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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to Give Student Son More Money

154 replies

Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 18:26

Son is just finishing 2nd Year University in London. He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan. He is really lucky that a wealthy family member lets him stay in a lovely flat for free. They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays. He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation. He is aware that we could pay for it as both he and our other children went to private school and obviously his own fees have stopped. My OH is adamant that we shouldn't pay him any more as he needs to learn independence. We both came from much poorer backgrounds and the money that we have now has only come from a successful business. We had a really difficult year with the business but it is all more stable now. Son is aware that we have recently sold assets and could pay him more. AIBU to resist paying more? He hasn't directly asked but talks a lot about his student debt. From our point of view, he has a really easy time as a student and the debt is part of him being more independent in the long run. But he seems to think that we aren't paying for the flat so don't give as much as other people in our financial situation might give. Any advice?

OP posts:
ssd · 23/07/2019 14:04

I guess it must be hard to have the money but not give it to your kids to make their life easier. Especially when you struggled from lack of money yourself when young. I don't have that problem myself as we still struggle but I can see the dilemma others must face.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/07/2019 14:06

It's assumed that parents are helping out and a fair bit. Your son just happens to have the help (and a LOT) in non-financial stuff. He lives rent free and drives for free. He has it great!

TantricTwist · 23/07/2019 14:06

All things considered OP you should be proud of your DS he sounds like a great human being

He's made the most of his schooling, is doing well at uni and has made a good selection of friends by the sounds of it. And hasn't trashed the flat he's being lent Grin

whispers

ssd · 23/07/2019 14:06

And of course your kids are growing up in circles you never did, so their normal isn't yours.

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 14:07

Irishgurl
What is he spending his maintenance loan on ? He’s obviously not paying any utility bills if the flat is free and £100 from yourselves equates to £400 a month so I really don’t think he’s doing too bad .
Is he on a course where he has to do a placement as students usually have to pay the uni a fee to keep their place open for the next year, that’s more than £1000.
He’s getting , if I’m right, over £4,000 in maintenance grant . Accommodation outside London would be lower
Halls in Nottingham was just over £6,000 a year . DD went into a house share ( which was quite dire) 2nd year which cost £5000 including bills then the last year a flat which was £7000 but with utility bills .
She had £25 a week to help with her food bills , has no overdraft and we paid for her mobile phone .
Perhaps sit down and work out how much your paying him including his car and ask him to write down what he is paying out then maybe this could help you in deciding whether you should give him more money .

Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:07

NoSquirrels

I was joking about feeling old!

But I do think it's hard to be young and it's not something we all went through.The system is ridiculous now as they will all start off with more debt. If house prices were more reasonable it would not be such a problem. Both Uni debt and high house prices seem so unfair. And further complicated by English students paying more than other parts of the country.

OP posts:
jay55 · 23/07/2019 14:10

Maybe your son should diversify his friendship group. Find some friends who are less privileged. Sounds like he's in a wealthy bubble.

Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:10

I keep saying that we only pay the £100 in the holidays whilst he is an intern. Not in term time. And the flat (whilst very lovely) is the other side of London so he has to pay travel expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:11

How can he be in a wealth bubble when he is feeding some of the students on his course?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/07/2019 14:12

He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan.

What is he using his maintenance loan for?

fedup21 · 23/07/2019 14:12

How can he be in a wealth bubble when he is feeding some of the students on his course?

They could be lazy pisstakers?

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 14:17

If you are in a position to help him, I would certainly consider paying off the maintenance loan element after he graduates, or offering that as a lump sum towards something like a house deposit. But as a surprise, not as an expectation. And of course you'd need to do the same for your DD too.

If you look carefully at all the financial implications of student loans, because they don't 'count' towards affordability checks in the same way they used to, it can often be more helpful just to ignore them and concentrate on the getting together a house deposit or whatever else before looking at the loans. They shouldn't restrict anything for him in the future. It is awful when you look at it as a massive lump sum number of debt, but the actual repayments are very reasonable.

Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:19

The flat is kept immaculately, I must say. And this was a boy who needed his bedroom to be fumigated (almost) ! And it is quite obvious that some students are skint at the end of term. They all eat in the same dining room and some just sit there. They aren't just rolling up demanding a free dinner! There is plenty of evidence given on this thread to dismiss the view that they might be 'pisstakers'. Some students really, really struggle. Maybe he is feeding a child from one of the Op's on here?? And I don't mean that he is running a soup kitchen. He makes extra Chilli or Curry on purpose and is very pleased that his friends appreciate it.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/07/2019 14:28

I agree with the principle but any interest accruing debt (including a student loan) is a bad idea if you have cash unused elsewhere. I would lend him the equivalent amount & have him repay on the same terms.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/07/2019 14:32

Also tbf my parents chose to fund my fees, accommodation and very modest living expenses at uni (as a fixed allowance that i had to manage myself) subject to me working largely full time in the summer holidays to contribute. I think if you can afford to do this its no bad thing as it means a young person can start off free of debt.

Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:33

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

That's a good point about interest but I would prefer there be a cleaner break between us and DS after uni. Anything we give then would be a gift rather than loan repayment. But why on earth do they start charging interest from the time they start studying? And the loan policy should be a national policy not regional.

OP posts:
SagAloojah · 23/07/2019 14:37

They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays

Sorry but your son is very unentitled and ungrateful.

He lives rent free, you pay for his car expenses, petrol, insurance and extra food, allowing him to do an unpaid internship which will help him in his future career, and yet he wants more money and is moaning about friends getting more?

TheSerenDipitY · 23/07/2019 14:38

not read everything, but i have found that when they have to actually work a bit, if not all, for something they appreciate it more, they give it more attention as its actually costing them and not being handed on a platter, it has actual value, when its hard won...

SagAloojah · 23/07/2019 14:39

How can he be in a wealth bubble when he is feeding some of the students on his course?

It's the odd extra portion of curry, not a bloody soup kitchen!

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 14:41

Irishgurl
Sorry must have misread the holiday bit.
His maintenance loan won’t go very far if he’s having to pay travel expenses and he could well be into his overdraft.
The girl who shared with my daughter had an allowance off her parents to pay her rent. She had about £150 a week and their rent was around £115 EACH a week leaving her with cash at the end of the month to pay her side of the utility bills . Bills equated to £97 each a month including internet . We paid our DD rent but she did have £25 off us for food and paid her mobile phone bill.
Maybe your son whilst in term time needs a little extra help with money. Some students have money coming out of their ears as my DD once put it . But we did help her along the way . Perhaps if we had had the option of our daughter living rent free we still would have helped her out with the day to day living expenses. People forget the maintenance loan is there also to buy books and or equipment for what ever course they are on .
I hope I make sense and I haven’t confused you .

IsobelRae23 · 23/07/2019 14:43

My son who has just finished his first year at university gets about £300 per week- from WORKING!! The same job he’s had for the last 3 years, and does whilst at university.

Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:48

SaAloojah

I meant that he can't be in a wealth bubble because he has some very skint friends. Not that he is not in a wealth bubble because he is so kind and makes extra portions of food!

OP posts:
ssd · 23/07/2019 14:48

Just seen he cooks for his pals. Good on him, he's a decent kid. He'll be fine, especially with patents like you two.

ssd · 23/07/2019 14:49

Patents lol..... Parents!!

Original poster
Irishgurl · 23/07/2019 14:50

I did say that I know it isn't a soup kitchen!

OP posts:
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