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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

154 replies

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 17:17

Boyfriend of nearly a year has a good job , plenty of disposable income and a great lifestyle . I have a shit job, no money left over after rent and bills and a poor lifestyle. I just about get by. We meet twice a week , his decision as he has a very full and busy social life . I don’t. He doesn’t work in the summer and has lots of holidays going on. He will go on his third holiday at the weekend. All with his friends or family members . He has never invited me nor has he suggested we save or plan to do something In the future . He simply acknowledges that I have no disposable income so won’t be doing anything that costs a bit of money . He does take me on family weekends away for occasions eg christening, reunion, wedding etc in that he pays for accommodation which is normally split between ten people . He buys the odd dinner, lunch, cinema ticket etc but when it comes to concerts, travel, festivals, he goes away with friends. Are my expectations too high that he might invite me along. He has the money and knows I would love to join .both early 30’s

OP posts:

GeorgeTheFirst · 23/07/2019 18:58

It sounds as though you need a long term plan to improve your financial situation, I'm sure you aren't hoping for a man to do this for you. Maybe he thinks you are doing that?

Original poster

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 18:59

He says his family comes first. Many of his friends live all over so he often travels to them and with them . His local friends are heavily involved in rugby so their social lives revolve around training and games and drinks together

OP posts:

progestermoan · 23/07/2019 18:59

Just a wild guess OP but I’m assuming you are v attractive ....

He sounds like he may unfortunately be using you

1stmonkey · 23/07/2019 19:01

Yes, your expectations are too high. He's not responsible for your lifestyle and shouldn't have to treat you constantly so you don't feel left out. I don't know why you would think that was even acceptable, never mind expect it!
He's got a life, a network of friends, and can fund his choices independently.
You should be doing the same for yourself.
If you're capable of saving some funds, do that, and then you could suggest a concert or something to him?? It's not 1952.
Got to be honest, that is a seriously disappointing attitude from a grown woman.

FilthyforFirth · 23/07/2019 19:01

I wouldnt carry on to be honest. I think that most relationships need to be on a relatively equal financial footing. Those that dont, it is obvious early on that it doesnt matter. This doesnt seem to be the case here so I would move on

Original poster

Greenplasticchairs · 23/07/2019 19:01

I really don’t think he is. We both get lots from the relationship, enjoy each other’s company and always laughing and chatting. I think I am just average . His friends and family think he is punching above his weight ( he told me this) and he was made up .

OP posts:

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 23/07/2019 19:03

If this was a post the other way round where the woman was the higher earner everyone would be saying the bloke is CF to expect her to pay for him to do everything!

Livebythecoast · 23/07/2019 19:04

@PooWillyBumBum - 🤣 there is a willy bum poo poo song if you Google it which is what I was probably thinking of! Enjoy Netflix!

progestermoan · 23/07/2019 19:04

In that case it may be time for a chat to see where you both want things to go from here

CalamityJune · 23/07/2019 19:06

I have been the high(er) earner in a relationship and it does get wearing to miss out on things to save someone's feelings or because you can't afford to pay for two people. In my case BF was making no effort to improve his circumstances and in fact was getting himself into debt over frivolous purchases so I ended it. I had studied and was working hard to build a lifestyle for myself and I didn't want to be weighed down.

LakeIsle48 · 23/07/2019 19:07

You sound lonely OP. Find someone else who wont leave you out. Youve been together for almost a year. I would hate that sort of relationship. Find some who is kinder than him. Good luck, you sound like a nice person!

BlueSkiesLies · 23/07/2019 19:09

Why do you think a boyfriend should increase your living standard? Maybe you should get a better job and solve your own life money problem.

BlueSkiesLies · 23/07/2019 19:12

Also if he takes you along on everything he does, he has to halve his lifestyle in order to pay for you. Is that what you want?

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/07/2019 19:12

OP I think this might be one of those cases where there isn't one partner in the right and one in the wrong, just incompatible.

Your attitudes to finances are incompatible, as is the amount of time you want to spend together and the value you place on ingratiating the other into your friends and family's lives. Look up love languages too, it may be a good way of looking at things.

I personally just can't see how this can naturally progress into a healthy and long term relationship that you can both enjoy.

Sorry OP but I think you should want more than this - I'm not saying either of you are doing anything wrong, just that your relationship expectations are a mismatch.

justasking111 · 23/07/2019 19:19

Aha you said his life revolved around rugby, well there you have the nub of it. They are self involved blokes, women come way down the pecking order. Do you go to watch him play, make friends with his mates girlfriends at the matches?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2019 19:22

What are your long term financial plans if this bloke/or another one don't help you out?
If you were single, Would you be happy pootling along as a carer on the breadline for the rest of your life?
Or would you try harder to find a better job?

I don't think it's fair to expect him to pay any more for you, when you aren't doing anything to better your own situation.

Malyshek · 23/07/2019 19:24

It seems to me that your relationship is not really progressing ?

I have a good job and comfortable income, so I tried to imagine how I would feel if I was your boyfriend. And, well, it would be a bit awkward for sure, but after a year he should know whether he wants an actual relationship. It sounds like he is happy to keep it casual but not willing to commit. Which is fine, but the question is whether you're okay with that. Either way, don't expect things from him. Assume you'll get nothing, and act accordingly, and then you can only be pleasantly surprised.

The question of money aside, there's plenty of stuff you can do that wouldn't cost a lot of money. Picnic at a park or in the forest ? Museums ? Historic sites ? Movies ? Look up what's available in your area and suggest things ! If you can't afford a concert, invite him to the local pub with live music. Don't wait for him to invite you ! Invite him.

Also, it really sounds like you depend on him for your social life. You need to build your own social circle and be independant, you will never regret it.

Take the initiative, build the life you want, don't wait for others to do it for you. At this point, I'm sorry but I think not getting invited to places is the least of your worries.

Crazycrazylady · 23/07/2019 19:26

It seems to me op that you feel he should invite and pay for you to these things?
If that's the case yabu. It's too early days for him to be bankrolling your social life.
Also while you are child free it might be worth thinking about upskilling so you won't always be on the breadline

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/07/2019 19:34

If he were my son I’d tell him to continue as he is or run a mile.

He doesn’t have to pay for anything for you. If you begrudge buying him beer then don’t do it.

You have no commitments and could work more, change jobs etc but instead feel he should subsidise you and increase your lifestyle.

PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 23/07/2019 19:37

OP have you posted about this relationship before? You were concerned that he wasn’t into you, that he really liked a woman he worked with, and posters thought he might be gay? Apologies if not and I’ve lost my last marble.

It sounds tough though. Have you thought about working for the NHS? The HCA pay is low but with plenty of opportunity for bank work to top up, and extras for unsocial hours. And you’d meet new people. I agree with those saying try to build your own life.

gowgow · 23/07/2019 19:37

You are a fuck buddy. Move on, you deserve better.

Parsnippy · 23/07/2019 19:49

I think if you are only seeing each other twice a week and he mostly holidays and goes to concerts without you then it is being kept very casual. If you want casual then that's fine. If you want a serious relationship I would move on now. I don't think the problem is him not wanting to spend his money on you. I think the problem is him not wanting to spend his time with you.

TanyaChix · 23/07/2019 19:55

I think that you should expect to contribute more evenly and if you can’t then you must either look for a way to increase your own income so you won’t be on the breadline (as you say you would be) or accept that another person shouldn’t have to continually spend their own earnings on you or fund major purchases for you. He might want to save for a property or something so it’s not really fair to think that he should be paying for holidays just because you can’t. If you were living together or married etc then it would be different but you’ve met while having very different financial circumstances and are still in the relatively early stages.

LegionOfDoom · 23/07/2019 20:07

I agree with someone upthread that you are just a fuck buddy who looks good on his arm. He really isn’t that into you. I don’t agree that he should be funding holidays and other stuff for you. If you do something, the cost should be split equally. All the other things point at him not feeding you as a long-term relationship.

15YemenRoad · 23/07/2019 20:33

I'm failing to understand why you won't take positive steps to better your financial situation? Are you always going to hope a male subsidises you?

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