To ask you to give my head a wobble re MILs comments

[SensationsThaisweetchilli]

My MIL lives overseas. The plus point is that I get to avoid her for most of the year. The downside is that we spend 2 weeks as a family in Dh’s home country annually and we stay with MIL.

MIL is the type to always have a sly dig or passive aggressive comment ready and loaded. My favourite examples include:

• on observing me reading to my DD, ‘oh that’s lovely. I never had time to read with my DC, but oh well, at least my house was clean’
• on my WEDDING DAY when FIL observed I looked lovely ‘doesn’t she, but her family turns to fat’
• on coming back from a run ‘well done dear, but remember to work in some squats to help with those hips of yours’
• gleefully, at my GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL ‘you poor thing, your face is so puffy’

Dh and I have been married 12 years so I have an absolute goldmine of examples, as she is indefatigable. For the most part, I’m secure in the knowledge that Her behaviour stems from her own insecurities and will cheerfully agree with her which drives her mad.

However, after 3 DC I’m now getting older and fatter. Having exhausted the topics of my parenting and housekeeping, she has now decided to focus on my appearance. I’m finding it unexpectedly difficult, mainly because I am insecure in my looks.

I’ve tried asking her if she meant to be rude, but that devolved into a lengthy rant about some women being too sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to sink to her level and make digs at her.

Any advice on getting through such delightful questions as ‘why are you so wrinkled?’ over the next 2 weeks?

MIL is the type to always have a sly dig or passive aggressive comment ready

Um, no... She's well beyond that, she's just being openly horrible!

Do you have DH's support in this? If not then make sure he knows just how awful she is to you. Then next time you arrange to go over stay in a hotel or air bnb. When she asks why DH can say "we can't deal with you for 2 weeks solid. It's too stressful for us because of all the nasty comments that you make"

Be very open about how awful she is. Hopefully this will put her in her place. Don't expect her to change though - people like this very rarely change...

I just wouldn't go. I wouldn't put myself in that situation where she gets the opportunity to belittle me. I'd encourage Dh to go for a long weekend a couple of times a year (with or without the kids) instead of going for a 2 week shit holiday. Then you could go different places for your family holidays every year, even if it was only for a week/10 days. You'd never have to see the old bat again - happy days! At the end of the day, you married Dh, not his family. You decide what level of involvement, if any, you want with them

My mother is exactly like this (my MIL is lovely!) and I actually just don’t see her at all. It’s like she has no empathy, and no filter for social norms. She has got much worse as she’s got older, and for my own mental heath’s sake I just can’t engage with her.

Oh, also, when all else fails, just telling her to shut the fuck up will provide you with immense relief.

I would just repeating "Did you mean to be so rude?" every single time.

Print off a big tally chart and stick it on her fridge when you visit.

Label each column at the top according to type of insult -weight, appearance, parenting etc

Then add a tick to each box each time she starts so that everyone else in the household can also see what a mammoth bitch she is.

For good measure, add photos of it to Facebook and tag her in

Tell her you pity her and her miserable attitude. It must be horrible to live a life full of negativity.

I don’t know if you’d be brave enough to do this but it worked a treat.

My close friend is married to an only child, his mother is jealous and possessive and would also make unpleasant comments out of earshot. ‘I wish I had the courage to eat that much at your size’, (she’s a 12) ‘it must be nice not having to work and spending my sons money’ (watching her buy a coffee whilst on Mat leave).

One day, after a particularly scathing comment, my friend tuned to her MIL and bopped her on the nose with her index finger, saying ‘naughty mother in law, being rude again’.

Apparently the MIL was INCANDESCENT with rage at being talked down to like a small child, but as soon as she had done it my friend left the room, leaving the MIL to follow her back to where everyone else was, and she couldn’t call her out on it without saying why she had done it. So she sat seething.

My friend said she has only made two comments since- both have been greeted with the same reaction. It’s particularly effective because MIL hates being undermined, and also the cheerfulness with which it’s delivered dilutes the original comment. It reduces MIL to a naughty little child and she hates it.

MIL leaves her alone now. Friend preaches this to anyone with MIL issues. Could be worth a go!

@LadyRannaldini's response is DEFINITELY the way to go! And I say that as someone who suffered at the hands of an evil MIL and cane out on top.

Mine was equally lovely and a pa witch for 10 years until one day I lost it at her. She went too far and accused me of things relating to my DC that finally tipped me over the edge. We had the mother of all rows and I nearly walked out with DC, even though we were 9 hours from home. It took a lot of MN support to get me through it, which made me realise that DH had been enabling her rather than supporting me. Went LC for a while and she soon realised that no DIL = no DGC.

She'd seen me as fair game all those years, because as a respectful DIL, I'd never call her out or challenge her. I prefer a quiet life anyway and the language barrier always had me on the backfoot. So I really sympathise. Like PP have said, take those verbal gloves off as it's the only language she'll understand. Bullies back down when they're stood up to!

I like to use Mrs Brown's "That's nice" in these situations!

When she says anything sly, just shout repeatly while she's talking "GREEN BANANAS, GREEN BANANAS" she'll just be in so much shock that she'll shut up immediately and it will give you a release having shouted and may even make you laugh hysterically.

Force out the most genuine and loud laugh you can whenever she says something snide.

1. It gives you time to think
2. It draws attention to her and you -someone may ask why you're laughing and then you can smile sweetly and ask her to repeat
3. It will make you feel better, throw her off and put you in control.
4. At the end of the raucous laughter. You can turn and say.... I had bet with myself you would say something unkind and I won.

Good bloody luck

Oh goodness I feel for you. Is your MIL French?

I lived there many many years ago and my then BFs mother sister and aunt would talk to me like that . As though being, at the time a young English girl could never match their expectations.

Sadly for me my boyfriend thought this was Norma's they were trying to educate me

I’d be brutal and if she mentions your hips etc just reply with a smile ‘well your son likes holding them when he’s banging me’ 😉

Be just as rude back. She obviously doesn’t have a problem with rudeness, so you might as well have some fun coming up with some choice insults of your own.

Pheasant I love the nose flick.

My neighbour is german and has absolutely no filter. Her son my age just grimaces when she says something, it is just her way.

My guess is she’s Dutch. They love to say “We’re a very direct race...” I would point out that that’s code for “Fucking rude” a lot of the time. Deliberately hurtful isn’t “direct”, it’s nasty. I would tell MIL that you are the person who gets to decide if you, DH and DC are ever coming back again, and if she wants to see them, she goes through you. Get hubby to back you up and turn the power around.

Repeat it back to her

‘My hops need work?’
‘My face is puffy?’

Balls back in her court to justify her words and she won’t like it. She will also ‘hear’ what she’s just said. Stay silent it’s her turn!!

I love how suddenly all Dutch/German/French people are rude. Could just be that rude people come in all nationalities you know. I’ve met quite a lot of British ones....

Fall back on standard complaints' training : 'Oh DMIL, thank you so much for pointing that out to me. That's so kind. I'll bear it in mind.'
Or, with my DMIL, I'd sometimes say, 'You're right. You're so much better/cleverer/prettier than me. I'm afraid my skills/talents lie in other areas.'

Only unhappy people drag others down. Happy people raise others up.

Keel this in mind and ignore her bad comments, like w child ignore the bad and reward the good. I.e. talk to her when shes not a total dick ignore her when she is.

Or how about looking very sadly at her and say ‘you grow more bitter as you age’

Ooh evil, Salem...

The children go to visit her with their father. You have a lovely peaceful week. Sorted.

Turn it back on her. For example if she mentions your wrinkles say you have a way to go to catch her up, or if she mentions your weight say yes you've put a few pounds on yourself.