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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to Give Student Son More Money

154 replies

Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 18:26

Son is just finishing 2nd Year University in London. He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan. He is really lucky that a wealthy family member lets him stay in a lovely flat for free. They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays. He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation. He is aware that we could pay for it as both he and our other children went to private school and obviously his own fees have stopped. My OH is adamant that we shouldn't pay him any more as he needs to learn independence. We both came from much poorer backgrounds and the money that we have now has only come from a successful business. We had a really difficult year with the business but it is all more stable now. Son is aware that we have recently sold assets and could pay him more. AIBU to resist paying more? He hasn't directly asked but talks a lot about his student debt. From our point of view, he has a really easy time as a student and the debt is part of him being more independent in the long run. But he seems to think that we aren't paying for the flat so don't give as much as other people in our financial situation might give. Any advice?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 22/07/2019 18:28

nope - he can work for his money like the rest of us

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 22/07/2019 18:30

It sounds like he gets enough already and should be grateful for what he's got.

TheABC · 22/07/2019 18:30

He is lucky to be getting free accomodation. I am not sympathetic: when does he expect the parental handouts to stop? Assuming he gets a job in London, he will be in for a shock at the cost of renting.

maslinpan · 22/07/2019 18:30

Your OH is right.

JoyceJeffries · 22/07/2019 18:31

Stop the £100 allowance a week holiday allowance. He can get a job.

MadamePompadour · 22/07/2019 18:33

Well he gets free accommodation. Paying fees is pretty daft for most students as the majority never pay the full amount back. I'm fairly sure Martin Lewis says don't pay up front.

Shadowboy · 22/07/2019 18:34

My parents have a saying “ give them enough to do something, but not so much they do nothing”

My kids will be treated in the same way.

pinkyredrose · 22/07/2019 18:34

A free flat, you pay for his car and give him a £100 a week?! that's more than a lot of people on here have.

He's got shitloads already, if he wants more he can fucking well work for it!

Ps. why are you babysitting for the landlords, shouldn't he be doing that?

MadamePompadour · 22/07/2019 18:34

DD starts uni in Sept and will live at home, so will get free board and lodging. I have said that pocket money, phone bill, etc stops in Sept. She will need to pay for it all herself. I could afford to carry on but she's 18yo and needs to learn some independence.

Malyshek · 22/07/2019 18:35

Usually I'm in favour of parents supporting their children but in this case your son sounds unappreciative of what you're already giving him. I think giving him more would not do him a favour.

Is there even a reason he's asking for this, other than "my friends get more" ? If he has enough money for food, supplies and the occasional bit of fun, then he's all set and doesn't actually need more money.

Berthatydfil · 22/07/2019 18:35

I have 2 in uni and one hopefully going in sept.
All work and have nothing like the arrangements you describe.

Sewrainbow · 22/07/2019 18:36

You're doing enough for him.

My younger ds's try the "my friends get ....". This is no different, just say on repeat. "It doesn't matter what x does. We are doing this so you can learn to budget, become responsible etc. You already get xyz which many young people don't".

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/07/2019 18:37

A free flat, free car, no fuel costs and £100 a week for free?

Holy shit the real world is going to be a shock!

I worked in the union at university, in the evenings and the day I had off.

In all seriousness though, reality has to bite sometime, I think he needs a bit of a reality check. He's living a very, very privileged existence and it doesn't sound like he appreciates it one bit.

MarianneAgain · 22/07/2019 18:38

I don't give my son an allowance during the holidays - if he CBA to get a summer job I really don't see why I should.
He lives at home during the summer and we feed him - youngsters need to learn that money doesn't grow on trees and the best way to have enough to do what you want is to work for it!

Purpleartichoke · 22/07/2019 18:38

I believe parents have a responsibility to support their children through university. For me, it’s no different than other expenses of raising a child. Thankfully loans are available for extreme circumstances just like benefits are available as a safety net, but they are just that, a safety net.

BogglesGoggles · 22/07/2019 18:39

If he didn’t want a debt he shouldn’t have gone to uni. I’m your position I would pay but that’s a purely personal choice. He has no right to rely on it.

badtime · 22/07/2019 18:39

Tell him that you'll give him more money, but that the family member will have to start charging him rent so he'll be in the same situation as these other people he's talking about.
He's an ungrateful idiot.

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 18:42

What!? I went to Uni in London around 2012 and it sounds like he has it made. You won’t do him any favours giving him more money, he needs to learn the value of it and how to budget.

Drum2018 · 22/07/2019 18:43

He sounds like a petulant 5 year old "my friends have xyz so I want it" . I'd be cutting back on the £100 and telling him to get a job to fund himself from now on.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 22/07/2019 18:43

Your OH is right. There is no reason he can't get a job over the summer either so i wouldn't be handing over £100 a week!

I'm well aware that times have changed but I got fuck all from my (wealthy) parents whilst at uni. I paid my own rent, all my bills and everything else. They would have laughed in my face if I'd asked for money over the summer holiday.

Ash39 · 22/07/2019 18:44

Tell him to get a job

Original poster

Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 18:55

Ps. why are you babysitting for the landlords, shouldn't he be doing that?

Yes, he does baby sit as well for the family concerned. It's a family member not a landlord as such. We have always baby sat. It's not a condition of the flat, more an example of how close we areas a family. The flat is empty otherwise so there is no loss of income.

OP posts:

saavi · 22/07/2019 18:57

I was at UCL (just finished) and my parents didn't give me a penny! Your son is very lucky, you should remind him.

saavi · 22/07/2019 18:58

I was surrounded by wealthy kids but never used that as an excuse!

JaniceBattersby · 22/07/2019 18:59

The very best gift you can give to your son right now is to teach him there’s no such thing as a free dinner. As long as he has enough for the basics, if he wants more then he can graft for it.

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