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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum about his texts?

143 replies

OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:04

I just don’t know what to do. NC for this.

My dad text me this morning to see if I had received an essay for his Masters he asked me to proof read - absolutely fine.

Then, straight away I got a bunch of sexually explicit (very very sexual explicit!) messages from him that were not meant for me. I was disgusted, and shocked.

My parents have been married for 34 years, reasonably happy, my mum has been loyal and faithful and the best Mum to us all and I am just devastated he is texting some woman about wanting to do all sorts to her (VOM).

I told him I was upset and asked if they were for mum - said no, but that he couldn’t apologise enough for me seeing them, to do with them what I will, and that he never claimed to be a saint and won’t explain himself over text but face to face.

So, here’s my question - what ON EARTH do I do?! My mum is coming to visit next weekend, do I tell her? I have an older brother but he’d just lose his shit and have nothing helpful to offer. The fallout from this will be huge... Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:05

Oh and they live up north while I’m in London, going up to hear his pathetic explanation is not an option and I don’t want to hear whatever reason he has.

OP posts:
Sunburntnoseandears · 21/07/2019 22:07

Imo give him a week to tell your dm or you will..
Then do it.
He may be risking her sexual health...
He is a scumbag..

Blackcountrychik83 · 21/07/2019 22:09

Do you think he wants you to tell your Mum but he's too gutless to do it himself... Re:his comment "do with them what you will"

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:11

@Blackcountrychik83 I did wonder that, it’s a bit strange he hasn’t asked me to keep it to myself or anything. How cowardly of him if thats what he’s thinking. I won’t be able to look at him the same ever again.

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 21/07/2019 22:11

Ouch. What an awful position to be in. None of us can answer to what your Mum would want. If it was me I would rather know and I would also rather that you didn't have to keep carrying that secret. However, other people may feel different. Your dad should bloody well tell her himself though. It is so unfair to leave this on your shoulders.

icelollycraving · 21/07/2019 22:11

Any chance he wanted to get found out?

Outnotdown · 21/07/2019 22:13

God that's awful for you, what a rotten dilemma to be in. I don't know what the best course of action is, but I think if I were in your mother's shoes, I would want to be told.

The only tiny little glimmer of light I can see is that your father is not putting pressure on you to cover it up. He may be a shit husband, but I hope he is a good father to you.

I agree with pp, give him a deadline to come clean to your mum, or you'll tell her.
FlowersWine

ShowOfHands · 21/07/2019 22:14

This happened to a friend at university. She didn't tell her Mum. She started to but her Mum shut her down. She knew Sad

Waveysnail · 21/07/2019 22:16

Tbh I'd facetime your mum before she comes so she can have it out with your dad

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:16

Some really helpful advice here thank you Flowers - I love my mum, I can’t keep this from her ultimately. I know they’ve had difficulties and my Dad can be a right knob at times, very shouty and verbally aggressive. Oh fuck I have to tell her don’t I. Sad

OP posts:
Baddabingbaddaboom · 21/07/2019 22:18

It sounds to me like he wants you to do his dirty work and tell her so he doesn't have to.

So sorry you're in this position OP Flowers

Crunched · 21/07/2019 22:18

Sorry you had to see this Orange.
I know you say your DB would lose his shit over this but, in real life, I think he will be the only one who understands your feelings and the family dynamics. Ask him to remain calm while you tell him the situation. Additionally, when you finally come face to face with this scumbag it might be nice to have back up from your bro.
It may be your DM is aware of issues within her relationship but who knows if she would find the situation more challenging if she is aware you are aware...

Dieu · 21/07/2019 22:19

Aww man, you will be scarred for life with those texts! Thanks
I would give him until 'X' day to tell her, and if he doesn't, you must.

Dieu · 21/07/2019 22:22

For what it's worth, I genuinely don't think he meant for you to see the texts. That's sick. He still could have have outed himself in a non sexually explicit way, if that was his intention.

llangennith · 21/07/2019 22:25

I'd stay out of it.

notapizzaeater · 21/07/2019 22:25

He's taking the cowards way out leaving it in your hands. He needs to do the decent thing and deal with it himself.

MashedSpud · 21/07/2019 22:30

What a horrible situation to be in. 🤮😟

ohfourfoxache · 21/07/2019 22:33

Bloody hell Shock

You have to tell your mum I’m afraid, what a disgusting specimen your father is Angry

EAIOU · 21/07/2019 22:46

Cant imagine how horrible it must of been for you.

Yeah, your mum deserves to know the truth.

Agree with querying if he wanted to be found out?

Cherrysoup · 21/07/2019 23:03

Forward them to her and let her deal. I couldn’t keep that from my mum.

justilou1 · 21/07/2019 23:10

I would be telling him to shove his masters proof reading up his arse!!!

goodfornothinggnome · 21/07/2019 23:24

See if you can speak to bro. Tell dad he has until the day before mum comes to you. She has thinking space then

TwistyTop · 21/07/2019 23:32

I don't think he's done it on purpose. He could have found a way to let you "catch him" without being sexually explicit. Unless he's seriously fucked up in the head I doubt he'd want you to see those messages.

I would call him and tell him that you don't gives shit about his pathetic excuses and you aren't going up there to discuss it, and he needs to go and tell your mother what's going on by X time/date.

If he refuses then I suppose you'll have to tell her. What a pathetic little worm he is...

Redshoesandtheblues · 21/07/2019 23:37

Can you tell your brother?
I know you said he would lose his shit, but after that initial reaction, would he be of support?

tinyvulture · 21/07/2019 23:41

I would speak to him first and see what he says...... Not saying you are wrong to be angry at all, or to want to tell your mum. But speaking to him first can do no harm. That’s what I would do, anyway.......

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