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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

154 replies

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 17:17

Boyfriend of nearly a year has a good job , plenty of disposable income and a great lifestyle . I have a shit job, no money left over after rent and bills and a poor lifestyle. I just about get by. We meet twice a week , his decision as he has a very full and busy social life . I don’t. He doesn’t work in the summer and has lots of holidays going on. He will go on his third holiday at the weekend. All with his friends or family members . He has never invited me nor has he suggested we save or plan to do something In the future . He simply acknowledges that I have no disposable income so won’t be doing anything that costs a bit of money . He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc but when it comes to concerts, travel, festivals, he goes away with friends. Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join .both early 30’s

OP posts:
Batqueen · 23/07/2019 18:07

Or even a city break abroad with a Ryan air sale could be done on a similar budget for a long weekend!

MaryBerrysBomberJacket · 23/07/2019 18:08

OP I'm in your boyfriends position, back dating after a divorce. When I was married I earned 35k whilst he was minimum wage. His reason; didn't see why he should have a stressful job. I also have long holidays in the summer but for us to do anything as a couple it would come from my account. We split household bills 75/25 to balance the discrepancy but still he could barely afford to save for things like holidays, so I could never go on holiday after running myself into the ground at work. I resented him and he made no effort to change his contribution.

Now that I'm dating I won't date someone earning significantly less; not because I don't want to give up any fancy lifestyle (I have around £250 a month to myself at most) but because I will never be in such an uneven relationship again. I earn what I do because I've worked hard for my qualifications and very hard at my job so I am going to spend my money on me and not supporting someone else who won't (not can't, that would be entirely different).

mrsm43s · 23/07/2019 18:10

Boyfriend of less than a year - no he shouldn't be accepting financial responsibility for you.

If you'd like to do a festival/holiday/concert, then how about you save up some money, and once you have enough to cover your ticket, then suggest to him that maybe that would be something that you could do. Or suggest something now that is quite some time into the future to give you the opportunity to save for it.

Very wrong to expect him to pay for you at this stage, when you're only dating.

QforCucumber · 23/07/2019 18:10

He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc so in under 12 months hes taken you to 2 family gatherings away, and a reunion? And then pays for your dates too? How many holidays/concerts are you expecting to have gone on together in that time too?

Yearinyearout · 23/07/2019 18:10

You say he's crazy about you, but that he would rather spend time with his friends. The two don't really add up. It's been a very long time since my relationship was new, but I certainly remember being desperate to see each other every spare minute. If he's only slotting you in twice a week between all his other social commitments it doesn't sound like he's that invested in the relationship.

RedPanda2 · 23/07/2019 18:11

I don't think he's that into you

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/07/2019 18:11

I'm going against the grain so far on here

If he liked you enough, your personality and charm and company would be recompense for your lack of perceived income. He doesn't come across well from what you say, why didn't he get with someone who equals his income?

He doesn't and should be paying for you, but you work you hold your own so to speak, so he sees you twice a week? Ide say booty call, and he's not exactly paying for it is he.

He sounds like he has he life pretty much compartmentalised, holidays with his mates and family, sex with you.

Ide call next, and look for a man, who isn't tight, and wants to spend time with you, for who you are, not how much money you do or don't have.

UnRavellingFast · 23/07/2019 18:12

I am genuinely sorry to say this but if he has not involved you with his friends, is going on holiday without you and sees you only twice a week, I do not think he has commitment or serious intentions. I would focus on you- doing a course or looking for a better paid job you can advance in - for you, not because of him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/07/2019 18:13

That's shouldn't not should be paying

Livebythecoast · 23/07/2019 18:13

@PooWillyBumBum
Opening line 'Boyfriend of nearly a year " Smile

likeafishneedsabike · 23/07/2019 18:13

Financial incompatibility is a real thing and is really difficult. I don’t think either of you is wrong: it’s just a really tricky situation when you inhabit totally different worlds.

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 18:16

I dated someone last year who hardly earned anything and initially I was like ok, let’s just see how things go, don’t judge on his circumstances.

But it was really hard work. I’m not well off by any means but he could never do anything much except Netflix indoors and I did want to go and do stuff. He could have done X Y or Z but he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t go to work that day or why he charged mates rates on a job etc etc. He also had a very dilapidated living situation and I just couldn’t picture myself living there and having to be the one to pay to do it all up and not get resentful about it. I would try to do things like days out and always ended up paying for the whole thing with no offer of any splitting or halves

One final straw was after I cooked him and his DC a nice meal and the next weekend he served me and my DC some disgusting soupy watery chicken carcass casserole thing which I think he just put the past it contents of his fridge into the slow cooker for 10 hours it was so cheap and inedible and horrible I felt sorry for him but it was all his own doing!

Spanielmadness · 23/07/2019 18:21

@Hidingwhoiam DF is fiancée. Even when he was my BF he has always paid for the majority of what we do. As a PP has said it’s not about how much he is spending - if the OP’s bf was into her he would be happy to pay for her to do the things together. He’s not, although he could easily afford it, he’s just not that into her.
BTW, I would never ‘write love notes’ for my father!Confused

PooWillyBumBum · 23/07/2019 18:24

@Livebythecoast whoops!

Still, I do think if OP and BF seeing each other twice a week and don’t live together they’re effectively still dating. Paying for the meals, cinema tix and weekends away she mentioned is fine form in that case.

I’m afraid it sounds to me that OP wants more from the relationship than he does.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 23/07/2019 18:24

I had a boyfriend with much less disposable income than me. I paid for the majority of treats like dinners out and tickets, but I wouldn't have paid for him to go on holiday. I don't respect healthy adults who rely on someone else for finances, and I need to respect my partner.

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 18:26

@Spanielmadness whole it doesnt sound like he is into her. You are absolutely wrong that if he was into her he would pay for it all.

Just because your fiancee did and does, doesnt mean everyone else does want to do the same.

I wouldn't. I out earn dp and he wouldnt have me paying for everything, but I wouldnt pay for everything for him.

I expect adults who want more money work towards earning more money, rather than hoping a richer partner will come along and pay for it.

Andylion · 23/07/2019 18:26

He sounds like he has he life pretty much compartmentalised, holidays with his mates and family, sex with you.

I agree with this. Also, it sounds like he is willing to pay for you so he has a date for family functions, but he isn’t willing to pay for you when he hangs out with friends. Add that to only seeing each other twice a week and I think that means he is not that into you.

Not that I think he should pay for everything. I just think that he isn’t that serious about your relationship and that is the more important issue here.

crispysausagerolls · 23/07/2019 18:27

Some couples split everything 50/50. Some couples the women pays the majority, or the man. Some couples the man pays everything or the woman. It does not matter and there is no right or wrong ...BUT... you must BOTH agree and be comfortable with your arrangement. You do not sound like you see eye to eye in this regard and let me tell you that will only cause massive issues down the line if you are married and have children.

The larger concern is this feeling that you do not see him enough and you are lonely but he is vibrant and happy and social. I do not want to be harsh but You also do not sound socially compatible.

BIWI · 23/07/2019 18:30

This just doesn't make sense. If he is crazy about you, why would he only want to see you twice a week, and then keep you separate from the rest of his life?

I think, sorry to say, you're just being used for sex, and someone who cooks a meal for him/gives him beer twice a week.

Original poster
Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 18:37

I think I mean more to him than that! We get on so we’ll together. We have great fun and long chats into the night. Our relationship was a slow burn but I see him a whole lot more than I did for the first six months.
It does irk Me that Sometimes that our dates revolve around is family and family occasions. They are everywhere ! There was a time that I did have to reflect and ask
Myself if he just wanted me on his arm as a plus one .since then though our relationship has deepened . As the relationship has developed I expect that it will deepen more to where we will spend more time together but this is all he can give me at the moment .he owns his own home and has tenants. It is not possible for me
To make up the short fall when they leave if we do move in together on the future although I would like that very much .

OP posts:
Actionhasmagic · 23/07/2019 18:38

If I was early 20s I wouldn’t mind this so much but early 30s I would want to be more of a team. For me, love is wanting to bring each other into the lives of friends and family. It’s not ideal if one person earns less but love beats money. I guess I mean that even though you say this is about him going on trips you can’t afford, it seems more like he doesn’t want to change his life at all to be in this relationship. Sorry OP but you don’t deserve to be left out of his life.

Livebythecoast · 23/07/2019 18:40

@PooWillyBumBum - easily missed! If you look, the very first post was 'how long have you been with him?' !
Just a recent thread on here about 'mumsnetters, do you actually read?' made me think, alot of us do skim!
Love your user name btw, I'm sure there's a song my DD knew about it when she was little?!

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 18:45

Love does not beat money. There is a healthy balance FGS. I really dislike it when people peddle this as if money means nothing. It does. If you have no pension no career no savings and a very low income going into a RS with someone who earns more you are vulnerable. Not all RS and marriages last forever and so many women end up with nothing

OP has no interest in changing her own circumstances by herself, just how to get him to share more of his life/cash with her

It’s ok for him to be reluctant, they are dating.

PooWillyBumBum · 23/07/2019 18:46

@livebythecoast

Guilty as charged. Scrolling and typing whilst watching Netflix. Such is my rock ‘n’ roll life!

Poo willy bum bum were the sole lyrics of a song my mum’s friend used to play when he was drinking, accompanied by guitar. “Poo willy bum bum, poo willy bum bum, poo willy bum bum, poooooooo!”

crispysausagerolls · 23/07/2019 18:52

But if it’s about accompanying him to events (and this would bother me too) why don’t you just say something about wanting to spend more time with his friends and family and see what he says?

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