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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

154 replies

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 17:17

Boyfriend of nearly a year has a good job , plenty of disposable income and a great lifestyle . I have a shit job, no money left over after rent and bills and a poor lifestyle. I just about get by. We meet twice a week , his decision as he has a very full and busy social life . I don’t. He doesn’t work in the summer and has lots of holidays going on. He will go on his third holiday at the weekend. All with his friends or family members . He has never invited me nor has he suggested we save or plan to do something In the future . He simply acknowledges that I have no disposable income so won’t be doing anything that costs a bit of money . He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc but when it comes to concerts, travel, festivals, he goes away with friends. Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join .both early 30’s

OP posts:

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 17:51

You wre on ybe edge with the essentials.

You cant afford a holiday. Neither can I as a lone parent. One of those things. When ds is older and I dont pay for a alot in childcare, I will be able to.

TheFridgeRaider · 23/07/2019 17:51

Op, whereabouts do you live? Long shifts on minimum wage when you don't have dependants should still allow you to save and enjoy things.
Talking from experience.

ECPCR2 · 23/07/2019 17:51

It doesn't make sense to me why you wouldn't save up and then suggest something yourself.

He seems to be being very considerate by not making you feel awkward about being unable to afford to join him. But if it actually makes you feel worse, he can't know that unless you tell him. Have you said "I wish you would invite me along to something every now and then" or "I'd have loved to go with you to that gig"?

It's completely not fair to feel he should pay your way for a busy social life with his friends (you've not said 'our' friends I don't think, so presume these are people you're not close to). Why not organise something very low cost and suggest he invite the group to that so you can join in? A picnic in the park is great fun and can be incredibly cheap if you each bring a plate of something. That way you get to integrate more with his friends, and then they might start suggesting you come to other events too so you have the incentive it seems you need to save up

Happierlife · 23/07/2019 17:52

Why don't you suggest it?

VivienneHolt · 23/07/2019 17:52

Honestly, he sounds like a miserly twat. If you love someone and you can afford it, why wouldn’t you help pay their costs in order to share amazing experiences with them?

Original poster

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 17:53

Surely there has to be give and take
Though?? It is me who cooks for him , has a beer or two ready when he comes over . It is me who drives to see him at my own expense a couple of times a week . I am
Also generous within my means .

OP posts:

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 17:54

Honestly, he sounds like a miserly twat. If you love someone and you can afford it, why wouldn’t you help pay their costs in order to share amazing experiences with them?
Firstly who said they are in love?

And why should he pay for everything when OP wont do anything to better her position.

If a man was complaining his girlfriend wouldnt pay for his holidays, no one would say 'if she loved you she would'

Original poster

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 17:55

They are his friends. I hardly know them. I would love for him to want the two of us to
Go together on our own but I think he’d prefer to be with his friends at this point .

OP posts:

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 17:56

Well then tell him you cant afford to stock your house for him and having beers ready

Why are you cooking if you drive to him twice a week and buying beers into his house for him?

And you said he does pay for things as well, you just want him to pay for more.

BeanBag7 · 23/07/2019 17:56

But if he did invite you to lots of things would you be complaining that "he always invites me to things even though he knows I can't afford it. I feel bad for having to say no and letting him down". Or would you just expect him to pay for you.

TheFridgeRaider · 23/07/2019 17:57

He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc

Sounds pretty balanced with
It is me who cooks for him , has a beer or two ready when he comes over . It is me who drives to see him at my own expense a couple of times a week
Even though you said/implied before you are more in his

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 17:57

I would say it is kind of him not to put that pressure on you to save £1k over a whole year when he knows it would be a struggle. His wealth isn’t your wealth. You aren’t entitiled to any of it because you have less than him and aren’t in a serious relationship. He could have reservations about your intentions towards his money if you married, you come into the RS with nothing and no prospects or will to earn more to give yourself a better life.

I wouldn’t want to be with a guy long term like this if it was reversed, unless I saw real potential for the future it’s not really that attractive to know you will be paying for everything for the foreseeable future and a lot of pressure. Partners are not your ticket to a better life

If you want to save, then save! And say to him ‘I’ve saved some money let’s go on holiday’ instead of morosely sitting indoors by yourself whilst he is on holiday

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 18:00

OP cooking a meal and a few beers doesn’t add up to holidays, weekends away and concerts. I know you are providing what you can for him but they are vastly different. He doesn’t sound miserly for not giving you a free holiday!

I would say the fact he doesn’t invite you or pays for you either means he doesn’t see it as serious or he is being cautious because he knows there is an imbalance

flumpybear · 23/07/2019 18:00

Honestly! I'd retrain whilst you're young (assuming you are!) it's easier, your job is physical so you'll likely only be able to do it for a limited period - plus from your messages you sound quite low - sounds like you need to get out more and experience life, don't let work rule you, retrain and grab life by the balls (like your boyfriend has)

sneakypinky · 23/07/2019 18:01

It sounds like he simply hasn't asked if you want to go because he known you wouldn't be able to afford it.

It wouldn't be reasonable to expect him to pay £1k or so for a holiday.

You've only been together a year. He shouldn't have to cover you financially at this stage.

If he suggested a holiday how could you afford to go?

PooWillyBumBum · 23/07/2019 18:02

You haven’t answered how long you’ve been together.

But either way if a woman came on here saying her boyfriend who doesn’t live with her expected her to bankroll his treats I think the majority would tell her to give herself a slap.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 23/07/2019 18:04

Fuck him off,sounds like he wants you at his back and call just on his terms

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 23/07/2019 18:04

beck not back

VivienneHolt · 23/07/2019 18:05

Firstly who said they are in love?

They’ve been together a year and OP says they’re crazy about each other. This isn’t just a casual few dates here and there.

And why should he pay for everything when OP wont do anything to better her position.

She’s not asking him to pay for everything, she’s asking if it’s reasonable for him to occasionally pay for her to share amazing social experiences with him, given that he can easily afford it. He’s obviously not obliged to do so, but I consider it totally ungenerous for someone in a relationship to keep their partner at arms length from their life instead of using money they can afford to share it.

If a man was complaining his girlfriend wouldnt pay for his holidays, no one would say 'if she loved you she would'

I would. If a man had a girlfriend who earned vastly more than him and she wasn’t paying money she could afford for him to come on holiday with her, I would think she lacked generosity.

I accept that it’s about people’s own priorities, but I would personally prefer to pay for someone I care about to share an amazing experience with me than exclude them because I value the cash more. There’s no obligation for anyone to feel the same way, but I think prioritising money (which you can afford to spend) over people you’re in a relationship with is ungenerous.

ReadMyLipss · 23/07/2019 18:05

He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation

He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc

He sounds like he does his fair share for you already, which is more than you seem to do for him, yet you think he should be doing even more?

Why can't you just suggest doing things within your means and not expect other people to fund the lifestyle you want but can't afford?

Spanielmadness · 23/07/2019 18:05

My DF earns more than me and always has. He’s always paid for our holidays, meals out, day trips etc. He does it because he wants to and I’m very appreciative of everything he does. He’d rather do things with me than not, so he’s very happy to pay.
I will bake his favourite things for him, write him little love notes, etc to show him I love him.

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 18:05

Its says in OP they have been together almost a year (that is quite a big window) and they are early 30s.

Batqueen · 23/07/2019 18:06

Why does he have to suggest it? Why not start with a weekend away that you both pay for that you suggest?

I.e

You: ‘I’ve been feeling really worn out lately and could do with a break. How about we book a long weekend in the Cotswolds/go camping/climb a mountain/ go to the seaside? Let’s keep the budget to £250 each though as I can save that in 3-4 months. What do you think?’

Tigger001 · 23/07/2019 18:06

I think maybe he is trying to be sensitive to your feelings and income.

If he was to invite you on his trips and concerts, surely there is a majority you would have to turn down due to finances - he probably doesn't want you to be in that situation.

Also if he were to offer to pay for you, he is probably worried (as a lot if women do) would be screaming independence and how dare you think you can buy me, control me, yarda yarda.

If you go on family trips with him, then it's clear he likes you meeting his family and spending time with you.

You have only been together a year and he sounds like he has an active social life, it's healthy to both have your own interests.

Have you actually spoken to him about it ? What is his view ?

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 18:07

@Spanielmadness DF as in dear father or dear fiance.

Theres the big factor. Wether it's your dad or fiance, this is ops boyfriend.

And just because one man is happy to bank roll someone he hasnt been with long, doesn't mean everyone is or should be.

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