To ask you to give my head a wobble re MILs comments

[SensationsThaisweetchilli]

My MIL lives overseas. The plus point is that I get to avoid her for most of the year. The downside is that we spend 2 weeks as a family in Dh’s home country annually and we stay with MIL.

MIL is the type to always have a sly dig or passive aggressive comment ready and loaded. My favourite examples include:

• on observing me reading to my DD, ‘oh that’s lovely. I never had time to read with my DC, but oh well, at least my house was clean’
• on my WEDDING DAY when FIL observed I looked lovely ‘doesn’t she, but her family turns to fat’
• on coming back from a run ‘well done dear, but remember to work in some squats to help with those hips of yours’
• gleefully, at my GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL ‘you poor thing, your face is so puffy’

Dh and I have been married 12 years so I have an absolute goldmine of examples, as she is indefatigable. For the most part, I’m secure in the knowledge that Her behaviour stems from her own insecurities and will cheerfully agree with her which drives her mad.

However, after 3 DC I’m now getting older and fatter. Having exhausted the topics of my parenting and housekeeping, she has now decided to focus on my appearance. I’m finding it unexpectedly difficult, mainly because I am insecure in my looks.

I’ve tried asking her if she meant to be rude, but that devolved into a lengthy rant about some women being too sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to sink to her level and make digs at her.

Any advice on getting through such delightful questions as ‘why are you so wrinkled?’ over the next 2 weeks?

My MIL is not in the same league as yours, but she is very PA and can be pretty snide when we are alone. I went along the same lines as the nose bop, but I went for a hair ruffle (she has very carefully styled hair and is much shorter than me, so it was incredibly satisfying!), and I laughed, and said ‘You’re so funny, Mary!’.
Everyone stopped and looked at us from another room, as I smoothed her hair back and maintained eye contact with her.
It was amazing!

Flip sake - She's a nightmare but if she says them out of range of other people I'd be using that to my advantage and saying exactly what I thought of her

Please just don’t go. Don’t treat it as sport or a competition for the best line. Just don’t go. Bullying isn’t ok and your DH shouldn’t be asking you to visit every year if this is happening. It’s ok for you to have values and boundaries.

I'd have cut the bitch off years ago and she'd never have seen my children again either. If (general) you want access to my kids, you need to treat me with respect first.

Perhaps pretend you don't quite understand and ask her to elaborate

Definitely this. And keep doing it.

I remember as a teenager making a weak joke (the "be alert. Britain needs more lerts" one) and feeling destroyed by a friend of my mother's who kept asking me to explain it.
Maybe she was just thick, but in these circumstances I can see it tying MiL up in knots.

"Why are you wrinkly?"
"Sorry, I don't know what you mean"
"Well, you're skin - it's wrinkled"
"Hmmm... No, not seeing your point"
etc

If nothing else, she might collapse from exhaustion after 5 minutes!
I know I nearly did

your skin
not
you're skin
Hate it when I do that

This kind of bingo
But I hear it's more fun playing with someone else
So maybe make a few cards up and distribute among family on the quiet

Record her comments on your phone and then play them back to her. I did this once with someone and it worked a treat.

"Oh wow, that's such a rude comment / question!"
Bonus points if you laugh.
If challenged "But surely you know you're being rude, don't you?"

A very nasty person I knew in college bragged that you can always get away with saying something insulting if you say it just once, and don't repeat it. It was quite satisfying, in a pub years later, to see him being punched in the face by someone he'd just insulted. She was a tiny little thing, but he was also quite small, and she chased him out of the pub shrieking like a banshee all the way.

I had reason to phone him about something last year and found he hadn't changed. He didn't know me well enough any more to be personally insulting, but he explained at length about how everything Irish was crap and stupid. I suddenly had an inkling of why people say things like "If you hate it so much why do you live here?" 😂

I love the idea of searching for the phone and then saying "Hang on.. could you say that again" holding out the phone for her to speak into.

..then smiling and walking off..

I bet it would stop after the 2nd time, and if it didn't play it all back over dinner and watch her squirm.

Just love @ILiveInSalemsLot suggestion. To the point. Perfect for my FIL next visit
I suspect a fellow Constant reader too?

Just stand up to her OP. It doesn't matter what you say, the fact that you stand up to her will eventually cause her to become more circumspect. She's playing on the fact that you won't and that you lack confidence. I would favour the approach of asking why she thinks its socially acceptable to say such comments and if she has ever thought about counselling, perhaps CBT, to help her learn some basic social skills, but I also quite like the repeatedly asking her what she means type response.

Herocomplex I’m also curious about her nationality. I had a Dutch friend who was shockingly direct and she couldn’t understand why people got upset with her, but that might have just been her!

I lived in Holland for years but I'm Scottish, and I found the Dutch to be ultra polite and circumspect compared to the Scots. True, I've been told a couple of times by Dutch athletics coaches that I needed to lose weight, but I've lost count of the rude and nasty comments I've had from Scottish people about my appearance. Basically unless you're a skinny teenage beanpole, someone will criticise your looks, even when they're not exactly God's gift themselves.

Possibly I didn't notice Dutch directness at all because I was so used to my appearance being criticised already.

Is your MIL Scottish OP?

How about saying to her "I was brought up to believe that if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all. That's why I don't talk to you much! You obviously weren't though!

And it's not your head that needs the wobble. It's hers. Right off her shoulders.

Or, how about "Are the bitchy comments definitely necessary today?"

Have you ever said “Oh do fuck off Barbara”?

Surely your husband doesn't expect you to spend two whole weeks with someone who is consistently nasty to you? You are well within your rights just to not go

Tell her to fuck off quite simple she should get the message

I love the old

Her: you're looking fat
You: pardon?
Her: I said, you're looking fat
You pardon, sorry I can't hear you?
Her: sigh I said you look fat
You: pardon, I wish you wouldn't mumble like that
Her: you are fat!
You: do you think you should visit the GP about you're speech? I can't understand a word you say

And repeat

Fizzy, very sweet of you and your gm, but that works because their is love and a relationship there.

Your gm can also laugh at herself and isn't in competition with you.

Make comments about how she isn’t aging well. Then see if women are too sensitive to comments.

@Knittedjimmychoos no my gran is a bitch. A complete bitch, she is rude to everyone and thinks shes above other people. She tells random people off for wearing hats indoors and takes delight in being old enough that no one talks back to her. If they do she gets my grandad involved.

I suffer her a couple of times a year max for the sake of my mother. However, now I'm older and a lot more confident, I find her funny. When you're secure in yourself other people's opinions and comments don't phase you so much.

"go straight to DH and say "your mother wants to know why I have so many wrinkles, what do you think?" And keep bringing your husband into it to hopefully shame the woman."

This!! ^

Followed up with something like: "some of the stuff you say to me mil... honestly! I could write a book!" while laughing incredulously and shaking your head.

Do it... every.single.time.