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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to give my head a wobble re MILs comments

136 replies

SensationsThaisweetchilli · 21/07/2019 22:09

My MIL lives overseas. The plus point is that I get to avoid her for most of the year. The downside is that we spend 2 weeks as a family in Dh’s home country annually and we stay with MIL.

MIL is the type to always have a sly dig or passive aggressive comment ready and loaded. My favourite examples include:

  • on observing me reading to my DD, ‘oh that’s lovely. I never had time to read with my DC, but oh well, at least my house was clean’
  • on my WEDDING DAY when FIL observed I looked lovely ‘doesn’t she, but her family turns to fat’
  • on coming back from a run ‘well done dear, but remember to work in some squats to help with those hips of yours’
  • gleefully, at my GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL ‘you poor thing, your face is so puffy’

Dh and I have been married 12 years so I have an absolute goldmine of examples, as she is indefatigable. For the most part, I’m secure in the knowledge that Her behaviour stems from her own insecurities and will cheerfully agree with her Grin which drives her mad.

However, after 3 DC I’m now getting older and fatter. Having exhausted the topics of my parenting and housekeeping, she has now decided to focus on my appearance. I’m finding it unexpectedly difficult, mainly because I am insecure in my looks.

I’ve tried asking her if she meant to be rude, but that devolved into a lengthy rant about some women being too sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to sink to her level and make digs at her.

Any advice on getting through such delightful questions as ‘why are you so wrinkled?’ over the next 2 weeks?

OP posts:
Juells · 22/07/2019 07:57

on my WEDDING DAY when FIL observed I looked lovely ‘doesn’t she, but her family turns to fat’

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

maddening · 22/07/2019 08:05

Ah mil, you are so lucky that I am a patient woman as anyone else would refuse to visit when they are subject to the unpleasantness that you dish out, however it would do you good to remember that everyone has their limits so perhaps you should tread more carefully from now on, otherwise I and my children will use our free time to visit somewhere that does not result in such horrible comments. I was brought up with the phrase "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all 'I suggest you observe the same, you might find that it leads to a happier atmosphere all round.

Juells · 22/07/2019 08:19

One of my sister's in-laws had nasty remarks down to a t. They'd be dropped into the flow of conversation, so by the time the remark was taken on board the conversation would have moved on and you'd look petty to go back and demand to know what was meant. It resulted in everyone avoiding that person, though. Very few people will sit still for being insulted to their face, and keep going back for more of the same treatment.

Stay somewhere else when you visit. Better yet, don't visit.

ConkerGame · 22/07/2019 08:20

If she says things in front of your DC then draw them in as an educational experience. “DC, did you hear what GM just said? She said “X” about your mummy. That’s called bullying and we don’t like bullying do we? Let’s not talk to GM as she says horrible things to people and we don’t engage with bullies”. Then move out to an Airbnb.

But really you need your DH onside. You need to not stay with her and he needs to tell her that this is because she is rude to you and he won’t stand for it anymore.

FenellaMaxwell · 22/07/2019 08:21

On seeing me reading a Kafka book on holiday, ‘I knew someone who liked those books. He ended up in a mental asylum’ with a pointed look

Please tell me you said “was it for murdering his mother in law?”

Blondebakingmumma · 22/07/2019 08:25

After MIL’s first barb
“Oh your going to begin with insulting my looks? I thought for sure you’d enjoy making fun of my parenting skills first!”

Veryouting123 · 22/07/2019 08:31

Next time she makes a comment look up at her with raised eyebrows and say "hm? Ah, you're being rude again" and carry on doing whatever it was you're doing.

Basically acknowledge she's been rude, pull her up on her rudeness and then ignore.

Do it every time.

georgialondon · 22/07/2019 08:39

You need to call her out on every occasion she says something bitchy like this.

georgialondon · 22/07/2019 08:42

Eek my toddler press read post....

What I usually say in response is something along the lines of:

  • why have you said that?
  • What do you mean by that?

-what a strange/odd thing for you to say.

It's s non aggressive response but it effectively puts the focus and possible embarrassment back on them and also highlights to anyone nearby that she's being a bitch to you.

I find it very effective.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/07/2019 08:47

Lots of really good ideas here. Trouble is you have to remember them and be chilled enough to get them out.

My favourite is to then go straight to DH and say "your mother wants to know why I have so many wrinkles, what do you think?" And keep bringing your husband into it to hopefully shame the woman.

But plan B is to have a chat with dh beforehand and ask him why on earth you spend two weeks of every year and probably a lot of money going to visit someone who is abusive to you. Really sad.

MoominMantra · 22/07/2019 08:54

Shock what an absolute witch!

I don't think your dh should just stand back and allow this.

llfamily · 22/07/2019 08:58

What does your DH say / do / think about it all? Would he put up with this from your mother?

Brefugee · 22/07/2019 08:59

Life's too short. Tell DH you're not going and why. Wish him a lovely holiday and do some things you like doing, with people who aren't rude to you while they're away.

Anticipating that DH may not want you to stay, offer him you'll stay in a hotel and he can choose where he and the DC stay. But your contact with his DM will be limited.

If he insists you go ask him why, as your DH, he wants you to go somewhere that makes you miserable? and inform him again that you're not going.

good luck!

womaninthedark · 22/07/2019 09:01

Definitely stay elsewhere. You should have to endure such bullying.

When you do see her, have a stock phrase. "Being a bitch again, are you? Say it again so I can record it. My friends hardly believe the things you say!"

llfamily · 22/07/2019 09:01

This is not a holiday it's a bitching session at YOUR expense.

Why are you putting up with this? Who else would you put up with it from?

How old are your DC? You need to call her out / deal with it, and don't bother visiting anymore. Or you're teaching your children not to stand up to bullies.

Foslady · 22/07/2019 09:03

I would ask her each time ‘why do you care?’

Downunderduchess · 22/07/2019 09:05

If she only says them out of earshot of others... then say whatever you want! Honestly a well placed shut the fuck up may shock her into... shutting up.

VictoriaBun · 22/07/2019 09:09

You could ask her to repeat what she said, then ask her again. Then tell her your sorry but you have trouble understanding bullshit.
Or just tell her after last year you were concerned she may be developing dementia which a few days in her company has made you wonder again.

31RueCambon · 22/07/2019 09:13

She sounds really threatened by you. When somebody is a bitch, the thoughts just pop in to their head. Relentless criticism of other people, of themselves. She's probably applying the same critical voice to you that she's heard in her own head all these years.

I'd call her out but very gently ''I feel like you make some really risky unpleasant remarks, is that your intention!?!?'' and she will have to say 'oh gosh no'' and then you can say ''glad it's not your intention to make all these digs!''.

PapayaCoconut · 22/07/2019 09:14

Perhaps pretend you don't quite understand and ask her to elaborate:
MIL: Why do you have so many wrinkles?
You: How do you mean? [Intrigued facial expression.]

Or maybe imitate her?
MIL: Why are you so wrinkly?
You: "Why are you so wrinkly"? [Scoff, roll your eyes and continue what you were doing as if she's not there.]

Or maybe just ignore her completely. Don't talk to her, look at her or engage in any conversation with her.
MIL: Why are you so wrinkly?
You: [Continue what you were doing, as if she's not there, not looking at her or acknowledging her in any way.]

31RueCambon · 22/07/2019 09:16

I like the idea of getting out a notebook and writing down her comments for her eulogy.

Alsohuman · 22/07/2019 09:17

Just don’t go. Send the rest of the family on their merry way and have a blissful couple of weeks pleasing nobody but yourself.

Fizzypoo · 22/07/2019 09:17

My granny is like this (and German).

The last time I saw her she made gestures to my mum about my double chin and told me she had never seen me so fat before. I have put on weight, am almost a 14 and no longer a 10/12. I laughed and agreed with her.

I take the piss out of her, she once made a new years resolution to stop being so rude so now whenever she comes out with a comment I tut at her and laugh about her not keeping her resolution. If you laugh at them it takes the sting out of it and you get funny stories to laugh at with with dh and friends after.

Call her out and make what she says into a joke every single time. She will find a new victim.

pinkteapoops · 22/07/2019 09:18

"Fuck off you MIL, you stupid cunt."

Straight to the point. Grin

Op don't put yourself through this. If you have to go rent elsewhere.

Personally I think you should just go on a family holiday anywhere but MILs- bliss!

pinkteapoops · 22/07/2019 09:18

Dang it. Damn typo!

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