To think I've blown it? Came on too strong?

[laughoutloudt]

I'm casually dating someone and we've been getting on great.
We speak every day and have fun together.
I've asked him twice if he wants to do something and both times he said he had plans.
Am I coming on too strong by not going with the flow?
He's texting me every day still and he said he just needs me to relax and not be so intense.

None of us know the situation so we can’t possibly tell you if you’re coming on too strong.

He’s the one you’re in this situation with and he’s telling you that you’re too intense. I’d listen to him rather than strangers on the internet who don’t know you!

On the face of it, asking to make plans isn’t “coming on too strong.”

He might just be a fuck boy who isn’t worth your effort!

he said he just needs me to relax and not be so intense

That's what he thinks, and he's the only person whose opinion matters, other than yours!

It sounds like he is happy with this being casual and he doesn't want to make it more than it is right now, but he can see that you're trying to. Do you want to make it more? Are you happy with where it is?

Yeah in would like to make it more.
I want to be official but I know he's happy to be as and when (on his terms )
Do you think the fact he is still messaging means I haven't blown it? And he's still interested ?

Gawd really??

You’ve asked him twice if he’d like to go out and that’s to strong?

I wouldn’t waste another minute on him.

After only 2 dates, I am still getting the measure of someone, and thinking about whether or not I'd like to see them again.
It's too early to talk about 'going official'!
Play it cool OP, as you'll lose him if you don't.

I was also asking him if he wasn't interested tell me and il find someone who is
I said what's wrong why don't you want to go out etc

@laughoutloudt with all due respect, you want more, he’s not willing to do it.

You want to decipher what his messages mean...

This isn’t good. I’d move on to someone who wants the same things you do!

Ok, yeah you’re being way too heavy!

I’d run a mile in his shoes!

You're not doing anything wrong. You are only communicating your interest. If he's still texting you unprompted then he's probably still interested yes. In what context did he mean you need to relax?

'I was also asking him if he wasn't interested tell me and il find someone who is'

Blimey

@IvanaPee which way am I being heavy
I really struggle to in these situations

After I asked him out twice
I just said
"If your not interested in seeing each other again that's fine but will you let me know and il stop wasting my time"
I didn't think I was being intense

He wants to keep things casual. If you’re already having sex he’s getting all he wants already.

I wouldn't message again now. He obviously knows you are kee.

Keen

Impossible to tell as pp said - I personally would have thought speaking every day is quite full on (but if it works out you’re calling each other an equalish amount it’s fine - if it’s you calling him every day & he’s not getting the chance to call you as you’re constantly ringing then that’s probably what he means? If that’s the case just try & make sure he’s the one to call next after each time you’ve called and you’ll get an idea of the level he’s comfortable with).

Also make plans - without him, be busy & having fun regardless of him & if & when he suggests something then say yes if you’re free & no if you’re not.

For me there’s nothing worse than feeling claustrophobic & I’ve run from anyone who I felt was needy (constant reassurance required or dropping in future plans, making endless plans in the early days etc), although I have plenty of friends - male and female who ran full pelt into relationships like that so each to their own I guess! If he’s saying what he’s saying though & you think he’s a decent man then listen & back off a bit if you want to make it work. Good luck 😉

It was Friday when I said all of that and he has messaged me every day since then.
He texts when at work too.
He's confusing me a lot.

He text me at 7am before work

I'd cut down on the texting a bit - all day every day is too much for anyone (and I appreciate he is texting not just you)

keep it very casual - I would make my own plans, he's twice turned you down for going out - going out together is hardly coming on strong (unless going out consisted of 'meet my whole family' or 'spend the weekend in a rural cabin miles form anywhere')
See if he suggests going out - if he doesn;t then he's not interested in a relationship. He may have genuinely had plans, or he may be stringing you along.

How long have you been seeing each other?

Just relax, if it'll be it'll be. Rushing to put a name on it won't change anything if either of you is doing it unwillingly.

I think the whole tell me if you don’t like me stuff, coupled with the what’s wrong stuff is too much.

And remember, there is a large percentage of men who enjoy this sort of thing. They’ll text and flirt and then they’ll call you a bunny boiler and laugh down the pub with their mates.

as I said, you want different things. That’s ok! But I would just move on.

Sounds like he's stringing you along.

There are plenty of mature men who don't play silly games. Go and find one of them.

We need more info: you've been casually dating - for how long? A few weeks, a few months? Makes a difference.

We have fun together - how often do you see him? Not talk on the phone and have a laugh, actually see him? And what do you do … meals, cinema, walks, at home?

Because I can't make out whether you're actually physically meeting, or just having fun over the phone.

How did you meet? In person, or online?

How many dates have you been on? In my experience guys who are genuinely interested want to make it ‘official’ after 2-4 dates but guys who just want a fuck buddy never commit to that.

The message you sent saying ‘let me know if you’re not interested and I’ll find someone else’ is needy and intense. I’d be inclined to say ‘find someone else then’ in his shoes tbh.

Time for my favourite dating mantra: It Shouldn’t Be This Difficult.

By which I mean, when you meet someone decent and committed who properly likes you and sees potential in your relationship, you won’t have to second guess your every move and wonder whether totally normal behaviours like asking someone if they want to hang out is coming on too strong, or monitor your behaviour for signs that you’re not playing it sufficiently cool, or curtailing your feelings in case they aren’t what the other person wants.

If you can’t be yourself with this guy because you’re scared that normal feelings and emotions are too much for him, there’s a good chance that there is a fundamental compatibility issue.

I spent years thinking that relationships required you to carefully monitor your interactions with potential partners to hide your interest and maintain a casual veneer until you’d subtly shown them you were worth a shot. It’s bullshit. When you meet someone you’re actually compatible with, and who wants to be with you and pursue an actual relationship, you won’t have to play this game.