Not to Give Student Son More Money

[Irishgurl]

Son is just finishing 2nd Year University in London. He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan. He is really lucky that a wealthy family member lets him stay in a lovely flat for free. They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays. He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation. He is aware that we could pay for it as both he and our other children went to private school and obviously his own fees have stopped. My OH is adamant that we shouldn't pay him any more as he needs to learn independence. We both came from much poorer backgrounds and the money that we have now has only come from a successful business. We had a really difficult year with the business but it is all more stable now. Son is aware that we have recently sold assets and could pay him more. AIBU to resist paying more? He hasn't directly asked but talks a lot about his student debt. From our point of view, he has a really easy time as a student and the debt is part of him being more independent in the long run. But he seems to think that we aren't paying for the flat so don't give as much as other people in our financial situation might give. Any advice?

I agree with your OH. Tell DS to get a job if he wants more money.

I wouldn't let my children get into debt if I could afford to help.

If he were to receive a full student loan, the rent would eat up the difference (at least) compared to what he gets. My DS gets a full parental contribution, and that all goes in rent.

I don't think its wise to let your daughter to use her inheritance to pay fees unless she's guaranteed to be a mega earner. Martin Lewis has all the information on this.

Stop the £100 allowance a week holiday allowance. He can get a job.

Realistically, it makes more sense to let him learn to budget and grow up.

That said, the people on my uni course who didn't have to work often did a lot better and were a lot less stressed.

I always think I'd have had an easier time getting better grades if I wasn't working a horrible job and living paycheck to paycheck while studying full time.

You know your own son though, so you know wether he'd be forced to get a job by this, and you know wether he'd waste any extra money you gave him.

@Irishgurl I think it would be a useful exercise if you sat down together and worked out how much he would have to earn to replicate his lifestyle, I bet it would be very sobering indeed.

Lucky boy! Ds pays £900 a month for a tiny room in a shared house in London. He works 12 hours a week (as he has done since 16) and full time in the summer and Xmas holidays

Hi OP

I think you should treat your children fairly. But this does not mean 100pc equally

For example say you paid for or plan to pay for accommodation and half the course fees for your other children, you should ensure he gets his accommodation and half course fees paid for as well. If he gets free accommodation the great for you. But to hand over that money to him would mean that he was getting a load more spending money than his siblings which isn't fair when hes probably already getting much better accommodation (I bet it's not a manky student bedsit)

And the government takes into account finances of the parents in the decision because most people in society want to support their kids through higher education if they can ans then the limited resources go towards those who couldn't afford it at all other wise

@HarryElephante

"Help him out"

How is throwing money at him "helping" him?

How much will be "enough"? Should they give him another £100 a week? What happens when that's not enough? Should they also pay for his nights out?
Maybe they should buy all his clothes for him too?

It's not like the man is working all hours and struggling to make ends meet and he's asked for help from parents, because his rent has increased and he can't do more hours because he's studying... He is literally having a tantrum about wanting more money because "all his friends do"

You'd hear that line from a 9 year old wanting a particular expensive item because "everyone else has them" - not an adult...

OP

You sound like great parents.
Your son sounds like a great lad.

However, like most young men surrounded by friends that get a lot of money from their parents, they can get confused!

I think your DH is correct. Your son gets enough.

When he is finished and starts a job and you see he is on the right path, then, and only then might you help him with his student debt.
If you really wanted to. Don't give him any hint that you might help with his debt.

Before that I wouldn't do anymore than you are doing.

Too many students can be derailed because the Bank of Mum and Dad is too easy to access.

Keeping it real is very important for children.

Telling him how proud you are of him and how hard he works is good to do.

A free flat, free car, no fuel costs and £100 a week for free?

Add to that no food costs...
If he hasn't asked for more, don't give it another thought.

"Loan for the fees as that is more like a graduate tax."

This.

You and he have to stop thinking of his student loan as debt and more of a graduate tax. It doesn't affect credit rating, isn't taken to account when applying for a mortgage, will only be deducted from pay the same as NI and even then only based on earnings. The woe is me, I'm so heavily in debt thing doesn't really wash with me (and i owe student finance around £45k). I'm sure hes a lovely, hard working boy but he's trying it on to get you to reach deeper into your pocket. He doesn't need it, he just wants it, there is a stark difference.

I think he needs a bit of perspective, if you are going to continue to let him live for free, perhaps he ought to get a job volunteering with those less fortunate to see how a tough life actually looks.

Unless he's doing a course like nursing which has lots of placements, you created this problem by being ridiculous and treating him like a kid. (£100 pw allowance in holidays!! 🤣) I have an 18 yo who is hopefully off to uni in the autumn and for the past almost 2 years, he's been working part-time during term-time and has been working full-time this summer after A-levels in preparation for university.

most students don't get a private flat!

My parents paid my £360 rent in a shared student house. I was incredibly grateful. For my beer money I worked ad hoc shifts and summers in a nursing home. I had a loan.

"You and he have to stop thinking of his student loan as debt and more of a graduate tax. It doesn't affect credit rating, isn't taken to account when applying for a mortgage,"

I think it is taken into account in the sense that it affects affordability testing for a mortgage, isn't it? So the repayments are treated as an 'outgoing' . The assurances that it wouldn't be taken into account were a bit confusing to me, for that reason! I think what they mean is that the lender won't run away from you in horror just because you already have a debt of £50k.

I am not so sanguine about the large amounts of debt I must admit - mainly because of the possibility that the government may change the terms of existing loans re repayment levels, the write-off etc. Not on the cards immediately perhaps, but in the medium-term can't rule out the possibility.

Draw up a mock bill for the holidays. Rent for six weeks at the going rate for the area, car costs/wear and tear/allowance and anything else you pay for. Present it to him!

I'm boggling at the £100 a week allowance plus car costs plus "etc". Mobile phone? Gym contract?

I am with your husband on this one, your son is a fortunate young man. He's done two years, why is it now that he's raising this? He knew at the outset what the funding arrangements were, it's not as if anything has changed along the way.

Lots of good points thank you. And yes of course I realise that most students have a very hard time financially. I was born in a council house to very, very young parents who had left school at 16. They were utterly proud of all of their children going to university and helped out as much as they could. I think the argument is that we are not helping out , 'as much as we can' and most of DS's school friends are actually getting a lot more. We (and particularly OH) think that we need to make a stand whilst he is a student as this is part of the whole experience of growing up. But it is hard when this is not the norm for privately educated children. Most of his friends are receiving very large amounts of parental income and apparently we are being judged as 'tight' by these parents for not helping more. I'm pretty sure what we are doing is right but just wanted to have anonymous advice.

Just answering other points raised, my daughter will use her (smallish) inheritance as a university buffer and will still take at the loans. And yes my son does have compulsory work experience in the holidays and his course is slightly unusual in that he has set daytime hours of attendance 9.00am to 6.00pm. And not all universities courses encourage students to work in term time. I know we weren't allowed to work in term time at Oxford University but this was admittedly years ago. And I am very interested to hear the view that some students on 'full on' courses might benefit from more financial help if it helps them concentrate on studies.

Last point- my son seems to cook for many of his friends on his course as he is the only one with such a nice kitchen. Particularly at the end of term when finances are tighter for many. He really enjoys this but it does eat into his own budget too.

It is really difficult for them so I'm a bit at some comments but if he's finished interning and can find some temp work then he should do that until he goes back. No more allowance raises!

My dd will have to intern next summer, she also isn't allowed a part time job during term time, although she may ask if she can fit in a few hours a week. We pay all her phone, medical and food costs at the moment. She is working but it's not that easy to find a job for three months (family connections helped her).

my son seems to cook for many of his friends on his course as he is the only one with such a nice kitchen. Particularly at the end of term when finances are tighter for many. He really enjoys this but it does eat into his own budget too.

He needs to ask his friends to make a contribution to ingredients. Valuable life lesson in there, too. If he gets less money than the others - who are all sorry for him and his 'tight' parents - then surely they're not as skint as he is at the end of term and can afford to chip in...?

If he’s on the kind of course that expects unpaid internships I have some sympathy as it’s not the same as shying away from holiday work, but if he’s got free accommodation that’s already a huge step towards levelling the playing field. I think a more pertinent step would be to sit him down ahead of year 3 and look at his expectations on entering work. This is where a lot of young adults fuck up financially, especially if they feel they need to participate in “networking” with a city lifestyle, he sounds...the type. (Not a criticism, I have a similar one!) Looking at what salary they would need to maintain a lifestyle would not be a bad idea.