To ask you to give my head a wobble re MILs comments

[SensationsThaisweetchilli]

My MIL lives overseas. The plus point is that I get to avoid her for most of the year. The downside is that we spend 2 weeks as a family in Dh’s home country annually and we stay with MIL.

MIL is the type to always have a sly dig or passive aggressive comment ready and loaded. My favourite examples include:

• on observing me reading to my DD, ‘oh that’s lovely. I never had time to read with my DC, but oh well, at least my house was clean’
• on my WEDDING DAY when FIL observed I looked lovely ‘doesn’t she, but her family turns to fat’
• on coming back from a run ‘well done dear, but remember to work in some squats to help with those hips of yours’
• gleefully, at my GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL ‘you poor thing, your face is so puffy’

Dh and I have been married 12 years so I have an absolute goldmine of examples, as she is indefatigable. For the most part, I’m secure in the knowledge that Her behaviour stems from her own insecurities and will cheerfully agree with her which drives her mad.

However, after 3 DC I’m now getting older and fatter. Having exhausted the topics of my parenting and housekeeping, she has now decided to focus on my appearance. I’m finding it unexpectedly difficult, mainly because I am insecure in my looks.

I’ve tried asking her if she meant to be rude, but that devolved into a lengthy rant about some women being too sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to sink to her level and make digs at her.

Any advice on getting through such delightful questions as ‘why are you so wrinkled?’ over the next 2 weeks?

Give my head a wobble because I KNOW there are more important things in life, but I can’t help but get agitated by her.

Don't go or rent an apartment or hotel.

If she asks those type of questions say it is the strain of dealing with you.

She sounds dire. Re the wrinkles comment, fire back and say ‘I was actually going to ask you if you knew what was causing them since you have so many yourself’ (or, if you’re like me and would never have the guts, at least imagine yourself doing so...)

Could your husband have a word? Or just try killing her with a kind (passive aggressive) word: “Hi, MIL, I don’t know if you realise, but it hurts my feelings when you say something like that”. With a big smile and in front of everybody.

Would it possible to rent somewhere or stay in a hotel? She sounds hideous and two weeks of her comments will be too much.

If you have to stay there go out as much as possible and wear earplugs when you’re there. Does your DH never tell her to zip it?

What nationality is she?

DH will call her out so now she saves them for when he’s out of earshot, but generally the family is very used to her comments.

@Whyrmengreattiltheygottabgreat I think that’s a good line, maybe said very sweetly so I’m not labelled ‘over emotional’ again

I forgot my absolute, all time favourite.

On seeing me reading a Kafka book on holiday, ‘I knew someone who liked those books. He ended up in a mental asylum’ with a pointed look

I'm sorry going to be really unhelpful as I just wouldn't go as I couldn't deal with her at all. My tolerance as I age is thinning out (while my hips widen too) Are these things said infront of your children? The wicked witch is obviously jealous you have her boy so wants to put you in your place .

Wow what a henious bitch. Why do you have to go for two weeks every year? That seems like a lot. Can't DH go without you I think you would be well within your rights to stay home. Or at least in a hotel. You shouldn't have to put up with bullying and abuse, because that is what it is. Do you want your DC to hear you belittled?

Otherwise can you calmishly say, that's actually very rude, if you can't be nice to me please hold your tounge. Confront it each time.

She sounds horrible - those comments are nasty

You’re sport for her. Take on the challenge and fire back. She might respect you for it.
Or your DH tells her to stop being so bloody rude to his wife or you won’t visit.

If she's repetitive, can you express concern about her memory? It probably won't help much but you might feel better.

Or make a bingo card. Bonus points for yelling BINGO at dinner.

“Hi, MIL, I don’t know if you realise, but it hurts my feelings when you say something like that”.

Absolutely not, don't give her the satisfaction of seeing that she is getting at you!

Much better to say, in front of the biggest audience you can manage, 'MIL, you do realise that I couldn't give a damn about you and your evil mouth. My great delight is that at the end of these two tedious, boring weeks in your company I will take your son and your grandchildren away from you for at least another year' Sit back and enjoy her reaction!!

I would tell dh you want to stay in hotel/hired cottage so that you can have your evenings away from her and some days dH and kids can spend the day with her and you can relax in your accommodation with a book. Could he perhaps go for two weeks and you just for one?

Otherwise i would just ignore comments and answer all questions with yes /no /i dont know. Dont engage.

If your husband is out of earshot I'd call over to him - eg she says 'why are you so wrinkled?' answer 'I don't know DH your mother wants to know why I am so wrinkled?'

Or just put it back on her 'why are you so wrinkled' 'I was just about to ask youthe same thing MIL'

On the Kafka books 'Oh you are right MIL reading books can make you insane - oh no that can't be true because you've never read any have you ?'

I don;t actually agree with ignoring people if they are persistantly rude - they know they are doing it they know it is worng becayse they wait until others are out of earshot, so always say 'I don't know lets ask DH when he is back shall we?' or say 'that's a nasty thing to say are you losing your marbles Dear ?' or something similar.

She sounds awful.

I’m also curious about her nationality. I had a Dutch friend who was shockingly direct and she couldn’t understand why people got upset with her, but that might have just been her!

So it’s good that your dh calls her out when he hears what she says. But does he know the cruel things she still says to you when she can get away with it? Because It’s not on for you to have to just accept such bullying behaviour and you’re only doing it because she’s his mother. Joint strategy time between you & dh or don’t go I think.

Could you just say something like "and yet your son can't get enough of me, and lives my fat hips (or whatever the latest insult is)" wink and walk away.
She sounds like a dick

If you’re a good actor and can hide your feelings from her, your usual type of response - used for years - should suffice.

If she does this to the DC too I would limit your DCs’ time with her, especially alone.

I had two GPs like this and can still remember some of their hurtful comments.

My mother dealt with it a bit like you, and when it was really bad would (privately£ seek support / to turn it into a laugh from her SILs and friends - that was before texting, which makes it easier to share MiLs corkers and get support.

If its just the 2 of you call her rude, and remind her 1 day you might be helping your dh pick out her care home.

If it's in front of other people just repeat back what she has said. Loudly.

Oh the shouting to DH is brilliant. She will die! Do it. She won’t be expecting it.

Or what about some derision-

“This? Again? Sheesh, does you’re constant critiques run on Duracell’s?” Then lean over and pretend to switch her off on the ear. “There you go, I’ve muted you”.

Having lived in Europe, I agree that some people can be shockingly direct, but I didn’t find them rude.

Much better to say, in front of the biggest audience you can manage, 'MIL, you do realise that I couldn't give a damn about you and your evil mouth. My great delight is that at the end of these two tedious, boring weeks in your company I will take your son and your grandchildren away from you for at least another year' Sit back and enjoy her reaction!!

Ooh, I like you!

Or do what pp said, call over your dh and repeat her nasty comments. I’d be doing Airbnb, no way would I stay with her.