To ask you to give my head a wobble re MILs comments

[SensationsThaisweetchilli]

My MIL lives overseas. The plus point is that I get to avoid her for most of the year. The downside is that we spend 2 weeks as a family in Dh’s home country annually and we stay with MIL.

MIL is the type to always have a sly dig or passive aggressive comment ready and loaded. My favourite examples include:

• on observing me reading to my DD, ‘oh that’s lovely. I never had time to read with my DC, but oh well, at least my house was clean’
• on my WEDDING DAY when FIL observed I looked lovely ‘doesn’t she, but her family turns to fat’
• on coming back from a run ‘well done dear, but remember to work in some squats to help with those hips of yours’
• gleefully, at my GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL ‘you poor thing, your face is so puffy’

Dh and I have been married 12 years so I have an absolute goldmine of examples, as she is indefatigable. For the most part, I’m secure in the knowledge that Her behaviour stems from her own insecurities and will cheerfully agree with her which drives her mad.

However, after 3 DC I’m now getting older and fatter. Having exhausted the topics of my parenting and housekeeping, she has now decided to focus on my appearance. I’m finding it unexpectedly difficult, mainly because I am insecure in my looks.

I’ve tried asking her if she meant to be rude, but that devolved into a lengthy rant about some women being too sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to sink to her level and make digs at her.

Any advice on getting through such delightful questions as ‘why are you so wrinkled?’ over the next 2 weeks?

It’s 2 weeks out the year , just be glad she doesn’t stay around the corner 😂 . First time I had dinner with my MIL she said ‘you don’t eat much for such a big girl ‘ 😭😭

Ooh I love Salem’s suggestion. Add in “do you think you might benefit from therapy?”

Seriously, I wouldn’t go but that’s me. Well, and a couple of friends who have cut contact with in laws.

I can’t believe your H has let her get away with this for so long. I’d refuse to go, leave him to go with or without the children. You find a nice airbnb or whatever and have a chill!

Get a notebook and write each one down, when she asks what's going on
' I told dh if your nasty comments get above a level he set we won't be coming next year'

What happens when she starts doing this with your DC, or says nasty things to you in front of your DC?

I waited for years for exH to grow a pair and stop his mother being nasty to me, but aside of some ineffectual light comments about her behaviour, he really never defended me. He thought the nastiness of her mum and my sadness at her abuse was just the normal dynamics between ILs and DILs or cultural misunderstandings. In time this drew a wedge between us and we split.

ExH’s new wife, on the other hand, was made aware by one of my friends about how insanely nasty MIL could be. So at the first provocation she left MIL’s house and NEVER stayed at MILs again. She also made sure MIL knew she was not welcome in her house either. Exh just went with what new wife wanted because he is used to listen just to the woman that shouts the most.

So challenge the behaviour and deal with it while your marriage is strong, I waited to deal with her until I finally snapped and by then the marriage was so eroded that neither him or I cared much for each other anymore.

Hmm... maybe either say ' you know where me and the dcs are from that's considered a rude comment and you wouldn't want them to think that of you would we? We are trying to set them a good example' or act thick and say ' what does that mean? /Can you explain what you mean by that?' (you get the gist) people hate having to do that when they've been nasty as it makes them feel uncomfortable. Or later on in front of yr dh say ' you know earlier when u said... what did you mean? Shame you have to go but staying away would play into her hands. Best revenge is happiness so perhaps you could laugh it off. She's lucky you all go over there at all.

"Beauty fades, dumb lasts forever"

This is nothing to do with MIL being Dutch or whatever nationality she is. A hideously rude bit of baggage is what she is and the fact that she does it when no one else is around shows it is malicious and not just the way she is. (Disclosure - my lovely MIL is Dutch and, while direct, she's not rude).

You could try trotting out a line I once heard = "Wow, your family must spend all day apologising for your behaviour." I do have other suggestions but they're probably not helpful...

If you’re alone with her when she’s rude to you. Look her in the eye and snarl duck off you poisonous old witch.

Then feign utter shock when she draws attention to it, and express concern for her sanity that she’d even dream of making up something so awful about you... after all these years.

I don’t know why people put themselves through this shit.

I wouldn’t be going and if she was stupid enough to call and ask me why I’d tell her.

Life is too short to be made to feel shit about myself.

I would tell her to Fuck off.
Why have you not done?

I just wouldn't go or I at least wouldn't stay with her.

Some great advice here. Am in a very similar situation and after 23 years of bullying and undermining behaviour I haven’t spoken to her since Christmas.

I suspect punching her in the throat wouldn’t be helpful.
Nose booping might work though.
Have some OP, you’re going to need it

I can't imagine why on earth you visit them. Surely your husband can take the children himself? I would absolutely, positively refuse to go. Fuck that shit.

Posted too soon

Just let sleeping arseholes lie. Xx

On seeing me reading a Kafka book on holiday, ‘I knew someone who liked those books. He ended up in a mental asylum’ with a pointed look

I know you had to suffer it, but oh my gosh, this made me laugh out loud! Genius snark on her behalf

I love the nose-boop option. However, I know I'd never do that.

This, though, from Kurri, I reckon I could pull off. Could be a winner:

If your husband is out of earshot I'd call over to him - eg she says 'why are you so wrinkled?' answer 'I don't know DH your mother wants to know why I am so wrinkled?'

Please report back. We can make you a MN Pass-Agg MIL Bingo Card, if you like?

Lmao to some of the suggestions made above!

Can’t you ask your DH to ask her to “just stop mom” whenever she says stuff to you, even if it’s when it’s the two of you alone. If he keeps at it with the same three words over and over every time she says something rude to you, surely she will just stop.

She needs to be made to feel like the bully she is in front of everyone imo. What outrageous behaviour!

I had similar for many years. I stopped visiting in the end and also divorced her son who refused to believe she'd said these things because she would say them only when he wasn't there. That wasn't why I divorced him - it was because he had her poison in a much more virulent form. It's a shame because other times I liked her. But then she'd buy me an xxxl nightie when I was not xxxl - just as an example. Or talk about me in her language in front of me - though I could understand. I was meek and peace-keeping for far too long.

I really like the idea of the notebook - I was going to suggest exactly that. Whenever she says anything outrageous, be sure to interrupt her, hold up your hand and say "Oh, just wait a minute, MIL." as you ostentatiously take it out of your bag. Then lower your hand, start writing, and say "Now, what was that again, MIL? I'm keeping a record of your comments, because all my friends love to hear all the truly awful things you say. You wouldn't believe what they think of you. And I really want a list of your sayings for your eulogy."

I have an aunt like this. After years of rudeness from her it reached a head and she was so rude I went very LC with her. Would talk on the phone but nothing more. We met at a family gathering after 12 years and she started her shit with me again.. I looked very hard at her and just said ‘Don’t start’ very clearly and walked off. She didn’t like it. When my DM, her sister, passed away a couple of years later she was very difficult and one particular phone call I told her to behave or I would put the phone down on her, she continued so I did. This is her favourite trick with others when things are not going her way. She hated having it done to her! She is very wary of me now and pathetically grateful for any tiny crumbs of contact she gets with me.

I would do the bingo card and remember you do hold the trump card, her DS and DGC. You could tell her to play nice or no contact any more!

I live in Germany and it's true they are rude. They say they are direct. I say rude.

@Vibiano have you encountered every single German? That must’ve taken forever!

Yep, all of them.