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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to Give Student Son More Money

154 replies

Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 18:26

Son is just finishing 2nd Year University in London. He has a loan for his fees and a maintenance loan. He is really lucky that a wealthy family member lets him stay in a lovely flat for free. They don't charge but I help them out with baby sitting for their younger children. We help son out with car expenses, all petrol, insurance, extra food etc. The car was bought out of money that an aunt left him so we didn't buy it. Over holidays he has done unpaid intern work and we have given him £100 a week allowance in the holidays. He has raised the fact that his friends get far more from their parents who either pay for the fees or the accommodation. He is aware that we could pay for it as both he and our other children went to private school and obviously his own fees have stopped. My OH is adamant that we shouldn't pay him any more as he needs to learn independence. We both came from much poorer backgrounds and the money that we have now has only come from a successful business. We had a really difficult year with the business but it is all more stable now. Son is aware that we have recently sold assets and could pay him more. AIBU to resist paying more? He hasn't directly asked but talks a lot about his student debt. From our point of view, he has a really easy time as a student and the debt is part of him being more independent in the long run. But he seems to think that we aren't paying for the flat so don't give as much as other people in our financial situation might give. Any advice?

OP posts:
WomanLikeMeLM · 22/07/2019 19:01

Tell him to get a bloody job, what an entitled attitude he has. Confused

winewolfhowls · 22/07/2019 19:03

Part of uni is learning how to manage on less and budget.

I can't imagine what someone at that age with no rent would be spending £100 a week on. Maybe a month! And to even have a car is a luxury.

Unless his degree is the type to be likely to lead to a very well paid job you are setting him up for a fall with giving him these high expectations, although you sound like a lovely family.

Original poster
Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 19:04

Thank you for the replies. I am going to show him the views. He does know that he is very lucky. I think it is good for him to have the debt as a responsibility. It is difficult though because some people think it is wrong to let students get into debt when you can afford to pay it. And students seem to spend a great deal of time discussing their finances. I am aware that we could pay his fees etc. but it just seems like he would then have it all too easy.

But he isn't an 'idiot' as described. 'Debt' is a very worrying word to anyone so I sort of understand why he raises the subject. We can't complain about him in others ways . He is hard working, super friendly and ambitious.

OP posts:
IhaveALooBrush · 22/07/2019 19:04

Bloody hell.
I had my loan and my car and my rent etc, which I paid for solely with my loan and jobs.
It was miserably tough at the time but it made me a better and more appreciative person.

Pinktinker · 22/07/2019 19:07

Your OH is right. He is being spoilt and entitled, this attitude is not uncommon in private school kids.

He can go get a job like most uni students. He has free accommodation ffs, he’s already very fortunate.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/07/2019 19:09

I do think it's important that he recognises the privileges he has, and don't think a wee job to earn his own pocket money is a bad idea.

I hope he learns from this, you sound like a lovely Mum.

FaithFrank · 22/07/2019 19:11

YANBU

  1. You are already giving him lots of money.
  2. He doesn't need any more.
  3. It's your money and your decision.
FaithFrank · 22/07/2019 19:13

My DD is the same age and it's true students spend a lot of time discussing their finances.

1CarefulLadyOwner · 22/07/2019 19:13

Why does he need a car if he is at university in London?

stucknoue · 22/07/2019 19:13

My dd is going to me paying £5500 for rent, her loan is £4100 - that's the real world, not a free flat

Original poster
Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 19:15

On another note, I think the whole system is messed up for uni fees. Why should a nearly 20 year old be assessed for uni fees on the salary of his parents? He is an individual in his own right not a half person dangling off us. I'm looking forward to him graduating as it makes everything much neater financially. I know this is not the point of my thread but the situation is confused by a system that treats adult students as children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishgurl · 22/07/2019 19:18

He doesn't take the car to London. As I said before, he bought it out of money his aunt left him and he lets his younger sister drive it as she has passed her test but is still in school. We are aware that she probably can't study in London and so wont have a free run of a flat. So they agreed she can use the car and keep the money that her aunt left her towards uni fees.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 22/07/2019 19:22

He lives rent-free! Not a penny more the ungrateful young man.

ContinuityError · 22/07/2019 19:29

The maintenance element is of the loan is assessed on parental income - just as the maintenance grant was assessed 35 years ago when I started uni. The loan for the fees element isn’t assessed on parental income?

TeenTimesTwo · 22/07/2019 19:40

I think you have it all topsy-turvey.

Loan for the fees as that is more like a graduate tax.
Allowance for maintenance during term time so he can concentrate on his studies. If he wants to spend loads partying then part time job in term time.
Nothing in the holidays so if he wants cash he has to work. (Except maybe if can't work due to internship.)

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/07/2019 19:46

I think if you aren't careful you will be supporting him when he gets a job, when does it stop? My daughter had to pay her own way all through university, she always had a job and worked full-time in the holidays. We and my X could only afford a small amount of money each week, and we paid for travel home.

15YemenRoad · 22/07/2019 22:23

He's being ridiculous and entitled. He is in a very fortunate position and there is actually no need for you to truly support him financially. Many students make all ends meet with their loans and maintenance.

This is his time to start being an adult and understanding the way the world works, he should begin to earn for himself. Furthermore, tell him to stop comparing himself to his friends, you are not going to follow.

Stand with your husband on this, he is not wrong, your son is being ridiculous.

I hope he is grateful for the fact he's living rent free and that his mum is actually helping by looking after children just so he can live that way.

Sc0neCreamJam75 · 22/07/2019 22:39

An adult unemployed person receives £73 per week & has to pay food & bills out of that

If he wants more, he should work

Part of being a student, is learning to budget

HennyPennyHorror · 22/07/2019 22:42

YANBU My friend's Dad is a millionaire and he never got loads of cash. His Dad provides him with a low rent house and that's all. The house will be left to him eventually (along with others) but in the meantime my friend is expected to support himself and learn how to make his own millions!

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2019 22:56

Woah. He’s extremely lucky and needs a reality check.

He’s been able to take an unpaid internship before he graduates = leg up, others will be working in a supermarket to earn next year's money, rather than planning towards their career job. Extremely fortunate.

He has a free flat in London - this is a massive massive advantage and shields him from so much shittyness from dodgy student-let landlords and weird housing situation. A stable roof over his head all year and in the holidays.

He gets £433 a month on top of car costs, extra food etc. That’s loads to live on.

It’s not all how much someone gets, it’s the whole situation and advantages offered. He needs to count his blessings.

Student debt = graduate tax and a fact of life.

Sandybval · 22/07/2019 23:01

He already gets a lot more than the vast majority of students that's for sure! Him asking for more is very entitled, good for you not to. It's great you are in a position to support him, but honestly, it's more than enough.

HarryElephante · 22/07/2019 23:06

Help him out. Whatever money habits he has will be set in stone. Giving him £50 - or whatever - more a week won't make a difference to his attitude towards money, or your wallet.

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 23:08

@saavi I was at UCL too. I miss it!

Rainbowknickers · 22/07/2019 23:08

Wow
I’ve supported myself since I was 14
I got a job that fitted in around school and had to pay for everything from food to sanitary towels to bus fares
I’ve paid my way ever since
£100 a week and free rent would have been the dream
He wants to go to uni he should find a job to fit in around it

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 23:11

Oh and I was a single mum working to supplement my loans and grants, my best friend there is the son of a CEO with a £4m basic salary and a house off Sloane Sq. We all drank £1 pints down the union on a Tuesday night.