walks. One of our local cinemas shows all the latest films for only £5 per person. We have the Spree Book scheme where you buy a book of vouchers, and can then use them to get money off a huge range of local activities throughout the year. We have wildlife spotting activities, beach cleans and hundreds of other activities that I won’t list here.
This is in a small city that is not especially cultural so there must be some of this stuff available near you. He has a car you say, we’ll if he doesn’t mind covering the petrol costs get out into the countryside, go for a walk, lie under a tree having a picnic.
The possibilities are endless.

How did you meet ? Online ?

I agree that you need to be a bit more busy too. Take your mind off him and have your own hobbies and social life. Do you work shifts ?

An adult education course are relatively cheap, you can do things like jewellery making to yoga. I did this when about 19 so it's not all oldies . Also if you are busy enjoying your own life it without him then your having fun and he will get the FOMO too.

He’s not that in to you. You don’t have a future together.

Find someone who is more generous with his time & money. Not someone who just wants sex and a home cooked meal twice a week. And he’ll always prioritise his family & friends before you. If he loved you, he would WANT to spend his time with you even if he ended up paying a bigger share. You work hard in a worthwhile job, it’s unfortunate that it doesn’t pay well but it’s not as though you spend all day lazing about. Is there some element of snobbery that he doesn’t think you’re ‘good enough’ so he’s making do until a better option comes along?

You sound like a lovely person who doesn’t deserve to be sitting on your own until you’re summoned to his place to make his tea.

I think there's a discrepancy in how serious you both view the relationship.

Also why should he miss out on 3k holidays (which will be really good if that's the price per head) to go on a cheap city break where you** may be able to contribute a small amount?

I think you're being unrealistic and would be having a chat about if there's any future if I were you. If he's not feeling the same it's better to cut your loses and move on.

Twice a week is fine in the first year or two of a relationship. I know some people want to see one another 24/7 at that stage but I think twice a week strikes a nice balance, means you have chance to miss each other.

The only misbalance here is that he has more disposable income than you and refuses to pay for you in any way. The only thing you could really do is perhaps study and work towards a higher income?

I have dated lower earners than me and it’s pretty miserable. It sucks being the one who has to constantly pick up the bill or just avoid doing fun things you love doing because they can’t afford it.

When I first met DH, he was on less than minimum wage internship and completely skint. I had a good job earning decent money. I paid for meals out, cinema, day trips. We did cheap dates to museums and picnics in the park. To be honest I wouldn't have paid for holidays or contemplated moving in with him at that stage knowing I'd be footing the bill. I also wouldn't have even contemplated marrying him, committing my assets or having children on such an unequal basis.

In DH case, he is fiercely driven to succeed in a tricky industry. I respected that and fully believed back then he would one day be where he is now in his career therefore I was happy to support him.
If my DH had just been floating along not actively trying to change his position then we quite simply wouldn't have lasted.

Shelby, I don't see the op's boyfriend as being mean. In her opening post she says, " He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people ", so he does spend money on her.

If he didn't care for her he wouldn't be seeing her and he does.

It's difficult when one person has a lot of dosh and the other doesn't. Even well off people don't want to be taken advantage of so are often reticent about their finances. Then there's the fact that they don't want to embarrass the 'poorer' partner by paying for everything.

As things are, it all sounds fairly normal for the stage they are at. They've been keeping company for less than a year.

@Aria999 I think the post you linked to is the same OP as this OP but I think they've just changed their name. There are lot of similarities with how some things are worded and the fact that there's a gap and then a full stop. It just all reads very similar. I think this person is just wasting everyone's time tbh.

I’d happily spend every moment with him. He is the one who lets me know his plans, because he has so many of them.

So you're just sitting there at home alone, waiting for him to call and fit you into his schedule? How sad.

@Greenplasticchairs It doesn't sound like a very equal relationship from what you've said. I'm afraid I don't know a single relationship where there has been such a considerable disparity in income that has lasted. Either the higher earner got fed up with the lower earner not being able to afford anything or perceived them as taking advantage or the lower earner got fed up not being able to afford to do anything with their partner and felt inadequate and that others were calling them a sponger!!

It sounds like you need to build up your self esteem as no-one should be sitting home waiting for someone else to tell them what they can do!!! Is it possible for you to develop a small circle of friends on a similar income level so you can do activities more suited to your finances? A friend and I met up last night, stayed in her back garden and drank water - we are both skint - but had a lovely time! Good fun doesn't have to mean spending loads of money.

I would suspect he is hesitant to fully commit and waiting to see if you are going to demonstrate a commitment to earning more.

You say you sit home alone in the evenings etc - can you get a second job that you can then save that income use for holidays?

Quoting from you earlier in this thread:
"I take your point about a better job but I lack motivation and I was recently offered a job but the prospects starring off wee worse that my current job so had to decline ."

It doesn't scream somebody motivated and thinking long term about bettering their financial position - rather more that you are hoping to find a relationship were you will benefit from your partners finances.

I disagree with those saying you are his fuck buddy - if that were the case i suspect it wouldn't have lasted this long - but in his shoes i would certainly also be very hesitant to commit myself and my finances to someone who doesn't seem to demonstrate much driver to earn more - whilst feeling sorry for themself that they can't enjoy the trappings of a more affluent lifestyle.