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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expecting too much

154 replies

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 17:17

Boyfriend of nearly a year has a good job , plenty of disposable income and a great lifestyle . I have a shit job, no money left over after rent and bills and a poor lifestyle. I just about get by. We meet twice a week , his decision as he has a very full and busy social life . I don’t. He doesn’t work in the summer and has lots of holidays going on. He will go on his third holiday at the weekend. All with his friends or family members . He has never invited me nor has he suggested we save or plan to do something In the future . He simply acknowledges that I have no disposable income so won’t be doing anything that costs a bit of money . He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc but when it comes to concerts, travel, festivals, he goes away with friends. Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join .both early 30’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 20:40

I don’t feel like a fuck buddy to him . I haven’t posted about this before . He is very loyal and I trust he doesn’t look at other women on that way . I take your point about a better job but I lack motivation and I was recently
Offered a job but the prospects starring off wee worse that my current job so had to decline .

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 23/07/2019 20:44

I think he's not that interested tbh, twice a week is just for regular sex. At the start you should be both wanting to spenf more time together. As for jobs, some care jobs pay more for the odd sleep in shift as there are rules about how many on duty at night :but in reality you sleep in a room close by with TV & a book. Could you ask an agency if they've got that 2nights a week? My BFF has done so for last 2years & has had the call bell rung once. I don't see he should subsidise any partner all the time either, it should be more equal. You can get really cheap deals for hols on last-minute.com & other sites if you shop around, same as with theatre/show tickets, they don't have to cost, £1k.

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 23/07/2019 21:05

Oh OP, if he were really interested he would want you to be with him at all these social events and holidays. He would happily treat you to a weekend away, that's what partners do. There are plenty of threads where the OP states they earn considerably more than their partner and they don't mind. I just don't think he's that invested. Sorry.

slashlover · 23/07/2019 21:07

OP - What have you done to increase your money/prospects? I'm in a low paid job with long hours, I took a few online courses to increase my job prospects. The OU has several free ones on their Open Learn site, and I am now taking a degree with them, as a low earner I get help with the fees.

I used the Money Saving Expert forums and have managed to reduce my outgoings a little. I also joined several survey sites which I do for some extra money, it doesn't make a fortune but it's money I wouldn't otherwise have. They can be up and down but are great if you're dedicated. For example, with Prolific I have made £9.05 in the last week even though I haven't been completely dedicated, I just cashed a £50 cheque for Populus, which took me just less than 3 months to do. You could set up a separate account for them and save towards a cheap weekend away.

TheFridgeRaider · 23/07/2019 21:07

Yeah. I don't think it's fuck buddy thing. Who takes fuck buddy to family functions.
He is probably keeping it cool because of this

I take your point about a better job but I lack motivation

I know it's harsh, but be honest with yourself. If you were driven and made yourself financially comfortable would you really want someone with no motivation to move up from NMW?

slashlover · 23/07/2019 21:11

He would happily treat you to a weekend away, that's what partners do.

Apart from the (at least) 3 weekends he's already paid for - christening, reunion, wedding etc? The dinners, lunches, cinema tickets etc?

Original poster
Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 21:15

What’s aN NMW

OP posts:
TurnAroundWhenPossible · 23/07/2019 21:17

He would happily treat you to a weekend away, that's what partners do.
Apart from the (at least) 3 weekends he's already paid for - christening, reunion, wedding etc?

Oh woohoo, being treated to family weekends where you have to be on best behaviour and never get any time together, how fabulous and romantic......not.

TheFridgeRaider · 23/07/2019 21:20

NMW - national minimum wage

Original poster
Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 21:21

Yes this bugs me . I didn’t really mean he treats me to these weekends but he has invited me as his guest with all of his family. We rarely get time on our own. Perhaps that is what I’m craving more than anything .i don’t mean to sound grabby but if someone can afford 3k for holidays with friends , would he not prefer to down grade his holidays to spend some
Of that woth me, even it was only a city break where I may. Have a small amount to contribute. I would be happy with picnics, museums, walking around a cheap city but clearly he would not .

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 21:23

how fabulous and romantic......not.

But she cabt afford it and has no motivation to actually increase her earnings

It very much sounds like IP is just floating around, hoping to meet someone with enough money to improve her situation.

He could buy her everything and then dump her next week.

If her lack of money is getting her down she needs to change it for herself.

I would find someone who struggled with money, but didn't want to change it really unattractive of they expect me to fix that issue for them.

Aria999 · 23/07/2019 21:24

Is this your DP...?

Or am I being too mercenary http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3640065-Or-am-I-being-too-mercenary

Happyspud · 23/07/2019 21:29

God I’d hate to be with a man who sat around waiting for me to pay for them to be able to do stuff.

Sort yourself out. You are nobody else’s responsibility assuming you are an adult?

TheFridgeRaider · 23/07/2019 21:30

@Aria999 😮😮😮😮
That's eerie

Tallgreenbottle · 23/07/2019 21:31

You need to up your career if you want to match him OP. Not expect him to offer to fund it.

15YemenRoad · 23/07/2019 21:33

It honestly comes across as you're just hoping someone will come along that will improve your financial situation. You've stated you have no motivation, perhaps now it's time to start being motivated and working towards a better life for yourself.

I bet if you were a male saying all of this, most of the posters will say you were a cocklodger and to dump you immediately.

If I were him, I wouldn't put money towards someone who would happily take and take from me but do nothing to better their situation. Perhaps you're not suited as he seems to be someone who is motivated and works hard to earn what he does and enjoys the rewards of his work.

He treats you now and again but why should he subsidise you on holidays? Have you never thought to actually say to him that you'd like to go somewhere, pick a place and then agree costs and make a plan of it? You expect him to sort it all and pay for everything, you are capable of suggesting a holiday yourself you know.

If you're going to resent his lifestyle, perhaps find someone who is more on your financial level so that you don't feel this way. He's most likely treading carefully to not make you feel shit or put any financial burden on you to go on holidays knowing you may not be able to afford it.

Stop looking for a man to subsidise you and work on yourself and better your life. I bet if you do begin to do that and get some motivation, you'll feel better.

I imagine if you were in his situation you wouldn't want to subsidise anyone to that level either.

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 21:33

@Aria999 definitely could be. Even down to the owning a house with tenants.

Even if it's not. It's the other side to a similar story.

C0untDucku1a · 23/07/2019 21:33

But i lack motivation in someone who doesn't earn enough to have an annual holiday, and seriously £1k isnt even half the cost of a holiday in school holiday time, and someone who has no interest in improving their life, would not be a long term prospect for me. Are you just biding time to being a sahm?

Do an evening course. That will stop you being lonely and might improve your prospects. A carer is not a career that will afford you luxuries.

Original poster
Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 21:40

I have read the posters posts on that but a big difference is that I’ve NEVER. Been financially or otherwise dependent on any man in my life and further more we have not discussed kids .
I doubt that he knows what mumsnet even is. There are more differences but to read about a mans thoughts on a similar situation is an eye opener too. His partner sounds like a leech. I am not a leech . In saying that, I did not read the whole thread , only the posters posts.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/07/2019 21:44

He’s not serious about you. I don’t think there’s enough goodwill and generosity here to build a long term relationship on.

He’s got his life pretty locked down.

slashlover · 23/07/2019 21:45

Oh woohoo, being treated to family weekends where you have to be on best behaviour and never get any time together, how fabulous and romantic......not.

And what has OP done for him? Has she ever taken him away for a night somewhere? Should he pay for her to go to family events and then another holiday as well?

i don’t mean to sound grabby but if someone can afford 3k for holidays with friends , would he not prefer to down grade his holidays to spend some
Of that woth me, even it was only a city break where I may. Have a small amount to contribute. I would be happy with picnics, museums, walking around a cheap city but clearly he would not .

So he shouldn't go on holiday with his mates so he can pay for you to go away instead?

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 21:47

@Greenplasticchairs

But do you see the other side of this? From the mans post? It may not be your boyfriend but it is the other perspective

All you have to do is suggest/ask him to do other things with you, suggest and save for a mini break. He isn’t suggesting it because to him it’s obvious you can’t contribute anything as you have nothing saved and live hand to mouth
All you have to do is want to create a better life. So many people have suggested ways you could improve your life but you just are stuck on this being his fault and him being selfish and not considering you in his life. I repeat again, you are not very compatible

TheFridgeRaider · 23/07/2019 21:49

Op of there was ever the best time to get motivated, isn't it now? Isn't this the kick in the backside to get you do something?
Where do you imagine yourself in 3 years? Still like this?
How can you NOT be motivated to make your life better for yourself? To be able to afford holidays without someone else paying?
You do sound like that girl from the other post. Again. Harsh but truth you probably need to hear.

Original poster
Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 21:56

Thanks .I do listen to posts and know I need to do something .

OP posts:
Feelingwalkedover · 23/07/2019 21:58

I don’t think he’s that in to you .sorry