Sending money back to PIL - WWYD?

[Namechangedonceagain]

My DH is Indian, and his family live in India. They're wonderful, although very traditional. (For example, we had a very hard time convincing them that we wouldn't be moving to India to live with them in their family home as per the tradition, but they have seem to have finally understood this now and stopped asking.)

We have an awkward situation with them regarding money. Traditionally, as a son, my husband is expected to send money back to the family home to support them. There are four people (parents and grandparents) living their permanently, and his sister and her baby live there half the week (the other half with her husband and his family). PIL buy almost everything for SIL and her baby (may be relevent).

So, DH feels really awkward as there's an expectation that we will send money back to them every month. But they don't need the money. They have another house that they rent out which means they can afford all food and everything else they need on a daily basis. They also have a huge amount of property and land which they could sell if they wanted to and be very wealthy. (I don't mean the land that they live on (which is also huge!) - I mean additional unused land which is seperate to where they live and just going to waste. They don't want to sell it but we aren't sure why, as it's really not used at all and worth a lot of money.) Should add - we only think they should sell a small part of it as they should enjoy their retirement and travel, something they've never done - we don't want any of the money!

Here is my confusion. I asked DH why, traditionally, we should send money that they don't need. He said (traditionally) they'd keep any money that we don't use in a savings account so that any left over after their death would be divided between him and SIL. As SIL isn't expected to contribute any money, this seems odd and unfair to me - so we should give them a proportion of our money each month so that maybe in 30 years we can have half of it back? And SIL can have the other half?

Secondly, he said that he thinks the reason his dad is reluctant to sell part of the land is because he wants to leave it (along with all other land) for DH and SIL in his will. Which is lovely but they've both told him they don't need it and would rather he sold it and enjoyed his retirement!

I guess my question is, how would you deal with this? DH and I don't want to send the money (we really can't afford to send money - any contribution would be a struggle at the moment - especially to people who don't need it) and it seems really odd since they are much wealthier than us and don't need it.

Not only do they have a lot of land and income from tenants but they also gifted SIL several thousand pounds when she got married (again, a tradition) while we got nothing (as not a tradition). It just seems a bit unfair that SIL has thousands of pounds sat in the bank which isn't being used (as PIL pay for everything for her and her baby) and yet we are expected to send our hard earned money to them each month so they can potentially just put it in the bank and give us half back when we are old and hopefully more financially secure! There's no question that SIL should or would contribute in anyway.

We love them but we really aren't in a financial position to send money but don't know how to not play a part in this tradition as it will cause offence (we have already upset them by not living with them so are worried this might really make them upset).

DH isn't traditional at all and has lived abroad a long time so sees this whole thing as just as odd as I do. Keen to add also that we don't blame them at all - we know it's just a tradition which is why they expect it. But if we weren't to give them money they would be a bit hurt and also embarrassed in front of their friends and relatives (who use their children's incomes to show off to each other and compete about whose child buys them the most!)

They would never force us to send money or be angry about it - I don't think (although these traditions seem to run deep so sometimes their reactions to our breaking them are surprising).

WWYD?

Assuming you aren't Indian? Make your tradition that you keep your own money. They are cfers imo.

I would expect my DH to discuss it with his parents.

I don't understand why this is only coming up as an issue now though, surely you discussed all this before you got married.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis
Surely your dh has always sent money home? I’m not sure what’s so weird about the set up. The family property is there for all to live in, the land is saved and passed on from one generation to the next, young working adults pay everyone’s living expenses. Sound unremarkable and very sensible to me.

What is possibly sensible about one adult child paying whilst no one else apparenlty does? What is sensible about a struggle couple going into debt to pay money and pay for trips to India when the family as a whole are very wealthy? What is sensible about the older parents hoarding their wealth just so they can pass it on but expect those very people who will benefit to pay money that they can't afford now? Nothing about this is sensible. It is following tradition for tradition's sake and is frankly time to be designated to the dustbin. The young couple may or may not have sent money in the past but that in no way means they can afford it now. They may have dc, a mortgage, a whole host of expenses now that they didn't have then. Are you the older parents? or the SIL? No one else would think this was sensible.

Personally
I’d send a token amount each month to keep them happy ,I’d explain money is very tight ,but they and their traditions are important to you and you will honour that tradition as best you can within your means to do so.
They probably just want to able to say to their friends that their ds is sending money the same as the others .
That’s just what I’d do to keep the peace .

I would be telling my husband in no uncertain terms that we will NEVER be sending money to his parents. Ever. And then I would tell him he is the one who has to deal with their whinging.

I don´t think there is a way to say no without them being hurt. You will just have accept that they will be hurt and do it anyway, or send the money as expected. They have come around to the fact you won't be moving there, they may come around to this too in a while. I wouldn't let the fear of hurting someone's feelings stop you from living the life you want to lead.

Is Dh sending it at the moment on a regular basis or how is it done? I'd simply stop sending it and if they then have the brass neck to ask where it is just tell them you cannot afford it, and never really could. It might be different if Dh and yourself lived over there but you don't so I wouldn't feel bad for not keeping up with this ridiculous tradition when they don't need the money. Why the hell should Dh be supporting his sister when she has a husband?

Just a point
But traditions go two ways ,so the son sends a token amount monthly,parents happy and on their death they give son half their wealth.
Or son dosnt send token amount as per tradition,and sil gets the estate .

Yes . I think the ask them to sell and give you the money to buy a house you own, then you can send the money that would have gone on a mortgage, and they can boast about that.

Hi ambereeree - no, everything will be divided 50/50 between DH and SIL. Which is how it should be imo, no complaints there! It just seems odd to add our own cash to the pile to be divided equally .

Also, it's actually not the tradition for parents to pay for SIL and her child after marriage - her husband should pay by tradition. But to cut a long story short, he's a little odd and it's not a happy marriage (arranged very quickly). He doesn't believe his wife should ever stay in her parents home (as this isn't the tradition) and refuses to pay for anything for her and baby while she insists on staying there half the week. But that's another story!

Traditionally your SIL would have gone to live with her DH's family and she would be looking after her PIL. Presumably because your DH has gone abroad that is why your SIL spends half the week at her parents house - because you are not there as the married daughter-in-law!

Sons (and their wives) are a pension plan in India.

Can your DH have a frank conversation with his parents and explain about your own living situation and talk honestly about how they feel abut him sending money back?

Can you send a token amount?

Maybe it’s time for your DH to explain that these traditions are outdated and time for a change. It seems all based on appearances, why would you discuss your finances with friends? They obviously like to be seen as these wealthy landowners rather than be practical; nobody needs huge amounts of land.
Sell some land, get income and not leave you and yours struggling for the sake of appearances.

Sorry - cross posted about the SIL.

its an asian thing - fairly normal. If you cant afford it - just tell them.

Time for the tradition to change me think

I can totally get where it came from but your DH needs to break the tradition.

I bet even when they are unable to take care of themselves, the land won't be sold to pay for their care. It will fall on your DH

Thanks for replies everyone ! We are very happy not to be given anything in the will and have said this many times - we are really working hard to buy our own property at the moment and this seems much more important to us then inheriting a lot of land in a country we don't live in in thirty or forty years, when we plan to be much more financially stable. We would much rather PIL sold anything they don't use and spend the money on themselves and grandPIL - they deserve it! They've never treated themselves in their lives and this is why they have so much now. It would be lovely for them to be able to travel and enjoy the money they have worked so hard for. They have all said they would love to travel! We really don't want anything from them and would never rely on the idea of inheritance for our future.

I think you're all right that we should discuss this with them, and face to face would be best. It is true that we would prefer to be able to visit them. I guess one reason it's difficult to explain is because one of the reasons we told them we don't want to live in India is the salary (in my profession it would take me a year to earn 50% of my monthly salary here, for example). So they don't understand that we aren't well off (and think if we aren't well off now then we might as well move in with them anyway!) If you see what I mean.

But next time we go we will sit down and explain it like recommended (I think it's a great idea to emphasise how much we value being able to come and visit them and that seeing them face to face is more important than having money from them when they're not here anymore, which isn't important to us at all!

And sorry to posters who have said it sounds familiar - I guess it might be a fairly common issue among those with Indian partners? As the cultures are so different and cultural expectations can cause awkward situations like these. Having family from a different culture is amazing 99% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way! But it's just the odd thing that pops up that can be difficult to deal with sometimes

Can your husband explain that you are in a multicultural marriage and that it is not a tradition in the UK? The cost of living here is expensive and is based on a two-income household that is not contributing to the upkeep of extended family. As such, you simply cannot afford to send them money they don't need and save for holidays to visit them. Perhaps they would be content with an annual visit from you instead.

To me it's irrelevant whether you can afford it or not - once you do have a bit of spare cash, is your DH really expecting you to send it off to his wealthy parents instead of spending it on you and your DCs? I'd nip that in the bud right now!
Absolutely this.

it's actually not the tradition for parents to pay for SIL and her child after marriage - her husband should pay by tradition

Yes, I'd been wondering about that ... but if they're prepared to "change the tradition" because of SIL's marital circumstances, why not also change it because of your financial ones?

Of course I understand they simply don't want to, but in life we can't always have exactly what we want, exactly as we want it. Personally I'd be telling them that - though I also agree with the PP who wondered why this wasn't all thrashed out before you married into another culture

Can you please clarify if PILs have actually asked for money, or is it just expected unspokenly?

Also, as another poster asked, surely your DH was already paying their allowance before you married?

I think it’s a good set up in a country that has little social infrastructure. In the uK we are moving towards this model as our country strains to keep nhs, benefits etc going for an ever larger level of dependents. You can’t have failed to notice children stay at home longer, are funded by parents for longer, expect help with weddings, childcare, deposits?

It's tricky, and we have a similar situation. I'm of the view that once those traditions were needed- the younger man of the house was needed to provide to allow the elders to basically survive . However times change, and ultimately I would tell them you won't be expecting your children to provide for you, and so you have made the decision to provide and send no more money and you would rather save for your children. Times are harder and not everyone has disposable income left to give. You will be guilt tripped etc but stand firm.

I know you don't have a time machine to go back and change the past, and I'm not trying to be arsey here, but I'm genuinely struggling to get my head around how this issue hasn't been discussed before now? Surely these are the sorts of conversations that you have before you get married, especially when you know there's going to be some culture clashes.

Would I be right in guessing that you did discuss this, and that your DH said it wouldn't be a problem? Or that he never told you about this tradition because he wasn't planning on following it, and is now changing his stance because of family/cultural pressures? Just a stab in the dark...

If I'm right in my guess then this is 100% down to your DH to deal with. He needs to either send them a small token amount out of respect, or just flat out say no.

If I'm wrong and you knew all along that this situation would arise then I think you need to be respectful of the culture you married into. That doesn't necessarily mean bending to their every whim, as your own culture is relevant here too, but it does mean that you need to respect his culture and be mindful of what is expected. Mixed marriages are tricky and they require compromise.

My friend who's Indian just pays his parent's a little, here and there as he's not on a high wage.
Not every child earns high wages and can afford to do it.
Sounds like your sister in law will look after them in old age- at least that isn't expected of you!