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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to Give Student Son More Money

154 replies

Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 18:26

Son is just finishing 2nd Year University in London. He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan. He is really lucky that a wealthy family member lets him stay in a lovely flat for free. They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays. He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation. He is aware that we could pay for it as both he and our other children went to private school and obviously his own fees have stopped. My OH is adamant that we shouldn't pay him any more as he needs to learn independence. We both came from much poorer backgrounds and the money that we have now has only come from a successful business. We had a really difficult year with the business but it is all more stable now. Son is aware that we have recently sold assets and could pay him more. AIBU to resist paying more? He hasn't directly asked but talks a lot about his student debt. From our point of view, he has a really easy time as a student and the debt is part of him being more independent in the long run. But he seems to think that we aren't paying for the flat so don't give as much as other people in our financial situation might give. Any advice?

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 23/07/2019 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littledrummergirl · 23/07/2019 12:14

Bloody hell! My son is in London, after his housing costs last year he budgeted himself £35 a week and has managed to save a couple of thousand pounds as well as pay the deposit on next year's accommodation.
We gave him £60 a month on top of his full loan.
Why does a student with no rent need £100 a week?

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 12:52

He needs to ask his friends to make a contribution to ingredients. Valuable life lesson in there, too. If he gets less money than the others - who are all sorry for him and his 'tight' parents - then surely they're not as skint as he is at the end of term and can afford to chip in...?

Sorry, I mean he cooks for uni friends who are very skint at the end of term. It's his school friends who have larger contributions from parents. He was aware that some people weren't really eating by the end of the term.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 23/07/2019 13:00

At this point you are really talking about pocket money/ holiday spending rather than student debt. He needs to get a job of some description to provide him with spending money in the long vacation.

Depending on his course and the hours he’s studying he should probably also have a part time job whilst studying. He will genuinely thank you one day for instilling a proper work ethic and self reliance.

fedup21 · 23/07/2019 13:02

So he gets free accommodation, a maintenance loan and you pay all his food/car costs!

When DS goes-his maintenance loan will have to pay his accommodation and we will have to pay his food/living!

What exactly is his maintenance loan paying for??

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:04

It's not really comparable to a young child asking for an X Box. It is important to be open with finances and I would prefer everything to be discussed. Nothing has been demanded, he just pointed out how much some of his friends receive who are in similar family situations financially.And it set me thinking. I didn't have anything like the level of money as a child that my children had and they are aware that they are fortunate. But it is difficult to expect a teenager to step away from the lifestyle they have previously had and live on much less. When the rest of the family are still in a very fortunate position. And we don't give him £100 all term, just in the holidays ( whilst he is on his internship, buy work clothes, and has to pay for travel etc). London is obviously very, very expensive and most parents do try and help if they can. It's entirely different if a parent can't help. His student friends outside of London find it much easier, regardless of parental contribution.

OP posts:

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 23/07/2019 13:09

Why on earth has he got a car when he's a student in London?

Tell him you're happy to stop paying the car insurance etc and give him that money instead. No student in London needs a car.

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:13

I have already said that the car is kept at home not in London. And his younger sibling also uses it now that she has passed her test. But the car was bought out of his own money. He isn't starving and no-one has suggested that he is. But his debt is larger than 95% of his school friends.

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 23/07/2019 13:18

But most children don't go to private schools. The point of uni is that he sees the wider world.

He's very spoiled to have so much paid for. The advice goes for your son as well as you- stop comparing to other people. There will always be people richer than you but also poorer.

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:25

The point of uni is to gain a degree which allows him to get a good job and use that as part of being an outstanding member of society as an adult. Since when did going to private school mean that he hasn't seen anything of the wider world? He is looking at our finances and querying why we have made different decisions when compared with the other parents in his school friendship group. He hasn't stamped his foot or demanded anything . And the discussion as to why we have acted like this has been really important for us as a family. And I have valued the input from people on here too. But I don't think I merit a lecture thank you !

OP posts:

SouthChinaSea234 · 23/07/2019 13:26

I went to university from a complicated background in the 1980s. I did not pay fees and I got a full maintenance loan. I have done reasonably well financially and I have always taken the view that I want my DC to be in a similar position when they leave university. This means that we pay fees, accommodation and a maintenance allowance that is in the middle of the range the universities have estimated for living costs.

Anything above that the DC have to earn themselves - which they do. But I disagree that they would learn wonderful lessons in life by coming out of university with £50/60,000 worth of debt. No other generation has had to do this.

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:28

Yes exactly SouthChinaSea234. No other generation has had to do it.

OP posts:

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 13:29

Omg I wished someone had let my daughter have their flat for free whilst at uni . It cost us £18,000 in rent across the 3 years not to mention the extra we used to give her.
I’m thinking his maintenance loan would be around £3700 (depending on how much you as parents earn) or more if living in London.
£100 a week is far more than enough . What is he spending it on if you’re paying for his car?

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:36

We can all compete on how poor we were as students (and I was genuinely very hungry in my 3rd year) but I started life with a clean slate of debt and could afford a mortgage on a one bedroom flat at 21 in London. With no parental help. So the situation for students today is vastly different. We used to pay £30,000 a year school fees for each child so it is actually quite a big step to pull our spending back so much. And we are doing it because we want our children to be self-motivated and independent. I really don't think they could be accused of being entitled and demanding because we try so hard to make them be aware that their situation is one of great privilege and that they have to give back to society.

OP posts:

HappySonHappyMum · 23/07/2019 13:38

www.savethestudent.org/money/asking-parents-for-money-university.html

As parents we are expected to contribute. Maintenance loans are means tested and calculated by the amount your parents earn. If you get the full loan of £8944 then as a parent you are not expected to contribute. You can work out how much you are expected to contribute below or on the web link and decide for yourself whether you are being fair or not.

Amount parents are expected to give you at university
Household income Maintenance Loan Expected parental contribution

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 13:40

SouthChinaSea234
Not everyone is fortunate to pay all of the uni fees . Our DD had to have a tuition fee loan and maintenance loan as we could not have afforded to pay for it all . The maintenance loan didn’t cover her rental let alone some living expenses . It cost us £18,000 over the 3 years just for the rent . She’s come out with a debt of around £38,000 and a Law Degree

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:41

Thank you for the figures. I think out situation is complicated by the free use of the flat. Does this mean we are right in taking it into consideration and not giving the top up that these figures imply that we should? It means that we are benefiting as much as our son.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 13:46

No other generation has had to do it.

My generation had student loans. I am the generation before your DS, OP. Took me all of my 20s and into my 30s to pay off, and I couldn't afford to buy (in London) until I was 30, jointly with my DH.

The amounts are much higher now, but also the repayment terms are in many ways better. The debt is not necessarily such an onerous burden in terms of repayment.

OP, you can always help more in the future, once he has graduated. But what you give him to live on, in addition to the secure and free accommodation of a (presumably) higher standard than most student lets, is plenty to have a good time with.

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:52

Thanks for all the advice. We will stick at what we are doing. NoSquirrels you are making me feel very old because I thought I was the generation before my son! They must have phased out the grants very soon after my time.

OP posts:

Jeeperscreepers69 · 23/07/2019 13:52

Going to be brutal. Your giving your man child money.....Tell him to get a job and man up. Stop poncing off his parents. My son had rent food and travel to pay for. Answer was a JOB. Cut the funds and let the privately educated "man" step into the reeeeeeal world.

TantricTwist · 23/07/2019 13:52

It's a shame he doesn't want to get a job on his own back but I guess a non paid internship is part of his work experience in a specific field so important.

He needs better friends tbh who do go out to work but meet up to hang out on their nights / days off.

Original poster

Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 13:54

Jeeperscreeper69

If I gave him what the figures above suggest he would have even more as I am not contributing to the living costs. So you can be 'brutal' all you like but it's not really addressing my queries. Thankfully, other posters have been really helpful.

OP posts:

TantricTwist · 23/07/2019 13:56

So he is learning life skills if he's cooking for well less off friends of his from uni and understands that is life for many students.

I guess if he goes out with his old school friends then he probably will need a financial top up to keep up with them now and again because tbh you sent him to public school with wealthier DC and they have more cash to spend.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 13:57

NoSquirrels you are making me feel very old because I thought I was the generation before my son!

Sorry, Irish! I would have been a pretty young mother to have a 20 year old now, but not that young. Generations are pretty wide, really, anyway! And yes, fees had only recently come in when I went to university.

TantricTwist · 23/07/2019 13:58

Point is he needs more money to hang out with his rich public school friends and that's that.

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