Not to Give Student Son More Money

[Irishgurl]

Son is just finishing 2nd Year University in London. He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan. He is really lucky that a wealthy family member lets him stay in a lovely flat for free. They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays. He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation. He is aware that we could pay for it as both he and our other children went to private school and obviously his own fees have stopped. My OH is adamant that we shouldn't pay him any more as he needs to learn independence. We both came from much poorer backgrounds and the money that we have now has only come from a successful business. We had a really difficult year with the business but it is all more stable now. Son is aware that we have recently sold assets and could pay him more. AIBU to resist paying more? He hasn't directly asked but talks a lot about his student debt. From our point of view, he has a really easy time as a student and the debt is part of him being more independent in the long run. But he seems to think that we aren't paying for the flat so don't give as much as other people in our financial situation might give. Any advice?

Your son cooking for others is only a good thing. It shows kindness and awareness of hw others are living. He's using his privileged life to help others and that's only a good thing.

Anyway, I have got to do some work now. This is quite addictive. I really appreciate the replies. I know students struggle, I know he is lucky. The query was really should we pay the expected amount as we can and his costs are only reduced because of the kindness of another family member. It wasn't a request to allow us to give lots of money to our son because we think the little darling needs it. I think we will carry on for now and see if we help more after the last child has graduated (if they go to uni).
It's been lovely hearing about some hard working young people and I am sure we will all be super proud of them when they graduate. I will also show him the comments. I bet the spoilt, man child quotes will provide amusement too!

He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation.

Diddums.
I'd be nipping that gobsmacking entitlement in the bud.

Given a car, car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food, given £100 pw through the holidays & GIVEN free rein of a rent-free flat ... all this & YOU are offering free babysittiing to repay the flat-owners - how lovely it would be if he could see how very much more than half-full his glass is.

He should start paying for his car insurance etc otherwise he will always feel entitled. £100 a week? What about getting a job. My 20 year of DS is really lazy and didn't manage to get himself a summer job - he doesn't get anything from me as that was his choice. He has to learn not to rely on handouts.

"Why should a nearly 20 year old be assessed for uni fees on the salary of his parents? He is an individual in his own right not a half person dangling off us." I CAN'T believe you even had the nerve to write that! You ARE letting him dangle off you - far more than most students do!

"I think if you aren't careful you will be supporting him when he gets a job, when does it stop?" Quite!

You're doing him no favours continuing him to live in a bubble of non reality.

I can't believe given he must be at least 19 that you still almost fell for "but my friends parents..." Really any parent that takes any heed of that nonsense needs to get a clue!

"It's not really comparable to a young child asking for an X Box" of course it is! It's setting boundaries, it's teaching them "want" vs "need"

"The point of uni is to gain a degree " that's ONE point of uni and agreed a major one but it's not the ONLY point. It's also a further step on the road of transition from childhood to adulthood, which should have really been started several years earlier.

"He is looking at our finances and querying why we have made different decisions when compared with the other parents in his school friendship group." YOUR finances are actually NONE of his business! Why are you letting a 19 yr old kid tell you what to do with YOUR money that YOU earned and which he has made no contribution to?!

"we try so hard to make them be aware that their situation is one of great privilege and that they have to give back to society." Genuinely interested how exactly you've done this - as he isn't acting as if you have.

"How can he be in a wealth bubble when he is feeding some of the students on his course?" Because playing Lord magnanimous is NOT the same as truly understanding how lucky he is!

This may even be the last time in his life he gets the chance to experience living on a budget and possibly getting an insight into the lives of those who have to do this forever. It's an educational experience that I wish more well off parents would give their DC - maybe then we wouldn't have a country in the mess it is!

He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan.

A maintenance loan is based on parent income? How much is he eligible for?
How much top up do you give him? His living arrangements are not really material to this. There is an expectation that parents contribute.

What is he using his maintenance loan for?

Did you answer this?

Sorry to be slow. Busy and hot. Some nice aggressive answers (thank you Graphista).

So... DS gets the lowest level of maintenance level. Out of this he pays for all travel (across London and home one night a fortnight) , internet and phone line, books and equipment, clothes, college society sport fees, food (and he eats a lot). We top up food as he raids my fridge if there is extra etc. I'm aware that his girlfriend is from a very tight background and he usually buys their food. She is lovely and I am very okay with this.

He isn't 'grabby' or 'entitled'. He is just aware that he has finished uni year 2 and is overdrawn. It's not enough to cause a major problem and he knows that he is going to have to start work asap on graduation. But the offer of the flat is available after graduation too so it's not like he is going to be thrown out on the streets.

I really take issue with the idea that someone from private school knows nothing about life. Believe you me, life problems exist everywhere and I am sometimes astonished at what goes on with very affluent families. One father was expelled last year as he was a Russian diplomat . The child just had to pack up and go a few weeks before his GCSE's and hasn't been heard of since.Many children are boarding because a parent (or both) has died. Many, many children have divorced parents with complicated stories. And the pressure on many of the children is huge as parental expectations are so high. At the end of the day, these are teenagers you are talking about. They are still finding their way. It's unfair to think that they can't be as considerate as anyone else, just because they are privately educated.

I did not imply that my son was aware of people outside a 'wealth bubble' because he cooks extra food. I said that he was aware that friends on his course were not eating much so he offered food.

There doesn't seem to be much difference between these teenagers and the ones I went to school with. They are perhaps more worldly in both a good and bad way. They are quite used to talking to people who don't go to private school you know!

And I expect the things that we do with our children are the same that other people do with theirs- we teach them to be respectful and to help other people. This is backed up by extensive volunteering in school from age 11. I can't say I remember doing this in school.

My point was that we are expected to top up the maintenance because we earn over the threshold. We don't pay the whole amount suggested because DS already has the benefit of a free flat. Like most students, he is feeling the pinch at this time of the year. That's how the discussion started.

I actually think London is a great city to be a poor student in - so much free stuff going on, loads of discounts for students, employment easy to find if your course allows it etc. If you have accommodation sorted it is as cheap or as expensive as you make it.

I'm obviously not making myself clear (I'll put it down to me being too hot). The AIBU is about the fact that we don't give him the full top amount that a student on minimum loan is expected to get from parents. We don't give it because he already has the flat for living in. We could afford it and this has come into conversation now because DS is skint (not starving) and we have encouraged him to do an unpaid intern (because it is a fantastic opportunity). And he can't work in term time due to the type of course and the hours. ( No one works on his course during term but yes some do work during holidays). I don't think he is spending all his cash on clubs etc. Maybe goes to see films and theatre stuff and some sport matches but always seems to do it through cheapy ticket schemes that are available for students.

Really though, you must know there's such a divide here money wise, what sort of answers do you expect? My ds is at uni, we earn 32k between us a year. We help as much as we can. End of. He works part-time. Lives at home but didn't until recently.
The scenario your boy had, my son will ever have. So me saying give him more/less doesn't really matter as I'll never live in your shoes.
It's up to how you feel and you'll know in your gut how you feel.
You say you're a close family, sit down and discuss it together.

Team DH.
If your DS stopped feeding the world, he probably wouldn't have the financial issues.
Good on you for helping him with expenses during the internship but with a free flat, I think he has plenty of scope to learn to budget and is inn a better situation than many other students.

As an aside, my oldest DS had learnt a hard lesson this term after funding various friends for lunches, loans and treats out of his substantial birthday money ( overly generous grandparents). He's now broke, and no one will return the favour. He's feeling very put out and used, but it was a good lesson for him to learn. We haven't replaced any money for him or given him extras because he needs to learn not to play the role of the big man financial supporting friends, or loaning money unless he can afford to write it off.

Irishgurl, wow. Lots of different responses here!
You sound like a lovely Mum trying her best, and honestly I think you're doing all you can whilst trying not to spoil your son.
I'm inclined to agree with your husband, it will do him good to have less than he would like.
I know it isnt quite the same, but at 19 I was quite alone, and struggling for money- it has helped me no end.
It gave me a respect for money and how to handle it to get the most out of the situation, and in turn that's given me the trust in myself should we become hard up again (seriously hoping not!) That I have the ability to see us through on a very small amount. A skill that I believe my husband was robbed of by having it too easy with his mum before we met!

All the best.

Thank you for all the comments and some good advice. I agree with the OP who said that some of the problem is that we lived hand to mouth as children and my children live in a different financial world. I can still remember being very badly dressed and quite hungry around students who had just so much money. I'm trying to find a balance.
I feel a lot calmer now that DS is home (he only finished uni at the weekend so a very long term).

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

And yes, it turns out that he has been subbing his girlfriend quite a bit. But I really don't mind this. It hardly counts as 'feeding the world'. He can hardly sit and not watch her eat. She couldn't try much harder in life than she does.

If you can afford it, why not?

I help my DD as do her grandparents esp with her car! but she also has a part time Uni holiday job as a home visit carer, that has been a real eye opener for her, she has really grown up recently.

I've not reduced the amount i give her, i don't want her stressing over money, she works hard at Uni and her job.

If she was a lazy slob that would be different.

He needs to get a job, he sounds lazy and entitled. I certainly wouldn’t be giving him £100 a week. Also does he really need a car in London?

EL888

How many times do i have to write that he doesn't have the car in London. And how is he lazy in full time education and working on an internship?

Mumsnet is such a weird place. Lots of comments from people who obviously take great care when they post and give great, balanced advice. Then others who just spout out the first aggressive thing that comes into their head. Such a pity!

Why doesn't he get a bar job to supplement his money? He's lazy and entitled.

And greedy.

@Irishgurl most people would use the money their parents give them for rent, if you calculated market value of monthly rent for his place he is probably recieving the same if not more than most of his mates who are saying how much they get. If you have the means to it is obviously up to you, but he isn't being deprived by not recieving anything else, he is extremely forunate.

You don’t need to repeat yourself, Irish - you just need to say RTFT with an

So many people just read the first post and can’t be arsed to read the rest of the replies that would shed more light on things. Those posters don’t think of it as a conversation, I guess. Their loss!